I'm Used to this by Adaissquishy or Adastiltskin

Pairings: Snowing, Swanfire

Rated: T

Tropes: Angst

Summary: Neal didn't show up for Christmas that morning and after Emma recieves a special gift from him she decides to go out looking for him.

AN: This was written for a gift exchange thing but I have no patience and my secret santee got to read it. Moriartyfy this is for you!

It was Christmas Eve and David had volunteered to take the night shift. It wasn't a busy night like usual but just the thought of the family Christmas celebrations in the morning made David want the shift to go by quicker. They planned to meet at Regina's at 8AM for presents at Henry's insistence. They invited Neal, Mr. Gold and Belle as well since they were also a part of Henry's crazy family tree. Mr. Gold and Belle had decided on a private Christmas though so Neal was the only one who had accepted albeit apprehensively. David really liked Neal but he had decided to remain neutral as far as pushing their relationship in one direction or the other.

It was 1 in the morning when someone barged through the doors. David stood up. "Neal, what on earth are you doing here? It is the middle of the night." Neal was carrying two large bags filled with presents. "I know, " He smiled as he set down the bags and dusted the snow off of his shoulders. "Whats with the presents Neal? I mean I know it is Christmas day but we still have several hours before we are all supposed to meet at Reginas."

David saw a flash of sadness float through Neal's eyes. "I...that's why I am here. I don't think it is a good idea for me to be there. I mean I know Henry wants me there but...Emma doesn't...she just needs a good Christmas with her family. She deserves a happy Christmas with her son and parents free from drama and stress." Neal flashed his bright smile but for the first time David caught a glimpse behind it He saw a man about to break down. He knew what that felt like. "Well I cannot force you to come. The invitation stands. We will be there all day. Are these presents for everyone? Would you like me to take them with me tomorrow?" Neal nodded. "If that is cool. I got stuff for everyone. I even found something for Regina. Anyways, I am going to head back to my apartment. " Neal turned to leave as he felt a firm hand clasp his shoulder. "Merry Christmas Neal."

"Merry Christmas David."

"Where is dad?" Henry asked as everyone gathered around the kitchen table for Christmas breakfast. "He said he wasn't feeling well. He dropped off presents last night at the station. Seemed he had a terrible cold starting and he didn't want to get anyone sick." David chimed. Emma looked at him with a quizzical expression. His eyes told her to ask later for the truth. "Well what are we going to do with his presents then?"

"I will take them to him later. First, lets dig into breakfast and open all of our gifts!"

Breakfast finished quickly and they gathered around the Christmas tree. Taking turns they each opened a present until finally only one tiny package was left. It was a gift from Neal to Emma. The box was small with simple gold wrapping paper. Attached was a card. She wasn't sure if she wanted to open it in front of everyone so she stashed the card into her pocket and chose to just open the box. As she opened the lid her heart sunk. There inside sat her swan necklace that he had given her all those years ago. It also had another small heart charm that had a picture of Henry on one side and his name engraved on the other. Emma couldn't handle her emotions and quickly marched her way up the stairs. David was quick to follow as Regina and Mary Margaret held Henry back. "Is mom going to be okay?" Mary Margret gave Henry a reassuring hug. "Yes. David will take care of her. Come on lets go eat some gingerbread cookies and play that new video game Regina got you."

Emma paced across Henry's room. Her head as in a million places. 'Why is he giving this to me right now? Why isn't he here? Dammit Neal…' She heard footsteps come up the stairs and follow her into the room. "Emma, are you okay?" Her fathers voice was full of concern. She shook her head. "Where is Neal? Why isn't he here David? Where the hell is he?" David looked at her with a mix of sadness "Because you aren't ready for him to be here yet." Even though the words were true she didn't want to acknowledge them. "Where is he?"

"I don't know. Most likely at his apartment. Look, Emma, if you need to go for a bit we will all understand." She nodded grateful that her father understood the yearnings of her heart at that both slowly made their ways down stairs. Henry gave her a giant hug that all too much reminded her of Neals. He was turning into his father in more ways than she wanted to admit or see. "Kiddo, I am going to go check on your dad. I will be back soon okay?"

As she went out the door Mary Margret also embraced her and whispered in her ear "I am here for when you get back okay?" Emma gave a weak smile as she headed out to find Neal. She wasn't sure what she was going to say to him or what she was going to do when she saw him but her heart needed answers that only he could give her.

She opened up the door to her little yellow bug and drove down the road towards his apartment but saw his truck wasn't outside. 'Dammit Neal, where are you?' She glanced around and saw just down the road his bright yellow truck parked outside the church. 'What on Earth would he be doing there?' She parked her car and followed what was most likely his footprints in the snow leading up to the chapel doors. Neal wasn't a religious man by any means and it confused her that he would be here instead of at home. She cautiously snuck up to the door when she heard it. The sounds of someone sobbing. Not just someone but Neal. She felt a stabbing pain in her chest listening to his agony. She hesitated to move further in instead choosing to wait by the door and listen.

Neal felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. That morning when he had woken up he found himself needing a place to hide. He knew that it wouldn't be long before someone would come looking for him at his apartment. Henry at the very least would want to check on him based off of whatever excuse David came up with. He quickly showered and headed out towards the small church building in town. It was usually empty and no one would expect him to be there. He took a seat on the dark wooden bench at the front. His heart was filled to the brim with troubles this morning and in this moment he couldn't suppress them. He wanted to be with Emma and Henry but he knew it would make her feel uncomfortable. He knew she felt awkward around him and her happiness and comfort always came before his own.

He sighed deeply looking up at the stained glass image of some angel whose arms were wrapped around the figure of some man.. "A guardian angel." He scoffed. There were no angels. There was never anyone there to guard him. There was always just Neal. Always just Bae. "Always that lost little boy in that cave all alone…" He felt the tears start to stream down his face and for once he let them flow. What was the point of keeping it all in when no one would hear his cries. No one was ever there to listen to him cry.

The images of hundreds of years flashed across his mind. The mother who let him go. His father's grip loosening. Even though they had repaired some damage done the pain was still there of having power chosen over him. Neverland...the nightmare that never seemed to end. The days he counted hoping someone would save him only to realize that would never happen.

And then there was Emma. He had hurt her so deeply. he had listen to August. He had abandoned the closest thing to a family he had had in ages. The image of her bashing at that cage in the Echo caves and then confessing to him that even though she loved him she wished that he was dead so she could bury the pain away. Those words never stopped ringing in his ears. 'If only I had died she could have been happy.' Ever since they had gotten back to Storybrooke he saw that whenever she was around him her walls were up. She didn't really want him there. She just wanted Neal around for Henry.

"That should be enough for you Neal. You have Henry. Emma and Henry, their happiness is what matters not yours. If they are happy then you should be too." He felt greedy for wanting more from Emma. Greedy for desiring his own happiness. His heart yearned to hold her again but he knew that wouldn't happen. How could she forgive him for 11 years of pain? He couldn't even forgive himself. He put his head in his hands dampening them with his tears. He sat there crying for almost an hour when he heard the pattering of footsteps and the large wooden church doors creaking. He turned around to see Emma standing there with a look of concern on her face. "Emma…"

She stood there frozen. The look on his face was pure anguish. How much of that was her doing? How many tears had he shed this morning for her? "Neal...why?" He stood up slowly and took a hesitant few steps towards her. "Why what?" His voice was shaking and sounded hoarse. Emma held out the necklace in front of her. "Why did you give this back to me? I don't….I don't want this back." The words came out harsher than she had intended them to and it was visible that statement hurt him. "I...I'm sorry. I just thought...that you would….you can take the swan key chain off of it. I..I am sorry I ruined your life Emma. I just want you to be happy. I made the other part to remind you of that. I want you to be happy with the peop- person closest to your heart. " Emma slowly removed the keychain part of it. She wasn't ready to accept that part yet.

Neal watched as she took the key chain off. Another dagger into his heart but he had to accept that she didn't want that. She didn't want him or any of the past they had shared. He looked down at the ground. 'If this is what makes her happy than I have to accept that.' He walked towards her head hung down in grief and shame. He held out his shaking hand. Emma cautiously placed the key chain into his hand, tears beginning to form in her own eyes. She looked into his eyes again and what was staring back at her was no longer Neal. It was the lost lonely boys eyes. There was so much pain held within those eyes. "Neal...I"

"I am fine. Please don't worry about me. I am used to it." He turned away from her feeling another wave of pain hit him. "Please go...please...I..." His voice was trembling as he plead with her to go. Emma felt uncertain. She just stood there frozen. The words "I am used to it" kept flashing across her mind. He was used to hurting. He was used to being left all alone. He was used to being the lost boy. She subconsciously reached her hand out and touched his back.

He turned around and flashed her one of his smiles as he tried to push the tears back. He put his hands around her face brushing the few tears away from her cheeks with his thumbs. He then placed a gentle kiss on top of her forehead. "All I want is for you and Henry to be happy. Now please, go spend Christmas with him. Be happy." He walked slowly back to his bench. 'Don't you dare turn around Cassidy. Don't look at her. Be strong just long enough for her to go and then you can fall apart.' He only made it halfway back to the front of the chapel when he heard the doors close. Emma had left him. "Goodbye love." His knees buckled and he spent the next while in a heap on the floor going from hysterical crying to desperate silence.

Emma returned to Regina's to find Mary Margaret waiting for her on the porch. "How did it go?" Emma explained everything and ended by saying "I did what he told me to do. I came back here." Mary Margaret had a look of pity in her eyes. "Oh."

"Oh what?"

"Nothing."

"Mary Margaret, just spill it."

"It's just that I feel bad for Neal is all. I mean everyone in his life has left him and now even you have. Not that you have to do anything about that of course. It just makes me sad that he seems to expect abandonment from those he loves. No one ever chooses him."

Mary Margaret was right and it bothered Emma but she decided to shove it aside for the moment until after the Christmas celebrations were done. The next few hours went by fast and Emma left giving Henry a big hug before heading to the station to take her turn on shift. That night images of Neal's eyes just kept flashing in her mind. She knew he was hurting and she knew she hurt him more but she didn't want to face all of that. It was too much too soon. "Don't worry, I am used it it." That line dug at her. She shook her head to try to erase these thoughts. "Come on Emma let it go for now. If you are still worried you can just check on him in the morning."

That morning Neal woke up with a start as his cell phone starting ringing. "Hello?" The other line was silent. "Hello? This is Neal Cassidy can I help you?" Still silence. "Look it is 7 in the freakin' morning what the hell do you wa-"

"We need to talk." It was Emma. Neal sat up quickly. Why would she be calling him. "Look about yesterday don't worry about it Emma. I am fine." His fingers ran through his messy bed hair.

"Can I come over right now?"

He sat there in silence for a moment only shaken by her voice "Neal...are you still there?"

"Um, yeah...sure why not. Give me about 15 minutes to shower and get dressed."

"Okay...see you in 15."

The hot water poured down his back as Neal stretched his arm above his head, leaning against the wall underneath the shower head. His thoughts seemed everywhere but focused on getting clean. He tried to compose a good speech for her when she got there like how he was drunk or that he really was sick and the medicine caused him to get all depressed the night before. He shook his head, the water in his hair flying everywhere. "Dammit Cassidy get it together. She will be here any minute." He finished showering quickly and had just enough time to put on his khaki pants when he heard the doorbell ring. He threw on a tank top and made his way briskly to the door still attempting to dry his hair with his towel as he turned the door knob.

Emma stood waiting for Neal to answer the door. Her heart was pounding so loud she could barely hear the sound of her own knocking. 'Why am I doing this again?' The door swung open. She wasn't sure what she expected but it wasn't Neal still slightly wet from showering. He looked just like he did when they had planned on going to Tallahassee though I am sure it wasn't intentional on his part. His smile beamed at her as he invited her inside. She took several small steps and looked around. She hadn't really seen his apartment much. It was smaller than her mothers and it was filled with old record players, telephones, and other knick knacks.

As she turned around she saw him throw his towel in to the bathroom. "Are you really just going to throw that on the floor?" He raised an eyebrow at her. "I will have the cleaning person pick it up later after he finishes talking to his guest." They both chuckled for a second before an awkward silence fell around them. "Would you like something to eat? or coffee? I can make something really fast for you since you are probably just getting off shift." Neal headed towards his kitchen when Emma reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him. "Look Neal…" He froze at her touch. His expression changed quickly. 'Keep it together Cassidy.'

He turned his head to look at Emma seeing her eyes staring back into his soul. Emma let go of his arm and started backing away biting her lip as she tried to find the words she wanted to speak. She had a million emotions running through her and some how anger decided to dominate her. "What the hell were you thinking not showing up for Christmas with Henry? Do you know how much he looked forward to having us both there for the first time in his life." Neal was shocked at her bluntness when just moments before she seemed so soft. The flame in her eyes told him he had better answer. "Don't you dare assume the reason I wasn't there was because I didn't want to be there for Henry. I wasn't there, Emma, because of you."

"Me? What do I have to do with anything? I thought you were his father and you were going to step up to the plate and be there for him."

"I am there for him. I wasn't there because I know how uncomfortable I seem to make you feel because that seems to be what I do now a days. I wanted you to have a good Christmas with your family without the drama or the backlash of hurt feelings." He was trying to keep an even tone but his temper was showing through his words.

It was a good answer she had to admit. She did feel uncomfortable around him. She was nervous about him there at Christmas for sure. They still had so much pain and hurt they hadn't't talk about which caused her to avoid talking to him at length because she was still afraid of all of that hurt.

"Is that all you came over for? Look, I am sorry Emma. Henry understands. I called him last night and we talked about it for a few hours. He is going to spend New Years Eve over here and we will party and open presents and I promise I will keep him away from the bourbon this time." Neal tried to break the tension with his humor. Emma just stood examining him this time with more concern on her face. He knew what she really wanted to know.

Neal slowly walked over to Emma and embraced her tightly nuzzling his face into her neck. "I am fine. I promise. Like I said yesterday I am used to this. You don't have to worry about me anymore." He felt tears threatening to come but he pushed them back as he started to let her go but as his grip loosened she pushed him closer. "It hurts me to hear you say that you are used to this...being abandoned and alone Neal. "

That was all it took for his tears to start to fall soaking the collar of her coat. Emma found tears forming in her own eyes as she stroked the back of his head. "Neal, it's okay. I am not going anywhere. You aren't going to be alone." Neal leaned back slightly looking in her eyes questioning what that meant. Emma pulled his face closer till their lips met. At first it was a simple kiss but it grew more desperate, filled with more longing. Neal needed this. Emma needed this. All the hurt, anger, pain, and longing began to vanish as Emma pushed Neal against the nearest wall pressing her body as close as she could. Hearts pounding, lips locking, passions raising.

"Emma…"

"David, where is Emma? Didn't she say she was going to come over this morning to help clean up all the Christmas decorations?" Mary Margaret had expected Emma do be home over two hours ago. "I dunno dear. Would you like me to give her a call?" She nodded as David pulled out his cell phone dialing the number. It went straight to voice mail. He tried again and the same thing happened. "This worries me. Something must have happened to her. She may run late but she never forgets to answer the phone. I am going to go look for her. I will be right back." David gave his wife a quick kiss on the lips as he headed out the door. He drove towards the police station when he noticed the little yellow bug parked outside Neal's apartment building. 'Two hours late...parked outside Neal's apartment. His truck is right there." The realization of what was most likely happening hit him and he turned his truck around and headed home.

"You are back fast. What is going on?" David had a mix of concern and excitement across his face. "I don't think Emma is going to be coming home anytime soon."

"Why do you say that? Where is she?"

"At Neal's place."

"Oh….OOHHH. Oh my gosh...well I guess we shouldn't plan on her then."