My Fault
Disclaimer: If I owned Edward, why would he end up with Bella, and not me?
This is from Edward's POV, what goes on through his head in one frozen moment in time. I can't really wrap my head around how much pain he's in when Bella is dying, but here's my attempt to capture it.
"It's killing her, right? She's dying." And I knew when I said it that my face was a watered-down echo of his. Weaker, different, because I was still in shock.I hadn't wrapped my head around it yet- it was happening too fast. He'd had time to get to this point. And it was different because I'd already lost her so many times, so many ways, in my head. And different because she was never really mine to lose.
And it was different because this wasn't my fault.
"My fault," Edward whispered, and his knees gave out. He crumpled in front of me, vulnerable, the easiest target you could imagine.
Breaking Dawn, Page 177, from Jacob's POV
She's the most beautiful girl in the world. It happened so suddenly! I love her more than the world itself now. I would die for her. I cannot have her though- she's too good, and I'm a monster.
Life has a way of making plans for us that we disagree with. This wasn't one of them; falling in love was too easy. I was careful though. I promised myself I would never hurt her.
I'd rather die than hurt her.
My sister isn't so optimistic. She says that my beautiful angel will either become like us one day, or die by my own hand. Both options would hurt her. Both options would break my promise. I can understand where these fates come from though- every moment I'm with her, I have to fight to not kill her. I still refuse these two fates; I refuse to hurt her.
Life also has a way of ruining your plans.
I save her from a car accident, but I hit her head on the icy blacktop. The doctor said she was fine, but she wouldn't have hit her head if I didn't pull her down so fast- my fault.
I almost kill her when she leans too close to me. Of course she understands, but it's my fault she has to worry at all. I should just leave her now. It's my fault!
One of our kind tries to kill her. It was a game to him; she wasn't special, not to him anyway. She was forced to leave her town for a while; she believed that he would kill her father, her mother. Everything worked out fine- we killed him, and she's ok. But it's my fault she was in any danger at all.
She's bandaged in the hospital; she cannot move without pain. Why haven't I left her yet? I love her. She loves me too- even as she lies in a hospital bed, because of me; it's always my fault.
Her birthday; it's supposed to be a happy time. Of course I push her into a crystal bowl, and my brother almost kills her. She survives, she understands. Why should she have to though? Why haven't I left her yet?
I leave finally, so she won't be in danger all the time; so she can live her life to the fullest, without worrying about somebody killing her. We both drift; empty shells of our former selves. She's in pain, constantly, because I left- my fault.
She rides motorcycles, and stalks vampires, just to hear my voice. When she's in danger, she can hear me. She may be insane, but that would be my fault, wouldn't it?
She jumps off a cliff- for recreational purposes she says later, but I'm never quite sure. At the time, my sister says she's dead-nobody saved her. Still my fault; it's always my fault.
I go to kill myself; I could never exist while she does not. She finds me; saves me- she's not dead? But then our royalty finds out about her. Now she has no choice but to become one of us, because I will not let one of us kill her. We barely make it out alive. My fault, of course.
She wants to join us; to be a monster. Maybe if I had left earlier, this would have never happened. Maybe she wouldn't waste away without me. Maybe she wouldn't want to lose her soul. My fault.
She met a new friend while I was gone- a dangerous new friend. She wants to be with him too, but it's too dangerous. He's an enemy, but it makes her sad to be away from him. If I had never left, she wouldn't have wanted him around as much as she does. It's my fault that she's sad.
She sneaks out to see him, and almost kills herself to do it. If I had permitted her to go, she wouldn't have to sneak away. My fault.
She comes back, in tears. Better off dead, than like them, her friend said. She's heartbroken that he feels like that. If only I had stayed away, or never left! My fault.
The he kisses her. I knew it was coming- I knew he loved her. She doesn't feel the same way, luckily. She punches him, but breaks her hand. She shouldn't have to hurt herself like that; I'm supposed to be there for her. My fault.
We're not sure who, but another one of our kind sneaks into her room. What if she was home? I've put her in so much danger; it's my fault.
The intruder stole her clothes, so others could find her. She's in so much danger! What can I do though? How can I make her safe? It's my fault she's like this at all!
She's so scared; so scared. Not just for herself, but her family and friends. My family and I are doing all we can, but is it enough? This is all my fault!
An army comes for her, to kill her. It was so close! We almost won, but we were found. I have to fight for her, and I will, gladly. But it's my fault she's in so much danger.
She thinks I'm losing, when I'm not. She goes to sacrifice herself, so I can live. She has it backwards! I should be the one to die, it's not like my life means anything. I don't have a soul; I live a stolen life. I have to stop her from killing herself before its too late. It's my fault she thinks she has to help anyway. If I wasn't here, she'd be safe.
The royalty find her again. Time is running out, but she's made her decision. She wants to be with me, forever. She wants to give up her life for me. Somebody so pure, so good, deserves better than me. It's my fault she wants this.
The marriage was beautiful, but the reception was ruined for her. Her friend showed up, for what he thought was the last time. She didn't realize she was hurting him until it was too late. He almost killed her then, by accident. I told her he was dangerous! She wouldn't listen; she's upset that she upset him. He's right though- what am I doing? Why am I going to do this to her? It's my fault that she's going to die.
If it can go wrong, it will. She gets pregnant, and the fetus is too strong. It's killing her, right before my eyes. She's going to die. It's my fault! Always my fault!
I remember my sister's predictions. She will join, or die by me. I wasn't expecting that to mean she would die by my child, my child that's killing her. It's my spawn that sucks her life. My fault.
Her friend shows up- he's heard that we're back, and wants to kill us. He finds out about her pregnancy, and it makes him angrier. I deserve to die for killing her. I agree, I've always agreed. His accusation is haunting me. My promise is broken; I've hurt her again and again. Now I cannot deny what he says, what I've known since I met her, and now especially, when she's dying.
My fault.
So that's it, I guess. I would really like to know what everybody thinks: a review is a great way to do that (hint, hint). I accept anonymous reviews, so don't let not having an account be an excuse to not review.
Stay Vamptastic!
~Moql