Hey guys. I'm sorry if you read the first ch that was up before this. but this is my real chapter one. yet again im really sorry.

But hey everyone. as you know this is a divergent ff. This will be pretty dramatic and maybe a little depressing. it will only have a few chapters enjoy

i don't own divergent, that's miss Roth's wonderful work:)

CH ONE:

Tris sits on her bed. Alone for another one of those sleepless nights. See had to get her own apartment after the Dauntless returned from the war. Tris would have stayed with Tobias, however considering she betrayed him and he didn't forgive her, she needed to find her own home. The apartment is identical to his, causing a pain that she couldn't shake. The memories she had with him were the best and the worst she had ever experienced and the apartment only kept them fresh on her mind.

All of the things that she had done and that had been done to her had made a permanent impression on her; molding who she was now, and that wasn't much. Everything had been going wrong ever since initiation ended. Tris silently makes a list in her head of all the things that make her life unbearably: she killed Will, she was selfish, she was a murderer, she didn't deserve what she had, she messed up all the relationships that have ever mattered to her, she completely betrayed the only man she loved, she doesn't forgive him for him not forgiving her. And there are so many more, every one adding pain of different weights to her shoulders. And she couldn't hold it anymore.

She has tried so many time to talk to Tobias, write him a letter, to communicate in some way with him but she has never found the courage to. However Tobias hasn't made any moves either. There have been so many apologies that have been written signed Tris, that have been sealed only to be ripped and thrown in the trash.

There had been so many decisions that should have been different and they were all her fault. She could not bear being the cause of all the anguish in her life it was too much to take. Everything was too much to take.

As these thoughts press through her mind, Tris falls to the ground, shaking. These panic attacks have been coming more often and have become harder to calm herself out of. Everything builds up making an impenetrable wall, separating her from rational thought. Sobs wrack through her body, jolting her forward with force. She jolts up. She knows what she will do next. It is the only thing that could take her out of this hell.

~(0)~

Tobias wakes up, taking a shaky breath. He reaches around the bed searching for a person who isn't there.

There have been so many things that have gone wrong. Tris being the worst. He can't believe what she did, however Tobias' love for her is still strong, he can't imagine it ever fading. The only thing that keeps him down on earth is the thought that they might someday get better. He knows there is no one else for him, and he can't believe that they have been so distant, and part of that is his fault. The only reason he hasn't gone to her apartment and begged for her to come back to him is his pride. He hopes that's the only reason keeping her from coming back as well.

The pain in his chest is unbearable, however the only thing that could ever numb his pain would be Tris. At this point he makes the decision he should have made weeks ago. He will go to her apartment, but in the morning, not wanting to wake her up. He will bring flowers and chocolate cake, that has always made her happier. Tobias can only hope she will accept his apology.

He falls back to sleep better than he has since Tris was in his arms.

~(0)~

Tris walks from her room, with shoes barley making a noise on the cement floor. She turns so many ways, her mind wandering somewhere no where near the Dauntless compound. Somewhere that might not even exist.

There is no one out to see her as she makes her way through the pit and up to the pire. She opens the door to exit the compound the cold night air, wrapping around her encasing her in it's cold embrace.

She makes her way to the train tracks, not once looking back at the life she will soon leave behind. Thoughts of all that have gone wrong in her life play through her mind, like a movie. This movie however will not have a happy ending.

There is only one thought that slows her walk. What if. What if she had apologized? What if Tobias had forgiven her? What if the war had not come and destroyed everyone's life? These answers are mostly easy: Tris and Tobias would be happy, together, thinking of someday getting married. But what if is not real. And what is real is unbearable.

With the cold air acting as a sedative towards her body, her thoughts have finally started to slow. Stepping on the tracks she hears the sound and feels the vibrations of an oncoming train. Everything in her mind is turned off, she is numb. Her body unconsciously turns facing the side the train is not coming from. She slinks down sitting cross legged as she often did during her time she spent with her family in Abnegation after dinner. But they are gone. These new thoughts come to Tris, making her bend over; another panic attack. The thought of her mothers sacrifice for Tris' own life hurts, now more than ever because Tris is so willingly giving her life away. Her father, had no good reason to die, however it was also for Tris' life. Caleb however, Caleb's betrayal fuels the fire Tris used to get herself where she is. Caleb's betrayal was just one of the things weighing her down, making it too much to take. Tobias crosses her mind as well, a man she had hoped would become family. He has caused her so much pain, along with love, but that love seemed to always come at a price. Another weight.

Tris' hands are surrounding the rails holding her body in place as her mind drifts away, finally clearing. Within seconds the train makes impact with her body, finally giving her relief from everything that was just too much to take.

Okay guys that was the real 1st chapter. i hope you liked that it was in 3rd person. i thought it was fine. please review and tell me what you think I'll probably finish the 2nd chapter later today so I will probably update it late tonight. thank you so much for putting up with my weird story posting ways, i hope you liked it. and if you've read my other story im sure your thinking ' are you some crazy person obsessed with hitting tris with trains?" well good thing that answer is no although it may seem like it :)...

well i hoped you liked it! Anna