Celestial Office Party

Hello all, Black-Librarian Skirath here. Here is a new little story involving many of the gods of the Warhammer 40k universe. I was originally going to upload it all in one massive part but due to its ever growing size Im going to divide it into two or three chapters. I'm trying to stick to the fluff as much as possible but I'de like to remind the puritans out there that this is a PARODY, so no angry emails please. I'm glad my last upload got so popular, and as a result of it I'll be making my stories a lot more high quality. More jokes and less spelling errors. Feel free to leave reviews; I always appreciate hearing some feedback.

"Nurgle hurry up! The party is in thirty minutes and we still gotta pick up Khorne and Slaanesh!" Tzeentch yelled out as he waited outside Nurgle's room. It wasn't often that Tzeentch was allowed to enter Nurgle's domain, they were conflicting aspects of Chaos after all. But on a day such as today exceptions were made.

In truth thirty minutes was more than enough time for the Gods to meet and go to their intended destination, but Tzeentch couldn't stand Nurgle's home. His mansion laid at the epicenter of the massive jungle of pestilence and rot that comprised his realm. Tzeentch had once travelled through Nurgle's realm on the backs of a thousand living discs. Through that excursion he was swarmed by biting insects that showed no acknowledgement of distinction between mortal, daemon, and god; he was sprayed in the face by the spores of violently active fungus stalks more forceful and annoying then any woman working in the perfume department; and through the sound of swamp gas explosions and buzzing arthropods he had heard the chants, hymns, and drum beats of plague bearers. Although in retrospect Nurgle's realm wasn't so bad; whenever Tzeentch went to Khorne's domain he got shot at by daemonic cannons and he could never leave his drinks unattended in Slaanesh's home for fear of something being mixed into it. The smell though was becoming more then he could bear.

"Chill your pants Tzeentch I'm brushing my teeth!" Nurgle said in a more gurgled speech pattern than usual.

"Since when do you brush your teeth? You're the Lord of Rot for Warp's sake!"

"Sshhtt tthha wwwrp up pnssy ahs!" Nurgle clearly had something in his mouth, but he still couldn't imagine that it was a tooth brush.

"Just speed it up! I don't need to tell you how showing up late will negatively affect our image." Tzeentch began to walk around, his clawed feet leaving scratch marks in the worn-out shag carpeting. He was in the colossal main living room of Nurgle's dilapidated manor. While the estate was a decaying pustule that stood out for its grotesqueness, even in a seemingly endless land of death and rot, it still held a bizarre form of beauty. The front gardens were filled with the widest variety of fungi in the Warp or the material realm. Glowing mushrooms of varying shapes and sizes seemed all the brighter due to the perpetual darkness caused by the swarm clouds, and crawling lichens formed such interesting and peculiar shapes that they were works of art greater than even the most creative mind could imagine.

To the uneducated, casual observer the interior of the estate was a bleak and somewhat scary place, but those people usually view the glass as half empty. The walls were covered in a yellowed wall paper that was covered in molds of various shades that created various decorative patterns in hues of green, red, brown, and a brighter pus like yellow.

Finally becoming so tired of standing Tzeentch went over to the couch towards the end of the room. The couch was a large and derelict, a large butt print covered in congealed slime and mucus indicated Nurgle's favorite spot. Tzeentch sat down on the left side of it putting his feet up on the rickety coffee table in front of him. On the center of the table was Nurgle's portable crock pot, a gift he received from Slaanesh three millennia ago for his birthday. He used this to work on his plagues and afflictions when he was travelling or was just too lazy to stand up while working at his cauldron. On the opposite wall there was a mammoth, flat screen television. Tzeentch was the one who convinced Nurgle to get said TV; Nurgle had originally been opposed to replacing his old Toshiba. A couple years back the Lord of Change and Sire of Stagnation butted heads quite a few times on the subject, but Tzeentch finally managed to convince his brother. The next day he got the 250in customized Warptech plasma screen; what would the Gods of Chaos do without the Dark Mechanicum. Tzeentch flipped it on and began channel surfing. He slowly listed the names of the shows and movies he saw; All My Spawn, So You Want to be a Daemon Prince, The Eldritch and The Restless, Pirates of the Maelstrom, Slaaneshi for the Straight Guy, The Space Hulk, Everybody Loves Lucius, Two and a Half Horrors, Cultist, Sex and the Hive, The Real Housewives of the Empyrean, Family Daemon, How I Met Your Essence of Chaos, and bla bla bla…

He sighed. "Damn… there's never anything good on nowadays."

"Why not check whats on demand?" said a gentle female voice.

Tzeentch began looking around, nervously trying to find the source of the voice. "Who the warp just said that? I'm the God of Sorcery so if you're here to kill Nurgle I'm not him!"

"If I could kill Nurgle I would have done it a long time ago…" the voice said.

Tzeentch turned around to find a beautiful female trapped in a cage. He gasped at this glowing creature. The contrast between her putrid surroundings and her own radiance was astounding. Her pale skin was unblemished, and her long hair as dark as obsidian rock. She appeared almost human to Tzeentch's eye, but she was so much more slender then any human he had met before. She wore an immaculate white robe that glowed with a light of benign purity. He quickly knew what type of being he was looking at. "You're an eldar goddess?"

"Aren't you the smart one…"

"W-what are you… how long have you been here? I've been here millions of times before and I never noticed you."

"You tend to ignore things that don't concern you. Which honestly surprises me, I thought you were suppose to be the scholar of the Idiot Gods…"

"Hey! You have a very caustic personality! Who the warp are you anyway?"

"My name is Isha…"

"Isha… oh the Goddess of Healing, erm… now I remember you. I thought Slaanesh killed you after he/she was born."

"The hermaphrodite abducted me after it killed most of the other Eldar Gods…"

"Oh. Hmm, then how did you…"

"You could say that Nurgle was my knight in rusted, slimy armor. He came to my rescue with his rotting hordes and brought me here to keep Slaanesh from finding me."

"I guess that explains why he never invites Slaanesh here…"

"Yep."

"So why the cage?" Tzeentch asked in a slightly confused tone.

"Nurgle has trust issues…"

"Well I knew that."

Finally Nurgle burst open the door to his bathroom, a place of great horror and smell. He was wearing a slimy black suit that seemed tight on his massive girth, he also had a cane. "Ok I'm ready."

Tzeentch peeked into Nurgle's restroom to see that his 'tooth brush' was actually a large stick with steel wool on one end with dead skin wrapped around it and smothered with what appeared to be waste. "That's unsettling… erm. Nurgle, why is the Eldar Goddess of Healing in a cage in your mansion?"

Nurgle gasped. "Isha, why did you let him notice you! You remember what we talked about don't you? It's not safe to let the others know you're here!"

"Honestly Nurgle it's kind of sad they haven't noticed me before. I know you want to protect me and I think that's adorable but a cage does not equal love!" Isha yelled.

Tzeentch reluctantly put a clawed hand on Nurgle's shoulder. "Nurgle I think we need to have a word in private, because this is obviously a family crisis…"

"Oh so now that you know about me you're just gunna ignore me? Get back here you feathered bastard!" Isha yelled with more annoyance then anger as Tzeentch led Nurgle to another room.

"Okay what the crap man?"

"What? Do you know what kind of sick stuff Slaanesh was doing to her?"

"I've discussed this with Slaanesh, I don't need to know what weird perverted crap she's into. I guess this why… s/he… hated you her first millennium around."

"Yep, Slaanesh got over it; I think he thinks I ate Isha or something. To be honest I thought about it… but look how hot she is."

"I know they say opposites attract but honestly, you're the Prince of Pestilence, The Duke of Disease, the Commander of Contamination, and she's… a doctor practically. It's not right man."

"Why can't you ever just be happy for me huh? HUH?" Nurgle proceeded to start poking Tzeentch's chest. "Huh mister big shot magic man? Think just cuz Nurgle's fat and diseased he can't find love?"

"Well… in all honesty… yes." Tzeentch folded his arms across his chest and glared at Nurgle. "We need to dispose of her."

"Don't fight me on this Tzeentch!" mucus like tears began to form in the corners of Nurgle's murky eyes. "I love her…"

"Oh geez… hold on a second… stay there."

Tzeentch proceeded to walk back to the cage holding the captive goddess. "Okay, you've really got my brother's head turned around. He thinks he's in love with you… now I know he doesn't have a chance but just try to let him down easy. He's the sensitive one…"

"He has a chance ya know…"

"Good now let's just… wait… I'm sorry?"

"I was married once you know..."

"Really?"

"His name was Kurnous, he was gentle, and kind, a lot like Nurgle; except in the fact that he wasn't essentially a giant, rotting hemorrhoid. Then he was tortured by Khaine for a few centuries… that doesn't exactly do wonders for you physically or personality wise. Then your psycho man bitch brother came into being and killed him along with almost everyone I ever knew. Then it abducted me and made me watch as it consumed the souls of my children, not to mention a whole bunch of weird sexual things I don't want to get into. Then Nurgle came in… and… I don't know, saved me…"

"He put you in a cage…"

"Still a bit of an improvement, I'de give him a chance if he'd let me out."

Tzeentch stood there for a moment in shock and confusion at the situation he had found himself in. He knew that this was a situation that needed to be resolved soon lest Khorne, whom reacts poorly to any complex problem, or worse yet Slaanesh found out. But on the other hand they would soon be late. "Nurgle we don't have time for this just come on. We'll settle this later Isha."

Isha pushed the hair out of her face and let out a long sigh, similar to Tzeentch's sighs. "Nerd…" she said in a biting tone.

Tzeentch grabbed two of the cage's bars with his long claws and began to shake it furiously. He glowered at her with an intense look of annoyance. "I don't like you… are we clear?"

"Yes sir…"

"Good, Nurgle come on."

"Nurgle dear can you leave the remote in my cage please. I get so bored when you're not around."

Nurgle gently sat the remote to the TV on the bottom of her cage in front of her. "Of course sweetie, try not to miss me too much."

Isha stuck her hand out and gently patted Nurgle's bulbous head. Shockingly enough Tzeentch could have sworn that for the slightest moment the part of Nurgle she touched was… healed. It was only for the slightest moment, like the flash of a camera, so Tzeentch couldn't tell if it had actually happened. Not wanting to cause any problems he just shrugged and started walking out the door. "You two are pathetic; I'm leaving with or without you."

"Fine… What are you suppose to be anyway Tzeentch?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Tzeentch straightened out his black robe and wig. "I'm Professor Snape. I don't know what you are Mr. Suitandcane."

"I'm MD House jerkwater!"

"Pfft. Lame." Tzeentch held out his hand and a large, ornate staff materialized. It resembled a large bedlam staff glowing with a strange blue light. Once it was fully formed he slammed it against the floor, in less than a second their diseased surroundings were changed into a fiery, blood saturated hell pit. "Khorne if you aren't ready I'm gunna make a rainbow pop out of your ass."

Khorne approached the two drenched in the blood of the fallen, as he always was. He wore his usual his usual khornate bronze armor, the only unusual thing about his attire was the large, black iron sword stabbing him from his chest all the way through the back. "Let's get this over with." He growled.

"Erm, Khorne. What are you suppose to be?"

"I am a warrior who was slain in battle by being stabbed in the heart with a mighty sword!"

Nurgle began letting out a guttural giggle. Tzeentch looked at him for a moment until he too got the joke, at which point he started chuckling as well. "What are you both laughing at?" Khorne yelled.

Nurgle and Tzeentch both started laughing harder and finally Nurgle blurted out "You're a Khorne on the cob! Hahahahehehaha!" They both collapsed to the floor laughing.

Khorne grabbed them both by the neck and lifted them into the air. "I am not going to put up with these corn jokes anymore! I am the Blood God! I am the slaughterer of countless worlds, and I will not be a mockery anymore!" He proceeded to throttle the two still hysterically laughing gods.

The force of Khorne's grip around Nurgle's neck caused several boils and welts to burst, releasing a thick slurry of yellow and green fluids. "Hey you can't blame us for that Khorne Flakes thing, that was someone else man."

"Okay okay, geez Khorne." Tzeentch said. "We'll lay off you, no need to get you're chainmail in a bunch."

Tzeentch was about to smash his staff against the ground again so they could teleport to Slaanesh's domain, but Nurgle interrupted. "Wait wait wait. Khorne, aren't you forgetting something for your costume?"

"Not that Im aware of…"

"I'm positive that you are." Nurgle said with certainty in his voice.

"What?" Khorne asked, his eyes narrowing.

Nurgle gave off a huge toothy grin. "Butter…"

"Oh that is it! Get over here you son of a bitch!" Khorne lunged for Nurgle with a bellowing howl of rage. Tzeentch simply sighed and slammed the butt of his staff on the ground, teleporting the trio just as Khorne was about to punch Nurgle's corpulent face.

Suddenly the hell pit they were standing in was replaced by an irritating spectrum of contrasting colors. The air smelled of lust, fine perfumes, and some kind of gross musk. Slaanesh was leaning against a mural along the wall depicting the Primarch Fulgrim's "triumph" at Laeran. "Took you long enough!" he, she, and or it said. Slaanesh appeared as a young woman, although she still had several androgynous features, wearing a skin tight, and red leather outfit. The costume left hardly anything to the imagination, although on a gender bending god they still kinda did. Her skin was a light purple, and satyr like horns protruded out of her angular skull.

"I'm getting sick of asking this," Tzeentch said, "but what are you dressed as Slaanesh?"

Slaanesh looked confused. "This isn't a costume…"

Tzeentch let out a slightly avian groan. "Slaanesh today is the Celestial Bicentennial Costume Party. Why the Warp aren't you in an actual costume. Why are you wearing that anyway?"

Slaanesh's black soulless eyes were wide as she tried to come up with an answer. "No reason… and… this is a costume. I'm a ghost, booooOOOoooOOOOooo!"

"Oh whatever, get over here."

Slaanesh rushed in to hug Tzeentch and to kiss him on the top of the beak. "Wuv you…"

Tzeentch went bug eyed for just a moment and then just glared. "Don't ever touch me Slaanesh… and will you two please stop fighting! We aren't going if you're going to embarrass me, at least not anymore then you all usually do…" Khorne and Nurgle were too into their fight to even notice what Slaanesh and Tzeentch said. Tzeentch zapped them with psychically charged lightning, causing them to convulse and foam at the mouth. "Well now that that's settled lets go. Oh, and with five minutes to spare!" Tzeentch's beak contorted into a smile. For the final time he smashed his staff to the ground. Where they'd appear next would be very different than any of their own realms.