Chapter One
"Jacob! Jacob! Where are you? I've got something for you!"
I heard her voice like an angel beaconing me to heaven. She pulled me from my sea shore playground quite often with the sweet melody of her voice and I would always run, run to her. Even today, though the sun was caressing me with fingers of warmth as it brushed and tickled my back. Even though the white gulls with black tipped wings were singing their serenade just for me. Even though the sand felt nice under my bare feet, cool at first, then warm and hot as I moved away from the waters edge.
"Coming momma! Coming!"
"There you are. What's my little man doing?"
"I was down at the beach. I found a crab and this pretty shell. Do you want it?"
"Oooo. This one is pretty. Can I have it?"
"Sure momma. I got it for you."
"Well, little man. Come inside and see what I have for you. Let's hurry before your sisters get home."
"Mmm. It smells yummy in here. Whatcha baking?"
"I made cookies just for you. Help me take them out of the oven."
"My favorite, chocolate chip. Can I try one now?"
"No silly. They'll burn your sweet little mouth. We have to let the cool, for just a bit. But you can lick the spoon, if you want?"
"Can I? Can I? Mmm. This is good. Are the cookies cool yet?"
"Let me get you a glass of milk, then you can sit down and eat one. Okay?"
"Thanks momma. You're the best. RaeRae and Becka will be mad that I got one first, but I don't care. You like me best. Don't you momma?"
"Sh, sh. You know that's our secret little man."
"Don't worry momma. I won't tell anybody."
"Cookies. Cookies. Mom. Where are you? I need you mom. I need you."
There's nothing as comforting as a mother's arms wrapped around you and her warm reassuring smile. A smile for her little man, but she wasn't here now, she couldn't help me. No one could. I had to face the fact that I was a real man now and with that realization; came the agony of life. Everything I wanted–needed, was just out of my reach. Almost able to touch it with my fingertips, then it would inch away, slowly.
"Jake. Jake. Don't move. It's me. Dr. Cullen. You need to lay very still, while I look at your injuries."
"What happened doc? Did we get all of 'em? Are they all gone now?"
"Yes. The newborns have all been taken care of. We could not have accomplished it without the help of you and the pack. We are forever grateful Jacob. Now this is going to hurt, but I have to move your arm."
"Oh crap that hurts! Stop! Stop!"
"Sam. Can you and some of the others come in here and hold him? I have to re-brake his arm and leg. They have already set in the wrong position."
"Are you sure that's necessary Cullen?"
"Yes Sam. It has to be done, or he will never be the same. He started healing before he transformed and the bones were in the wrong position."
I remember them laying their hands on me and every finger tip hurt like hell. I tried to scream them away from me as Dr. Cullen started breaking me up inside. Then it all went hazy as I faded back, back to my mom baking cookies for me when I was a kid. I liked it here. There was no pain, no heart break just me and my mom and the cookies.
"Jake. Can you hear me? It's me, your dad. Hey. Can you hear me?"
The bright colors of my memory faded with the sound of his voice, bringing me back to the cold grey reality of the world that I now lived in, suffered in. I opened my mouth, but it felt dry like it was full of cotton. I tried to lick my lips and coax the moisture to coat my mouth, but there was none.
In a hoarse whisper, I tried to force an answer. "Dad how long have I been out?"
"Son, it's been two days since you came home. You were really starting to worry me. How do you feel?"
"It hurts, but I'll survive. I've felt worse and those pains didn't leave scars on the outside."
"What are you talking about son?"
"Nothing dad. Have you...have you heard from B....Bella?"
Saying her name, hurt me almost as badly as the broken bones inside of me. I knew now that she was engaged to the sorry bloodsucker. But, I still had a tiny ember of hope that she.... What was I thinking? Did it matter that she let me kiss her this time? Did it matter that she and I shared, in that brief moment a lifetime of love? The way she felt against my chest, the taste of her lips on mine, the feeling of her relaxing into me and letting herself feel me, for once. Did any of that matter?
"Yeah son, she has wanted to come see you every day, but Sam and I told her to wait. You needed to start healing first and rest."
"Dad. I need to see her," I said, as I tried to move, so I could get up.
That wasn't such a good idea though. Sharp pains radiated down the left side of my body and sent waves of nausea washing over me. The braces were tight as they restrained me and held me together.
"Easy there. Easy. You're not going anywhere, not for at least a week, maybe longer. Dr. Cullen's orders. You have to keep those bones still, so you will heal up left. You do want to walk again? Don't you?"
"Yeah. I think I'll just lay here for a while. Dad. Can I have a glass of water? Please?"
He left me, there in the shadows of my lonely room with nothing but my thoughts. I closed my eyes and I could see her. I saw the outline of her small, delicate face smiling at me, so I smiled back. Her deep brown eyes looked into mine without tears this time. In my head there were no tears, only tenderness and love. The love, I longed so desperately for her to feel for me.
"Hey. You okay? How can you smile like that when you are in such bad shape?"
"Oh, it must be the drugs, making me feel things. The doc told me he was pumping me full of them so I wouldn't feel any pain. He did a good job, I feel like I'm floating on air," I lied.
"Well, don't go getting used to that son. You'll be back up and running in no time. Jake. I.....I just wanted to say......um....I've missed you."
"I've missed you too, dad. Thanks."
I raised up, as best as I could, took the glass of water with my good hand, and drank. It felt so good as it eased down my parched throat and washed the cotton away from my mouth. Then I settled back down and drifted off to sleep.
"Jacob! Time for bed. You know you have to get some sleep so you will grow to be big and strong like your daddy."
"But momma."
"No little man. No protests. It's off to bed."
"Momma will you sing my song tonight? Please?"
"Okay. Let me tuck you in. Now is that better? Close your eyes and I will sing. Keep those eyes closed. 'Godspeed little man, sweet dreams little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings, Godspeed sweet dreams. Godspeed sweet dreams.' Now you go to sleep and I will see you in the morning.
"Goodnight momma. I love you."
Warm, soft, wet, skin, filled my right palm. I stirred and peered down at her head nestled against my side, where she lay with her face in my hand. The light played with the color of her hair and I saw red tints in it as it glistened when I moved slightly to get a better look at her.
'How long had she been here,' I thought to myself? I didn't want her to move, I just wanted to be near her for as long as I could.
Slowly, she sighed and pulled her head up to look at me. Her beautiful face was streaked with white and red lines, where the tears had trailed down, pooling into my palm.
"Jake. Hey. How are....how do you feel," she whispered, with a raspy but soft voice?
"You came Bella. I'm glad you came."
Then neither of us spoke for the longest time. We simply looked into each others eyes, our gazes locked on the others, as if we were searching our souls or each others for answers. Finally, I closed my eyes and pushed my head deeper into my pillow. She gasped as I drew the curtains closed to my thoughts, like she needed to keep the connection open, so I could understand what she was feeling.
"Jake. I don't know what I would have done if...if...you hadn't come back to me. I don't think I could have survived," she said, as she began to sob. I opened my eyes and reached out to touch her face.
"Bella honey. I told you I would come back. Didn't I?"
She scooted closer to me on the bed, and placed her hand over mine as I held her cheek.
"Jake. I don't want you to hurt anymore, because of me. I can feel the pain seeping out of you and seeing you here, like this, weak and vulnerable, it just breaks my heart. And it's all because of me. I've done this to you."
"Bella. This was an accident. If Leah...."
"No. Jake. I'm not talking about you physically. Well, I am, but I mean.... I've done this to you. The one person who took me from broken to almost repaired. I have broken you and I can't stand it. To see you like this."
"Oh. Bella. Why didn't you see what was in front of you? It would have been so easy."
I turned to look away from her. I didn't want her to see the tears forming in my eyes. I wanted to be strong, not just for her, but for myself.
"I know. It would have been."
When she spoke, I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. She turned her gaze to the window, where light was faintly filtering into the tiny room. She opened her mouth, hesitated for a moment, then spoke just barely above a whisper. Her voice sounded like the gentle breeze that brushes through the leaves of the trees in the forest on a spring day.
"You are part of me now. You touched me, with your kindness and love, so enchanted. Your soft lips are kind. Your eyes glow with life. I'm glad you touched me. You're part of me now."
I reached out and took a tear drop from her scalded cheek, then took one from mine, pressing them together. I placed my two fingers, still holding the mingled tears into her hand.
"When I was little and would cry, my mom would wipe a tear away and tell me 'I'm gonna put this tear in my pocket for another day'. That's what I want you to do Bella. Put these tears, mine and yours away for another day. You can know that whatever happens you–we, will have the memories of the times we shared together. Memories of the love we shared and the tears we shed."
"Oh Jake. How can I say goodbye? I know now that you are a part of me, I only wish I had known it sooner. Why, why, why does this have to be so hard," she sobbed, as she shoved her face into the sheets of my bed.
I ran my hand over her hair, smoothing it, as the trembles from her sobs shook me. It hurt as she jarred my broken body, but nothing hurt like the gaping whole that was tearing through my heart. I guess I knew now how she had felt all those months while he was gone. It's strange that it was ending like this now, with the role reversal. But maybe, maybe it wasn't ending. I had seen a twinge of doubt cloud her eyes.
"Bells. Look at me. Hey. Look at me," I said softly, trying to get her to raise her head.
When she did, the torment in her eyes met that of what I felt in my chest. I still wasn't sure if what I had seen was real or just my imagination, so I was reaching, reaching for something more concrete to hold onto.
"You'll figure it all out. I know you will. You know what is best for you, here in your heart," I said, placing my hand on her chest.
She grabbed it and held it there, as if she wanted me to reach in and pull it out and say it belonged to me now, and there would be nothing she could do. But it wasn't that easy. She had to figure this out on her own.
Bending down, she hovered above my lips for a moment, then slowly, softly she kissed me. I felt our love course through me, one last time.
"I'm not going to say goodbye Jake. I just can't, not right now. Is that all right with you?"
"Sure, sure. I understand. I'll be here for a while, if you need to come back and talk."
That was the truth, so I might as well throw the idea out there, hoping she would catch on. Even if I had wanted to run, I couldn't, not yet anyway.
"I...love... you Jacob Black. You get better soon. Okay."
"I love you too, Bells. I'll see you around. Okay."
She shook her head, to indicate 'yes' then closed her eyes, as she slowly pulled my hand away from her chest, and lay it gently on my bed. Touching it one last time, she stood up, and walked out of my room.
As she closed the door, a part of me knew I was probably losing her, but I'd done everything I could.