Author's Notes: I switched it up and made a crack fic, off one of the prompts at the kink meme. Prompt:"Crack. Someone in the party, gets a hold of a vuvuzela."
"Where are we?" Lightning wondered as one moment they were on Pulse, teleporting to the metropolis known as Eden; the next they were...in front of a stadium. What the fuck was going on here, this was definitely NOT Eden. Nor Kansas, wherever the hell that was.
Before she can search for answers, a crowd of people were shoving her off from behind. "What the-", and in true Lightning fashion, she pulled back her arm for some epic punching when-
"Hey, hats for sale! HATS, GET YO HATS HERE!" Her beautiful, flawless pink hair was now sporting a tall, glaringly red, white, and blue hat. With stars. With goddamn stars. It was totally cramping her style. She liked her colors neutral: white, beige, brown. That was it. Oh, and the cape too.
"Look, I don't want your hat-" but she was cut off...by a loud buzzing from her ear. It was worse than those damn insects at Sunleth. Wait, she never went to-
"Hey sis!" Can her day get any worse? Turning around she saw Snow...with some kind of horn. Ahh, so that is what made that dreadful noise. Fucking hell, it was worse than what Snow usually spews out. And it was Snow...with the damned instrument.
Fuck her life; why did Serah choose this idiot again?
"Where did you get it?"
"I bought it sis, how else?" He smiled and blew on the horn again. No, this was a horrible scenario. Her ears would much prefer nails on a chalkboard one hundred times in unison than this incessant junk. Stop. STOP IT.
"Get that outta my face, Snow!" She punched the flare of the horn just as Snow blew into the instrument. It sounded like it was dying with the force of a hundred flyswatters aiming for the lone mosquito.
"Hey what was that for?" Snow huffed, coughing when his breath was stuck in his throat. Oh Maker, he was choking. He sputtered, "Sis do something," as he sounded like hacking a lung out.
Fucking hell. With hat still mysteriously on her head, cramping her style, Lightning went around him and started the Heimlich maneuver.
A huff, a puff, but Snow didn't blow the people down. He did get better though.
Finally clenching her hat, she threw it back to the vendor. "I don't want it!" She screamed, and tried to turn towards the opposite direction, but she got pulled back. On the cape. On the fucking cape. Nobody messed with the cape.
Veins were popping on her forehead, as she turned around once more. 'If it was Snow again, she will castrate him for the offense,' she thought, but it wasn't.
It was Hope and Vanille. Unfortunately, being the two cutest in the party, Lightning cannot mar their faces with her epic punches of justice, so she had to settle for eye-lazering the both of them with a glare of doom. Yes, it promised agonizing torture, painful interrogation...and spanking. That was for free.
The two, despite the emo-ing and angst-ing back in the beginning of their long-ass journey, were too happy with their sunny disposition for the glare to have any effect. It bounced off them like a pinball which was toggled, and saved from the mysterious black hole at the bottom.
"Hey Light, guess what we just got?" Hope asked, smile on his face. Vanille was smiling too, as they both whipped out those damned instrument things. What the fuck? Did Hope have his in the same place where he stashed his boomerangs after every single battle? Or was Lightning the only sane one left?
Fuck. Her. Life.
"Oh hey, you guys have one too! Why don't we go in," and Snow pointed to the stadium.
"Can we go-"
"Yea I wanna go~~"
"No," Lightning cut them off. "We don't have time for this..." she trailed off when Hope, Vanille...and Snow? were making crying puppy faces. OH DEAR MAKER. Not the crying puppy look.
She sighed. She lost when she let Hope into her innermost feelings back in Gapra. Anything to make him happy...except for...you know, ithat/i. Dear readers, you must know what that implied. She firmly denied being a pedobear. She wasn't Snow, that was for damn sure.
"Fine," she grunted, and said no more. They all cheered in response. However, where was Fang and Sazh?
But she didn't voice out her thoughts, as she was dragged into the stadium (magically with tickets too) by those three.
"Hats! GET YO HATS NOW!" The vendor cried out as more people went in. The game was starting.
She should've expected this many fans. But somehow, after running from the Sanctum for so long, she didn't. And besides, she lived in Bodhum, and nothing ever happened in Bodhum. She was wrong about that too.
And...she was wearing a jersey. It was red, and strikingly suited her, for she was a pink haired warrior sans cape. They held the cape hostage after luring her in with those damned puppy eyes.
And those fucking horns. Blaring everywhere, people with face-paint, looking as if they were about to go to war (they might've; this was a sports arena after all), screaming, yelling, snack munching, kissing...sexing? Now that was going too far.
Lightning put her hand to her forehead. She was getting a migraine, and those horns, whatever the fuck they were called, were the cause of it. It did not help that she was surrounded by idiots tooting the same horn.
...What did she ever do to deserve this? Even Sazh and Fang joined in on the fun, eagerly awaiting the game to start, and placing bets. But Lightning was confused at that part; how the hell did they know which team are playing? What, did they both read newspapers in the dark while the whole party was traveling, and fought over the sports section?
Now that she thought about it, those two were spending an awful lot of time together with Vanille...
"BZZT BZZT. They're coming out!" Hope screamed after blowing on that...thing. Now Lightning was stuck between Hope and Snow, and well...that was easy. She punched Snow out of reflex as the noise kept growing.
"Ow! THEY'RE HERE!" The blonde idiot said.
"Who will win? Team Cocoon or Team Pulse?" The flashing sideboard flickered and set the outline to keep score. 'What the-', Lightning thought, as she distinctly remembered that there were no people on Pulse that they have encountered. In fact, it was a dead planet for civilization, so how can that be-
"Oi. It's Gran Pulse to you!" Fang huffed, as she whipped out her own instrument and blared in time with the other. Lightning felt oddly alone, even Fang had one? No, wait, soldiers don't feel alone. They don't feel anything! Looking out at the field, Lightning saw white uniforms and black uniforms in the middle. Guess she was with Cocoon's team, after all, which was partly why Fang was shooting her a dirty look as they found her and Sazh in their seats, shouting "Cocoon!" and "Gran Pulse!" at the top of their lungs.
Good fucking Maker, Cocoon's goalkeeper was a little girl while Gran Pulse's was a Behemoth. No, Lightning was not shitting around with the readers. The Behemoth was standing on its hind legs, with massive gloves, and it was even taller than the goal itself. And Cocoon's keeper...looked so damn small in comparison...
Wait.
Fucking hell.
No, it couldn't be. Not-
"Serah!" Snow screamed. Another punch to the face, courtesy of the soldier with the red jersey on. Goal. She snatched the horn from him.
"Serah!" Lightning cried out, as roses manifested from the sky, dropping on her hair, throwing itself on the frames of the cameras like it was a shoujo manga; her supposedly lost baby sister was here! In the flesh, and not crystallized or anywhere near Snow. Oh, how her heart fluttered at the sight!
A beat of silence.
Oh shit, why was Serah here? And a goalkeeper to boot? How does this make any sense, dear readers? Before Lightning can properly voice her indignation out, the game started. No, she had to rescue her baby sister from the clutches of...ten soccer players. And one behemoth. On the other side of the damn field.
Okay, so maybe she can wait a little. And not have an aneurysm worrying about her.
"BZZT BZZT" The sound was grating on her nerves again. Fucking hell, Snow. She turned, as he screamed out "SERAH! YOUR HERO IS RIGHT HERE!" What? Oh hell no, he was not going to be the first person she sees.
"BZZT BZZT!" Lightning tooted, the sound an aural persona of a thousand elephants stampeding over Snow's proverbial (lack of) manhood. Two can definitely play at this game. It is officially on, and the big lug isn't going to win. Not against her and her love for her sister.
...Not like that, dear readers. That's called incest.
Lightning was busy honking into the instrument that she failed to notice people were staring at her, including her companions. Even Snow was dumbstruck. What, can't she have some fun too? Or is that too normal for a brooding ex-soldier?
Death glares for all, her default way of confrontation. The next level would be straight to epic punches of justice, and they would all heed the warning. Everybody's heads turned around, staring intently at the game instead of the crazy pink-haired woman who would be blowing on the horn like a boss.
"GOAL!" The mystery announcer's voice echoed throughout the stadium. How did the ball get between the Behemoth's legs? It was a miracle, or the beast was an idiot just like Snow. She really needed to cut him some slack but she couldn't. Because once an idiot, always an idiot. Plus he cramped her style too.
"You gotta be kidding!" Some Pulsian fan shouted over the noise. Guess he was losing some kind of pool, since his face was getting redder and redder.
"Hey shut up, you got a BEHEMOTH as a fucking goalie!"
"Yea, shut up!"
"No, you shut up!"
"Get the fuck outta my face!"
Damn, it looks to be an all-out brawl brewing, Lightning mused, as her eyes were still on Serah. Upcoming migraine? Check. Human body shield, as her eyes flicked over to Snow's frame, sizing him up. He, of course, didn't notice the stare, nor the malevolent intention. Check. Whatever problems that were going to develop, Lightning had her backup. Snow might not appreciate it, but he wouldn't notice that it was Lightning's plan all along.
Best to sit back and watch. She was enjoying the entertainment, after all. She could use a break, and she bet on Cocoon earlier, unbeknownst to the other members. She had gotten some money from a treasure orb in a shady corner. Those things had their uses. If and when they magically teleport back to Eden, she was going to be a very rich woman.
"GOAL!" The announcer screamed as Cocoon scored another one, three players passing the ball between the behemoth's legs once again. And when crazed fans weren't loving the situation, they make a situation on the bleachers.
"BZZT BZZT!" The instruments wailed in unison, sending a pulse throughout the audience with their noise. First thing on Lightning's agenda? Ban all those horns to hell.
-Fin-