Title: The Hogwarts Gazette

Chapter: One: The Appointment
Rating: M

Synopsis: Prequel to 'The Meaning of Life at Hogwarts (or The Hogwarts School Band)': This takes place during Harry's second year at Hogwarts, during the time of Gilderoy Lockhart. To assist his already over-inflated ego Lockhart suggests that the students put together their own paper – 'The Hogwarts Gazette'. Unfortunately, Severus Snape ends up on the wrong end of Hermione Granger's pen.

Original Character: For the moment, just Alistor Daker.

Legal: All the characters (besides those mentioned in the above) are the creation of the wonderful JK Rowling, this story has been written because I was bored and had nothing more exciting to do. This isn't for profit.

The Appointment

This was becoming a very usual event for Albus Dumbledore, not that there were ever many applicants (at least that made it to the interviews), he'd already had his debate with Severus Snape over whether or not he was a suitable candidate. Eventually winning him over with the point that if he, Severus Snape, was appointed as Defence against the Dark Arts teacher then he, Albus Dumbledore, would struggle to find a potions teachers of equal skill. Sadly this did mean that he ended having to sit through endless presentations from terrible candidates, or at least it used to.

"I don't see why we all have to be here to listen to the whingebag." Snape commented as he sat down at the long table in the headmasters adjoining study.

"Shut up, Severus." Minerva McGonagall replied hitting him slightly with her notepad. "You're giving the impression that you don't want to be here."

"I'd rather not be, I've got plenty of things I could be doing."

"Such as?" Filius Flitwick asked.

"Preparing for the forthcoming year."

"Really." McGonagall replied with a raised eyebrow.

Snape looked at them; "I don't spend every second of my free time engaged in sexual relations."

"Sexual relations? Not heard it called that in a long time." Professor Sprout said taking her seat at the table. "In my day we just referred to it as shagging." There was laughter.

"Ha ha." He folded his arms, "since you're all in such a jovial mood, why don't you ask Professor Flitwick to tell you about his young gentleman."

"Oh, so you have a young gentleman do you, Filus?" McGonagall giggled.

"I do not!" Flitwick replied hotly.

However before more information could be extracted from the poor professor (who was doing a fairly good impression of a beetroot) Albus Dumbledore arrived.

"Ah, thank you for giving up your spare time. I've asked you to listen to Mr Lockhart's presentation as I would like your opinions before I make my final decision." He said whilst attempting to set up the presentation chart

"You don't normally require our opinions in making up your mind." McGonagall commented.

"No, I don't normally but Mr Lockhart is a bit of a unusual case."

"How so?"

"The celebrity nature."

"Professor, have you actually read any of his books?" Snape asked.

"Yes, of course." Dumbledore was struggling with the chart, "I felt obliged to upon his application."

"And?"

"He has lead a remarkable life, and would be an interesting addition to the staff." He gave up with the chart and pointed his wand at it.

"Then why do you need our opinions?" Professor Spout asked.

"You'll soon see." There was a sharp knock at the door, "ah, that'll be Mr Lockhart now. Come in! Come in!"

Gilderoy Lockhart bounced into the room, literally. He was wearing a bright pink suit, complete with yellow spotted bow tie and ruffled shirt; Professor Sprout had to bite her lip to prevent a laughing fit.

"Good morning!" He gleamed sickeningly.

"Ah Gilderoy, I'd like you to meet my heads of staff." Dumbledore indicated to the table of gathered staff. "This is Minerva McGonagall, my right hand as it were."

"Charmed, most charmed." Lockhart said taking McGonagall's hand and kissing it.

"Maureen Sprout, Head of Hufflepuff and Herbology teacher." Lockhart repeated his kiss, "Filius Flitwick, Head of Ravenclaw and Charms teacher." He shook hands thoroughly with the little man, "and finally this is Severus Snape Head of Slytherin and our Potions teacher."

Lockhart held out his hand "ah, Professor Snape I believe I've read one of your articles."

"Indeed," Snape replied, refusing to unfold his arms and take the outstretched hand.

"I'm very much looking forward to discussing experimental memory potions with you."

"Of course."

Sensing perhaps that this wasn't the best time to discuss experimental memory potions with the young Potions teacher, Lockhart turned back to the group. "Shall we get on? I'm sure you've all got better things to do than listen to my little presentation." McGonagall had to stand on Snape's foot before he could say anything.

Three hours later everyone was fighting off the urge to yawn openly (including Albus Dumbledore) there was no denying that Gilderoy Lockhart was indeed impressive, but an impressive what was open to discussion. Professor's McGonagall and Snape were engaged in a pretty intense game of hangman.

"Wish he'd hurry up, I'm dying for a pee." He whispered to McGonagall.

"I'm sure he can't talk for much longer." She replied, hanging the little stickman (which looked remarkably like Gilderoy Lockhart). "You loose."

"And that ladies and gentleman is why I would make a very good addition to your teaching staff, what with my advanced knowledge in various subjects including, of course, my own skills in the Defence against the Dark Arts. Thank you." He took an extravagant bow.

Albus Dumbledore led a very muted applause. "Very interesting, Mr Lockhart. We will be discussing your application and will be in touch with you shortly. Mr Filch will show you out."

Lockhart left after a flurry of handshakes and smiles. Dumbledore turned to his assembled staff, with an enquiring look in his eye. "Well?"

"I have to go to the bathroom." Snape said standing.

"Wait a moment, Severus, I'd like to ask you your opinion."

"Unless you want a rather large puddle on the floor…"

Dumbledore waved a hand in the direction of the door, "Go, go." Snape disappeared out of the room. "What do you think?"

"Very…interesting." McGonagall finally found the words she looking for. "He's not someone I'd normally see as a teacher."

"His unorthodox style might actually help, I'd imagine he'd be quite indulgent with students." Flitwick commented. "Whether or not his indulgence will be of any use is another question, but yes I think he would be a very interesting choice."

"I can see him and Severus clashing." Sprout added.

"Yes, but Severus is likely to clash with a potato." Snape picked this particular moment to return. "No offence."

"About what?" He asked resuming his seat.

"Nothing."

"My mind is made up on this, I would like to employ Gilderoy Lockhart however I did anticipate that many of you would have strong opinions on the subject, which I would prefer to hear sooner rather than later." Dumbledore leaned forward.

"I believe he would be a great source of irritation, and the fact that his books are a pretentious work of fiction begs the question of how you can possibly think that he is qualified to teach." Snape said.

"Well, the part about his books being a work of fiction is debatable." McGonagall began, "and regarding his ability to teach, may I remind you Severus that we all had doubts over your abilities when you were first appointed."

"That's hardly the same, I never made any false claims about my abilities and I would like to believe that I am not as far up my own arse as that man is. Also I think Lockhart is so far in the closet he's in Narnia!"

"Narnia?"

Snape waved his hand slightly, "Muggle book reference."

"You can't possibly be suggesting that he's gay! Gilderoy Lockhart has armies of female fans, and apparently he's quite the man about town." Sprout snorted. "And you surely can't be homophobic, considering that you happen to be queer."

"I can't imagine a straight man would turn up for an interview in a bright pink suit, complete with ruffled shirt."

"I've never see you anything more colourful than dark green." Dumbledore said with a slight smile. "You can have this debate with Mr Lockhart, I should say Professor Lockhart when he joins you for the pre-term preparations in August. Now I'm sure you've all got much more interesting things to do, I thank for you allowing an old man his indulgence." He left the room, after first blasting the chart.

"So, Severus what did you think of him?" McGonagall asked with a mischievous look in her eye.

"You already know what I think." He replied.

"Of his body."

"Of his body?" He turned slightly pink, "pretty unremarkable."

"He had a very nice smile." Sprout said with a grin.

"He's an arrogant egotistical little arsehole!"

"And those eyes." McGonagall added.

"Ladies, please you cannot be seriously suggesting that you found…that! attractive!"

"Rumour is that he's hung like a donkey."

"I don't want to know." Snape said standing.

"Oh come on, you must have an opinion."

"Alright, he has quite a cute backside, but that's all I'm allowing him!"