I took some time off "School Day's Night to write this short spoof on the Dickens classic. ASDN will be updated soon. For now, enjoy this little piece of good stuff, which will be divided into chappies, which will be divided into subchappies. Enjoy.

An Azumanga Christmas Carol

By Jo-Ryan Salazar

Chapter 1a

Kimura was dead, to begin with. Period. It was written on his gravestone six years ago, when he died from too much drinking and harassing young women, only to die from too happy of a life, and too dirty of a life. Kimura was dead as a ding-dong bell. And Yukari Tanizaki knew it. Six years ago. Dead as a ding-dong bell.

Again, dead. As. A. ding. Dong. Bell.

Yukari and Kimura were partners in the realm of teaching for so many years, countless. Mr. Kimura would talk about the classics: Dickens, Eliot, Shakespeare, while at the same time, take advantage of high school girls, to his wife's silent chagrin. But he, of all people, enjoyed his profession. For Yukari, that was the last thing she would want to enjoy. Teaching about proper grammar and speaking in the English language, while acting like a child. She was always that way.

It never tore at her, this…unwavering coldness tempered with anger and resentment at her own life. She never valued anything, except being paid to do her job, and after that, head to the local izakaya, drinking every second, every minute, every hour, day, week, month, year away. Yukari's arched eyebrows, lasting frown, cold brown eyes, twitching body that was slender but tainted by shots upon shots of liquor, and never of regrets. Yukari never regretted her actions. They were all for a purpose. Or so she thought.

No one even cared about Yukari. To the outside world that she loathed, she was just a troubled, stoic, middle-aged woman with no shot for happiness. No season was satisfying enough, no birthday was energetic enough, no peer was daring enough to touch her heart. She had none, and if there was one, it was made of stone.

The only thing Yukari cared about, if anything at all, was drinks, and the fact that they recognized her as just…Yukari. That was it. Anyone who was childlike and disrespectful of her own psyche and emotions was a Yukari.

Little did Yukari know…it was going to take an about-face when she least expected it.

Christmas Eve was when all the people in Tokyo were going up and down the malls to find that special present for that special someone. Christmas was not as widely celebrated as New Year's, or shogatsu, but nonetheless, it became more important as the Japanese state of mind soaked it in. A small set of clouds came over the Minato-ku skyline, and some birds were talking in the trees, devoid of leaves with the passing of autumn.

The door of Yukari's officer was closed. The stack of books was again overflowing, and was in dire need of being reorganized. But for Yukari, the word organization was as foreign as learning a language other than Japanese or even English. She ignored the concept, as she did ignore every lesson given to her in life.

Yukari was busy eating some corn chips she bought for her lunch a day ago. At the same time, she was peeking through the pages of an interesting manga series in Bengeki magazine called "Katsuyato!" "Hm?"

"Meri Kurisumasu, Yukari! Kami-sama save you!" cried a cheerful voice that was too familiar. It was her best friend since her high school days, Minamo Kurosawa.

"Oi," said Yukari. "Baka." She was feeling a little bit too cold from the lack of heating in the room, and continued reading.

"Christmas is a baka, Yukari? I'm sure you don't mean that. And that's the first time yo-u said something like that in front of me!"

"I do, and there is a first time for everything. Meri Kurisumasu, Nyamo. What right have you be merry, what right have you to be happy and gay (but not that way)? You're sober enough."

"Oh come on. What right have you to be stoic and angry all of sudden. You're drunk enough."

"I haven't drank any friggin' booze in a while, Nyamo. The last beer I had was two friggin' days ago." She finished off her terse mini-spiel with another "Oi, Baka."

"Now don't be like that, Yukari."

"Look, it's like this, Nyamo. Why the hell do- I have to live in a world of bonklers that purchase anything but booze for Christmas. They buy little chocolate boxes, stuff they need to go about their…daily lives. What's Christmas time to you but a time for getting drunk without beer, a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour more faded, a time for buying six-packs upon six-packs of Kirin Light for that game between Jubilo and Urawa in front of 50,000 at the Tokyo Dome? See, if I can work my will," Yukari proclaimed indignantly, "every knucklehead that goes squawking the word 'Meri Kurisumasu' on his lips, should be burned to ashes, and used a seasoning for next year's turkey. Or something."

Nyamo pleaded the enthusiasm. "Yukari!"

"Nyamo," Yukari shot back, "you keep Christmas, whatever the hell it is, in your own way, and let me throw it out the third-story window of this school. Understood?"

"And how are you going to do that?"

"If you leave me alone, I'll demonstrate for you."

Nyamo began her spiel, "Yukari, there are a lot of things that I like, and Christmas is one of my favorites. I get to be with family, and treat my friends to dinner around town, and just enjoy life, without need for alcohol. Christmas is a time when everyone can get loose and open their hearts to the world and everything, and to that I say, Kami-sama bless it!"

The clerk who was working alongside her in the cubicle next door applaudingly, even raising a little hoot before going back grading papers.

"Let me hear another peep from you," Yukari said, "and you will spend your Christmas with a grade of an F in assisting the instructor." Turning to Nyamo, she said, "You're quite a good speaker Nyamo. I wonder why you never spoke in front of the Diet."

"Never had, never will."

"Huh."

"Look Yukari, I want you to dine with us and Eiko tomorrow Café Fribourg, the new Frech restaurant in Harajuku."

"Yeah, yeah, anything I can do for a knucklehead like you, Nyamo. But I have one question to ask you, my dear Nyamo."

"What…is it?"

"Why did you and that idiot Kensuke get engaged last week without me ever knowing it."

Nyamo blushed and turned behind her back. "Because I fell in love."

"Because you fell in love!?" Letting out a laugh that turned into a piercing screech, she said coldly, "Get out of my office."

"But Yukari, there's no need for you to get mad all of a sudden after I…"

"I said get out." Yukari pointed to the opened door.

"Look, Yukari, you can't just…"

"Get out. NOW."

Nyamo backtracked toward the door in horror. Quickly, she said. "I am sorry to have troubled you while you are working. But I will enjoy my Christmas, with or without you. So a Meri Christmas, Yukari!"

Yukari, slamming the door shut, yelled, "GET THE $#$ HELL OUTTA HERE DAMMIT!"

Nyamo then, after opening the door a little bit, said, "And a Happy New Year!" She closed it fast enough to prevent her from being choked and pummeled by Yukari, who was clearly steaming, as she always had been.