Cartman Diet

Summary: When Cartman has to be out of school for a week, he hires a temp to take his place in the group.

A/N: This is my first attempt at a South Park fan fiction. Constructive criticism is appreciated; flaming is not -_-; With that said, enjoy! :)

Chapter One: How to be an Asshole 101

"AARGH!" Cartman groaned in pain; he had thrown up for the seventh time in a row that night. "AARGH!"

Mrs. Cartman was holding a bucket for her son to vomit in and was careful not to let any of it splash anywhere.

"Oh, my poor baby!" she cried. "What's happening to you?"

"AARGH!" Cartman groaned again. He coughed violently, choking on his own vomit while gasping for breath. Mrs. Cartman rushed from the room with the full bucket and dumped its contents into the bathroom toilet. She gave her son the empty bucket and rushed downstairs to the kitchen phone.

"I'm calling 911!"

Less than 15 minutes later, the ambulance arrived and placed Cartman on a stretcher. The sirens got the attention of all the neighbors who came to see what the problem was. Stan and Kyle, both in their pajamas, were the only children among the crowd of adults.

"What's going on?" Stan asked sleepily.

"I don't know, dude," Kyle replied groggily. "This is, like, the 4th time this week Cartman's gone to the hospital."

As the paramedics wheeled him to the ambulance truck, the two boys caught a good look at Cartman. His hair was ratty, with bits of puke on the ends and his eyes were flooded with tears of pain. His face and body were covered in sweat and he coughed and gagged loudly until the ambulance doors shut behind him.

"Whoa, Cartman looks like hell," said Stan gaining some wakefulness.

"He does, doesn't he?" asked Kyle. "I don't think he's gonna make it to school tomorrow."

"Sound good to me," said Stan. "I was getting pretty tired of hearing him whine about his stomach hurting anyway."

At the hospital, Cartman lay in bed exhausted from the vomiting. His mother held his hand and stroked it to comfort him. Soon, the doctor came in with a clipboard and gestured to Mrs. Cartman to approach him.

"How is he doctor?" she asked tearfully.

"Mrs. Cartman, this is the fourth time in a week we've seen your son. And I can guarantee you he has been stricken by the worst case of food poisoning I've even seen."

"Oh, my poor little Eric!"

"He'll need plenty of rest and a strict diet if he's going to recover from this. Until he shows signs of improvement, he'll have to stay in the hospital for a week." The doctor put his arm around Mrs. Cartman. "I'm sorry."

The doctor left the room and Mrs. Cartman came to her son's side to fill him in.

"A week?!" Cartman shrieked.

"Yes, sweetie," said Mrs. Cartman. "The doctors said you need to rest for a while and have a more restricted diet."

"But what about the rest of my Easter candy?!" Cartman demanded.

"Well, poopsy-kins, maybe you shouldn't have saved it until this late in September."

"But Meeem! I want my Easter candyyyyy!" said Cartman with a grating whine.

"I'm sorry Eric, but I can't risk having you throw up like that again. That candy is over a year old."

"But Meeeeeeem….! The Cadbury eggs are my faaaaavoriiiite!"

"I'm going to get rid of that candy. And make sure that all your homework from school is brought to you here." Mrs. Cartman continued, not even acknowledging her son's pleading

"But Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem!" Cartman said in an even more grating whine, "There's no point of missing school if I have to do hoooomewooooooork!"

Mrs. Cartman gave her son a quick kiss on the forehead.

"I'll be back to see you tomorrow, sweetie."

"Meeeeeeeeeem!" Cartman whined again while reaching out to her.

"Good night, Eric." Mrs. Cartman said sternly. And with that, she left her son in the hospital room.

Cartman slumped down in his bed, sulking and folding his arms in frustration. For a while he stayed like that, worried for his candy but also for his friends. He wasn't about to let them be without him for a week; let them indulge in freedom while he suffered here in the hospital. He was going to make sure that they and South Park Elementary would never know he was gone. He ran his fingers through his hair to neaten his appearance and then snagged his iPhone from his duffle bag.

He dialed a long phone number and after a long while of ringing, he heard a muffled, "Hello?"

"Heeeyyy," said Cartman, "You remember that favor you owe me, babe?"

"Yeah," said the voice.

"Well…I'm calling it in." Cartman looked around to make sure he wasn't being watched and whispered into his phone, "I'm in Hell's Pass Hospital."

A worried mumble came from the iPhone.

"It's a long story; I'll fill you in when you get here," said Cartman

"Get…there?" the muffled voice asked.

"Be here in one hour," he said firmly. "I'll fill you in on everything and on what you're going to be doing for me this week."

The next day, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were all standing at the bus stop in their usual way.

"So, did you hear?" said Stan. "Cartman's going to be out of school for a week."

"Seriously?" asked Kyle.

"Yeah," mumbled Kenny, "and they're gonna give this really crappy paste diet while he there," he added with a muffled laugh.

"Serves him right for being such a fat-ass," Kyle chuckled.

Suddenly, a fourth child came to their bus stop. She had pale skin and long, blonde hair pasted to her ears by a pair of dark blue earmuffs. She was also wearing a dark gray coat and pink pants. All the boys looked toward her as she came to stand next to Stan.

"Who are you?" asked Stan.

"Hi," she said, "You must be Stan."

"Yeah," said Stan.

"And you're…Kenny and you're Kyle, right?" the girl said pointing to each boy.

"Yeah," said Kyle. "Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm new here," chimed the girl, "My name's Cierra. You're my cousin, Eric Cartman's friends, right?"

Stan's eyes went wide. "You're Cartman's cousin?"

"Mm-hmm," Cierra nodded. "I just moved here. I actually wasn't supposed to be transferred to South Park Elementary for a few weeks, but I'm here to fulfill a request for my dear cousin," she said with a smile.

Kyle was a little confused, "…A…request?"

"Uh-huh!" Cierra said. "I'm gonna be you guys' Eric Cartman for the week, until my cousin can step back in," she explained in a chipper tone.

The children stood in an awkward silence until Kyle broke it.

"…I'm sorry…What?!" he asked in disbelief. Was this girl off her rocker?

"I know I don't look like much," Cierra began digging her feet in the snow, "and I couldn't possibly stand up to the original but I promise you guys," she put a hand to her heart, "I'll do my very best and be the best Cartman you've ever had!" Cierra placed her hands behind her back and swayed innocently. "Until Eric returns at least," she added, capping off her sentence with a cheerful giggle. The bus soon arrived and Cierra rushed to it. "Come on, guys!" she called to the boys in the same cheery tone. "Let's have some serious fun this week!" With a wide smile on her face, she boarded the bus leaving the boys completely dumbfounded.

"…Dude…" Stan began. "…What the hell just happened?"

"I think…we got a replacement Cartman," said Kyle.

"If that's our Cartman for the week," Stan began, "this is gonna be one interesting week."

"I'll say," Kenny mumbled, awestruck.

As the boys entered the bus, Cierra was nowhere to be found.

"Huh," said Stan. "Where did she g—Ahhhhh!"

Stan lost his words and his balance as suddenly found himself careening towards the floor with Kyle and Kenny right behind him. Stan was face-to-face with the bus's aisle, while Kyle and Kenny were face-to-ass with Stan and Kyle respectively.

Suddenly a cruel laugh filled their ears.

"Check it out, everybody!" Cierra cackled, "It's the face-to-ass centipede!"

Everyone on the bus laughed at the three friends all the way to school.

A/N: And so it begins! I'll be making an effort to post a new chapter to this story by latest after the new episode of South Park premieres each Wednesday. You read, so review please! I'll see you all next week! :3