Sara's Saving Grace
She knew that she loved him. She had loved him for a very long time, even when she supposed she shouldn't have. That was what was so wonderful and wickedly cruel about love, it ruled you, you didn't rule it. From the moment her brown eyes met his blue she was lost, never to totally regain the part of her soul that he stole away from her that day. Yet you can't really steal what is given willingly can you?
Her life was ruled by logic and reality. She had learned from an early age to live that way. There was no room for fairy tales or dreaming of the knight arriving on his white horse to rescue her, she would have to rescue herself. Learning to be invisible was an important survival skill as well in her house. When the sharp words and stinging hands started to fly, it was better to become part of the wall or fade into the shadows. Afterwards, she carried those lessons with her to each new foster or group home she arrived at. Sara Sidle took care of and relied only upon Sara Sidle and she would not let herself down. Then she met Gil Grissom and she knew deep down that her life had been changed forever.
How could one pair of eyes create so much pleasure and yet create as much pain? She could tell his moods just by looking at his eyes. When he was laughing, caring, or excited about something, they twinkled like a bright summer's day, but when he was upset, under stress or in some inner turmoil they were the color of the stormy ocean. Like Lake Superior during a dangerous November witch, they betrayed his emotions when he would not let himself release anything. She loved him even then.
How could one person hold such power? To love someone for so many years and receiving only snippets of affection wasn't the smartest or healthiest thing she's ever done, but the heart loves who it wants to, and her head lost that battle long ago. She had even tried to move on, get over him, try to love another, but he was always there in the back of her mind, in the center of her heart. So she waits, waits for him to notice her, give her something to cling to, and waits for him to love her. He did feel something for her, she knew it, but would he ever let himself act on his feelings?
She would hold on for so long and then force herself to not love him, but that never worked, even as she told herself that every day. Just when she thought she was gaining ground in her battle, he would smile one of his wonderful smiles only at her or stand extra close to her or call her name out like a tender caress on the wind, and her heart would fall again. Falling wasn't the problem, for it was a wonderful feeling at times, the free-fall of love, but the landing was getting harder each time. It took all that she had to pull herself up again and go on at times but she was a determined, ok, stubborn, person and was determined to make Gil Grissom wake up and realize he loved her just as much as she loved him. For know, the little smiles and the occasional 'Honey' would suffice, but she would wait forever for this man. Without realizing it, she had put her life on hold waiting for him to love her. She had hardly any social life, few friends outside of work, and the only things that occupied her time were work and Grissom. What had happened to that self-reliant person that she once was? She didn't go anywhere, or do anything, just kept up her silent vigil.
The one time she had tried to move on had not ended well, she knew that she didn't love Hank, he was just there. Not the best reason to be in a relationship of course, but at the time she was determined to 'have the life' that Grissom told her she deserved to have. So why did he act the jealous lover, when he had no right to? Did he mean that she deserved a life but not with anyone else but him? Even if he wouldn't let himself have her, nobody else could either? That was what was so painful and terribly confusing to her. She could feel the spark between them and was positive he could too, yet he denied it to her and to himself as well. Drowning the flame and her sorrows didn't work either, and after a particularly bad night at work, she went out to release some frustration, and ended up getting pulled over for a suspected DUI. Fully expecting the turbulent indigo of Grissom's eyes and matching temper, she was ready for the tirade and dismissal; instead she was shocked when he just sat down beside her, held her hand and told her he'd take her home. With that simple act of kindness, she knew she had lost another battle in the war between her head and her heart.
Still she waits, she waited through Terri Miller, through Lady Heather, which was hard enough, but she did it, and now it looked like she would have to endure a wait through Sofia Curtis. She wasn't sure if she had the strength to wait through this one. A person can only be pulled in and made to believe that they were wanted, needed one minute and then the next minute be tossed aside like yesterday's newspaper, after Grissom did the crossword puzzle of course. Feeling like Gil Grissom's own human yo-yo, she waited for the next go-round, but the first yo-yo she saw was going to die a horrible painful death.
The only thing that she did get to nearly annihilate was her career, or so she thought. Things just weren't the same after that slug Ecklie split up the team. Not being to see her friends like always was hard enough but Ecklie demoted Sofia from the dayshift supervisor position to work with Grissom's team. To see them flirting with each other was almost killing her. Did Grissom feel that same pain whenever he heard of her and Hank? Did he feel the same rejection that she did now? Somehow she seriously doubted that he thought that much about her. That is until she heard the knock on her door. Ok, maybe telling off Catherine and Ecklie wasn't the smartest move on her part but her mouth was moving faster than her brain at the moment, and she ended up being suspended from work. It was only a matter of time until she got her dismissal notice she wearily thought and when she heard the knock at the door she was preparing herself for the worst. Or so she thought. Then there he was at her door, waiting…waiting to be invited in, waiting for her questions, waiting for her explanation….waiting for her answer to his one question about her anger, waiting for her. She wasn't going to give any reason or answer, she had told him to just leave it alone, but the calm insistency of his voice and deep cerulean blue of those eyes told her that he was there for her this time instead of being there because he had to. And so she began to tell him her story……
She never meant to tell anyone, least of all the one person on Earth that she cared for the most, about her past, her childhood, her mother killing her father. She did not need or want the pity or the sorrowful looks that were sure to be tossed her way once her secret was out. But now that Grissom knew, how would he treat her, how would he see her now? Would she be more flawed in his eyes or somehow see the inner turmoil that spills out of her at times is not unfounded or unwarranted. So he sat and listened to her and sat and listened some more while she worried about murder being genetic and as she began to cry, he did the only thing he could think of to do at the moment…he sat and held her hand again. He just sat and held her hand and waited for her to let things go, and then he went to deal with Catherine and Ecklie. He knew that he needed her there, now he realized how much he needed and wanted her there, so he told Ecklie that he was not going to fire her and that he had taken the necessary disciplinary action against her as well. Things were going to change he decided, for Sara Sidle meant a lot more to him than just a co-worker, she was a part of him.
By letting go of some of her secrets and letting someone inside her inner sanctum, Sara actually felt better for it. Too many years of bottling up everything and letting it explode at will had cost her a lot more than she realized. She still wasn't going to let everyone inside, but maybe just a few, a few who might understand her and not judge her for it. Grissom had surprised her earlier, for she was expecting him to be upset with her for her insubordination and attitude concerning Ecklie and Catherine and for throwing away her career. Yet all he did was calmly ask his question and listened to her, actually listened to her without judgment and he held her hand when she cried without acting uncomfortable or emotionally distant. Perhaps things could change for the better between them; maybe they could recapture their old friendship or build a better one. He went and stood up for her against Ecklie and Catherine and refused to fire her, that meant a lot to her, as no one had ever really stuck up for her ever. Yes, perhaps things were looking better.
Sara never knew she had grace, that is until the love of her life kept telling her so. It was a long complicated journey to get to where she was but she knew now that she was strong enough to make it. She had almost given up a few times but she didn't and it was that stubborn tenacity that was finally her saving grace. She worked on what she wanted until it was hers and finally Gil Grissom was hers. It had taken a very long time but Grissom's heart finally won the battle against his head and he told Sara that he had always loved her and wanted to be with her for always. Most people look at stubbornness as a negative trait or something to overcome, for Sara it gave her what she wanted most and truly saved her. It truly was her saving grace.
The End.