Chapter 1

Santana never planned this. She never wanted to be this person or to do the things she was doing, but shit happens. Life fucks you over and you just have to find ways to deal with it sometimes.

It all started six months ago, though some people could argue that it was the cause of something that happened years ago. But Santana didn't like thinking about that or about why she did what she did. In her mind it started six months ago and there was no cause or reason, it just was.

It was an accident, a miscommunication, a result of drinking too much. A mistake.

But it was a mistake that she had kept making time and time again. A mistake that she no longer thought of as a mistake. It was now just something that she did, something that was a part of her. Sometimes it scared her, how easily she did it and how attached to it she felt. She often wondered if she would ever be able stop or if she was destined to do this and be this for the rest of her life. However, that was another thing she didn't like thinking about and so whenever those thoughts entered her mind she chased them away. Usually with a drink.

Nobody knows about it and that is the way Santana likes it. She can't have anybody knowing because if they did then she would have to deal with the questions and the disapproval and the sympathy and Santana hates that. She doesn't want some person pretending that they care just because they know how much shit she is in or how fucked up she is. She just wants to be left alone and deal with it by herself, like she has done all her life.

Well that's what she likes to make herself believe. If she was completely honest with herself then she would just accept that in reality she is desperate for someone to know. She craves to tell someone about what is going on and how she feels and what she has become. But there is no one to tell.

Sure she has Brittany, and she is thankful for her every day. She loves Brittany with every piece of her heart. Brittany is and always will be her best friend. She is forever there for Santana and she never judges her or thinks badly of her or tries to change her. But even Brittany doesn't know about this, she can't know about it. Santana isn't sure if she doesn't ever tell Brittany in order to protect herself or to protect Brittany. She thinks it's more about protecting Brittany as she knows that telling the girl probably wouldn't actually cause Santana any harm as Brittany would never change the way she behaves around Santana and she would never lecture her or think badly of her. So telling Brittany would probably actually be okay, except she really doesn't want to have to do that to her best friend.

You see Brittany is kind of a special person. Some may say that she is dumb or naïve or weak, that she needs to be treated differently and like a child but that's not how Santana sees it. She knows that Brittany is clever; sure she may not be clever in a book smart, straight A student kind of way but nobody knows more about cats or ducks than Brittany. Nobody dances the way Brittany does. Nobody can read emotions like Brittany can. Brittany is a genius in her own way and she is also really fucking brave and strong, so that isn't why Santana doesn't tell Brittany. It has more to do with the fact that Brittany is pure. She is someone who only sees the best in people and she sees all the love in the world and none of the hate. She believes in magic and Santa Claus and leprechauns. She thinks that animals can talk and so she has conversations with them. Brittany is basically everything good in this miserable stinking world and Santana doesn't want to tarnish that. She doesn't want to ruin Brittany's purity and optimism. And so she doesn't tell her.

And telling anyone else is totally out of the question. Quinn is her only other friend and there is no way she could ever tell little miss Christian about what she gets up to. Quinn is a good person and she knows that she will always have her back but she also knows that her upbringing and her beliefs and her parents would prevent her from really being any help or relief for Santana and so she doesn't tell her either.

As for everyone else in Glee, well they aren't really her friends. Sure they always talk about how they are a family and they love each other but Santana knows the truth, she knows that it's all lies and that none of them actually care about her or anyone else really. Finn doesn't care about Artie and Mercedes doesn't care about Rachel and Kurt doesn't care about Mike and Quinn doesn't care about and Blaine and Santana doesn't care about any of them, except Brittany and Quinn of course. So for all the talk about loving each other and accepting each other, Santana damn sure knows that there is no way in hell she could ever tell them about anything in her life, especially not about this.

Maybe if she was a nicer person then she would have more friends and she could have someone who she could confide in. Or maybe if she had more attentive parents then they would notice that something wasn't right and that their daughter wasn't okay and they would figure it out and talk to her about it and hold her while she cried and they would tell her that everything was going to be okay…but that was never going to happen and Santana really has to stop fucking imaging those kind of fairy-tale scenarios. She really has to realise and accept that she is alone and she will always be alone and there will never be anyone who she can fully confide in.

That's why she doesn't say anything and she doesn't hint at anything or even think about maybe hinting something to anyone, because she knows that no good would ever come out of it. There is no one she can tell and make it be worth it in any way. So every day she puts a smile on her face and every day she acts like she has it all and her life is amazing and she is fucking happy. Every single day she wakes up and put on her mask and acts as though nothing is wrong, as though she is breaking down inside, as though her world isn't falling apart and her life has no meaning.

She pretends that she drinks for the fun of it, but in reality she drinks to block everything out. She pretends that the insults from her peers don't affect her, when in reality they make her believe that she is worthless. She pretends that she doesn't care that her parents are never home, when in reality it makes her cry herself to sleep every night.

She pretends that she doesn't go out at night to have sex with random men for money, when it reality that is exactly what she does.

Please leave reviews as they will motivate me to write more.

This is my first ever Pezberry fanfic and my second fanfic ever so go easy on me, but at the same time please give me some constructive criticism.