Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Outtakes
Author's Note: I wrote this about a year ago, I think, and I've had to edit it a bit to fit with fanfiction dot com's decency standards. For the record I hate censorship but oh well. Also I don't remember the original dialogue perfectly but I think I got the general idea. I wrote it in script format because it fits this type of fic better. That dotted line below should be a horizontal rule but Quick Edit 2.02 sucks and it wouldn't work. Also for those who don't know Hideaki Anno was the director of Evengelion.
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(In a hospital room......)
Shinji: Wake up... (shoves Asuka and her hospital gown comes open revealing her boobies. Shinji unzips his pants and CENSORED, then CENSORED, his CENSORED shooting over her and onto the far wall.)
Director Hideaki Anno: CUT!!! Shinji you're supposed to CENSORED onto Asuka, not on thefuckn' wall!
Shinji: Sorry, I must have over shot. Can I get a fluffer over here, I'm going soft.....
(Kaoru walks onto the set......)
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(Deep within NERVE Shinji stands before Eva Unit 01. Its his first time there and Gendo is up on the catwalk thing. Its the first time father and son have seen each other in years......)
Shinji (shyly): Father.....
Gendo (serious as hell): Shinji....... would you like some Jesus juice?
Anno: CUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!!
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(In an elevator in NERVE, Asuka is really pissed at Rei for no apparent reason....)
Asuka: You bitch!! Answer me when I talk to you!!!!
Rei: .....
Asuka: I bet you'd even kill yourself if Gendo told you to huh!?
Rei: .......
Asuka: Haha, what the hell are you, an emotionless doll?
Rei: ......
Asuka: YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!! (slaps Rei)
Rei: ....... (punches Asuka and knocks her the hell out)
Anno: CUT!!!! Do it over!!!
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(In an elevator in NERVE, Asuka is really pissed at Rei for no apparent reason....)
Asuka: You bitch!! Answer me when I talk to you!!!!
Rei: ..... (grabs Asuka and kisses her. They then start stripping and making out.....)
Anno: CUUUUUUUUUU..... ah never mind....... (unzips pants)
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(In Tokyo 3 the Angel with the tinfoil blade arms has just stomped the hell out of Eva units 02 and 00 and now floats along ominously in the background. Shinji is with Kaji who is watering watermellons......)
Kaji: If you run away thats your business but you'll have to live with it.
Shinji: How can you be so calm when we're all about to die?
Kaji: I don't mind if I die but I would rather have died between Misato's breasts......
(One of the invisible strings holding up the Angel breaks and it falls over anime style)
Anno: CUTTTTTT!!!
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(In a flash back scene Ritsuko's mom is working at a computer and a young Rei walks in.)
Ritsuko's mom: Shouldn't you be with Gendo sweetie?
Rei: Why should I listen to an old hag like you?
Ritsuko's mom gets pissed: You'd better watch your mouth brat!
Rei: But thats what you are, aren't you? Gendo always refers to you as "an old hag". So isn't that what you are?
Ritsuko's mom gets really pissed: How dare you!? Is that what he really thinks!?
Rei: Gendo says he doesn't like to fuck anyone over the age of 14..........
Anno: CUT!!!
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(Ritsuko sits naked on a chair in a dark room. Surrounding her are the icons that say "Voice Only" of the Seel members, hiding them but allowing them to talk.....)
Ritsuko: I don't see why this is necessary. I'm not a spy.
Seel Member: We do as we please. And we have our suspicions about you......
(just then the computer program doing the "voice only" thing has a glitch and it cuts off, revealing all the Seel member's sitting there with their pants down CENSORED vigorously......)
Anno: CUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!!
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(Rei is in Gendo's office which is practically empty except for his desk and is lit by some weird red light. He has just summoned Rei there to tell her something really important.)
Rei: You called for me Commander?
Gendo (serious as hell): Rei........ would you like to see my wiener?
Anno: CUTTTTT!!!
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(A few months before the beginning of Evangelion Anno and the other production guys sit around a table in a fancy office building smoking weed......)
Anno (high as hell): Hey guys I..........
Takeshi Honda: Huh.... did you say something Sadamoto-chan......
Anno: no dumbshit...... I did.....
Takeshi:.....................................k
Anno: I got this great thing for a new TV show on television. It will be about angels and........ stuff. We can call it Neon Genesis Evanghagnlblhhh...... Evangahlaggrraaaa....... aw phuck...... (every one laughs)
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(A few months later in the same office the production crew are dropping acid.......)
Anno (trippin' like a mother): I got this great new thing for the llast two episods of Evanglblwawaaaaa....... phuck not again...... (everyone laughs)
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(In a bedroom in a dimly lit apartment Gendo and Yui look like they are about to fuck.)
Gendo drops his pants serious as hell
Yui laughs: Damn Gendo, I though you'd at least have about 4 inches..... (laughs)
Gendo crying serious as hell: You bitch I thought you loved me!!!!
Gendo then grabs Yui and chokes her to death
then breaks her neck
then CENSORED her
then CENSORED
then CENSORED in her CENSORED
then ties her up with duck tape
then cuts her body into pieces with a chainsaw
then throws her body parts in a gladlock bag
then goes out to his car and throws her in the trunk
then dives out to the middle of nowhere and throws her body in a ditch
Anno: CUT!!!
Rei: Took you long enough pervert......
Tokyo TV executive: Uh, we can't show this on TV you know....
Anno: Damn, we'll just have to cut this scene and explain Yui's death as being the result of the First Contact Experiment in which human souls transverse the spiritual plane in order to connect with extrademinsional creatures who....... what the fuck am I talking about..... (everyone laughs)
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(In the first ep of Eva, Sacheil the fourth(?) Angel is taking a stroll through Tokyo trying to get to NERVE and is getting shot at by tanks and helicopters and shit.)
Just then an anti aircraft missile goes off course and hits Sacheil in the balls. It falls over clutching its balls, tears off its mask revealing a Japanese bum
Actor: Aghghghghhg my nutttttssssss!!! This wasn't in my contract damnit!!!!
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(On the set of Evangelion.....)
Shinji: Let me get this straight, the plug will fill will a special liquid called LSD......
Anno: LCL.
Shinji: ......LCL and I'm supposed to "breath" it?
Anno: Yep.
Shinji: Bullshit. Even I know you can't breath liquids.
Anno: Its a "special" liquid. Trust me. You'll be fine. (muffled laughter)
Shinji: Well alright.......
Later Shinji is in the plug and the LCL starts to fill. He tries to breath it and drowns......
Takeshi laughing his ass off: Holy shit!!! He actually fell for it!!!!
Anno laughing his ass off too:OMG what a dumb shit........
The End!!