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The Dying of the Light
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
standard disclaimers
Life isn't fair- it never has been and it never will be. That's one of the first lessons I've ever learned, but it is a lesson I will continue learning over and over until I die.
Behind this smiling face I bear the weight of the world, or, at least, Konan country. I'm the oldest of the Suzaku Seishi and thus I carry the responsibility for them. Yes, while Tamahome and Miaka are nominally in charge, and Hotohori is the Emperor, I'm the only one with the knowledge of the stars necessary to summon Suzako. I'm the most powerful of us, I know. While each of the Seishi has their own power, mine is the most versatile. I have faced Nakago and lived to tell of it- I doubt many of his other enemies were able to do so.
You certainly weren't able to, Nuriko. You were the strongest of us physically, but there was no way you would have stood a chance against such a brutal enemy. You killed this creature, this Ashitare, but he killed you as well.
We had some good times, though, didn't we? I remember making fun of you from the beginning, but you never really took offense. Messing around with you and Tasuki was some of the best entertainment I've had since... never mind. I promised myself I wouldn't think of that part of the past until Suzako had been summoned.
I'm older then the rest of you. I'm twenty-four years old, while most of you are in your mid teens. Those years made a large difference. I know that you thought I was strange, perhaps even insane, but there was a reason for that. I had learned to put everything aside save my power on the trip to my destiny.
Destiny. I hate that word, don't you, Nuriko-chan? In a hundred years, some smart-ass historian or priest will say that it was your destiny to die so we could get the Shinzaho. Then they would rattle on about how nothing is ever gained easily, and use you again, saying that in death, you had finally found the meaning you had been seeking all your life. If I was able to, I would cast a spell that would resound throughout the ages, making it "destiny" for anyone who ever dared to think such a thought would have a nasty encounter with some lice. Nothing fatal, but damned irritating.
There's no such thing as fate- just bad luck. And you seemed to have had the worst run of it of anyone I have ever known. Losing a sister, losing your family when you became your sister, falling in love with someone who could never love you- I would say your life has had a pretty consistent pattern. Yet still, you managed to shine.
Each of us have our own distinct auras- for example, mine is a pale blue, Mitsukake's a soft and healing green, while Hotohori's is the red of Suzako, the red of royalty. Yours is perhaps one of the brightest I've ever seen... I can hardly describe it. The aura reflects the individual, and yours was the most complex I have ever seen, just like you. Sometimes it was a pale lavender, while other times it burned brighter then the orange of Tasuki's flames. Always, though, it was warm, something I found soothing.
I used to watch you sleep. I know you'll accuse me of some hentai motives, but it wasn't because of any attraction- no, that's wrong. Let me correct myself- not any PHYSICAL attraction. I was attracted by the complexity of your soul. It was always soothing to me, like bathing in the warm sunlight on a cool day. Occasionally when I would grew stressed, I would merely look at your shining spirit and find solace. There was such a purity there.
You only caught me staring at you once. It wasn't while you slept, but another time. You were sitting in the courtyard, and all around you, the cherry blossoms were falling. The wind blew them around, and I saw your delicate face stare at them with child-like wonder. You were dressed in the robes of a court woman, and now that I think back, it was one of the few times I remember you garbed so. You stopped cross-dressing soon after we met. Strangely, I don't think Tasuki, Chiriko or Mitsukake ever saw you dressed up. It's their loss... you were quite stunning.
I was sitting nearby, fishing. I never catch any fish, which became a running joke between us, but you understood why I bothered anyway. Just having something in your hands leaves your mind free to think, free to ponder the unponderable. What can I say? I'm a strange person.
Your eyes were fastened on falling blossoms, and a slight smile danced on your lips. I glanced over at you, and I was amazed. I had never seen anyone radiate such contentment, such a perfect balance of ying and yang. I stared longer then I meant to, for you caught me looking at you as though I was mentally undressing you.
"Chichiri?" you asked, sounding confused and slightly embarrassed. You flipped the part of your hair that was free over your shoulder and walked over to me, sinking down to the ground beside me with a grace that I've never seen anyone match before. And no one ever will.
"Hai?" I asked, continuing my blatant appraisal.
You frowned at me in concern. "Why are you looking at me the way I look at Hotohori-sama?"
I felt a blush creep up my neck, but to disguise it, I shrunk and did my "I'm oh-so-cute-no-da!" routine. You were having none of it. With one of your seemingly fragile hands, you reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders, shaking me gently. Gently for you- my head only spun for a minute or so. "I want some answers, not jokes," you said. "Ever since I met you , I've gotten the feeling that you were watching me. It would be most distressing if you fell in love with me- we already have enough tangled hearts without adding yours to the mix."
I stammered for a second before I could find the words I wanted to use. "I was merely admiring your aura," I said finally. "It's comforting."
"So you're not in love with me?" you asked.
"No," I answered, though not with complete honesty. I loved you, just not in a sexual way.
"Good," you said, but I think I might have detected a hint of disappointment in your voice. I knew you'd probably get a kick out of adding yet another element to all the love triangles the Seishi had going on. Everyone seems to be in love with Miaka- even Tasuki, though he doesn't know it yet.
We sat together for a while, saying nothing. It was a comfortable silence, but I could tell it wouldn't last. The brightness of your spirit, while peaceful, is not tranquil. It's a fine distinction, but I watched you finally tire of the restfulness and bounce to your feet, ready to get into more mischief. You waggled your fingers at me and chirped something about seeing Miaka and Tama-chan.
I watched you go, wondering why no one else could ever see the light of you. It was entrancing... and complex, and unique. Perhaps that's why it seems so horrible that you are the first of us to die. I'm not a fool- I realized that some of us might die, but I honestly wasn't expecting it to be you. Hotohori, maybe, or Mitsukake or myself. But not you. You should have lived to a ripe old age, bounding around and spreading your good cheer where ever you chose to go.
I can still remember the moment you died with biting clarity. It was as if the world had, for one second, stopped to mourn what it had lost. The world has always been a dangerous, grim place, but now it seems a darker one as well. We huddle together for warmth in a world that knows only cold, and now one of the brightest lights is gone, lost to us forever.
I want to shriek at the unfairness of it all, but as I've already stated, life is not fair.
Sleep well, beloved friend. It should have been me instead- you were the most vital person I've ever known, while I'm dead inside. Still, I promise I will continue to protect your miko for you- I know how much you loved her. You thought I didn't know? I think I knew before you did- the others might be oblivious, but I recognized the look you wore on your face. I used to where it myself, I'm sure, when I looked on my Kouran.
There isn't much time left. It's always hurry-hurry, rush-rush. But we must- I swear, not on your grave, but on Kouran's, that we won't lose. I won't allow it to happen.
It's time for me to change again- after all, I wouldn't be who I was if I wasn't able to shake of pain as though it were a joke. Everything is a joke, Nuriko. I think you're the only one who really understood that- for as long as we can laugh, things will turn out all right. They have to, or else I've lived for nothing. And I respect you too much to believe that you would have become friends with a nothing.
END
Mizu Kagame all the way, baby!
Next up: Taka/Tamahome.... "Faithful Departed"
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