04-Jul-2000
Heheheheheheheheh...
I just found a photo of a friend from school, and his favorite T-shirt, and I just HAD to write this, a fic that featured said shirt.
Warnings: Yaoi, Very possible squicking, mature content, very possible OOC.
Relena Darlian was eagerly looking forward to today's visit to the Gundam Pilots and their newest, supposedly undetectable safehouse.
At first, she had simply done it to see Heero, but as she began to forge friendships with these intense young men, she visited simply to talk to people who were around her own age, yet forced to be as mature as herself, unlike many of the people around her in school.
This would be her first visit to them in over two months, and she couldn't wait to see her friends.
She had nearly bounded to the door to find it open and unlatched.
"That's odd..." They had never left the door unlocked in the time she'd known them. Yet Wufei's motorcycle, Quatre's coupe, and Heero's sedan were all parked in the garage or drive.
A sudden jolt of fear ran through her. Could OZ have found them?? There were no signs of a battle, and none of the PR trumpeting one would expect after such a coup, but...
"No. I would have found out, somehow. It was probably just an accident."
She stepped inside, closed the door, and latched it securely before she called out.
"Hello? Heero? Duo? Quatre? Anyone?"
It was silent for a moment, and Relena felt an icy hand begin to grip her heart when...
"Relena? Is that you? How'd you get inside??"
Quatre's head poked out of a side room near the door, with a genuinely puzzled expression.
"The door was unlocked."
"Oh...that's odd...wait. I remember. Trowa wanted the door open to make sure the glue and paint fumes would circulate."
"Glue and paint fumes? What are you doing?"
Quatre's face broke out in a surprisingly wide smile.
"Come in and see!"
Relena followed him, and part of the mystery was now solved. Trowa and Quatre were building models of some kind, large enough to take up most of the long table they were using as a workbench.
"Wait...are those..."
"Yep!" Quatre beamed as he showed Relena the passion he shared with his lover. "Starblazers!! We've almost finished our 1/100 scale Yamatos! I'm doing a normal one, and Trowa's working on a cutaway version. We're going to make a really nice display for them once they're done."
"Wow. They're very detailed...especially yours, Trowa. It looks very well done."
"Thanks."
Was that a small smile on Trowa's face? It was definitely a day for small wonders. And Starblazers! She learned something new about the pilots every time she saw them.
"Where are Heero, Duo, and Wufei?"
Quatre leaned back from the table, concentrating...
"I haven't seen Heero or Duo lately, but I think Wufei's still out in the garden."
"The garden?"
"Yeah, he's really got a fairly green thumb, he just doesn't get to use it when we're hopping across the globe. But the doctors said we'd have at least the rest of the month off, so he decided to do some work on the garden the previous owners left here."
"Amazing. I didn't think he had the patience to raise weeds, let alone tend a garden."
"Well, you find out all sorts of things about people when they have time to relax and be themselves. Right Trowa?"
"Hmm..."
Trowa's nod was cut off half way when Quatre leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Relena felt vaguely uncomforable. After all, it was one thing to know they were sharing each other's bed in the abstract, but seeing it...she felt like she was intruding.
"I'll go and see if Wufei's seen either of them lately."
"Mmm...Okay. Good luck getting him to talk to you. He doesn't like being disturbed when he's working. Hey, Trowa, what happened to my #.02 brush?"
"It's on the counter. You had to clean the red enamel off before you could work on the turret details."
Relena walked quietly out of the room as the two young men became reabsorbed with their model kits.
"Model kits...who would have imagined? And Wufei's a gardener..."
Relena was pleasantly surprised when she looked out the large picture window of the living room that displayed the garden Wufei had invested his energy in.
"Magnificent..."
While some of the Trees and shrubs had obviously been there for years, the slightly darker earth on terraced flowerbeds indicated where the Chinese pilot had been working. Some of the blooms were obvious transplants, due to the size and brilliance of the flowers, but others were relatively young, but still growing well.
Relena opened the sliding door out onto the back patio, and took a deep breath of warm summer air, infused with the aroma of the different blossoms.
"Wufei, I'd never figured you for such an artist."
"Onna, don't bother me right now. I'm trying to refertilize this rose."
"Oh? It looks fine to me."
"That's because you're a woman, and one who doesn't understand horticulture. The house's previous owners planted the bulb far too close to a tree, and the tree was leaching the nutrients out of the soil faster than they could be replentished. The rose deserves justice."
"So, how are you going to fix it?"
"First, I forced it into early dormancy with a mist fogger loaded with icy water. Now I'm transplanting it, and then I will bury this large fish," Wufei held what looked like a sizeable carp up in the hand not spading out topsoil, "beneath it's roots to restore the lost nutrients. And you are not helping."
"Can you tell me if you've seen Heero and Duo?"
"They left a few hours ago in Duo's station wagon. Something about shopping."
"Well, I suppose they'll be back soon. Thank you, Wufei."
"..."
"The garden looks wonderful, by the way."
"You think so?" Wufei's voice had a tone of hopeful optimism that seemed almost totally out of place to her.
"Yes."
"Then wait until it's finished."
Relena left the pilot to his gardening, listening to him mutter about giving "Justice to all abused plants". How odd to hear him spouting his usual diatribes about justice and integrity to a bunch of plants...perhaps she should suggest to Heero that they get him out more.
Relena decided to simply settle in on one of the large couches that furnished the living room to wait for the other two pilots.
She didn't have to wait long.
"Oi, Heero! Get the trunk open so we can get this guy into the fridge!"
Relena heard Duo shouting from the garage, and wondered what they could have possibly bought that required the large floor refrigerator she had seen in the garage, as opposed to the normal sized one in the kitchen.
She made a decision she'd regret for months at that point.
She decided to find out.
"Heero! Duo! I came to...OH MY GOD!"
Heero was NOT wearing his usual spandex. Instead, he was wearing a tight blue coverall that was liberally smudged with dirt.
Duo was wearing a white t-shirt that read, in small black letters:
"Necrophilia means never having to say you're sorry."
He was also carrying a male corpse.
"Oh, hi, Relena. Whatcha think of the catch of the day?"
Relena couldn't believe the way Duo and Heero were simply acting like nothing was wrong. Duo seemed more cheerful than ever, in fact, if such a thing was possible.
"Wha...huh..gaa?"
"Oh, the body? That's easy. Read my t-shirt again."
She did.
She did again, just to make sure it still read the same thing it had the first two times.
"Necrophilia?!" Her voice was rising in volume and pitch, but she didn't care. In some situations, you were allowed to dispense with decorum. She was fairly sure this was one of them. Accepting the fact that Heero and Duo were in love had been hard enough, but THIS...
"Relena, don't act that way! It's the safest sex method imaginable! No STDs, no pregnancy risk, and you don't even have to buy roses or dinner or gifts!"
Heero piped up at that point:
"Plus, as a result of morbidity, the blood will settle in the lower extremities after a few hours.
Duo took back over at that point.
"Leading to a Porn-star hardon and an asshole tighter than anything you thought was possible. You just have to know how to pick 'em, so that they don't start to go squishy or break apart while you're having fun. Kinda like buying canteloupes."
"Canteloupes? Porn-stars? Oooohhh..."
Duo dropped the body and grabbed the fainting Relena before she could hit the ground, then checked his watch.
"53 seconds. You bet she'd last 2 minutes."
"Hn."
"You know what this means."
Heero sighed. "You get to be Seme tonight."
"Yep! Now, you go throw that body back in the dumpster, and I'll put her on a couch and get some smelling salts."
Relena awoke a few minutes later, bolting upright.
"AHHHHHHHH!"
"Relax, Relena." Quatre's blue eyes were worriedly peering into her own.
"Heero and Duo decided to play a practical joke on you when they heard you were coming."
"Then...they're...not?"
Duo came into the room at that point and nearly fell over laughing.
"No way!! I may be Shinigami, but I'm not going to go that far!"
"What a relief...I'll admit, I liked finding out that you guys had hobbies, but..."
"Well, next time just call before you drop in. Maybe we can arrange a better welcome for you." Quatre seemed quite sincere, and Relena was determined not to notice the way Duo was sniggering.
"I'm a little hungry... what were you planning to have for dinner?"
"The body. Heero and I figured he was too good to go to waste."
"DUO!" This time both Relena and Quatre were shocked at the braided pilot's calm statement.
"Geez...you guys will believe anything I tell you, won't you?"
The End
Blind Zen Archer
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