But, when you re a shinobi, especially a jounin not being yourself gains new meaning you give control to your inner animal, to pure instincts, which are usually suppressed by you.
But there are missions, when this animal is everything that is left of you.
Kakashi was exactly in this kind of situation. Covered in blood, his own and his enemies , with frantic speed he was passing streets.
Window. This time it was open. One obstacle less. Inside. His territory. Barely conscious human part of his mind closed the curtains, as always, and took off his mask.
He waited. Moment later door opened and a man walked inside the room. His presence, his scent made The Wolf inside Kakashi growl with satisfaction. In a blink he threw himself on a man, pinning him to the wall. The prey tried to resist for a moment, but when Kakashi s hand were moved to the man s neck, he stopped struggling, as always.
Wolf had again claimed his prey.
First time, when this kind of events took place was when Kakashi was returning from exceptionally hard mission. There were children. It s enough to be so heavy psychic burden that he gave up control and 'Wolf' took it. Instead of taking him home, it led him to this window, to someone else s room. It was dark, moonless night, so even if he wanted to, he wouldn t be able to see who was the man, who jumped out of his bed and tried to attack him with kunai in hand. But 'The Wolf' didn t come here to fight. He caught both wrists of his 'prey' and pulled it to himself. In this moment human part of his mind started to wonder what was happening and what about mask? Wolf s mind decided to concentrate on the later part and he released one wrist to take off his mask and captured it again, before prey could run away, and silenced it with brutal kiss. 'Wolf' demanded more.
When his partner lost consciousness and laid on a bed, Kakashi s senses had returned to him.
He didn t know, why this wolfish side of him led him here, he didn t even know, who laid next to him and why this man couldn t stand against 'Wolf', when it was his house ? The only thing he knew was that it was the first and the last time it happened and that he will walk out right here, right now and he won t even try to guess who his partner was.
And he did walk out. But he had returned.
At the beginning he returned only after hard missions and this he could explain his body needed contact with another body warm, alive, distracting from thoughts and memories.
He could deal with that. It evaluated into some kind of ritual: Mission, 'Wolf' takes control , window, fucking, escape.
It never changed. Neither did the fact that he didn t try to find who his partner was, and his partner didn t try to find out whom he was either.
But in time this ritual began to change. Of course he still returned to this room after hard missions, but one night while returning from B-rank with slashed arm and blood loss on the edge of losing consciousness he found himself in the window again.
Next thing he remembered was that he was forced to sit on bed and was hit with pillow.
"You idiot ! With these injuries you should be in hospital!" Shouted 'prey' ('Wolf' called him that, and 'Wolf' was part of Kakashi, so why shouldn t he call him that ?)
"How would you know how serious they are?" He asked sleepily.
"Kami ! You re senseless! I have hand on your arm, I m covered in your blood, how could I NOT KNOW?"
'Covered in your blood'. 'Wolf' enjoyed this sentence, reasons unknown to Kakashi.
"Wait, I will bring bandages " With pure reflex Kakashi caught man s wrist, before he managed to leave the room.
"Don t " He growled. He didn t want to know who his 'prey' was, and he didn t want him to know who he was. He felt no need for feelings or attachment and being anonymous guaranteed protection from them
"Che I can do it without lights on, believe me "
He knew? He felt the same ? He too preferred them to stay anonymous? Interesting .
Sudden poke in his injury made him hiss from pain.
'See ? Your body is on my side."And Kakashi let him go. Half an hour later his arm was disinfected and bandaged.
"Ok. Now you must not overuse it for about 2 weeks and it would help if you went to hospital to check it." 'Prey' was still kneeling on the floor in front of bed and was gathering his medical stuff to the box.
"Why?" The jounin asked while he was coming down from bed to kneel in front of his partner.
"Why what ?"
"Why did you help me ?"
"I .I .Well, wasn t it what you came for?" Kakashi started to wonder. Why the 'Wolf' wanted to come here? Not for sex, not in these circumstances So, why? Could it be that he knew that he would be taken care of here?
"Maybe.." He answered and loosing his control he grabbed chin of 'prey' and kissed him, but not in usual way instead of being fast, forceful, hard and brutal, this kiss was almost tender (but still in wolfish way). After this he left into the night.
In time there were more of these 'non-sexual' visits and they were mostly initiated not by 'Wolf' but Kakashi himself. Kakashi couldn t understand why he kept doing that, but he didn t even want to stop. It became some kind of addiction, and as long as he didn t question himself about his possible feelings towards his prey', he could deal with that. This time he was sitting with legs crossed and his partner was wiping blood from his back. It was only few scratches, but still I felt good to have them cleaned. He observed, that every time his wounds were treated, his partner was humming the same melody, some song he didn t know, but it had him wondering..
One night, after harder than usual mission, the moment he walked into the room and closed curtains he felt something was wrong. He took off mask. Scent His 'prey' walked into the room.. Scent! His partner had someone else s scent on him! 'Wolf' was furious.
Before man could say anything he was pinned against the wall with such a force that it made him whimper. But Kakashi couldn t care less. 'Wolf' was mad and was tearing clothing off of his 'prey'. When he was done he moved his lips to his partner s neck and started to mark it as his property.
'Mine!' Howled 'Wolf' in Kakashi s mind when he threw his partner on bed.
'Mine!' Shouted with satisfaction voice that belonged to him, or the 'Wolf' or both of them, when he was moving inside his partner.
'MINE!'
After, Kakashi couldn t catch his breath and sat up to gather his thoughts. Then he felt hands that held him from behind in his waist and head placed on his shoulder. His partner was hugging him?
"Yours " He whispered with shaking voice " Yours, only ." Kakashi felt something warm on his shoulder. Tear? 'What have I done?' Without thinking he turned and pulled his partner in tight embrace.
" I "He started, but stopped when he felt tremble from smaller man. He tried to remember what made him do this. Jealousy ? Possessiveness ? It would mean attachment and he was escaping from it!
"He just hugged me, nothing more, he s just a child " Was he so fearful and cruel? Stupid question, he practically raped his partner! But it wasn t supposed to be like that He, Kakashi allowed himself only to keep a physical bond not emotional!
But he couldn t leave it like this. He pushed gently man on pillows and then he placed his head on the same pillow and embraced man tighter.
"Forgive me " He said, against his nature and kissed his partner carefully on forehead. It wasn t long before his 'prey' was asleep in his arms. It was the first night he really regretted that he was leaving.
These events forced him to think about this whole 'relationship'. It was strange, unnatural from the beginning, but neither of them decided to end this. Honestly, he didn t think that it would change.
Every 'night visit' he observed that leaving was much harder than it was before And they ve became more tender to each other Well, he became more tender, because he could find in his memory tender gestures made by his lover ? Could he call him that? When there was no love between them? And what if it was love? Could it be, if they didn t know each other? Although he had a strong suspicion, who his partner was It was a time for answers.
When he arrived he smelled strong scent of blood. No
"What had .- He wanted to shout, wanted to know if his partner was alright.. But how could he ask if he hadn t known a name? Looking at his own panic he thought that calling his partner 'lover' was the only right way to call him He couldn t lose, him, he couldn t .
"Nothing serious "He heard the voice from doors. Second after he was next to him, hugging him and kissing sweetly... Strangely for himself, he felt happy.
"What happened?"
"Mission Couldn t dodge everything" In this moment Kakashi felt on his fingers that were placed on his lover s back, warm liquid. Blood.
"You re wounded! I will treat it and "
"Don t." He heard and the he felt a finger on his lips, signal for him to be quiet. But he didn t intend to be.
"Why ?"
"Because it will make me feel like you care. It will destroy our anonymity, and "
"I do care! The only thing that I don t care about now is anonymity!"
"Why ?"
"I won t let you die before I do." He didn t know what brought up this sentence, but he felt it was true. And the wound was huge He heard his lover s gasp and then laugh.
"How ironic "
"Let me." Interrupted Kakashi.
"It will ruin everything we had till now!"
"No. It will make it stronger " Indeed, how ironic! He had his answer. It was love, all along . But they were both afraid of it and they thought that it will ruin this strange connection they had until now.
He heard his lover sigh as he took off his shirt and Kakashi started to wander with his fingers on the back of wounded man. The wound was big, but not deep. He managed to clean it up and bandage it quickly. But he had to confirm something. And Gotcha! Long scar from shuriken!
"Iruka " He whispered tenderly, caressing the scar.
"Took you long enough for a Copy-nin"
"I suspected it was you.. How long did you know? "
"I suspected from the beginning. I was sure after this night when you came to me with this wound on your shoulder. What gave me away?"
"Skin. Scent. Voice I started to notice you very often after this started."
Silence And then
"You re not escaping?"
"Why should I? I heard love was terrifying, but I don t feel frightened."
"Love?"
"If it s not love, then I don t know what is. My mind seemed to know this all along; it was me who was a little slow. Yes, Iruka, love. But what do you feel? " He asked, when Iruka buried his face in his shoulder, obviously crying.
"Idiot" Muttered the chuunin " I was in love with you since the beginning. I figured it out when you went mad after you smelled Konohamaru from me "
"I m sorry "
"Don t be. When I look at it from time distance, it was charming in some wicked way."
"Masochist."
"Possessive idiot. " They both laughed.
"Can I stay till morning?" Asked Kakashi when he flew curtains open. The pale light of moon was spread across the room. Iruka looked beautiful, with still not dried tears running down his cheek.
"I think you have to.." Said Iruka and pecked him on cheek. " So I can sleep well."He turned and walked to lay on bed. With happy sigh, Kakashi followed after him.
He was awoken by the noise. He opened his eye. No Iruka. He jumped out of the bed. He run down the stairs to the kitchen, the source of noise. He found Iruka making pancakes? With only sweatpants on , chuunin looked stunning to say the least. But what caught Kakashi s attention was melody Iruka was humming. It again ! It was played on the CD player that was standing on a table.
"What the name of this song ?" He asked, hugging Iruka from behind.
His lover smiled and set up song again
The night opens her lap The child's name is loneliness It is cold and motionless I cry softly into time I don't know what your name is But I know that you exist I know that sometime someone will love me He comes to me every night No words are left to say With his hands around my neck I close my eyes and pass away I don't know who he is In my dreams he does exist His passion is a kiss And I can not resist I wait here Don't die before I do I wait here Don't die before I do I don't know who you are I know that you exist Don't die Sometimes love seems so far I wait here Your love I can't dismiss I wait here All the houses are covered in snow And candle light in the windows They lie there together And I I only wait for you I wait here Don't die before I do I wait here Don't die before I do I don't know who you are I know that you exist Don't die Sometimes love seems so far I wait here Your love I can't dismiss Don't die before I do - Well Sounds familiar, ne? THE END
The song is by Rammstein and is called Stirb nich vor mir/ Don t die before I do and half of it is in German and half in English. This is English translation, not by me.