I'd just like to say that by writing this parody I'm not in any way trying to degrade or insult Brian Jacques and his amazing works. I only did this for fun because I was feeling in a funny mood. ^^ Please do not judge my humor too harshly.
Chapter One
Matthias Likes Dead Things, My Son
Matthias was walking along carrying a basket full of hazelnuts when he tripped and bumped into someone.
"HEY WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU IDI-" Matthias looked into Father Abbot's startled gaze. "Oh, sorry Abbot Hazelnut, tripped under Father Basket Sandals carrying! I mean... Carry Sandals Basket-Abbot! Father Hazelnut under tripped, oh! I mean-"
"Shut up, my son," Father Abbot said peacefully.
"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.
Father Abbot shook his head and tsked. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. We need to talk, Matthias; badly, my son."
"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.
They walked inside. They stopped at a tapestry. They looked at it. Father Abbot turned to Matthias.
"What are you looking at, my son?" he asked.
"That picture of an eagle eating something dead, sir," Matthias answered.
Father Abbot slammed his paw over the mentally-disturbing picture. "I've been meaning to tear out that repulsive thing for months now, my son! Look away, my son!"
"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.
He closed his eyes.
The Father Abbot reached into his robes and pulled out a pair of school scissors. He snipped away at the cloth surrounding the horrible depiction and stuffed both the cloth and the scissors back into his robes.
"You may look now, my son."
"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.
He opened his eyes.
"Now what are you looking at, my son?"
"The hole in the tapestry where the eagle eating the dead thing used to be."
The Father Abbot frowned. This boy was so obsessed with dead things! It was absurd!
"Why don't you look at Martin, my son?"
"Martin? Who's Martin?"
Father Abbot gasped in shock. "You don't know who Martin is, my son?"
"Nope," said Matthias, staring at the hole in the tapestry.
"Martin was a mighty warrior who kicked butt! He kicked wildcat butt! He kicked rat butt! He kicked ferret, stoat, weasel, and fox butt! He even kicked MY butt! It hurt, my son!"
Matthias looked up, confused. "Martin is dead sir."
"Where on earth did you pick up this love of death, my son? It's unnatural! And yeah, Martin's dead. So, my son?"
"So-my-son how did he kick your butt?"
"In a dream, my son."
"Oh." And then, suddenly, Matthias jumped to his paws, an arm pointed up straight into the air. "I wanna kick butt like Martin!"
"Bad Matthias! Martin nearly died trying to kick wildcat butt so he decided to lead a boring, peaceful life instead 'cus he was a total. Wuss. My. Son."
Matthias felt ashamed. Then he fist pumped the air, once again happy. "Then I'll die kicking butt like Martin!"
"Why don't you forget this ever happened and catch a fish with Brother Mooralfus or-something-or-other. Run along now, my son!"
"All right, sir!" Matthias said, saluting.
And then he ran away. Run TRIP run TRIP run TRIP.
Father Abbot smiled. Oh how he enjoyed watching that poor boy fall on his face.
Hopefully, you enjoyed this! I appreciate your reading this and I'd love it if you'd shoot me a review... But please! Not with a gun! Weapons are dangerous, you know!
The Red Velveteer