Title
Weeping Willow
Chapter 1
By
Adrienne Black
He had always said I was like a Willow. At first I asked him curiously if he meant a Weeping Willow. No, he said, just a Willow 'cause you never cry.
I never cried, I wanted to, dreamed to, but I feared to. Because, if I cry I might never hear his words again, and if that had happened, I might not remember them now. Those words floating, tormenting, through my head. I could still hear his voice in them, which was what tormented me.
"You're like a Willow, Moony." He smiled brightly, his appearance was a fortune better than the last time I had seen him. His teeth were white; his hair shone and was shorter. Still long, but shorter. He had colour in his skin but still the effects from that prison were there aging him beyond his natural age. He wore a simple sweater and slacks, following my advice on how he had always looked nicer like that.
"Not this again, I thought I got away from this after we graduated." I sighed. It was the night after a full moon and it had been one of the worse ones yet. I ached everywhere you could picture an ache being. I was one giant bruise.
"Oh, bollocks, Remus. You know you like it." He chuckled, sitting in one of the plush, moth eaten chairs in the ancient Black living area. The fire roared in the hearth and filled the room with a warm and serenity it had never known until now. "But, you are. Throughout your whole time here, life has sent things to bend your patience, mind, will, and your body over all. But you never break. Never once."
I laughed and smiled appreciatively. With the condition I was in from last night, it hurt to laugh, but it was what I needed. Sirius always knew how to cheer me up. "Thanks, Sirius. But," I always had to argue in someway. "How would you know if I've never broken?" I didn't think I have, but I always wanted Sirius's insight on everything. It was always so much different than mine that I absorbed it all like a sponge.
"I've never seen you cry, Moony. You've almost died because of that monster inside you but you never cried out in pain, you never cried for anything." He said simply and quietly. His voice was always so calm; such deep soothing vocals that always made me feel at ease. Maybe that was why.
"I cried for Lily and James." I contradicted. I would have been heartless not to.
"Everybody cried for Lily and James. Are you to say all those people broke?" He asked.
"You did."
"But I knew they had been betrayed. My brother, his wife, my godson had been betrayed." Sirius said passionately with a hand holding his heart. "Of course I broke."
"Then what's the difference?" I asked curiously, "If you had broken and I only mourned, what's the difference?"
"Simple." He said with that twinkle in his warm grey eyes, "You'll know that you've broken."
"But that doesn't help me," I whined as if a child, "How?" I had to know. I always had to know everything.
"When you feel like you can't possibly live any longer that you just burst. Whether with hatred or tears. You'll know." I had always been the 'smart one', but, I think that was because nobody really knew quite how wise Sirius Black was. He was beyond his years in wisdom, even if he had lacked for maturity.
I understood what he meant, but I couldn't even fathom what could send me over the edge to that state. I had endured so much pain, so much loss, so much suffering. I didn't know what could possibly hurt me so much.
But I wasn't done, questions still bounced inside my skull. Like always. "Sirius?" I asked softly.
"Hmm?"
"What would happen to you if I died?" I asked carefully. Small things could upset his famous Black temper and I didn't want to cause one of them.
"I'd die." That was all he said. And I knew that I would remember this conversation as long as I lived.
I don't think I ever could conceive how much I would begin to wish I would be the first to go. I never really thought about it after that conversation, we were both so young that I didn't want to think about it. Sure there was a war going on…but I didn't think that anything like death would occur to us. Not with Sirius trapped in the house and me…well I didn't get to do much because all I did was talk with other werewolves.
I didn't expect him to get out of the house. I didn't expect him to go into the ministry. I didn't him to disappear.
His last words to me were: "Be careful Moony. I can't stand to lose you too…I'd miss you too much."
In a strange way…I think that was his way of telling me he loved me. He always had trouble with those three words for as long as I remember. That why I had given him a big hug, and assured him he'd see me again.
We never did see each other again and I think that's what tears me up the most. I left my promise broken. But our promise was the only thing broken, I was too.
Sirius had told me I would know, and I know now. This is what it feels like to break. Hopeless. Utterly hopeless, and the only thing I feel is hopelessness, helplessness, and unfathomable depression. I want to die because I don't think I could live. I don't think there is anything left for me to live for. Harry is my responsibility now, but as cynical as it sounds, he can't replace Sirius and everything I've lost.
He can't replace someone I loved that much.
I'm now a Weeping Willow, broken and alone.