How Do You Solve a Problem like Darth Vader?, a star wars fanfic

A parody by a friend (not the same one who wrote "My Son," which you should also go read) who said I could post this for her. Because it's too good not to share. Neither of us owns Star Wars.

Author's note: It's a dialogue between some Imperial officers, most of whom feel that Vader is overstepping his boundaries and becoming too controlling, while a few argue that he is powerful and in charge and deserves their respect.

He stalks our work and spies and lurks

He'll kill you with a stare

He marches through the corridors

And glowers on the stair

And underneath his helmet

His head is bald and bare

I've even heard him breathing in the hallways

(heavy Vader breathing)

He's always watching missions––

So his duty's clearly real––

He's always watching everything

Right down to every meal

I hate to have to say it

But I very firmly feel

Darth Vader's overstepped his roles as captain

I'd like to say a word on his behalf

Darth Vader could squash us flat

How do you solve a problem like Darth Vader?

How do you catch a Sith and pin him down?

How do you find a word that means Darth Vader?

A flibbertigibbet! A dictatorship! A clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him

Many a thing he aught to understand

But how do you make him stay

And listen to all you say?

How do you stop the evil choking hand?

Oh how do you solve a problem like Darth Vader?

How do you bring a Death Star in to land?

When I'm with him I'm afraid

Terrified and underpaid

And I never know exactly when I'll die

Unpredictable as weather

He's as rigid as hard leather

He's a monster! He's a leader! He's a guy!

He'd out-pester any pest

Drive a drexl from its nest

He could slaughter all the Raiders in the sand

He is mighty! He is wild!

He's a menace! He's reviled!

He's a terror! He's a ruler!

He's a man!