Rule The World, Again?
Disclaimer: Seriously, if I owned Harry Potter and co., I won't know where to stash it. Wonder how J.K. Rowling does it… (Makes mental note to ask her…) Part of the fic comes from "The Emperor's New Groove" which also, doesn't belong to me. I claim nothing.
Lord Voldemort was pacing in this lair. He was angry, furious to exact.
"Potter didn't die! How could he not? The ABC Plan was foolproof!" he boomed.
The Death Eaters would have all rolled their eyes if the Death Eater Rule Number Two Hundred and Nine (Death Eaters never roll their eyes; it takes away all the macho-ness.) didn't exist. Instead, they just nodded accordingly.
"We need a plan! A plan that would kill Potter immediately. A plan that would not fail," Voldemort glared at Peter Pettigrew at this word, "Suggestions!"
"My Lord," Bellatrix began, "why don't we set a bomb on Potter and his crew? A nuclear bomb would take care of them…"
"Nuclear bombs are for muggles! Crucio!"
The Death Eaters would have felt sorry for Bellatrix, I emphasize on they would have… Instead, they did their trademarked Death Eater Smirk.
"A-ha! I have an idea!" Voldemort said, stopping halfway in his pace and facing his Death Eaters. "It's so easy! We should have though of it long ago!"
"First, I'll transfigure Potter into a flea. Then I'll put the flea into a box and put the box in another box. Next, I'll secure it with a black ribbon and add a note (To Voldemort, from Voldemort) on the box and then I'll owl mail it to myself. Finally…" Voldemort paused dramatically. The death eaters waited in anticipation.
"SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!" Then he started laughing evilly, imagining that Potter was dead.
The Death Eaters almost had their mouths hanging (Rule Number Three Hundred and Fifteen), but optioned for clapping silently.
"My Lord," Peter Pettigrew squeaked, "why do you need to owl mail the box with Potter as the flea in it to yourself if you already have it in the first place?"
"Are you contradicting me?" Voldemort said, eerily clam.
"No, my Lord--" Voldemort cut him off almost immediately.
"Avada kedavra! Anymore questions?"
All the Death Eaters just shook their heads fearfully.
"Potter, come here!" Voldemort said to Harry.
Harry sighed and shook his head. "Voldy, haven't you had enough? The ABCs didn't work on me, what tricks do you have up your sleeves now?"
Voldemort took the chance to transfigure Harry into a flea. It worked, except…
The flea was ten times larger than a normal flea was supposed to be, and it talked too.
"I think you should work on your transfiguration, they suck." Harry as a flea said.
Voldemort stared at the oversized flea for a moment before shrugging. "Well, we'll just have to use bigger boxes!"
He then apparated back to his lair, where all the other death eaters were waiting. "We need bigger boxes!" was the first thing he said.
Well, the death eaters did as they were told and found the large boxes. Voldemort was pleased that his plan was finally going to work.
He set Harry as a flea into box number one and put box number one into box number two. He then sat on the floor and started gift-wrapping the box. The death eaters nearby could hear Voldemort humming "Feliz Navidad".
Voldemort was squealing with girlish delight as he added final touches (the big red ribbon) to his 'present'. To the 'present', he attached a card too.
To Lord Voldemort,
The most amazingly handsome, charming, attractive, brilliant ruler of the world.
From Lord Voldemort.
"Lucius, get me my owl!" Lucius Malfoy was pretty skeptical of the whole idea, but did as he was told to refrain from being "Avada'd".
Voldemort rubbed his hands together as he attached the parcel onto his owl.
Finally, finally I'll get to kill Potter and rule the world!
Voldemort gave orders to his owl to fly around his lair for a little moment before turning back.
After a few minutes of waiting, the owl was back. Voldemort was in position with his hammer in his hand. He cackled evilly.
"Finally, I shall rule the world!"
SMASH!
"WHY IS THE BLOODY HAMMER SO SMALL?!"
For all of you who didn't get the story, Voldemort had a box that was sooooooo big, and a hammer that was sooooooo small, that it resulted in nothing. Meaning that his "brilliant" plan had failed again!
A/N: Well, I got a few mails asking for a Voldemort humor fic just like "Rule The World", and I thought, why not? I had fun writing it and hope you had fun reading it too! Review please!