WARNING: Spoilers for seasons 4-12 in general, but especially for 12x12 "Stuck in the Middle (With You)".

Author's Note: This week's episode was so full of Cas-as-a-Winchester-family-member!feels that I simply had to write something about it. This takes place towards the end of 12x12 "Stuck in the Middle (With You)". (It's also not meant as a slash fiction at all.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.

Dean hates time.

It's the mechanism that turns days into gone, family into aches and memories.

"You're my family."

It's what muddles the memories, too, because Dean swears there had to have been a first moment when those words coming from the mouth of the angel dying in front of him would've suddenly made the sense they do now. Some critical instance in which whatever unseeable transition from acquaintance or ally occurred, and declared Castiel an actual part of the Winchesters.

But he can't remember when it was.

He wishes he could.

If he knew the exact date then maybe he'd be able to believe enough years had passed between then and now. Long enough to make this loss feel even the slightest bit acceptable instead of too damn soon like it does at this instant.

His heart clenches uncomfortably in his chest while the time ticks down.

A stoic, calm, naïve man in a beige trench coat doesn't flinch away when a demon-killing blade is rammed into his heart.

He is an Angel of the Lord, so he'll live.

He isn't a friend yet, so Dean is disappointed.

The hunter feels a rush of guilt, realizing that had he wielded the right weapon that night he might've accidentally murdered Cas all those years ago.

A voice comes from a severely bloodied face with two defeated blue eyes peeking through bruised, swollen slits.

"Dean, please."

A blade is sunk into a book just to the side of its original target and murder is avoided, barely.

Dean leaves without admitting he isn't disappointed.

More guilt. He'd known what weapon to wield by that point and it took far too long to choose to use it on that hardcover instead. Then he didn't even tell Cas how glad he was when he did. He just left him on the Bunker's floor, too lost in his own Hell to help him up.

"From the moment he laid a hand on you in Hell he was lost."

The idea eats away at Dean, filling him with the absurd notion that maybe he's killed Cas yet. Castiel wouldn't be here in the middle of this mess if not for having known and trusted them all. But Sam and Mary weren't to blame. Their involvement didn't really matter when Dean was the first of them Castiel had known and trusted, wasn't he?

"What's the matter?"

A pause.

"You don't think you deserve to be saved."

Dean certainly believes he is deserving no more than Cas. Significantly less than Cas, honestly. So he won't quit trying to save Castiel even now with no clear strategy, just a will to fight on his behalf.

"You need to keep fighting."

Castiel is barely clinging onto life - each second an obvious struggle - and Dean isn't ready for what happens when he loses his grip. There will come another shift, this one from family to merely the recollection of his name that will hurt to say and will summon nobody. How will Dean and Sam fight then?

Sam is talking to the angel now, offering a string of assurances. "Hey buddy. Hey! We're here Cas. We're right here buddy."

Dean tries to come up with anything he could say himself, but he draws a blank. Story of his life.

"Knowing you... It's been the best part of my life."

Dean thinks Cas already knows it all anyway or he wouldn't have spent all his time with him and Sam.

He thinks he needs to face reality and stop grasping at random memories and fleeting thoughts to distract himself from the clock as it runs out.

"Hang in there alright?" Sam encourages Cas in spite of it all.

"I love all of you."

Now Dean bows his head and prepares to speak just three words that only spell goodbye for a Winchester brother, because maybe this really is goodbye so maybe he should finally say them to this Winchester brother.

Then the King of Hell snaps a magic lance in two and Dean's need to offer a farewell dies in Cas's place.

A world of time opens up and Dean doesn't hate it at all.

Secondary Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I felt Dean was particularly quiet during most of Cas's dying process in this episode, and I figured that meant he had a lot going on in his head. Hope you enjoyed my take on it! If you have a moment, please do leave feedback. It is always greatly appreciated! :)