I Have A Lover
Pairings: Harry/Ginny. One-sided Draco/Harry. Mentions of Draco/OC, Hermione/Ron and Pansy/Zabini.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Summary: Harry and Draco finally bury the hatchet between them and become close friends after the war. After becoming Auror partners together, they've become close enough that they've shared almost all their secrets and troubles to each other. However, there is one secret that Draco is determined to keep to himself… One-shot.
Warnings: Partial epilogue compliant. Binge-drinking. Angst.
Betaed by: The Nameless Soul
A/N: This story is based on a popular Korean love song called 'I Have A Lover'. All those who train to be singers in Korea have at least sung this song once and this has been hailed as the greatest Korean love song created. Translated lyrics of the song are shown at the end of the story.
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He took deep breaths… In, out. In and out. He smoothed down his robes, patting his hair to make sure it wasn't mussed and took a sip of his third bottle of Firewhisky. Heaving a deep sigh, he looks at the clock on the wall. 'He's late, even later than he always is.'
Draco contemplated his life as he examined the patterns on the table created by the water droplets from the bottles. When did it come to him waiting, when it used to be him being waited on? The blond mused on this small revelation as his heart sank further. 'Guess he's not coming, after all...'
Just as he was about to rise up and throw the Galleons for his drinks when the door of the pub opened, allowing a person to rush through and a familiar voice was heard.
"Hey Dray!"
Draco jumped slightly, not expecting to hear the voice.
Messed raven-coloured hair that defied even gravity with bronzed skin from being in the constant sun was the things that stood out from the body against a wooden door and pale white walls. Pale white, just like the colour of his skin… Draco looked up to a pair of bright green dazzling eyes, so dazzling that not even a pair of glasses could dim the brightness. A pang hit his heart…
"Good evening, Potter."
Potter made a discontented noise at the back of his throat as he flung himself into the chair next to Draco as he signalled to Aberforth for a bottle of Firewhisky as well. Draco knew what came next. The words that came out of his mouth were the same as it had been two years ago since they've made their peace. The words were something that he could utter, even in his sleep.
Draco silently mouthed the words to himself as Potter opened his mouth to admonish him.
"Draco, how many times do I need to say this... We're partners! Aren't you ever going to start saying my first name? My first name isn't that difficult, you know. Two syllables, Ha-rry. Say it with me!"
Draco rolled his eyes, as was his usual reply. "Potter, I've been calling you by your surname since forever. It's going to be hard to undo all my habits. I don't see you calling Pansy or Blaise by their first names either, just the way I still call your friends Granger and Weasley even though they married the moment we stepped out of Hogwarts. For one, there'll be too many Weasleys for me to differentiate," Interjecting humour into his voice, covering up the cracks within. So good was he at lying, that he could even fool himself.
Why did he bring up Pansy? Now he would be reminded of the confrontation he'd had with her this afternoon. The confrontation that had him feeling a little more fragile than usual… Usually, he wouldn't make mistakes or be overly sensitive about things.
(Page Break)
Draco sipped at his cup of Earl Grey as Pansy sat across him. Her eyes narrowed as they sat in silence for ten minutes, with Draco refusing to meet her eyes. Blue-grey eyes, depending on which light one was looking at him traced the patterns of the grain of the oak table as he stubbornly refused to start the conversation.
''Draco, what is wrong with you? Can't you see that you're destroying yourself? You're hurting not only yourself, but also the people around you! Have you developed some masochistic tendency, hanging around Potter?'' Pansy struck at him, totally exasperated.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Pansy dear," he drawled, the Malfoy mask perfectly on.
Pansy's eyes softened. Oh, she didn't have to speak to her best friend to know what he was thinking. The body language he used and the non-verbal cues were more than enough. Fingers twisting together and eyes darting back and forth quickly were being the major signs. She hadn't been his best friend since toddlers for nothing! She knew him sometimes even better than he himself did. Because Draco being Draco; he sometimes wanted to avoid the obvious because it wasn't to his wanting or liking.
"Draco, talk to me…" Pansy said gently.
Draco looked up, anguish clear in his eyes as he burst out. "I don't know, Pansy. I just don't know anymore! Ignoring it doesn't work and this struggling, it's killing me."
"Have you tried getting over him?" Pansy asked, happy for the first time that Draco was willing to talk about the issue since she'd first confronted him six months ago.
"I did, I really did. Blind dates, girlfriends, boyfriends, one-night stands. You name it; I've done it. My mind tells me to stop and I know that I should stop, and that it's wrong. For God's sake, he's a married man! I fucking organised his wedding! But I can't seem to drive myself away from him, even if I tried. When I'm with him, I feel like all the wrongs I did are being dissolved one by one. Pansy, he tries so hard to help me. No matter what, he keeps on defending me from other people and telling me that I'm my own person, not a clone of my father."
"He looks at me for who I am, despite all the stupid things I've done to him in Hogwarts. And I owe him this much. I know how much he wants this, needs this. He deserves this happiness, Pansy. Even if it means with Weaslette," stated Draco, voice resigned.
"But… Don't you deserve happiness too? How do you know you're doing the right thing? What if it's wrong?" Pansy argued.
"And yet, even if my heart's broken in half or even if I'm engulfed by tears, at least I know I did the right thing. To love someone means to be able to love that someone enough to find his or her own happiness, even if it isn't with you. Maybe I'm suffering right now but looking at his face, knowing that he's happy, I'm happy too," Draco stated softly. He'd made his peace with the issue a long time ago when he made up his mind to stay and continue being partners with Potter when he had been thinking of transferring out.
"Even if it means I have to give up my own happiness," Draco stated with a sad smile towards Pansy, as she came to him with a hug, stroking his hair while offering nonsensical comforts.
(Page Break)
Harry choked on his sip of Firewhisky and laughed. He certainly couldn't deny how fast Ron and Hermione had taken their relationship to the next level. Then again, those two had been acting like an old married couple since well, forever. Harry looked fondly at the man next to him. His Auror partner of two years, Draco Malfoy, wasn't an easy man to get close to but once one got close to him, he would stand behind you no matter what. After being forced together as partners, Harry had buried the hatchet between them and they'd been fast friends ever since.
"Well, I can't deny that. It's just…weird that you keep calling me by my last name. Why'd you do that? I mean, I can call you by your first name," Potter asked curiously.
Draco just answered shortly, as was his custom as he started.
"Years of habit."
He could feel the piercing gaze on the side of his head, yet Draco refused to look up and start the second part of their pub routine. It was usually a relaxing meeting for both of them, a normal Friday night affair. It was part of their working routine to cool down from the week and for Draco, it was a time for him to sate his thirst of getting his partner's undivided attention for himself, just for him.
Instead, he looked into his bottle, searching for something, though he wasn't sure what it was. "Why were you late, Potter? I was about to leave this place already. Next time, at least have the courtesy to owl me if you're going to be late. One would've thought that you'd learn this after Auror training, Potter," Draco spoke, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
Sometimes Draco was unsure why he put up with Potter's antics. But then again, Potter and he had gone through so much. When Draco first realised that he was bisexual, Potter was the first one he'd turn to for help. Potter had turned to him, not Weasley or Granger or any of his other friends, when Weaslette and he had a fight, days before their wedding. They'd shared countless secrets and troubles with each other. How Draco still had nightmares of Voldemort at night, how Potter was scared that he couldn't match to the expectations that others had of him and so much more. They shared so many secrets and troubles that they could never share with other people.
However, Draco had one secret that he couldn't afford to tell Potter, the one reason why he refused to call his partner by his first name.
He loved his partner. Yes, that's right. Draco Malfoy was in love with Harry Potter. Heck, even his mind wanted to snort at the thought.
To Draco, calling a person by his first name implied closeness. At this point, he was trying to drive Potter away. Using their last name would be to create distance, right?
Usually, it wasn't so bad. He'd dealt with unrequited crushes before but this was too much for him to handle. Draco was a smart man usually, he always got who he wanted. That was, until Harry Potter. Potter was just… Different.
Unlike the other lovers he'd had, Draco wasn't determined to possess him. The blond Auror was just content to just look at the raven-haired from afar and continue on with their friendship. One could say that he did not want to lose a friendship for the sake of a relationship that might not work… He thought it was just a liking, something that he'd grow out of as he spent more time with his partner. After all, the liking was from a fantasy he'd imagined in his head, wasn't it?
Hours turned to days; days turned to weeks and weeks turned into months. The months have no spread to years and yet, Draco was still in denial. How could he acknowledge it? He was one of the few who helped Potter with his wedding, organised his stag night. Would it all come to nothing?
Potter gave a brilliant smile, a smile that could crumble his heart and yet, make him feel alive at the same time. His green eyes twinkled even more, lighting up his face as Potter sat up excitedly. "I'm so sorry, Draco but something came up! You wouldn't believe what Ginny told me before I left!"
"And? What was so important that you couldn't even owl me?" Draco demanded, looking at Potter.
"Ginny's pregnant!"
If the sound of a broken heart could be heard, everyone could hear the sound of the broken fragments of Draco's heart. Draco's breath hitched as the expression on his face fractured. Hurriedly, he looked down and took a few deep breaths before looking up once again, too fast for Potter to notice.
Once again, Potter was looking at him with that naïve grin on his face, the bright smile on his face. Draco felt like crying… He felt like one of those characters in those overly-cliché romance novels that Pansy loved to read.
His dream…
Crushed.
Draco gulped down the rest of his third bottle of Firewhisky, signalling for two more bottles. The taste of the fire burning through his throat, quite possibly damaging the lining of his throat but the physical pain was much better than the emotional pain he was facing. The longer he was in Potter's presence, the more he was likely to breakdown. He needed to get away, go somewhere. Somewhere far away, where he could get away from Potter and his fairytale ending. Somewhere where he could mend his broken heart in peace and maybe, move on with his life.
And yet, he couldn't… He was in far too deep, too deep to get out. He had hoped that Potter and Weaslette would slowly fall out of love and maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to get his chance. But how could he think that while looking at Potter's face now? He knew himself how Potter longed for a family. How could he bear to break up a dream that Potter had been dreaming of since he was a child? That was the one thing he couldn't give Potter and that was why he had tried moving on.
He knew that was impossible though. He'd tried, believe him. Boyfriends, girlfriends, and even one-night stands. Anything, everything. But he slowly realised that he picking his lovers by Potter's characteristics. It was either the eyes weren't the right colour; the hair wasn't the same or the feeling felt all wrong. Draco may be a cold person from the outside, but he did believe that it wasn't fair to his lovers so he slowly stopped having any. What's the use? The imitation was hardly going to be better than the original. The one he really wanted, the one he really desired. It felt cliché but it was also the one his heart cried out for each night as he slept in his huge bed, all alone.
"What are you doing?"
Draco stopped and blinked. Downing the bottles in front of him, he was now on to his sixth bottle. In his haste to stop the pain, he'd actually forgotten to make an excuse to what he was doing. 'What am I doing?' Draco thought in a daze, light-headed from the rush of alcohol through his body. 'I'm trying to drown my sorrow in liquor while you live your fairytale ending.'
"I'm celebrating the good news on your behalf, Potter. What else does it look like? I doubt Weaslette is going to appreciate you getting drunk, after the good news so it's up to me to celebrate the news properly!" Draco said, slightly hysterically while waving his bottle of Firewhisky. Oh yes, the numbness was settling in his bones… There was a buzz in his head now. The blond Auror looked around the pub, welcoming the high alcohol brought him.
It was just Draco's luck as that his eyes came to rest on Potter's wedding ring taunting him as reflection from the lights attracted his attention towards the simple yet loud announcement of how the Boy-Who-Lived was taken and made sure everyone knew about it.
'Tacky,' Draco thought to himself sourly before catching himself. He'd had to make his peace with Ginevra Weasley ever since Potter had forced both of them to get along with each other in his presence, putting them in an uneasy truce. Once again, Draco couldn't help but to stare enviously at the ring. He could wish all he liked. His dreams could give him a fantasy world where they were together but that ring… That ring was the one thing that destroyed any dreams and wishes. It was the bane of existence!
As if his night couldn't get any worse, Potter caught him staring at his wedding ring. Potter gave him a faint smile and opened his mouth to ask the million-galleon question.
"Will you forever be alone, Draco? Don't you want someone to love? Don't you crave the relationship that Ginny and I have? That your parents have? Scratch that, the relationship, Parkinson and Zabini have? The stability and comfort?"
"What are you talking about, Potter? I do have someone to love."
Silence. Shocked eyes.
"You do?"
"Of course, I've just never told anyone before. I don't see why I should. My love life is hardly anyone's business."
"Seriously? You do? How come you've never told me before? How long have you been dating him? Or is it a she? You're finally going to settle down? When are you going to introduce me to this person?" Harry badgered him, question after question. His eyes were shining with pride and a tinge of relief at the thought of his partner finally settling down after a long string of short-term relationships and one-night stands. Potter didn't say it, but Draco could see it in his eyes…
If the pieces of his heart could get any smaller, it would. Draco was hardly going to correct him. He cherished Potter too much to risk an uncertain happiness with him. His lips were sealed on the matter, never to be said aloud in this man's presence. After all, Potter being gay? Right... That's like Weaslette suddenly deciding that she wasn't in love with Potter and wanting to marry Goyle. Yeah, sure.
"Don't worry, Potter… I'll introduce him to you when I'm good and ready," Draco said as a bitter smile graced his face. Once again, Potter never noticed. 'He never notices the bitter smiles. To him, I'm just the Draco that refuses to settle down. I'm probably a burden to him," Draco thought sadly to himself.
''God, you don't know how much I worry about you. What, you stopped dating nine months ago? And before that, it's all been so short or one-night stands. And you're such a good catch, Dray! I didn't know why none of them wanted to stay with you. I mean, if I were gay, I'd most definitely date you,'' Harry exclaimed in his exuberance.
''Seriously, Potter? You'd really date me?'' Draco asked, his voice low.
''Of course, I would! You're an amazing friend and partner, what's there not to like?'' Harry said gently, holding Draco's hand from across the table. ''I wish you would,'' Draco said seriously but as always, Potter laughed it off like it was said in jest. Maybe to him, it was anyway...
'After all, it's been you all along,' Draco thought as he finished his drinks with Potter after Potter said that he couldn't stay out for too long as Ginny was waiting for him and insisted that Draco went home as well, not wanting him to drink alone in the pub.
Draco followed Potter down out of the Hog's Head, bickering with the man whom he was secretly in love with. It was a secret he would forever keep, a yearning deep within his heart. He had a lover, after all.
A lover that only he could see… Tears filled the corners of his eyes as he walked, watching the back of the man he loved as he always did, trying to keep his voice as light as possible. As Harry looked back, Draco hurriedly blinked the tears away and came to walk next to him.
Plastering a fake happy smile onto his face, Draco once again patched up the cracks in his heart as he did, everyday. After all, what else could he do?
(Page Break)
Lee Eun Mi - I Have A Lover
You ask me, 'are you still alone?'
And I just laughed
I am loving someone, I have someone to love
You seem to worry about me,
Telling me there is someone
That you would like me to see
Do you know that
I do also have a great lover?
Someone that I cherish so much that I had to hide
That someone, only I can see him
He is only visible to my eyes
Will keep him locked in my lips forever
Only the tears that fill my eyes know
That person is you
Don't want to have him
Don't want to be greedy
Just want to love him
Do you know that
I do also have a great lover?
Someone that I cherish so much that I had to hide
That someone, only I can see him
He is only visible to my eyes
Will keep him locked in my lips forever
Only the tears that fill my eyes know
That person is you
Can you see I am not alone
So don't worry about me so much
I'll introduce him to you someday
Can you hear my tears filled up in my eyes saying?
That person is you
(Page Break)
A/N: Thank you for reading. Please leave me any constructive comments or criticisms, or even a one-word review to tell me how you feel about this story.
Have a nice day!