Dear Mom,
You probably expect me to be disappointed in you—to hate you, to never want to ever think of you ever again. But I'm not.
I think I knew in the back of my mind that this would happen, or that something like this would be a possibility. I don't think you saw me when I watched you scarf down prescription pills, even when the doctor specifically said you're only supposed to take one. I heard him say it, I was there, remember? I was with you because it was after school and you forgot to drop me off at Gammy's or get a sitter.
He specifically said "Katy, please remember, take only 2 at a time?"
But he should've known better than to think you would listen to him that time. But God, I wish you had.
I don't think you can see this and if you can, I think this is the part when you wonder why I'm writing this. And to be honest, I don't know. I'm doing well just so you know. People are walking on egg shells around me, even more now that you're not here and they know that you're not here. I'm the girl who can't handle anything because her parents both left her.
Lucas picked Riley, I don't think I told you that. He picked her a few weeks before you left. If I'm being honest, I don't think I ever really liked him. He looked strong and like a hero with a few dark secrets of his own and I thought maybe I found someone like me who have figured their life out and made a change who can help me change too. But I guess pity only goes so far and this time, like all the other times, the boy picked the girl with the flowy hair and flowers in her hair and a heart big enough for the whole world.
I wish you thought of me.
I know you weren't thinking straight at that point, but I honestly wish you remembered me when snapped open that white lid for the very last time.
Just think for a second, 'Hey, I have a daughter who I should probably take care of.'
Or maybe you had and you decided you weren't a good mother and that I would be better without you here. But I'm not and I know we've never been close but I don't know why you would think even for a second I wouldn't want you here. That the world doesn't want you here.
Farkle told me I can stay over at his house for the time being. I wish you had the chance to meet him again. He's still a geek but he's incredible and I have been studying with him lately. I tried studying with him yesterday but I thought of you and I remembered that you weren't here and I broke down crying. He held me and calmed me down and we stayed like that for an hour or so. I really want you to meet him again, or just watch over him from your spirit world or wherever you are.
I'm tired of writing, I don't really know what to say right now but I hope wherever you are, I hope you're alright. I will write again soon.
Love, your daughter Maya