Behavior Dis-Odor
"He he he," Pyro stood over a pot of something boiling on the stove while muttering to himself. "Soon it will be ready. Everything is coming together. Yes…yes…"
"What are you doing?" Piotr asked as he and Remy entered the kitchen.
"I'm working on my latest project," Pyro grinned maniacally as he added some green powder to his pot. "The ultimate creation that will prove to everyone my superior genius!"
"Oh no," Remy groaned. "The mad scientist is at it again! Pyro just because you accidentally created a new lifeform does not make you a scientific genius!"
"Sure it does," Pyro insisted. "The Plooze was brought to life all because of me. A living thing like nothing that has ever existed before. If I can do that, I can do anything!"
"Yeah, except act sane," Remy snapped. "And play with chemicals without causing an extinction-level disaster. Didn't you learn your lesson after the Sliming Cloud Fiasco?"
"That was different," Pyro huffed. "It would've worked if I hadn't made a teensy, weensy error…"
"Teensy, weensy!" Remy exclaimed. "Your attempt to make an instant healing compound blew the whole roof of the base clear to Scandinavia! Thanks to you we had to wear contamination suits around here every day for a week!"
"Not to mention eat and soak ourselves in that disgusting vitamin mixture five times a day in order to have all our body hair grow back," Piotr added.
"Minor setbacks," Pyro waved. "This time I'll succeed. Ah, it's done!" Pyro removed the pot from the heat and carefully poured its contents into a spray bottle. "At last, it's ready!"
"Alright, what's that stuff supposed to do?" Remy asked.
"This is my mutant enhancing serum," Pyro explained proudly. "By spraying it on myself my mutant powers will be enhanced and increased tenfold!"
"Didn't Magneto try something like this before?" Piotr asked. "Using some sort of crystal?"
"Yeah, I heard him mumbling something about that once," Remy thought. "Not sure if it worked though."
"Well my serum definitely will," Pyro boasted.
"What makes you say that?" Piotr asked.
"Because it was created by utilizing my superior intelligence," Pyro beamed.
"I'm not even gonna dignify that with a reply," Remy groaned.
"Now all I need is a test subject," Pyro grinned and shot his teammates a crazy look.
"Oh no, don't even think about it!" Remy held up his hands.
"Get away from me!" Piotr backed away.
"Why don't you go find some poor, dumb mutant animal to try that on?" Remy snapped.
"Where would he find one of those?" Piotr asked.
"Outta my way, lunkheads," Sabertooth growled as he entered the kitchen and pushed past Remy and Piotr.
"Perfect!" Pyro sprayed Sabertooth right in the face.
"Gaahhh!" Sabertooth knocked Pyro aside. "What's the big idea? Do you have a death wish? And what's that weird smell?"
"Is it working?" Pyro picked himself up and inspected Sabertooth. "Is he changing? Growing? Getting hairier? Anything?"
"No," Piotr said.
"Gee, what a shock," Remy drawled.
"Hmmm, maybe ya gotta drink it." Pyro unscrewed the top of the sprayer and took a sip. Then he started to choke. "Gaaahhh!"
"Behold the great Pyro," Remy clapped sarcastically.
"Bleah!" Pyro ran to the sink and began rinsing his mouth out with water. "Bad…serum bad…very bad…"
"Well, looks like we don't have to worry about you trying to create any more serums for the rest of the week," Remy smirked at Pyro. "Unless drinking it gives you more brain damage than you already have...huh?" Remy felt a large hand on his shoulder and looked up. "Sabes?"
"Hey Cajun," Sabertooth smiled friendly at him while having a strange look in his eyes. "So, planning to sneak away tonight to serenade your Southern striped sweetheart?"
"Huh?" Remy blinked at the unexpected question.
"Hey, what'cha talking about?" Pyro asked turning off the sink.
"Firebug! Little buddy!" Sabertooth stepped forward and gave him a big bear hug.
"Aaaccckkk!" Pyro gasped as he felt himself being crushed. "Help...need air...can't breathe..."
"Whoops!" Sabertooth laughed and let him go. Pyro fell to the floor in a heap. "Sorry about that. You know how touchy-feely I can get."
"Huh?" Remy blinked again.
"Uh, are you feeling all right?" Piotr asked Sabertooth.
"Me? Of course I'm alright!" Sabertooth grinned. "Heck, I feel better than alright! I feel...I feel...gee, it's kinda hard to describe. I feel so soft and warm and...squishy inside!"
"Huh?" Remy looked stunned as Sabertooth began to giggle madly to himself. "Okay, what the heck has gotten into him?"
"Did you give him catnip again?" Piotr asked.
"No," Remy shook his head. "Even if I did it wouldn't explain his behavior. Sure, Sabes would laugh and giggle a bit, but he has never hugged anybody before."
"Hug? You wanna hug? Here ya go!" Sabertooth smiled and picked Remy up.
"NO! NO...AAAKKK!" Remy choked as Sabertooth clasped and shook him around. "AAAHHH! LET ME GO!"
"Isn't this nice?" Sabertooth signed as he began to waltz around with Remy. "Everybody should be hugged! Hugs are fun!"
"I do not understand," Piotr wisely kept his distance from Sabertooth less he be hugged next. "What could cause Sabertooth to be acting like...oh no." Piotr's eyes widened in realization. "Pyro..."
"What?" Pyro gasped as he finished recovering from his hug.
"Sabertooth only started acting strange after you sprayed him with your serum," Piotr told him slowly.
"Yeah? So?" Pyro picked himself up and then froze. "No. You don't mean...?"
"Yes, I do," Piotr sighed in resignation.
"Really?" Pyro blinked before breaking into a smile. "Then that means...yes! I did it! Whoo-hoo!"
"Help me!" Remy wheezed as he was continually hugged against his will.
"Gee Gambit. You are so huggable," Sabertooth commented. "No wonder the gals are always fawning all over ya."
"Um, Sabertooth? I think Remy has been hugged enough," Piotr said carefully. "You should hug the refrigerator. It has not been hugged yet."
"Good idea!" Sabertooth dropped Remy and followed Piotr's suggestion. "Refrigerators are so underappreciated. They never get enough hugs."
"Gahhhhhh!" Remy gasped as he greedily gulped in air. "Will somebody please tell me what the heck is going on here? Why is Sabes acting so weird?"
"Um," Piotr began. "Well, it seems that Pyro succeeded in making his serum. It just does not cause the reaction he intended it to."
"Huh?" Remy blinked and looked at Piotr in shock. "You can't be saying what I think you're saying. There's no way Pyro could cook up some behavior or hormone enhancing formula!"
"Actually, it just seems to make you happy," Piotr gestured at Sabertooth who was fiercely hugging the refrigerator. "And very affectionate."
"Forget it. There's gotta be a more logical explanation than that," Remy said. "Sabes must've eaten something weird before he came in here. Or he's playing a joke and just messing with us. Or he's being telepathically controlled by another mutant close by."
"You really believe that?" Piotr gave him a look.
"More than I believe Pyro actually succeeded in making a behavior altering serum!" Remy snapped.
"Oh yeah? Well maybe you'd like to feel all squishy and happy too!" Pyro put the lid back on his spray bottle and sprayed Remy with it.
"Aaahhh!" Remy spat and wiped at his face.
"That's it Gambit. Breathe in the serum," Pyro chanted maniacally. "Then you'll be happy and hugging appliances too!"
"You're right Pyro. I do feel happy," Remy blinked and gazed at him. "Wait, no I don't. Maybe I will after I do this." Remy then reached out and whacked Pyro on the head.
"Ow!" Pyro yelped.
"Nope. Still don't feel happy," Remy glared at him. "Let me try again!"
"Okay, that is enough," Piotr stepped between them and helped Remy up. "I guess Pyro's serum is not responsible for Sabertooth's behavior. But I thought for sure it was."
"Maybe it only works on certain mutants," Pyro thought. "Like hairy and feral types. Yeah, that's it!"
"Look, just forget about your stupid serum or formula or whatever!" Remy snapped. "Let's just focus on how we're gonna deal with Sabes' behavior."
CRUNCH!
"Before it ends up dooming us all," Remy sighed as the Sabertooth accidentally crushed the refrigerator with a hug.
"Oops!" Sabertooth looked down at the virtually decapitated refrigerator. "Sorry! I didn't mean it. Guess I should stick to hugging things that can't be broken." Sabertooth shrugged and turned toward his teammates. "Russian! You haven't been hugged yet! Come here!"
"NO!" Piotr shouted and backed up. "No! It is alright! I do no need to be hugged!"
"Sure you do! Everyone needs a hug! Even me!" Sabertooth sighed and seemed to shrink a bit. "I never get hugged. No one wants to be around me. It makes me feel so lonely."
"Gee, what a shock," Remy muttered.
Sabertooth was too caught up in his own feelings to notice. "That's really what I am inside. Not big or mean or scary. Just lonely. Lonely, lonely, lonely. I need someone to like. Someone to care for. Someone to love!"
"I see," Piotr said carefully.
"Hey, don't worry Sabes. You don't need to feel all lonely," Pyro smiled at him. "You have us!"
Sabertooth blinked for a second then immediately broke out into tears. "Uh, maybe you should rephrase that," Piotr suggested.
"No, ya think?" Remy rolled his eyes as Sabertooth cried.
"Come on Sabes. Don't feel that way," Pyro tried again. "Stop bawling like a bandicoot and let's do something fun. We can play a game."
"A game?" Sabertooth looked up. "Yay! I love games!" He ran up and gave Pyro another bone-crushing hug. "Thanks little buddy!"
"Aaaccckkk!" Pyro gasped. "Sabes...you're...breaking...my...spine..."
"Whoops! Sorry!" Sabertooth dropped Pyro once again. "I'm just so excited about playing a game. A game! Yay!" He began skipping around the room.
"Oooh, I think I liked him better when he was all moody and grumpy," Pyro moaned.
"You're not the only one," Remy quipped. "Well, have fun playing your little game with Sabes. I'm outta here."
"Hey wait! You can't leave!" Pyro protested. "You have to stay and play too!"
"Forget it. I'm not getting involved in this," Remy waved him off.
"But we have to watch him and keep him busy until whatever is affecting him wears off," Piotr pointed out. "Otherwise he could wander around the base causing trouble."
"Not my problem," Remy said. "We try doing that with Pyro and his craziness still hasn't worn off."
"Hey!" Sabertooth chirped. "Let's find a nice pond with ducks so we can feed them breadcrumbs, pick flowers and go frolicking in the bulrushes!"
"But if Sabertooth makes a mess and Magneto finds out he will discover something is affecting him," Piotr continued.
"Yeah, and who do you think Mags will blame for that?" Pyro asked. "Us!"
"Us?" Remy shot him a look. "He'll blame you!"
"Why would he blame me?" Pyro asked innocently. "Unless you think it's my serum that is causing Sabes to act this way."
"Yes, that's exactly what I..." Remy stopped himself and glared at Pyro. "Fine! I'll stay. But don't expect me to join in."
"Ha!" Pyro grinned in triumph.
"Yeah, yeah," Remy sighed. "Great. Stuck babysitting an overly amorous Sabertooth. This is really how I wanted to spend my day."
"It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood! A beautiful day for a neighbor! Would you be mine? Could you be mine?" Sabertooth sang cheerfully while skipping around the kitchen.
The Acolytes looked at each other. "Are you sure you don't want to have Mags find out about Sabes instead of dealing with him ourselves?" Remy asked.
"Ah, come on Gambit," Pyro encouraged. "How bad could it be?"
"'How bad could it be', he says," Remy groaned as he lay in the infirmary. He had a large bruise on his forehead and his knee was starting to swell. "I'll show that nutcase how bad it can be after I get a hold of him!"
"Ah, you are awake," Piotr walked in and noticed Remy's condition. "Here, I filled an icepack for you."
"Thanks mon amis," Remy sighed and placed it on his knee. "Ooo, I knew I should have quit after being run over in the stupid one-legged bean bag race!"
"Well you did almost win," Piotr reminded him. "And you said that compared to it the next activity sounded pretty tame."
"That was before I was whacked in the head and knocked out!" Remy shouted pointing to his forehead. "I nearly had my head taken off!"
"You were not the only one," Piotr indicated his own bruise blooming around his temple. "Though I have to admit, I did not expect Sabertooth to be that good a clog dancer."
"Yeah, well at least that's one good thing that came out of this," Remy admitted. "We'll be able to blackmail him for weeks once he gets back to normal. If he gets back to normal. What's the friendly furball up to now?"
"Pyro is in the recreation room with him watch TV," Piotr said.
"What?" Remy shot up. "You left him all alone with Pyro?"
"Well I did tie Sabertooth up with two rolls of duct tape and a length of steel cable before I left," Piotr told him. "I was not hit in the head that hard. And Pyro is also pretty worn out."
"Oh. Okay, sorry," Remy apologized. "But you did have me worried there for a second."
"Do not worry. Things should be quiet for a while," Piotr said.
CRASH!
"You were saying?" Remy quipped.
"Uh oh," Piotr gulped. "That did not sound good." The two Acolytes immediately ran out of the infirmary, Piotr helping support Remy due to his knee.
"Please tell me Sabes isn't trying to act out some weird opera again," Remy groaned. "I'm still finding pieces of shattered glass in the chair cushions and...whoa!" Remy blinked at the mostly wrecked recreation room which was decorated with shredded duct tape remains. "Oh great. Sabes is loose!"
"Pyro?" Piotr knelt down and freed Pyro from where he lay sprawled under what remained of the couch. "Pyro are you alright?"
"Ooo," Pyro moaned and blinked somewhat dizzily. "Did anyone get the name of that fire truck?"
"Pyro what happened?" Remy asked urgently. "Where's Sabes?"
"Huh? Oh, it was weird," Pyro recalled. "One minnie Sabes and I were calmly watching a movie and the next he goes absolutely bonkers! Starts tearing at his bonds and shouting about yearning for his soul mate."
"What?" Remy blinked. "Sabes ranting about a soul mate? What the heck were you watching? Some kind of romantic chick flick?"
"Na. We were watching silly action movies," Pyro tried to clear his head. "Sabes went nuts while we were in the middle of Catlady."
"Catlady? You mean the one starring that femme that looks like the X-Men's weather witch?" Remy asked.
"Yeah, that one," Pyro blinked. "Oh no. You don't think..."
"I do think, but obviously you don't," Remy snapped.
"What? What are you talking about?" Piotr asked, having never seen the said movie. "Do you know where Sabertooth went?"
"Oh yeah, we know where he went," Remy groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Or more specifically who he went to."
"Are you sure Sabertooth would come here?" Piotr asked as the three Acolytes approached the X-Mansion.
"What do you think?" Remy indicated the wrecked gate that had clearly been torn off its hinges.
"Oh my," Piotr blinked at the destroyed lasers and other security defenses that littered the front lawn.
"Come on. Let's find the big furball before the X-Kids come back and force us to fight our way out of here," Remy said as they headed up the driveway. "At least Sabes came over in the middle of a school day."
"Wow, he sure did a number on this place," Pyro blinked at the ruined foyer. The French doors had been shattered and a chandelier lay in pieces across the shredded remains of the stairs. "So, where do you wanna look first?"
"OH STORMY!" Sabertooth's voice sang out.
"LEAVE ME ALONE YOU UNCOUTH BARBARIAN!" Ororo was heard shouting along with several sounds of lightning.
"This way sounds good," Remy said as the Acolytes rushed down a heavily scorched hallway. They reached a set of clawed doors and easily kicked them in.
Ororo was hovering on one side of the X-Men's living room while shooting lightning at Sabertooth. Sabertooth tried to pursue her, but kept getting blasted with lightning and occasionally tackled by Logan and Hank. Unfortunately for the two X-Men, Sabertooth was quite motivated and was able to easily extract himself from their grasps before tossing them aside. "Storm! Lovey! We're both noble predators! Let's let our hair down and cuddle with each other!"
"I do not think so!" Ororo shouted as she blasted him again. "Begone!"
"Ah, your lightning bolts are like lovetaps from Cupid's bow," Sabertooth purred. "Taps that send a shock to my heart and make it go thumpity-thump!"
"While I am impressed by your eloquent articulations you really need to leave the lady alone!" Hank shouted putting Sabertooth in a headlock.
"But I can't help it Stormy! And I know you are attracted to me too!" Sabertooth bellowed breaking Hank's hold and knocking him back. "I can smell your pheromones! You like manly, feral men! And I'm as manly and feral as they get! Don't deny your feelings!"
"I don't know what's gotten into you Creed, but this time you've gone too far!" Logan roared and leapt to skewer him.
Sabertooth avoided Logan's claws and threw him into a wall. "There is no distance that can separate two people who are bound to be together!"
"Wow. I didn't know Sabes could be this expressive," Remy blinked at Sabertooth's performance.
"I'll say," Pyro noted. "He comes up with better lines than you do."
"WHAT?" Remy shouted. "HE DOES NOT!"
"Oh great! The rest of Magneto's stooges are here!" Logan noticed the Acolytes. "I'll take care of 'em!"
"Whoa, stand down there homme. We're not here to fight," Remy help up his hands. "Actually, we're here to collect the deluded furball and take him back with us."
"Yeah," Pyro chimed in. "Besides, you bloody lot couldn't handle the rest of us anyway."
"Wanna bet?" Logan growled and prepared his claws.
"Uh, Wolverine? Considering the circumstances we might just want to take their word for it," Hank came up and placed a hand on Logan's shoulder. "If they want to go and fight their own teammate it would save us a lot of trouble."
"Fine!" Logan backed down. "But they'd better hurry up!" He turned and leapt back into the fight against Sabertooth. "I'm coming Storm!"
"So," Hank addressed the three Acolytes as the rest of the mutants fought in the background. "Is there any particular reason why Sabertooth is acting so uncharacteristically amorous and trying to woo our resident lady?"
"Uh, that's kind of a long story," Remy said quickly before Pyro could speak up. "And you probably wouldn't believe it anyway. Let's just say some unfamiliar agent is affecting him and causing him to act irrationally. He's also causing damage everywhere he goes."
"No kidding," Hank sighed. "Usually our defenses are more than capable of detecting and handling any intruders who try to come around here."
"Of course they are," Remy kept a straight face while subtly nudging Pyro to keep quiet.
"And Sabertooth is even more resolute than usual," Hank commented. "Though he is putting more effort in addressing Storm than fighting any of us." Sabertooth chose that moment to hurl Logan across the room and imbed him halfway into a wall.
SMASH!
"I see," Pyro blinked as he stood up, having been forced to duck. Logan swore and tried to free himself. "Why doesn't old Baldy just use some brain whammy of his to knock Sabes out?"
"Because Mr. Creed gave Charles a slight concussion a few seconds after he arrived," Hank pointed to a corner.
"Ooo," Xavier blinked as he lay slumped on his back in his tipped-over wheelchair. "Look at all the pretty rainbows."
"Figures," Remy sighed. "Colossus..."
"Right," Piotr armored up and carefully approached Sabertooth while avoiding being hit by Ororo. "Sabertooth? I can help you reach her. Stand still a moment and I will throw you."
"Really? Okay!" Sabertooth grinned and stopped moving. "I knew you'd come and help me out Colossus," Sabertooth said right before Piotr knocked him out.
"Well that was easy," Pyro grinned as Piotr slung Sabertooth over his shoulder. "Wanna me to help clean up by burning all the wrecked stuff?"
"NO!" Remy, Piotr and Hank shouted at him.
"Awww," Pyro pouted.
Ororo flew down and looked at the Acolytes warily. "Your assistance in helping subdue Sabertooth is appreciated." She gave them a funny look. "Thank you. I think."
"No problem," Remy gave her a wink. "Maybe we could come over again sometime and meet your other femmes."
"Don't even think about it, bub!" Logan growled walking up to them.
"I might comply if you were a telepath instead of a psychopath," Remy smirked as Logan was held back. "Come on, let's get outta here."
"Okay," Pyro waved as the Acolytes turned to leave.
"It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood. A neighborly day for a beauty. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?" Sabertooth warbled as he was carried away.
"What the?" Logan blinked and stared at him.
"Don't ask," Remy said noticing Logan's reaction as he left.
"Well this has been a fun day," Pyro chirped as the Acolytes headed away from the X-Mansion. "We got to play with Sabes and watch him mess with the X-Men. Too bad we couldn't catch the last bit on tape."
"But we did," Remy smirked knowingly. "Or at least the X-Men did. Their security systems were activated so their security cameras probably recorded everything. At since we have the entire place tapped..."
"We can get their footage!" Pyro realized. "That's great! Hahahahaha! I can't wait to see Sabes take Xavier out!"
"And watch Sabes' reaction when he hears how amorous he sounded and threaten to ruin his reputation," Remy grinned. "We'll be able to use that for months!"
"That will only work if Sabertooth returns back to normal," Piotr warned as he continued to carry Sabertooth. "Which will hopefully happen by the time he wakes up."
"Good point," Pyro agreed. "But from now on whenever he gets too gloomy we can spray him with my serum and make him happy again!"
"For the last time Pyro, you're so-called serum was not responsible for making Sabertooth happy!" Remy snapped.
"Yes it was!" Pyro insisted. "I'll prove it when we get back to the base and spray Sabes again and...hey, my serum's gone! I must've dropped the spray bottle somewhere."
"Leave it. We're not gonna stop and search for your worthless serum," Remy said. "Give it enough time and it'll probably explode on its own."
"Thank goodness. At least we will not have to worry about that mess again," Piotr sighed.
"Well, there's only one thing to do," Pyro shrugged. "Head back to the base and try to recreate the formula! Good thing I only set half of the extra ingredients on fire. I think I can remember everything I used. Maybe..."
"Oh no," Remy groaned. "Not again! Pyro playing around with chemicals. What could be worse than that?"
Meanwhile, back at the X-Mansion...
"Charles is going to be just fine," Hank reported. "At worse he only has a slight concussion. I'll check in on him in an hour to see if he has woken up."
"Great," Logan nodded. "We should be able to clean up most of this mess by then...huh?" He bent down and picked up a spray bottle. "Where did this come from?"
"It's probably a cleaning agent of some kind," Hank said. "The bathroom did get hit pretty hard. The bottle's label must have fallen off when everything got thrown around. We can use it to help polish things up in here."
"Are you sure?" Logan asked eyeing the bottle. "It's got that red-headed kid's scent on it. And it smells kind of weird."
"Trust me Logan. It should be fine," Hank smiled as he began to clean up. "Besides, what harm could it do?"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evoluton or the song, "Won't You Be My Neighbor".