BECAUSE INSANITY LIES WITHIN
Summary: Kanda Yu and Allen Walker are bitter enemies who can't wait to rip the other apart. Because insanity lies within the Black Order, people are too damn free - their friends decide to play cupids and hatches a few (ridiculously insane!) pranks on Kanda and Allen.
Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of these characters. I wish!
This story and plot were written with no regards to the ongoing manga.
I wrote in this in a...wacky mood. xD A tad ridiculous, but I've got a whole lot of ideas for this story.
CHAPTER 1: YUU KANDA IS…DRUNK!
Kanda Yu and Allen Walker are bitter, cold, hard enemies. Their personalities clashed horribly like a soap opera singer at a rock concert. One is a diehard I'm-the-best-exorcist-so-fuck-off. The other wears a happy smiling face with his dimples and all. Wave. Smile. More sparkly molars. A rainbow would glow brightly around this teen, radiating joy and vanquishing all darkness into oblivion.
Allen Walker was one of those optimistic kids with fervor for life. Kanda hated this…passion, this drive. He felt that it was adolescent on his part, and utterly naïve. Like a dying soldier fighting a losing battle and still telling everyone that all is well, and that the homeland will be restored to its former glory. Minutes later, the entire country is wiped out, filled with bloodied corpses who believed in that thin silver lining.
How naïve…and stupid...Then again, the Moyashi was, really (if you think about it), just a fifteen year old.
It was as though chirpy, singsong birds in those childish cartoon films were involved. All the animals would come dancing and a Prince comes riding in his trusty stead. Not to mention, a few glittery sparkles and fairy lights to add on to the picture perfect scene… Allen Walker comes drifting in like a princess. Pause. Life was NOT one five year old movie, nor was it cushioned with fluffy pillows. Life was harsh and bitter. You fight to survive, and vice versa. Perhaps, it was sadistic – and yet true enough; Kanda has always harbored pessimistic thoughts. For his entire life, he has battled these thoughts, these overwhelming emotions…
So, can we really blame poor Kanda for hating this I'm-a-happy-person teen?
"Stupid, Moyashi." Kanda thought spitefully as his eyes scrutinized the kid sitting at the table adjacent to his. The Moyashi was chatting merrily with Lenalee.
It has been (yes I have been counting, so screw you) the umpteen times Kanda repeated this crude sentence. It was not like he had a choice or was passive in saying so. It simply rolled off his tongue like cheese butter each time his eyes fell on the Moyashi. Perhaps it was pure habit on his part – as you know, habits die hard. Or the nickname had an underlying meaning…something in which no one understood. There had to be a reason for his name-calling – everything always has a reason to fill up the void.
And yet, many chose the latter and called it a secret declaration of love aka confession. Much to Kanda's disgust, the entire Black Order supported his…what do you call that? Secret love confession?
"Oh come on, Yu-chan." Lavi teased. "We're all for it!"
Lenalee giggled, agreeing as much.
"What are you, exactly, talking about?" Kanda growled, ridiculously annoyed by his tactics.
"You've got the entire building in chaos! Everyone's talking about your relationship with Moyashi-chan…if there really is any, of course." There were many nods of agreements.
"You can take all the fucking attention and shove it up your arse!" Kanda burst, pointing his Mugen at Lavi. "If I hear anymore of this ridiculous rumor, pray tell, I swear your life will be a short one."
Despite all his death threats (good lord, it was endless!), he had barely managed to silence these rumors. What the hell were they thinking? Kanda was very, very, VERY disturbed. The only fruitful effects were 1) The Black Order kept quiet and hushed down in his presence. 2) Lavi stopped prying into his love life (not that he had any). 3) Half the female population stopped sending him love letters (thinking he was already attached).
Kanda never knew how or why the idiots made such a rumor. He figured it was one of those silly tactics to spice up their monotonous life at the Black Order. Just giving them something to rattle about. He would merely shrug it off, assuming that those rumors would eventually die down…with a new hot topic for discussion. Unfortunately, his assumptions were proven wrong. He was so wrong, in fact. The buzz simply grew bigger, louder and…WORSE.
"I reckon that they're already in a relationship…but maybe they just want to keep it hushed down. If you know what I mean."
You see, Kanda may be prominent for his 'Mess with me, and I will kill you.' attitude. May they be damned; the people are terrified of his nature, of course. And yet, his fearsome character didn't extend to his…love life. It was probable, yes. But those damn idiots would not shut their mouths!
"It's so nice that you and Mister Walker are together!"
"SO HOT!"
"The hottest couple at the Black Order!"
"Ohh…how sweet!" the girls cooed in unison.
Kanda could hardly go on life as per usual without sending at least a hundred death threats per day. And the numbers kept increasing, mind you. They didn't care much about losing their lives under Mugen; instead they worshipped this newfound hot topic. He had people (fans, they call themselves) stalking him! Stalking. As in, really stalking, step-by-step, move-by-move, and place-by-place. Which was FAR worse than his fan club. Boy, was he annoyed.
Kanda never knew why the Moyashi wasn't affected by those rumors. Why, he seemed like the only one truly disturbed! Did the Moyashi care, at all? He sure looked like he didn't. Maybe he was too embarrassed to counter those rumors. But still, he could…something! Slash. Burn. Kill them. Anything!
Stupid Moyashi, making my life all miserable…I should just kill him and call it a day.
Oh yes, it was hard. It was hard AND disturbing when people, romantically, links you to a stupid person full of disgusting, disgraceful, horrible, unforgiving flaws… But let us stop at those criticisms and really pause to think. Perhaps Kanda, really, was contradicting himself. PERHAPS there really was a secret meaning to the nickname. Nudge. Nudge. There must be a reason for his constant, unfounded yet deep lying grudge to the certain white-haired teen.
Something, in which, Lenalee was determined to find out.
"Kanda!" Lenalee waved frantically in the air, walking over from Allen's table. Kanda immediately snapped out of his reverie. His dark blue orbs fizzled back into its usual depths of white and silvery lights. His eyes reverted quickly to the caller and darkened as it watched the person sitting down on the opposite side of the table. He was having his usual Soba noodles at the cafeteria, and did not like…well, having company. He felt that people were annoying - what the hell, he felt that the entire universe was annoying!
"What do you want?" Kanda snapped in his usual tone of impatience and petulance. His brows were furrowed and knitted in a single line. This was, yet, another day when Kanda woke up and decided to be an evil bastard. It was a common sight, really, and everyone has gotten quite used to his daunting nature. Those who are less familiar are forced to think that he had tumbled out of the wrong side of the bed. Others who are, or were, his acquaintance would simply shrug in a weary kind of way.
Lenalee gave him a wide smile and blinked. "Ohayo, Kanda."
Kanda threw a gruff look and muttered something inaudible like "hello." Or maybe it was "Go away."
"Sorry, I didn't catch that?" Lenalee prodded further.
'Damn it! How can I let this woman…' Kanda thought, incensed. He didn't like being treated like a kid! Nu no-no. Somehow, Lenalee vaguely reminds him of Master Tiedoll. Shudders."DA-morning." He finally answered with dripping fury, his voice dangerously lower. Since he was, literally, forced into saying it – the words came off harsh. It sounded like a death threat.
Lenalee looked satisfied, to say the least. She continued smiling – Kanda thought it was dangerous…and odd. Not that, he was scared of a woman, of course! THE HORROR! It was just…for precautionary measures. After all, Lenalee was pretty infamous for her weird, twisted ideas. She tried setting up Miranda with Krory once...everyone knew how that turned out. Since then, the all mighty Lenalee had earned the nickname of cupid (Kanda thought it sounded stupid and ridiculous). You know, one of ugly flying things that went around shooting people with their bow and arrows. They should be charged as an accessory for murder!
"OOF-" someone had accidentally shoved him in the back. "WHY YOU-"
"Sorry, Yuu-chan!" the red-haired teen quickly piped in. "I-uh didn't see you. Heh. Hey! It was an accident! HONEST!" he waved his hands in utter defense; which proved fertile nonetheless. Kanda pursed his lips and began reaching for his katana.
"SUMIMASEN!" Knowing that his life was in danger, Lavi took off at an alarmingly great speed.
Kanda gave a small 'che' before turning back to his plate of Soba. However, the weak excuse for a matchmaker was still beaming across the table.
"AND why are you still here?" Kanda narrowed his eyes to Lenalee whose cheeks were practically flushed and radiating joy. Something was not quite right…but he just couldn't place a finger what. His left eye twitched.
Lenalee began giggling like the strange person she was. "Nothing, Kanda. Oh! I have to see Nii-san! See you later, Kanda!" She swung her legs over the bench, stood up, and began walking away.
Kanda stared at her retreating back, a little startled by her weirdness. Then again, Kanda always thought she had a…strange mind. He shrugged in a 'who cares' kind of way and began his morning breakfast.
"Oi!" Lavi waved towards Lenalee who had just left the cafeteria. "Did you manage?"
Lenalee smiled and nodded.
"And he didn't notice anything? HA! Our plan was fool proofed!" Lavi exclaimed, smugly.
Lenalee giggled a little and shook her head.
"What? We pulled it off, didn't we?!"
"Sure. But your acting was terrible, Lavi. Kanda could have seen through it."
"Was not!"
"Hai. Hai. Whatever you say." Lenalee waved a dismissive hand. "Now we will have to wait…for about three hours or so. And then –"
"Step two." Lavi grinned, his eyes glinting dangerously.
"Yup, so let's go through the procedures again…" The two began walking down the corridor, discussing over their hatched plan.
An hour later…
"YOU IDIOT!" Kanda burst into Lavi's room, madness written all over his face.
Yuu Kanda was drunk (at least, he looked the part). Red face. Constant hiccups. Threatening, yet teary eyes. There was no doubt about the drunken stupor he was in. Bless his good soul.
He was very drunk in fact. This was not…not cool! Whatever happened to his high stature and…AND MASCULINTY! Now, this would give the entire headquarters another year worth of topic's discussion. Where's the burial pit when you need one? Oh! Good lord!
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT INTO MY FOOD?!!" Kanda bellowed, brandishing his sword in a very frightening way. In the state he was in, Kanda was completely oblivious to another presence in the room. Lenalee and Lavi were sitting next to the window. They were both arguing and discussing over possible flaws of their plan. What plan? It had something to do with a very drunken yet murderous Kanda Yu. It was a highly secret and confidential discussion. And Lavi was sure he had locked the damn door. Hey, what are we saying? Kanda has sliced through Akumas like they were…watermelons. (Not considering the taste, of course.) It was no surprise he had blown off the poor door – it looked anything like one now, just blasted pieces of wooden scrap. Let us please have a moment of silence for Lavi's door. Amen.
Lavi and Lenalee could only gaped at the sudden interlude. They exchanged glances, looking wide-eyed, startled and completely baffled.
"It's impossible! But, how did he know?" they both thought, scared stiff.
It was terrifying, really. Then again, it wasn't everyday a madman comes barging into your room, hiccupping like a kid whilst sending death glares.
"Speak! Or I'm gonna - hmp! Gonna…hmp!" Kanda gave up talking all at once. Or maybe the hiccups were really getting onto his last nerves. Anyways, he still needed to kill the rabbit.
"Yuu-chan…ar-are you okay?" Lavi asked, concerned. He leapt off from the window seat and began making his way towards Kanda, cautiously.
"You're dead…DEAD! Hmp! I'm gonna kill you…YOU IDIOT!" Kanda sent his last death glare before promptly toppling over his feet, falling face flat onto the ground.
"KANDA!" Lavi and Lenalee immediately rushed over and hauled him over to the couch.
"What the hell just happened?" Lavi asked, perplexed. "It has only been one hour and he's acting all…crazy like an alcoholic!"
"Well, he is drunk, you know…considering the drug's components." Lenalee looked thoughtfully, and frowned. "Maybe Kanda is allergic to those…"
"WHAT?"
"I-I don't know." Lenalee answered, looking at Kanda who was muttering something inaudible like how-to-kill-a-rabbit.
"I might have…well, I'm not entirely sure, add an extra dose to his tea." Lenalee bit the bottom of her lips, guilty.
"AN EXTRA DOSE?!" Lavi exclaimed in exasperation. "More like the whole bottle!"
"Shh!" Lenalee hissed and gestured towards the remnants of his door.
Lavi sighed. "But how did he know anyways?"
"I told you your acting was awful." Lenalee reasoned, throwing him a scolding look.
"What? So it's my fault now? …Wait, over dosage won't kill him…right?"
"What? Of course not!"
Lavi narrowed his eyes, unconvinced.
"It's a special drug Nii-san made. With a few constituents of alcohol, and…and…um…some other unknown chemicals. Completely safe, of course! It was originally used to catch a quick nap. So its effects won't last long. An extra dose would only quicken the effects, not extend it."
"And why do the scientists need alcohol for naps?" Lavi asked, suspicious.
Lenalee shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. One of my brother's weird inventions, I suppose."
Lavi shifted his eyes from the stirring Kanda, back to Lenalee.
"What? Stop looking at me like that!" Lenalee retorted, defensively. "Oh, for Christ's sake, Lavi! Are we still going to do this or what?"
"Fine." Lavi finally relented. "But you better tell him it was you. I bet he's dreaming of ways to murder me." He shuddered.
True enough. Kanda was cracking up like…well, the sleeping madman he was. He was swinging his arms in the air, brandishing an invisible sword. "Chop off the rabbit's head…and then…the feet! Oh yeah…rabbit's feets are lucky...yes, they are."
Author's note: I assumed how Kanda would behave with alcohol affecting his brain cells. Hehe. I'm not sure if one would, actually, hiccup after drinking lots of alcohol. Heh. So let's just say it's an allergic reaction. XD