Title: I'm With You
Author: mikkithegazette
Chapters: 1/2
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Self harm, depression, use of real names, very bitchy and delusional Aoi
Pairing: Uruha x Aoi, mentioned Aoi x Miko (Exist Trace)
Disclaimer: These fingers were made for typing, and that's just what they do. These fingers were made for typing and they'll type all about you...you know. From my imagination. If I actually owned the people mentioned, they would be making more than music with each other...
Synopsis: This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening to them...it couldn't be happening. It was all a horrible nightmare that they were going to wake up from. When they woke, they'd be in their bed cuddling each other and kissing and smiling at each other and being the happiest couple in the world. But it wasn't a nightmare. He was outside on his knees begging his one true love not to leave him alone; it was very real and Uruha was still going to do it. This was reality.
Comments: Angst, angst, angst, oh the angst. Mostly because I'm distraught about deranged_cloud (venomouslibrary) discontinuing her writing. This is mostly for her as a kind of "thank you" for all of her writing. Writing this was super emotional, especially towards the end so as a bonus, I'm putting in the music I listened to to help me get in the mood to write this piece. And I want to thank xadowangel for being my beta! Her editing is pretty damned awesome, if I must say so myself. ありがとございます！

~
"I'm With You" and "Losing My Grip" by Avril Lavigne

Something was definitely wrong with Aoi.

He'd seemed so distraught all day and it worried Uruha. He'd shouted at the makeup girls for minor mistakes made to his flawless face, snapped at the staff about the equipment "not sounding right", and even tried to physically engage in the a fight with Ruki a few times during rehearsal. There were instances where he dared to throw a fist at Ruki and Kai had to pull him away from the frightened vocalist. He was ordered to go home and rest by most of the band and Sakai, but he refused to leave the studio, claiming that he was doing just fine. It was very uncharacteristic of him and it alarmed everyone, but mostly Uruha; he wanted to know what was making his lover so hostile. Knowing Aoi like the back of his own hand, Uruha knew it was in the raven's nature to be so incensed in times, even outrageously so, but never before had he seen Aoi lose himself quite like this.

While everybody was wrapping up at the end of the day, Uruha took some time to relieve his bladder before going to get his belongings together- find his boyfriend, and talk about what was troubling him so much on the way home. Hopefully, he could make Aoi feel better with hours of Mika Nakashima and Luna Sea concert DVDs and endless supplies of kisses that could lead to things far more heated and primal...

With a reassuring smile on his face, Uruha walked out of the bathroom into the dimly lit hallway to search for his beloved. He suddenly heard a loud crash and snapped his head to the direction it came from only to find himself absolutely dumbfounded as Aoi sprinted down the hall with fresh tears running down his flushed cheeks and choked sobs escaping his mouth.

"Aoi!" the blonde called out, desperate and so very scared, the raven speeding right past him without any sort of acknowledgment.

"Yuu!"

The older male skidded to a stop and immediately froze on his tracks just a few feet from him; he didn't move an inch…nor did he say a word. He was visibly trembling and his breaths were labored.

"Yuu?" Uruha asked hesitantly, his voice cracking under overwhelming emotions as he watched his lover crumbled right before his eyes.

Aoi winced at the mention of his birth name and he slowly turned to face the other. Uruha could have sworn his stomach felt like it was trying to climb out of his throat when the most furious pair of eyes pierced into him. The usual happy-go-lucky aura that radiated off of him on a daily basis was replaced by a sullen, dangerous one. The dark, wavy tresses that were usually pulled back to accentuate his unblemished beauty and sharply defined feline features were now covering most of his face, making it appear as though he were a predator staring down his prey.

"Yuu, baby, what's wrong?" the lead guitarist asked him softly but carefully, his words measured and polite so as not to say the wrong thing for the fear of setting him off. Aoi turned around on his heels to face his lover with his hands clanched into fists at his sides. Why the hell was he asking such a dumb question? He knows full well what he did so why does he want to torture me further and ask that?
He didn't answer the question, only glared. The silence was so suffocating, Uruha felt dizzy and smothered from the intensity of it. His hands started to shake so he held them together and fidgeted with his fingers. Their gazes held until the blond guitarist felt like screaming.

"Yuu—"

The haunting silence broke as somewhere off in the distance, Ruki's irritated voice could be heard talking about Aoi's behavior during the day. That's all it took for Aoi to snap.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Aoi shrieked suddenly, causing the blonde to slightly jump. He stared, wide eyed and apprehensive, suddenly finding his lover so unpredictable. What the hell?

"WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" Aoi hollered, taking small, unsteady strides towards Uruha. On instinct the blonde backed away from him into the single-person bathroom-stall, stumbling over his own feet. That may not have been a good idea because suddenly, he was the mouse trapped into the corner of the small space and they were just centimeters away from each other. Uruha could smell the alcohol in Aoi's breath before he even got to him. The raven reeked so much of vodka, it made him almost gag. They starred in each other's eyes and didn't look away.
"Why can't you just leave me alone, already?" he whispered, the alcoholic breath suffocating the blonde. "I already feel horrible for what I did, so why...why do you keep taunting me?" His voice broke off at the end and he went from angry lunatic to a hurt, vulnerable child. The sudden change in Aoi's mood almost gave Uruha whiplash. A confused expression plastered itself onto Uruha's face. What was Aoi talking about? He had pretty much stayed clear away from him all evening because of his bad mood, so what was Aoi referring to?

"I've already said I'm sorry more times than I can count. I've shown you so many times that I regret what I did, so why are you trying to get back at me? What do you want from me, Kouyou?" Aoi continued lividly, eyes narrowed into slits as he trapped the other guitarist against the stained wall, almost to the point of shouting.

"Aoi, what are you talking about? I haven't talked to you all day. Hell, you haven't even looked in my direction." Uruha muttered as he tried to comprehend each word that fell from those heavenly lips that would usually shower him with words of adoration and kisses of comfort. It was almost like he didn't know Aoi anymore.

"Like you already don't know! I'm talking about you and Ruki!" Aoi yelled. And it was Uruha's turn to be all flustered as he put on his best 'are-you-fucking-kidding-me' face and slightly narrowed his eyes at the lunatic in front of him. This was what he'd been so animate about? After everything they'd been through, he couldn't believe Aoi would blame him for something as immaterial as his relationship with Ruki, especially when there was absolutely nothing to talk about.

"I've been watching you two all day and I know that there's something going on between you two." The raven haired male seethed menacingly.

"What about me and Ruki? There's nothing going on between-"

"Is it because of what I did with Miko?" he suddenly asked, lips trembling. Uruha was astounded. What the raven did with Miko was already forgotten in the other's mind and he sure as hell thought Aoi knew it. He'd reminded his lover every chance he got that he was sorry with countless apologies, showers of gifts, and many I- love- you's when they made love. Aoi had proven that he regretted that one night stand half a year ago.

"Aoi, I've long forgiven you for that." Uruha said softly. He reached out to put his hands on his lover's pale, tear-stained face. "It hasn't crossed my mind for weeks. I know you truly regretted it, so it's forgiven. Aoi?"

Aoi flinched when he felt his pretty lover's warm palm against his moist cheek. And all of a sudden the raven was feeling so cold, so damn cold as he took in how understanding the lead guitarist had been all this time, how he could always go back to Uruha no matter what. Aoi couldn't take that anymore, that angelic face trying to coax him, sweet words like honey trying to soothe him. He didn't want to be taken care of anymore, at least not by Uruha. Before he knew what he was doing, he sprinted out of the dingy stall in a mad dash. Instinct took over the younger's actions as he followed the raven haired male, thanking the heavens for being able to reach Aoi before it was too late as he frantically grabbed his lover's strong shoulder to turn him around as he fought for some decent amount of air in his lungs only to be awarded by a slap against his arm as Aoi tried to slip out of his grasp. And then, Uruha could feel his blood beginning to boil and he was slowly losing patience.

"Listen to me, Aoi!" Uruha said urgently. "I promise on my life that there is nothing happening between Ruki and me; we're just friends. You have to believe me, baby."

"Then what's with all of the fanservice, huh? I notice those looks you give him during shows and the way he touches you. I bet he can't wait to touch that pretty cock of-"

"It's nothing but fanservice for the fans! You're the only one I would ever give any adulation to, Aoi, and you know that! And I will not stand here and let you insult and degrade our best friend just because you're jealous."

Oops.

Uruha immediately regretted what he'd just said, and almost slapped himself for being so whimsical because Aoi suddenly resembled an infuriated animal with his nostrils flared, ready to strike. And the way Aoi took a step towards him with a cruel, taunting smile on his perfect face was enough evidence of how his heated face exposed his inner insecurity. The stench of booze was unceasing as the raven haired male approached, bit by bit and Uruha felt like he was drastically losing his ground.

"Jealous? Jealous?" He said the word like it was a poison, a deadly poison he couldn't help taking anyway. "What the fuck am I supposed to be jealous of? A midget with a tiny cock and a huge ego?" He laughed humorlessly while the lead guitarist stood in silence, small tremors of trepidation crawling underneath his skin. He knew that Aoi was feeling extremely insecure right now and being called jealous only worsened it; he should've been careful with what he said to him even though he had done nothing wrong, at least nothing that he was aware of…

"Aoi, I didn't mean it that way. I really didn't. I was wrong for that and I apologize, but you can't just insult him like that. He's your friend-"

"So you're defending him now?"

And it was just like trying to reason with a brick wall, unmoving and stubborn. The older male wasn't even listening to him because he was only hearing what he wanted to hear, irrevocably misunderstanding Uruha just for the sake of justifying his own lame logics which is that he was intimately involved with none other than their vocalist and Uruha was getting fed up with this behavior.

Aoi narrowed his eyes into angry slits. He only ever gave this look when he was about to do something that he knew would irritate his blonde lover.

"Harmageddon" by Apocalyptica

"You're lying to me." he spat, crossing his arms the raven began quickly walking down the hallway again. Uruha threw his arms up in frsutration and followed the PMS machine yet again. His heart was racing with anger, his breathing got harder, and his eyes felt like they were burning; all of them were signs of rage and melancholy; the sole fact that Aoi didn't trust him was clawing at him like the sharpest knife.
"God, stop being so ascetic and actually listen to me!" the blonde said, exasperated.

"No, I will not and I want you to stop following me." Aoi's tone of voice was like the calm before the storm, which sent warning bells in Uruha's mind. If Aoi was calm while he was angry, that meant the older male could do anything in a spur of a moment that could ruin everything they'd ever had. Uruha knew that needed to get his lover to calm down before he did something he'd regret.

"Fuck that, we're going home to talk about this. I'm coming with you."

"Will you leave me alone?!" Aoi turned a corner and sped his pace up. "I'll call Reita down here."

"What's he going to do? Take my eyeliner?" Uruha said sarcastically. The brunette shot a glare at him and shoved the door open to enter the chilly evening air. "Alright, that was unneeded but you have to talk to me, babe." Aoi made his way to his fancy black Jaguar and reached into his pockets to grab his keys. Uruha smirked and waited.

"Actually, no, I don't..." He stopped in front of the door to his car and felt all over himself. When he couldn't locate what he was looking for, he turned to glower at the blonde. "...Where the fuck are my keys?"

"Oh, I dunno. Don't you always keep them on you?" The keys were in his pocket. He took them in the hallway when Aoi dropped them and was oblivious to the sound of metal against the ground. This wasn't the right time to be humorous with a moody boyfriend, but he wanted to try to lighten the mood before one of them snapped, but at the same time, some sick and twisted part of him wanted to taunt the other for being so blind and over-analyzing situations. Jesus, he acts like such a woman sometimes, Uruha though rather miserably and it hurt to think that Aoi would accuse him of all people of cheating. He felt despondent when Aoi did it, so why would he put him through the same torture? It was downright cruel of Aoi, really cruel.

Without any sort of warning, Aoi kicked the tire angrily and cried out. He suddenly grabbed Uruha by the collar of his shirt and slammed his back agaisnt the car door. Shocked by the sudden actions, the younger was stupefied, his reactions delayed and all he could manage to do was to stare at his lover with wide eyes before trying to pry his fingers from his clothes, trying to cease his thundering heart. His back was lifted from the car only to be slammed back into it, harder. He couldn't believe that Aoi was trying to hurt him and suddenly he felt his mind growing numb.

When the brunette screamed in his face in pure frustration, Uruha felt like his eardrums were about to pop. "STOP FUCKING AROUND, KOUYOU. WHERE ARE MY DAMNED KEYS?! I'm fucking sick of your shit! Why can't you get that I don't want to fucking be around your cheating ass?!"

"... Excuse me?"

"Lost in Paradise" by Evanescence (the lyrics to this song heavily inspired this part of the fic)

Uruha was too shocked, too much anguished to even feel anything. His face completely relaxed, morphed into a blank expression and his hands stopped working through the other's shaking fists. Fine. If he wanted to be that way, then he was in for the hurt he was about to get. Aoi's face abruptly went from one of rage to one of regret. By the time he opened his mouth to take back what he said, the lead guitarist's fist already connected with his abdomen, and then his jaw, sending the man diving to the ground.

"I can't fucking believe you." Uruha whispered in a dangerously low voice. "I have been with you through everything. Everything. I was there when Kazuki dumped you for another man and moved out of your apartment only a month after he moved in; I was the one to comfort you every time Ruki rejected one of your songs and you cried because you felt like you were nothing to the band; I lifted you up and cured you from your on-going depression; I'm the only one that ever sticks around when you have your mood swings; I was the one that saved you from being raped in a dirty alleyway by Gackt and Toshiya; I fucking saved you.

I was the one that drank with you when you were upset about something...anything... and I've always been your rescuer, your knight in shining armor, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I gave up my life for you. Eight years of devotion and undying love and security...and you repaid me by getting piss drunk at a party and sleeping with a woman you barely even knew and accuse me of infidelity only months later."

Uruha was so furious. So furious that he was trembling and his eyes started to water. That's the thing about him. He never cried...ever. He didn't even cry when he was a kid and hurt himself playing football. He was a strong person and never let anything get to his heart. Falling in love with the pathetic man before him so long ago was a huge step for him, one he never regretted. Even now when they were both hurt, angry and crying their eyes out, he didn't regret asking him on their first date six years ago, nor did he regret having that tan line on his ring finger for the past two.

But enough was enough.

"You...are the most selfish and inconsiderate person I have ever met, Shiroyama Yuu."

Aoi slowly stood up and choked back a sob. "Uru, I didn't mean-"

"Shut up!" Uruha snapped. "You've hurt me so many times all these years and I never said a damned thing. Not a single. Damned. Thing. I'm so in love you Aoi, to the point where I would kill myself on the spot if you were to die. I would give up the fucking band if losing you was the other alternative but..." The blonde took a shaky breath and raised his left hand in front of him. Aoi looked at where his lover's eyes travelled to and immediately began to shake his head and sob hysterically.

"Uru, no! Please! I'm so s-s-sorry I d-didn't mean anything from earlier, I swear on my life! I l-love you. Please don't do this!" Aoi was whimpering and clutching his chest so hard the clothes might have ripped under the force if only the fabric hadn't been so thick. He grabbed the raised hand and dropped to his knees, holding the guitarist in a death grip. He looked into Uruha's eyes, pleading, only for the other to turn away.
This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening to them...it couldn't be happening. It was all a horrible nightmare that they were going to wake up from in the morning. When they woke, they'd be in their bed cuddling each other under the covers and kissing and smiling at each other and being the happiest couple in the world. The harsh winter cold was just a figment of his imagination and the sun was climbing the cloud to get to the highest point in the sky instead of hiding behind a thick blanket of darkness and numbing his very core.

But it wasn't a nightmare. He was outside on his knees begging his one true love not to leave him alone; it was very real and Uruha was still going to do it. This was reality. All Aoi could do was beg like his life depended on it...which it very well might have been. "Please, please, please. Don't leave me. Please, I'm sorry for acting this way. Please don't..."

"I'm sorry, Aoi...but I can't do this anymore."

The blonde was now forcing his hand away from his sobbing ex-lover and removed the engagement band from his marriage finger, his heart ripping to shreds with every passing second. He bent down to the ground and gently placed the ring and his keys in Aoi's hand. Aoi's head hung low and his shoulders quivered like an earthquake; his head still slightly shook and he kept pleading under his breath. The mere sight of him was heartbreaking and the blonde couldn't handle it. Uruha stroked his hair and kissed the top of the brunette's head, fresh tears escaping his puffy eyes.

"I will always love you."

He stood up and quickly walked in the rehearsal studio, leaving his heart and life behind him.