"No. No, I don't need anything from you." Meredith turned around. She hadn't let him see her cry. He didn't get to see her fall apart. He didn't get to see the remnants of what he had broken.
She got back into her car. She started her car, and started the familiar route to the hospital. She let the tears fall silently, down her cheeks, onto her lap.
She hurried through the doors. Cristina must still be here.
She was running now. She didn't realize, but she was. She hurried around a corner, and crashed into someone.
"I'm so sorry-" she started collecting the contents of her purse which had spilled across the floor. She looked up. Oh, God.
"Meredith." Derek helped her gather her belongings.
"Are you okay?" She kept her eyes on the ground, picking up pens and receipts.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." She tucked her hair behind her ear. He could sense the unsteadiness in her voice.
"Meredith," he put a hand on her shoulder. She stood up, swinging her purse back over her shoulder.
"I'm fine! I'm okay." But she wasn't. "I'm okay, okay? I'm fine, I am-" but she couldn't do it anymore. She let it go, let it all go. Her anger at ER father, her sadness, her disappointment. He pulled her quickly into a supply closet.
"Hey, hey. Take a deep breath." He pulled her close to him, running his hand over the hair on the back of her head. And she cried. She pretended for a second that he was just Derek. He hadn't left her. That he was just him, with his trailer, who loved ferry boats. The smell on his shirt, pine and cologne, it put her at ease.
The last of her sobs trickled out.
"I'm okay." She took a step away from him.
"No, you're not. What happened?" There was concern in his voice.
"I, I went to see my father." She looked up into his eyes. She could see his fatigue, his worry.
"I'm guessing it didn't go very well."
She shook her head.
"No. Not at all. I just, I didn't know what to say. I asked him, I asked why he didn't fight for us. Why he just left us, why he left me. He never called. He never sent a letter. Nothing."
She leaned up against the shelf in the closet. She looked down at the floor.
"What did I do? Was I whiny? Was I just homely? Did I look like her, or not enough like him?"
"Meredith," Derek knew he couldn't touch her.
"You didn't do anything. He was the adult, he should've done better. It wasn't you."
She shook her head, and offered a sad smile.
"I know. That's what everyone says." She could feel more tears on their way.
"But then why does he have two other daughters, who he loves? Why couldn't he love me? What was different?" She sniffed.
"Why can't anybody just stick around long enough to love me." She said, barely audible, below even a whisper.
He wanted to desperately to tell her she was wrong. To tell her what he knew for sure. To tell her everything he had wanted to say for months.
She took a deep breath.
"Anyway," she wiped tears away.
"What about you? I'm sorry about Mark, that couldn't have been easy."
He sighed, leaned on a shelf across from her.
"No. It wasn't." He laughed, it had a sad tone to it.
"And I'm sorry. That I flirted with him. I didn't know, I wouldn't have don't that." Mark's words flashed through her head.
{ "But Derek sees me so much as talking to you, and I'm on the ground bleeding." }
"Don't worry. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Many a straw of adultery." She laughed, and he let his guard down and laughed with her.
He took a step toward her.
Her back remained pressed up against the shelf.
He took another step. Keeping his eyes locked with hers.
He brought his face up, inches from hers.
She nodded slightly. Or maybe he had imagined it.
And his lips were on hers. It felt foreign to her. It was too much. Suddenly. A tear rolled down her cheek.
She pulled away, placing a firm hand on his chest.
"I have to go." She held back a sob, but it slipped out.
"Meredith, wait-" she slammed the door.
He sunk to the floor. He had kissed her. What had he done?