I would like to thank sincerely those who review in advance. :-)
A notice: To all EC phans, I'm perfectly aware that EC stands for Erik x Christine, but for the purposes of what I'm doing, I'll have to :snicker : "reinterpret" its meaning. Erik is no version of Erik in particular, so he can be whoever--Leroux, Kay, etc.
(Just so long as he isn't Julian Sands. He didn't even have a deformity--and he's sexually obsessed with sewer rats! EEEWWW!)
The point of this phic is to make fun of ALL the possible Erik pairings: EC :screw the theme , Erik x Meg :FLUFFY , x Mme. Giry :Oedipus complex much::,Erik other woman :I'm flattered, but- , and even pause for dramatic effect : SLASH. :GASP::
I'll try to make fun of everyone equally. All pairings all equal, but some are more equal than others. XD
And on with the show!
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Erik x WHO?
Chapter 1: The First and Last Ever Miss Erik the Phantom Competition!
In Which There are Crappy Insults and EC Phans Attempt to Kill Me
--
As Christine rode off into the distance with her lover, the Vicomte Raoul de Chagny (ooh look, I can spell cause I'm in AP french), Erik sat there, unwavering, not even flinching. Where was he to go? What would happen now that his precious angel had forsaken him?
Erik: This is the worst birthday I've ever had!
Suddenly, he heard a voice coming from the...gaping plot hole?
Indeed, as if time had stopped or a plane had broken the sound barrier, a deep gash in the plotline ripped open and in dropped a young woman not much older than Meg Giry or Christine, though her expression was one of genius--or insanity. Erik's first thought was to reach for the punjab lasso, but he was too shocked at her obviously AU appearance. It was triggering an emotion he'd never felt before: OOC.
Erik: Who the hell are you?
B-B: I'm the authoress, beata-beatrix.
Erik: Authoress? You're some sort of writer?
B-B: Yes... :cough :in a manner of speaking. I've come here to set up the end of this dark tale so that you'll be happiest!
That did it. Erik hated when people made stupid assumptions like that. He'd have to correct her.
Erik: Alas, nothing can make me happy now that Christine has shown her love will never lay in me.
B-B: The phans disagree. Apparently, they have several different ideas as to who will make you happy.
Erik: That's ridiculous! No other person on this Earth could love a monster like me with more than pity!
B-B: Well, what about Meg or her mother?
Silence and the dread crickets of doom.
Erik: Excuse me?
B-B: Apparently people think Madame Giry and you could be an item!
Erik::WTF...and a bit more of that OOC thing.. :
There is a long, dramatic pause before he continues..
Erik: And what do you think?
B-B: You see, I don't really know what would make you the happiest, so I'm here to test all of the pairings and see which works best.
Erik: And just how the hell do you propose we do that?
B-B::smiles : I'm glad you asked!
An immense set of stagelights begins to rise as the jeopardy thememusic plays loudly in the background. The stagelights magically transform Erik's Lair (with the power of crappy CGI effects) into a stage that looks like it could have come straight from the Miss Teen Opera Pageant. Erik stares at this effect for some time with both fury (as she has completely revamped HIS lair) and awe (over the crappy CGI).
Erik: If they EVER use that kind of transition effect in a movie about me, I'd PUNJAB them.
Joel and Andy::flee :giggle :flee :
B-B: Yes, well...Weeeeelcome to the 1st-and last-ever MISS ERIK THE PHANTOM COMPETITION!
Love and Marriage begins to play in the background.
Erik: Is that REALLY necessary?
Sorry. Switching back to Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky. Happy?
Erik: Better. So this is some sort of drug-induced talent competition?
B-B: Sugar-induced, and YES! Now to introduce our panel of judges!
:BASS : Drum Roll...
B-B: Messieurs Richard et Moncharmin!
ALW Phans: Hm? Where's Andre and Firmin?
B-B::hands them the book by Gaston Leroux : Sigh...
Richard: My dear Armand, where the devil are we?
Moncharmin: I don't don't know, Firmin, but it would appear to have something to do with that non-existant Opera Ghost of ours..
Erik taps them on the shoulders.
Erik: BOO.
R & M: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH::pansy :
B-B::cough : AHEM! The backstreet boy who really IS larger than life--Piangi Ubaldo!
Piangi: Do zshe jugeez getta orderves?
B-B::points to three large beefsteaks on judges' table :
Piangi::graphic eating action :
Erik: Just wonderful.
After throwing up several times at his graphic consumption, Beatrix continues..
B-B: And last--and I assure you totally least--VICOMTE RAOUL DE CHAGNY!
Raoul enters, dressed to the nines, his long, girly hair cascading about his shoulders as he bathes in the light from the overhead stage lamps.
Raoul: This really does nothing for my combination skin, you know.. :plays with his hair :Perhaps you could install some kind of cooling system?
Erik: WHAT::grasping lasso : WHAT THE HELL?
B-B: Most phans have noticed you and Raoul have similar taste in women, so he'll make a good addition. And if he doesn't you can punjab him.
Raoul::gawk : B..bu..but you're an RC shipper, BB!
B-B: That doesn't mean I like you, fop! (And it's B-B, I'm not from a George Orwell novel..)
Raoul: That's based on movie and musical continuity! I am NOT a fop!
B-B: Oh, really? Gaston?
Gaston Leroux:
"The shyness of the sailor-lad--I was almost saying his innocence-- was remarkable. He seemed to have but just left the women's apron-strings. As a matter of fact, petted as he was by his two sisters and his old aunt, he had retained from this purely feminine education manners that were almost candid and stamped with a charm that nothing had yet been able to sully. He was a little over twenty-one years of age and looked eighteen. He had a small, fair mustache, beautiful blue eyes and a complexion like a girl's. Philippe spoiled Raoul."
Raoul: I hate you..
Erik: I love you!
EOW phans: YEAH!
Erik: But not like that..
EOW phans: Oh, snap!
B-B: Yes,well, let's meet our contestants shall we?
"Here She Is.." plays in the background as the stage lights up.
B-B: From the EC pairing--wait, what? E...C? That doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean, it can't be Christine, because she already made her choice..
Raoul: Plus she's pregnant with my child, Raoul Jr.!
Erik::hands over ears : MARY had a LITTLE LAMB!
B-B: Well, who else in the---
Leroux phans: Academie Nationale de la Musique!
Kay phans: Opera Garnier!
ALW phans: Opera Populaire!
B-B: ---has a name that begins with C?
The silent crickets of doom give us an encore performance.
Moncharmin:...umm...Carlotta?
Erik: WHHHAAAAATTT::urge to Punjab rising :
B-B: Well then, our first contestant is Senora Carlotta Guidicelli!
EC phans: No, C stands for :are drowned out by second round of Here she is !
Carlotta appears on stage in the pinkest outfit imaginable. Pink mink, pink bustle, pink leather gloves...Just pink.. She looks like a huge pink poodle (This is basically Minnie Driver Carlotta).
Carlotta::looks at judges : Ils m'aiment-ah.. :points at each one :il m'aime-ah, il m'aime-ah..
Erik: Yeah, bien sûr je t'aime...faire du mal!
B-B: Thank you for participating, Senora. Now, please tell us a little bit about yourself.
Carlotta: Maia naim ees Carlotta Guidicelli, eh ah fwas born-a een Madreed fwhere maia momma tawt-a mi to a-singah!
Erik::cough : poorly :cough :.
Carlotta: And ah ATE im::points-ah at Erik :
Erik: I "ate" you too.
Piangi: Who ate what::eats more :
B-B: Okay, then... Our next contestant is the lovely Marguerite Giry!
Meg walks on stage wearing her angel costume for the Faust production. This catches Erik's attention. Her long black hair is pulled back in a white ribbon and her green eyes seem to pierce through the very air (totally Leroux Meg, but Jennifer Ellison did a good Meg too). Her graceful stance is indicative of the many years she has spent in the ballet corps. She wears her ballet slippers. Suddenly, she utters an expletive.
Meg: SHIT!
Erik::snaps out of it : Oh..it's good ole Meg.
Meg::takes off toe shoes and hurls tham at ALW and Joel : I do NOT wear these offstage! They REALLY hurt to walk in normally!
ALW and Joel run away in fear as she strecthes her toes and puts on strappy leather high-heel sandals.
Meg: Now that's more like it... :turns around and notices her surroundings : Where am I?
She looks around at everyone and then sees Erik. She stops dead in her tracks.
Meg: Squ...squ..sque...
B-B: Um, Meg, are you okay?
Meg: SQUUEEEEEEEE!
The dread crickets of doom are metaphorically on fire.
Erik: ...huh?
Meg: Ohmigod, it's Erik::phangirl :
Erik: Yes, Meg, it's me---WOAH! How do you know my name?
Meg::slinking seductively toward Erik : Oh, I know all about you, Erik :bites her hair seductively :...
Erik: Gee, Meg, that's really..uh..
Meg: Can I touch it?
Erik: What!
Meg: Your cape!
Erik: Uh...sure...
Meg begins to massage Erik's back, letting the material of oh-so-sexy cape caress her. Erik seems to be digging it.
Meg::whisper : How does that make you feel, Erik?
Erik: Mmm...lower..
Meg::lowers voice : How does that make you feel, Erik?
Erik::not even listening : Right there, no...a little to the left..
Suddenly, a dark and powerful voice booms from the side of the stage..
B-B: MEG! No matter how much shipping I've done, you've no right to try to get ahead before we introduce the other contestants!
Meg: I don't want to get ahead, just some.
B-B::dragging Meg to the contestant booth : Sit there, and think unphangirl thoughts.
Meg::pouts : Fine. :thinks : Raoul is hot..raoul is smart..raoul is nice..i want raoul (to give back my lipstick)...Goddamn bitch, I will have revenge..erik is our master..erik is our lord...
B-B: Our next contestant is the hostess with the mostest--Madame Antoinette Giry!
Madame Giry walks on stage and taps her cane to get attention. EVERYONE is completely and utterly confused.
Richard: Well, I guess he likes to keep it in the family..
Meg::gawk :
Moncharmin: Worked much on the opera's newest production of Oedipus?
Meg::raspy :M..m..mother?
M.Giry: Allo. I am Madame Giry, und I must say dat zis ees vairy awkvard four mee.I ahm eer to tell you zat I zink mah pairing eest stupeed.
Everyone, except Meg, who is having a seizure: We concur.
Raoul walks over to Meg.
Raoul: I wonder what would happen if I stuck my hand in her--OOOOOOOWWWW!
Meg has bitten down on Raoul's hand and blood is spewing everywhere. It's kinda funny...If you're a sick sadistic bitch like me.
Raoul::prying his hand out : PPPPPHHHILLLIPPPEEEEE! She bit me, Phillippe:: a la I love Lucy : WAAAHH!
Raoul proceeds to run around the lair, flailing his arms and screaming like a baby, and finally ducks his hand into the punch boll for the judges.
Judges: Ewww...
Erik: As much as I have used metaphors about tasting his blood...I won't be having punch.
Raoul: Aaa.aa...aahhhhh...owwie..
B-B: New rule If a contestant is having a seizure, no one is allowed to stick body parts in his/her mouth.
Meg wakes up light lightning.
Meg:What! Erik wants to stick his body part in my mouth!
Erik::defensively : No, I don't! I never said that! Define "in"!
B-B:: slaps Meg : GOD! I knew this would be fluffy, but you're a freaking phanbunny!
B-B walks her back to her chair and fastens her into it.
B-B: Stay there, and try to think unfluffy thoughts.
Meg: Like Piangi x Raoul?
B-B: Excuse me... :vomits :
Makers of the Claude Rains version: Hmm...Raoul and the lead baritone? Interesting...
B-B: Madame Giry, please continue your introduction...
M.Giry: Szank you. I am Antoinette Giry, und I am ze ostess four box nawmbeer fahv. Und in ze ALW veersion, I ahm ze ead of ze ballet. Speaking of your box, Ereek, ven vill you be oosing it again?
Erik: "Vy" do you ask?
M.Giry: Vell, I left you dis gourmet dinner zere zree nights ago, und I'm afreed it's rotteeng.
Erik: You left rotting food in my box? Well, damn, woman! Get it cleaned. I pay you well enough don't I? 2000 kilos on the head of a concierge ring any bells?
Piangi: Zere est rotting food een box-a numbah five-a?
M. Giry: Yees.
Piangi: Hmmm...Rotting foood...hmmm :drools a la Homer Simpson :
Piangi runs away to get the food. The dread crickets of doom now have their own phanbase...
B-B: Okay..
Erik: As soon as he's done, I'm burning and reconstructing that box.
B-B: In the meantime, I'll have to replace him...I know!
B-B runs backstage and reappears dragging the Persian behind her. He looks very afraid.
Raoul: oooh..the hand at-the-level-of-you-eyes guy!
Erik: Oh, hello there TRAITOR.
Nadir: Hello to you too, Erik...Hello phangirls.
Leroux phans: OMG ITS THE PERSiAN
Kay phans: OMG ITS NADIR!
ALW phans: Huh?
B-B: You have to READ it.
ALW phans: Oh... :actually open the book :
Nadir sits down in Piangi's old seat, stands back up, cleans the small bits of food and three turkey legs out of it, then just decides to get a random box to sit on. B-B constructs run-on sentences to rival Faulkner.
Nadir::sits crosslegged on the fancy treasure box : Okay, I am ready.
B-B: We're having a contest to judge the best x Erik pairing. The contestants so far are Carlotta, Meg, and Madame Giry.
Nadir: Wow... :looks at Erik : You sure get around.
Erik: What have I told you about being smart, Nadir?
Nadir:...That you'll lock me in the coffin?
Erik::nods condescendingly : That's right.
Nadir::shuts up :
B-B: Welll, since those are the only pairings within the story, I guess...Wait, what's this I read?
Reads: EOW--Erik x Other Woman, usually a mary-sued form of the authoress.
Erik: The authoress?
B-B: Authoress.. : a la Jafar : Why, that would be...Me!
Richard: But you're so..weird...
B-B::in Richard's face : Erik WILL marry me :echoes :
Dread crickets of doom
B-B: Sorry, I just had a completely out-of-POTO experience. Well, we can deal with that when it comes up. On to the talent competition!
The contestants eye each other suspiciously. Raoul blows on his newly painted fingernails. Nadir maintains a safe distance from Erik. Meg flashes her garters at Erik as she goes backstage. Erik contemplates homi/suicide. B-B is watching you.
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Authoress' notes:
I know there are more pairings, and believe me, they are coming. Please review, because sometimes that gives me ideas. :-)
Now I have to type up a ten-page paper on 1984 by George Orwell. In case you hadn't noticed.
Conventions established:
EC: Completely disregards reversal of Leroux's theme/intended purpose.
EM: Fluffy beyond your wildest dreams.
EOW: Erik will MARRY :sue: me!
EM.Giry: Greek tragedy vaiting to 'appen. Erik has a mother complex.
Raoul: Is a FOP, whether you read the book or not.
Piangi: Has an eating problem.
Nadir: EXISTS.
Adieu!
PS- I am using a specific version of Erik, so we'll have a guessing chapter amongst the other characters. And the slash phic writers and will get theirs, don't you worry!
Kay phans: During the course of the next few chapters, you will probably hurt me for associating you with medicinal marijuana addicts. Sorry.