He was there, just there. Sitting on a chair with his hands in his lap. On the table in front of him was a beer. Half empty. A half-empty beer. On his head was his famous cap. Just sitting on his head like it always had. Sometimes she almost suspected that he had it on when he was sleeping, even showering. Well, those thoughts were before the thing. The "kiss" at the Dragonfly's front porch. Now she was fooling herself. It hadn't been a "kiss" but a kiss. No, a kiss-kiss.
She was there, just there. Standing outside the window of his diner. She had her hands in her pockets and her heart in her chest. Funny, since every other person on earth had their heart there too. Like many others she had hair on her head. Almost black and very curly.
Slowly she moved one of her hands and placed it gently on the window in front of her. It was very silent, but still a small sound made its way into the air. She heard it, but then it was gone again. All she could hear now was her own heartbeat. She remembered when Rory was born and the first thing she noticed when she held her… was her heartbeat. Knowing that she had given such a little thing life, it was just wonderful.
She wanted to do so again. She wanted to do it so badly. But her body was aging. It was getting older and soon it wouldn't be able to have children. Her hand was still plastered to the window. It was glued to the place, and she wasn't sure whether it would ever be able to move. She glanced at his face. His nose had his nose shape. Nobody had a nose like him, she knew that. And his eyes. They were just his eyes. So blue, so deep.
Slowly she tapped on the window. Not very loud, just enough for him to hear. She saw him move. Slowly his face changed position and his gaze wandered across the room. He met her eyes, then looked down. She felt her heart fall, it dropped. But then he lifted his head again. He had found the courage once again, and their eyes met. She smiled a genuine and sincere smile. It was plastered on her face like the cap to his head. He smiled back, she had that power, always had. She was the only one who truly knew how to make him smile.
He slowly managed to get up. He pushed the chair away and then started walking, still with his eyes on her, in hers. She was just standing there with her hand on the window with no intention to move. It had been so long, too long since they had been close to one another. But there was a wall between them. A wall she had built by walking away that night, by sleeping with another guy that night. It felt like so long ago, but she could still feel her heart ache when she thought back.
A few more steps and he would be there, by the door. Once again she would hear the bells jingle. The same bells as the day they met… a decade ago. She remembered it so clearly, the sound. Her first thought was 'nice bells' and ever since that day she loved hearing the sound. She loved to see him smile. She loved him. He was the one she had always enjoyed being around, and she knew he felt the same way…
Her heart stopped; at least it skipped a beat. She didn't know what to do, what to say. The door now opened and she was still standing there with her hand on the window. He came closer, ten feet reduced to eight, and eight to six. And then he stopped. He was there. She was there. On their spots, within a safe distance. The wall was there. Protecting them… but from what? It was more like a barrier that didn't belong there, but had been placed there. Why? Why them?
They could have been happy. Everything could have been okay. But it wasn't.
She tried to smile. Forced her lips to form something that should look like a smile. But it didn't. He tried too, but failed as much as her. They were both failures. Both of them had caused all the damage and all the pain in their relationship. But then why were they so damn right for each other. They both knew, everyone knew. But then who had placed them in the vicious circle? It was a question to where there existed no answer.
She wanted to be in his arms so badly. She wanted him to hold her again after so long. She wanted to lie beside him again, feel his breath against her neck, and his hand running through her hair. For six months she had been alone in bed. The first month she cuddled herself to one of his shirts, but then it didn't smell like him anymore, not really. So she placed it in a box in the back of her closet. She needed it to keep some of the smell, so she would always be able to remember it.
He looked like he used to, maybe a little older and a little sadder. Maybe he had suffered too? Maybe her heart wasn't the only that had been aching for so long. But why had things gone so wrong? If the love was there, the compassion. If they were a big puzzle then where was the last piece that made things fit? Who had tossed it away? She would guess they at somehow had a piece each that would complete the puzzle, but then they threw it away.
She wasn't sure, and she had a feeling that she never would be.
He sighed, she sighed. Both wondering what would happen within the next few seconds. She knew what she wanted to happen and he knew it too. Slowly she took a step forward, still with the hand on the window.
She could feel the cold wind against her skin. It was early in the spring, still with a soft touch of winter. She thought back to the time snow fell last year. It was in the end of November, just around thanksgiving. There she had been at a table at the Dragonfly. On her right side was Rory and on her left Christopher. But while sitting there, she couldn't help but think a year back. When "HE", the right guy had been by her side. She had tried, she really had done her best to make it work with Christopher. She tried to fall in love again, but her heart wouldn't allow her.
You're not going to fool me this time! You find real love once in life. Once!
And she knew who that 'one' was. It was the guy she betrayed, not the guy she was unfaithful with. The guy that let her walk away months ago when it was still warm. It had almost been a year since they parted, a year of heart ache and long days. The first nights had been so dark, so long. The first night she had covered her body with a blanket, the sheets on the floor along with the pillows. But that was no longer the case. She had learned to sleep alone… or with Christopher by her side.
But now he was out of her life again. Once again he had bailed on her, but it hadn't hurt as much as it used to. She knew how stupid it had been to let him in once again, but the time she did it she was heart broken and lost. Now he was gone again, and this time she didn't expect him to come back. He had finally understood that her heart didn't belong to him anymore. He was the one who tossed it away years back, and now she had given it to someone else.
The man in front of her.
The silence between them was… indescribable.
She wanted to say something, he wanted to say something. But what was there left to say. A part of her had no words left. She had used too many words these last few months. All the shouting and fighting, her choice of words was smaller than ever, at least she felt that way. Was she supposed to say how much she missed him, his coffee? Should she tell him that she still loved him and was willing to forgive him, though she was the one who needed to be forgiven? Should she say sorry for letting him down, for being a stone wall towards him? She had no idea. And it seemed like he didn't know either.
At last she made a decision. She had to take the first step. In their relationship many mistakes had been made, but the biggest by her, so if she wanted the slightest chance to fix things, she was the one to move.
So she did. She removed her hand from the window, and left a mark. Like she had in his heart. Every kiss she had planted on his lips still burned when he was lying in bed at night, thinking of her.
Once again she sighed. Then he sighed. And then she tried to smile, but her lips were too frozen. Coffee would have been good.
"He's gone" she then whispered. Her voice didn't break, but it was low and weak. Not sad, at all…
She hadn't been able to cry when he left. He left her at the front porch. Just told her that she was better of without him, and he now understood that she wasn't willing to sacrifice herself for him. And she nodded. She agreed with him. When he said goodbye with a slight smile she just said "I'm sorry". And she was. She thought there was nothing left for her in life, now her last chance for "the package" was gone, but then she realized that she would never have been able to have it with him.
Rather not have it at all then.
He looked in her eyes, she stared back. She wondered if he would say anything, but he then nodded. He apparently knew it.
Had he been waiting for her to show up?
She didn't know what to expect, what to hope. Would he offer her safe arms and comfort she didn't need? Or would he turn his back on her, like she had done when he showed at her door begging her to come away with him to Maryland. She wanted him to hold her, she wanted them to be fine, but they still had the barrier between them, brick by brick it had come to stand, and brick by brick it had to come to fall.
Brick by brick…
Her heart rhythm was normal, her breathing was normal, but her head was going on full time. A cold breeze "grabbed" her dress and made it whirl around her legs. Her hair followed and covered her face. At the same time she shed on tear, just one.
She thought he didn't notice, but he did. He saw it and his heart dropped. She was not over him, the other guy.
He hesitated, then took a step backwards. He was pulling back.
"Luke…" she started, but he voice trailer over. He just shook his head and was about to return to the safe space, behind the glass. But she couldn't let him leave, if they had another chance it couldn't wait any longer.
"Don't go!"
He turned and looked at her. Again he saw a tear roll down her cheek and now he understood. She wasn't crying over the other man, but him. She was crying over them. Him and her as a couple. He wanted to hold her tight and comfort her, but before he would be able to do that, he needed to forgive her, she needed to forgive herself and they needed to talk.
"I'm not asking you to forgive me, I'm just asking for you" she said in a low voice. He wished it was that simple, but it wasn't. By that time he realized he wasn't the one who needed to forgive her, she was the one who hadn't forgiven herself again.
"I can't give that to you. Not before you have forgiven yourself" he replied.
"Forgive…" she nodded. She understood and agreed. He was right. She hadn't let go of what she did to him almost a year ago. It still hurt to think about it. But now she understood that he had already forgiven her. How he had done it, she didn't know, but he had.
But she couldn't do it all alone; she needed him by her side before she would be able to do that. She needed to know that he would be there and wait for her to be ready.
"I can't. Not alone. I need you"
He looked at her and saw the truth. As in a movie he opened up his arms and let her in. A brick fell from the solid wall as he embraced her. She placed her head on his shoulder and cried silently. There in the street where it ended, it yet again, started.
After a while she pulled back. His arms were still around her like the time at the Dragonfly. She looked at his lips and then couldn't control herself anymore. She leaned in and kissed him softly. But it was still there, the love. And most important. He was still there… after all.