I am complete and total garbage. I know it; I know it very well. I don't care, I'll own it. I'll do what I want.

To the Moon and Back

Chapter 1

The moon was high and full, casting a bluish glow through the ocean into the depths of Lalotai. On the smooth, cold rock outside his cave, Tamatoa was still on his back, gazing up into the water column above. He'd been there for almost three days. He was hungry, tired, and angry. He was also feeling quite...depressed. Two days of struggling, and wriggling, and rocking back and forth, and complaining—lots and lots of complaining—and he still hadn't righted himself. Tamatoa was beginning to believe that this was how he was going to die. He couldn't pick himself up, and absolutely no one had come to aid him, despite his incessant whining. He let his head fall back, eye stalks plunking against the ground. What a pathetic way to die: belly up and helpless. His treasure-covered back wasn't even visible. How could he die without being seen from a mile away? He was too shiny to die without being seen. Too...shiny...Tamatoa started to snore.

All of the sudden, something snagged itself around his claw. Tamatoa had a second to stare at whatever it was before being roughly yanked up and forward. With a confused yell, he was hauled off of his shell and back to his feet. He coughed, and shook his big head, sputtering slightly. He lifted his claw just in time to see a thick braid of jet-black hair uncoil itself from around the first joint, and fall with a thump on the ground. Tamatoa ratcheted his gaze to the braid, and followed it as it was slowly dragged away. The hair slid back until it met a pair of small, dainty hands. Tamatoa halted as a figure he'd been unaware was there stepped out of the shadows. From here, it looked like an ordinary human woman, wearing a blue patterned bark cloth skirt and a shell-white top. But as he continued to examine her, he saw the wave tattoos on her shoulders, the ones on her forehead with the phases of the moon. Plus, she was reeling in a braid that fell down her back to the ground, where it continued into the massive length that had pulled Tamatoa to his feet. The end of the braid coiled around to make a hibiscus-laced headband. Once she had her braid gathered in a bundle in her arms, the woman suddenly dropped it. The braid somehow shrank to half its length as it fell, until it dangled in a small semicircle at her feet. The woman picked up the flower-decked end and placed it on her head, leaving the folded braid to hang in a U behind her knees. With her headband secure, the woman finally looked up at Tamatoa. He caught his breath, and he suddenly withdrew his narrowed eyes. This woman had the most startling, bright green eyes he'd ever seen on a human—and he hadn't seen many humans. Coupled with the phases of the moon tattooed on her brow, there could be no mistaking who this was. This was no human at all.

"H...Hina!" Tamatoa gasped. He scuttled backwards a few paces, involuntarily snapping his claws. The woman smiled and put her hands on her hips. She seemed to be waiting; for what, he couldn't even guess. How could he have thought this was a human? No human had the strength to move him, much less haul him off his back with nothing but her hair. No human's hair could grow and shrink at will. No human that he knew of had eyes like that.

If Maui was the most powerful demigod known, then Hina was the most powerful demigoddess. Legends said that she could control the moon itself, see whatever the moon sees, and go wherever the moon looks down. It was also said that it was her hair that braided the fishing line Maui used to pull islands from the sea with his fishhook. She was just as fierce a warrior as he was, and her mind was twice as sharp.

Hina continued to smile brightly up at Tamatoa, saying nothing. Tamatoa swallowed hard, but his panic finally began to subside. She wasn't making any kind of aggressive moves towards him, and she had just pulled him up off of the ground. Slowly, Tamatoa crept back to stand before her, his eyes drawn back in caution.

"Er...Hina," he said, and nearly blushed at how shaky his voice was. He had just been bested by a tiny little human girl, not the obnoxious demigod with her. Yet, the last time Tamatoa tussled with that demigod, he'd lost the end of one of his legs. And, he knew Hina's reputation. Whatever she wanted, he didn't want to end up upside-down again. Or worse.

Tamatoa cleared his throat. "Hina, um, thanks for the lift." He even gave her a tiny bow, his maimed leg sticking out at a high angle. "Might...I mean, may I ask, why you're here? What business do you have in the Realm of Monsters?" Hina laughed softly, and tilted her head.

"First thing's first, Tamatoa," she said, her smile twisting wryly. "I would like to know why you were upside down? And just a few yards from your cave?" Tamatoa instantly scowled, despite his nervousness.

"Oh nothing, just had a run in with that thick-headed, ink-bedecked, chunky-hunky brother of yours!" he snapped. He crossed his front limbs and pouted, diverting his gaze away from the demigoddess. "He came to get his precious fishhook, and he used a squirmy little human girl to distract me for it. Lousy, low-life, no good..." He trailed off, muttering to himself. Though it was no secret that Maui and Hina hadn't actually been in confidence with each other for quite a few centuries, he didn't feel confident that she couldn't strangle him if he spoke too sharp-tongued about her half brother. Hina shook her head, still grinning.

"Of course. I was wondering where his hook had gone. Figures you would be the one to pick it up, eh?" She gave him a wink. Tamatoa pinched his mouth up at the remark. He decided if she was going to be round about and laugh at him, he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of his full attention. If she started getting aggressive, at least he could be assured he was faster than she was. He turned around and started to pick up the many treasures that had fallen from his shell after he was knocked over. He daintily gathered each sparkly trinket up one by one and plopped them back onto their rightful place, sniffing disdainfully each time he had to brush any grime off of something. He kept one eye trained behind him on Hina.

"So, Your Moon-ness," he drawled, blowing dust off of a jewel-encrusted goblet, "I answered your question, now how about mine? Why are you here in Lalotai?"

Hina sighed and looked at her nails.

"Funny we should be talking about Maui and his hook," she said lazily. "I actually am also looking for an artifact." She glanced up just as Tamatoa swung his other eye around to lock gazes with her. He blinked, then turned both eyes back to his treasure recovery before she noticed his pupils expand. Anything of value to a demigod certainly had value to an avid collector such as himself.

"Really?" he asked, keeping his tone uninterested. He picked up a diamond and examined it casually, turning it a few more times than necessary. "What kind of artifact might that be?"

"My artifact." Hina replied. "My magic necklace. Surely you've heard of it? The gods gifted it to me just as they gifted Maui his hook." Tamatoa's blood pump skipped for a moment. So, the great Hina had lost her legendary necklace? Perhaps she wasn't much more intelligent than her muscle bound counterpart.

"I hear many things when godly items are involved," he said casually. He swiveled an eye around again. "For instance, I've heard none of your moon-related abilities work without the necklace. You can't shape-shift without it either. The moon will wander its own path for the first time in centuries. Essentially," he said slowly, flicking a gold coin onto his shell, "you're powerless." He turned his other eye around. "Except for your hair and strength, that is." He watched her carefully, waiting to see how she would react. Hina regarded him coolly, her arms crossed over her chest. She raised an eyebrow. Evidently, she was studying him as closely as he was studying her. "And to think, you lost it as well?" He tsked, shaking his head. "Sounds like you demigods need to take better care of your things." Hina pressed her mouth into a thin line. Her lack of rebuttal told him though he'd hit the mark, she was too desperate to kill him for such a slight. Lucky him.

"Yes, well, I've been looking for it for some time, and I finally found out that it ended up down here, in Lalotai," said Hina. She looked off into the distance, then turned her gaze to him from the corner of her eye. "I'm afraid I'm not very familiar with this realm; haven't made the time to visit often enough," she said. "I figured it would behoove me to find a guide...And you, the great collector, are known to have an eye for valuable objects." Tamatoa grinned, glad he was turned away from the demigod. He didn't reply right away; rather, he picked up the rest of his treasures, then made a show of scouring the ground for anything he might have missed. Better to keep her waiting, just to be sure she wouldn't want to risk losing his services.

"It could be said that I have a certain...talent, when it comes to finding pretty things," he said, still not putting any investment into his tone. He could be hitting a goldmine here.

"And you know this realm well?" asked Hina. Tamatoa finally turned around and snapped at the air with a claw, smirking.

"Like the back of my claw, babe," he said. Hina raised both eyebrows. It took everything he had not to cackle with glee. He couldn't believe he was in a position to talk this way to the demigod of the moon! After the incident with Maui and his little human, it was a lovely boost to his ego. He leveled his eyes down to give her an underhanded gaze. "I could help you find your necklace, Lady Moon. Any reason why I should help you find it?" Tamatoa gave her a wide, barnacle-encrusted grin. Hina tapped her fingers on her arm, her nostrils flaring. He could almost feel her fighting to control her temper. A tiny voice in the back of his head told him to quit with the attitude, but the rest of his mind was shouting at him to not listen. This was too much fun. "After all," he said, shrugging, "I've had a very trying couple of days. I'm pretty sure I'd be better off going home, eating a gigantic meal and taking a long nap." He even took a moment to yawn for effect. He smirked again when Hina raised her eyes upward and tapped her foot. "I could be persuaded to help you with this endeavor," he said, drawing his words out, "if I were given some...incentive. Tell me, darling, what is your necklace worth?"

Hina gazed up at the giant, gold-bedecked coconut crab. She had to be careful with how she negotiated things here. Making a deal with the likes of Tamatoa could wind up biting her later on. It might be easier to just beat him into cooperation, but she just didn't feel like putting in the effort. Unlike her half brother, Hina preferred not to make enemies left and right. This kind of interaction required finesse. She shrugged and pretended to wave off his words.

"Well, if my leads are correct, my necklace won't be the only item of value we'll be happening upon," she said. She gave her braid a toss. "If I'm right, my necklace will be kept with a whole hoard of treasure, possibly one to rival your own." She nodded at his shell. "You help me, and you can have your pick of whatever is left. The whole thing, if you want." Though she didn't look directly at him as she said it, Hina watched Tamatoa's reaction closely.

Tamatoa's mouth practically watered at Hina's proposal. He had no idea there was another treasure hoard in Lalotai. He was sure he was the only one down there that collected things, and he mostly got his from trips to the ocean, plus anything that fell into this realm. The thought that someone else had managed to store more treasure, treasure that he didn't find, made him positively giddy.

It might even be more than I can carry. I'll have to make trips, or maybe just pile it all on my shell; like a sparkly mountain! I'll be so shiny! He nearly shuddered in excitement. Maybe he could even get away with Hina's necklace, if he was quick enough. There was a void in his collection left by Maui's fishhook; this was his chance to fill it. Tamatoa cleared his throat and clacked his claws.

"Sounds promising; intriguing, even. Alright then." He leaned down and extended his claw, his mouth curving in a wry smile. "You've got a deal, babe." Hina halfway smiled, and reached up to grasp the very tip of his claw. She internally cringed at the greed glittering unabashedly in the crab's eyes.

"Perfect. Shall we?"

Tamatoa crept to the edge of a cliff before halting. He scanned the valley below for any danger, knowing full well the larger monsters preferred to roam in the open. Hina sat on his shell behind his head, legs folded to her chest, arms curled around her knees. She calmly surveyed the dark realm around her, not bothered at all by the constant roars, snarls, and hissing echoing in the stale air. She certainly had no reason to truly fear anything down here; she could take the largest of monsters even without her necklace. She was more annoyed at having to make the trip to Lalotai in the first place. It shouldn't have taken her so long to figure out that her necklace was down here; that should have been a given. However, she'd journeyed here so rarely that she had no hope of finding where the necklace was hidden, even if she knew what the place was. She was loath to ask help from anyone, especially a bottom feeder like Tamatoa. Hina knew full well that he would try to take her necklace for himself if he saw an opportunity. All the greedy crab thought about was growing his collection of treasure. It was no secret he had held Maui's fishhook in his possession for a millennium. No doubt now that her half-brother had taken his artifact back, Tamatoa would be itching for his chance to possess another one. Hina had to be careful. Tamatoa knew every square inch of Lalotai; that knowledge was invaluable to her. She had to hope the abundant spoils waiting in the cave holding her necklace would be enough to distract the great collector.

As he picked his way down the ravine to Lalotai's great valley, Tamatoa fixed one eye on his immortal passenger. Hina steadily met his gaze.

"So tell me, Madame Lune, how did you lose this precious artifact of yours?" he asked lightly. Hina could hear the covetous edge to his voice. She looked off to the side, as if his question was no matter to her.

"Do you remember Te Tunaroa?" she asked. Tamatoa scowled, and made a distasteful noise

"The eel god? Didn't Maui kill him to make coconuts?" Hina chuckled. So Tamatoa wasn't a total hermit.

"Yeah." She sighed. "He keeps coming back. He's got this strange fascination with me." She suppressed a shudder, not wanting Tamatoa to sense any weakness. It was hard not to get chills when thinking about the father of eels. "Well, a little while back, I was bathing in my favorite pool, and he decided to pop in for a visit...again." She grimaced. "I told him to leave me alone, and even threatened him, but he said he just was wondering if I was interested in a...wager."

Tamatoa watched Hina's cheeks darken, and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He knew exactly where this story was going. Everyone knew Hina had a weakness for wagers; no doubt that was how she had lost her necklace. The twisted part of him was eager to hear the confession of such a mistake from her own mouth. Anything to have a leg up on a demigod.

"What kind of wager?" he asked innocently. Hina still didn't look at him.

"He bet that I couldn't beat him in a swimming race around the island's lagoon. I wasn't allowed to shape-shift. If he won, I'd have to..." Hina blew out a harsh breath. She couldn't believe her embarrassment was coming out so strongly in front of Tamatoa. It wasn't as if she cared what he thought; maybe it was just because of how intensely he was staring at her. Dumb crab. Hina cleared her throat. "If he won, I'd have to agree to be his wife—typical for him to bet that—and if I won, he'd leave me alone for ever." Tamatoa whistled.

"Those are some pretty high stakes babe," he said. "But I guess if you could get rid of him forever, I guess I see why you'd take the risk." Hina didn't miss the judgment in his voice.

"Anyway, I was sure I could still beat him, so I foolishly said yes. At that point, after he'd tried so many times, I'd do anything to keep him away." She gasped softly, and blushed even deeper. That last part wasn't supposed to come out of her mouth. The stupid crab was drawing the truth right out of her. Why was that? "So we started at one end of the lagoon and swam to the other. I lost sight of him soon after, so I was sure I had overtaken him easily. When I returned to the pool, triumphant that I had won, Te Tunaroa was gone...and so was my necklace."

Hina gritted her teeth, the anger from that afternoon flaring as if the theft had just happened.

"That slimy little worm stole my necklace, after I was foolish enough to leave it on the shore. Then, he slipped away like a dirty coward. It was all a trick, no doubt, just to weaken me. I have no idea what he's planning, but I doubt he took it just to mess with me. I have to find it, before he gets any more ideas." Again, the last part wasn't necessarily something she had wanted to say out loud, but at this point she was positively fuming. She didn't care what the crab heard; talking about it helped her focus her rage. As soon as she had her necklace back, she was going to teach Te Tunaroa a hard lesson. Maybe if she cut off his head and buried it, it might sprout some other kind of useful plant.

Tamatoa carefully picked his way through the skeleton of some great, unknown beast. He realized just then he didn't actually know where he was supposed to be going. Hina sounded like she knew the place where her necklace was being kept, but she'd neglected to actually say where that was.

Well then, why am I still moving? Tamatoa stopped dead. It must have been abrupt because he heard the tinkling of shifting treasure, followed by a small grunt.

"Something wrong?" Hina asked. Tamatoa craned his head around to look at her, mouth pursed.

"While it was very enlightening to hear how you lost your necklace, m'lady," he said tersely. Hina shrugged and interrupted,

"Hey, you asked." Tamatoa thinned his mouth and continued.

"I'm afraid you neglected to tell me where exactly this mysterious treasure hoard is. I'm pretty sure I've just been moving forward, no purpose or anything. Care to tell me what place I might be looking for, so I may look for it?" To add emphasis, he leaned his eyes in close enough to almost touch Hina's face. She leaned back. A small, amused smile curved her lips. Tamatoa had the sneaking suspicion that she'd purposefully left their destination out just to mess with him.

"Pardon me, I guess I should have been more forward," Hina said. "Although I'd hoped you would figure it out after hearing my story just now. Sorry to make you think while you walk." Tamatoa growled, showing his teeth. Hina didn't flinch. "It turns out, Te Tunaroa is quite the collector of valuables himself. My leads told me the most likely place for him to store my necklace would be a cave he uses down here. I guess he often visits it, either to store a find or to just relax in his wealth." Tamatoa gasped, eyes widening.

"Te Tunaroa's cave? He stores treasure in there?" The blatant shock on his face made Hina's smile widen.

"I take it you've heard of it?" she asked. Tamatoa let out a harsh laugh.

"Heard of it? I've seen it. Tunaroa used to visit Lalotai all the time. Every time he showed up, silence would fall. Every monster ran for cover. He's the only god that has ever deigned to grace this dark world with his eely presence. And, he always made a course for the same cave. I thought it was just a favorite napping spot, or maybe some place where he brought helpless maidens." Hina's brow creased in a slight scowl. Tamatoa snorted; despite her tough demeanor, Hina was obviously more sensitive then she let on. He made mental note to exploit that fact later. But, right now he was slightly distracted by a different source of new information. "I never imagined Tunaroa was taking treasure to that cave. I could kick myself for not checking it out sooner." He suddenly frowned. "That guy always gave me the heebie-jeebies; all slithery...slimy...big teeth..." Tamatoa heard Hina giggle, and he whipped around to snarl at her. "What's so funny?" She casually propped her chin on her hand, giving him a cool smile.

"Oh, nothing. I guess anyone would be afraid of a god, even a gigantic, hard-shelled monstrosity such as yourself," she simpered. Tamatoa narrowed his eyes, then suddenly spun around to face the other way. Hina was roughly flung to her side by the momentum. Tamatoa smirked when he heard her grunt in pain.

"Sorry about that babe," he said cheerfully. He heard her mutter something under her breath, but didn't catch it. "So, if it's Te Tunaroa's little hideaway we need, then we'll have to head in the other direction." He scanned the valley for the right landmark, then let out an "ah-ha!" when he spotted a narrow ravine right across the way, and scuttled forward.