the truth of ka-shume
Rated: M for sexual content and some language
Disclaimer: I don't own Roland or Eddie or anything to do with the Dark Tower. They are the property of the very talented Stephen King.
Warning: This is a SLASH story (male/male sex) so if that's not your cuppa then I suggest you find another story. It's intended as a one-shot but depending on my mood I may expand on it, probably not though.
Ever anon the Dark Tower crumbles, bit by bit that which holds up all worlds is ready to topple. Two sets of footsteps carry ever onward towards true Discordia, towards the mad Crimson King, towards that legendary tower to save it if they can, to slow the process if they can, to climb to the top if they can, to just look at it if everything else is beyond them. Once a ka-tet of five they are now two, once sharing khef they now share nothing, hardly even an exchange of words for the death of his wife has changed Eddie Dean into a brooding man, and the incessant nonsense that once spilled from his mouth was very nearly missed by the hardened gunslinger that walked by his side.
How long had it been since Susannah was killed in Algul Siento? How long since Jake sacrificed himself for the writer? Neither could answer these questions for time was slipping more now the closer they came to the end of everything. Days could go on and on or, if the mood struck, last only a few short hours before plunging the gunslingers into darkness. More than that, ever since the Devar-Toi both men felt as if they had gone todash and yet that lurking darkness and those tantalizing charms so brilliant they were painful never reached them and if the tell-tale signs of going todash were missing then they couldn't have gone todash at all. Still, the deaths of Susannah and Jake seemed dream-like in a way. Roland chalked it up to ka, Eddie chalked it up to his mind's natural defense in the face of such a disaster.
Night descended on them rapidly, like a blanket being drawn over the sky and Roland gruffly called a halt for the night. They found a small grotto that would keep them from the infectious wind and hide them from the sight of any less favorable company. Walter O' Dim might have been dead, Roland had felt that, but he knew the child of the Crimson King, Mordred, was still alive…his child. He sighed heavily and risked a small fire, bathing the walls of the small cave with an orangey glow. Eddie took his place across the fire from the gunslinger and Roland took a moment to really study his bondsman. Once referred to as his ka-mai, ka's fool, Roland felt he could no longer apply such a term to Eddie in the sense he once used; yes Eddie seemed caught up in the very worst of ka these days, but that wasn't why Roland called him its fool. It had been a rare show of affection the gunslinger hardly ever afforded and it was this reason that kept Eddie from ever snapping at him for the term, because despite their often strained relationship, the two were close and Roland felt comfortable enough thinking of Eddie as a dear friend. Or he did, until the deaths of Susannah, Jake and Oy. Looking at Eddie now left Roland unsettled. Those hazel eyes, once so full of light and mirth were expressionless, the man before him was now an introvert and not once did his eyes rise to meet Roland's though the gunslinger was sure Eddie felt his stare. There were dark circles under Eddie's eyes and he held a haunted aura that concerned Roland. If they kept up much longer, Eddie would succumb to his broken heart and Roland might lose him. He was determined to press on to the Tower, but he'd be lying if the loss of more than half his ka-tet didn't bother him. He missed them deeply, even Oy.
"Eddie," he said his voice soft yet firm. Eddie didn't look at him. Very well then, Roland didn't need him to, he knew the younger man was listening. "This cannot go on; we are barely ka-tet. I fear if we proceed this way the Dark Tower will be lost to us forever."
"Fuck you and your Dark Tower!" Eddie spat with such venom that Roland was nearly rocked back by the force of words alone. Eddie was looking at him now, his eyes filled with anger and hatred. It twisted Roland's heart to see the hate so plainly in Eddie's face, but then he wasn't surprised it was there. It was Roland's quest that led this man's wife to her untimely death. "There's no point anymore, Roland," he sighed, the anger dissipating replaced by pure exhaustion. "I can't sleep, I can't think, all I see is Susannah, all I hear is Susannah." His arms crept unconsciously around his body in a hug and his knees withdrew to his chest, making Eddie Dean seem much younger. "And something else, something telling me this is…wrong, that this isn't how it was all supposed to be."
Roland regarded him for a few moments. Yes, he'd felt it too, but he couldn't describe how and it seemed Eddie had no better luck with it. Eddie rested his forehead on his knees, hiding his face from Roland's sight but Roland could see from the trembling of the other man's shoulders that he was crying. Roland thought that this was a good thing, for Eddie had not cried since the initial passing of his wife and it was clear these negative emotions were starting to eat him alive. He had a new demon on his shoulders and this one's name was Sorrow, just as deadly and more addictive than his old demon Heroin. "Are you hungry?" Roland asked, wanting to drive the man's attention to anything but his dead wife.
"No," Eddie murmured, not looking up.
This was the usual course of the evening. They would stop, Roland would offer to make food, Eddie would deny being hungry and the gunslinger would cook anyway. He would then offer some to Eddie, who would take it and eat a few bites before handing the rest to Roland. Already Eddie was thin, nearly as thin as he was when Roland first met him in New York of 1987. And so Roland cooked and so when the food was offered to Eddie, the younger man took it and ate some of it, leaving most of it untouched and the ritual continued. Roland never pressed Eddie to eat more and Eddie was grateful for that. When the gunslinger finished, he doused the fire and they would sleep, more often than not Roland drifted off to the soft cadence of Eddie's whispered desperation to communicate with Susannah, but he knew that Eddie would not be able to reach her in the end of the clearing, she was beyond him now.
It was not yet dawn when Roland heard the crying. His opened his eyes, faded blues scanning the grotto and seeing Eddie curled up, his body racked with sobs. This could not go on, if Roland did nothing Eddie might very well pass from him forever, becoming a wandering soul with no purpose and wasn't that the reason Eddie Dean really loved Roland in the first place? Because the gunslinger had given his life a purpose when he had tried so hard in the past to have nothing in order to protect the ego of his despicable brother? Roland got up and moved to the other side of the grotto where Eddie lay in the fetal position and hunkered down by him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Eddie stiffened from the touch and looked up at Roland's grave face. Roland didn't say anything, knew that if he didn't Eddie would eventually start talking and sure enough after a few moments, Eddie's eyes welled with fresh tears and he turned so he was facing the gunslinger. "I just need to hold her," he groaned. "I need her in my arms."
Roland had never been one to offer physical comfort, Susan Delgado and a few women aside he rarely touched people unless he could help it, but he recalled those lonely nights on the beach, his body nearly consumed by the venom of the lobstrosities, Eddie's body screaming from withdrawals and on those nights, Roland would practically crush Eddie to him, both holding to the other as if by holding each other they would hold on to their own sanity. When the sickness passed from them, such comfort was no longer needed for Eddie had begun to accept his fate and soon after that Roland drew Odetta Holmes/Detta Walker into his world and Eddie had fallen in love with Odetta, who became Susannah Dean.
So it was that the gunslinger now wrapped his arms around Eddie Dean and so it was that Eddie pressed his face against Roland's chest, no longer crying but now taking deep breaths. They remained like that for a while; Roland letting Eddie take comfort in his firm embrace and finally Eddie pulled his face away from the gunslinger's chest though he kept his grip around him, as if afraid letting go would make Roland vanish. Roland didn't mind, he raised his diminished right hand to Eddie's dark hair and buried his remaining fingers in it, gently stroking him in a soft caress that his mother used to do to him in his youth, though he rarely ever needed it. "I need to love again, Roland, I need it," Eddie whispered.
"Is it not enough that you have my love?" Roland asked. He knew Eddie didn't need platonic love right now, he needed the type of love he found in Susannah, still the gunslinger didn't think it would hurt to show the man he still had something. Eddie was looking at him in a quizzical way, one Roland wasn't sure he particularly liked, and he found that when Eddie tried to meet his lips with the gunslinger's, he wasn't actually surprised, he was more surprised at his lack of shock really. He gripped Eddie's shoulders firmly and pushed him away before the contact could be made and Eddie looked at him angrily. "No," Roland said firmly. "I am sorry Eddie, but you won't find comfort in me in such a way."
"Why?" Eddie demanded, his voice gruff, shaking with emotion. "I need this, I need you for this. How many people have you fucked on this quest of yours? Whether because you had to or because you wanted to? You have to do this for me now because I'm going fucking crazy, if I don't have something to drive my mind off of this I'm going to blow my head off, I know it, I can feel my finger creeping closer and closer to the trigger every night."
It wasn't wholly unexpected. Roland had a feeling it might come up sooner rather than later anyway, Eddie was a man of action, it was the only way he could move on and yet…Roland didn't want to. He had nothing against those who acted in such a manner, those who slept with the same sex didn't harm him in any way and besides he knew this went beyond questioning Eddie's sexuality because it wasn't the question of Eddie wanting to lay with a man, it was that he wanted to lay with his dinh and Roland may as well be genderless to him in that regard. That didn't change the fact, however, that Roland could not succumb to such a train of thought. Though he had no problem with homosexuality, sleeping with a man went against his preference and indeed the idea never enticed him. Besides, sleeping with Eddie would alleviate the pain for tonight perhaps, but how would Eddie feel in the morning? That he betrayed Susannah more than likely and that would only make blowing his brains out even more tempting.
"Please, Roland…anything," Eddie whispered with desperation Roland had only heard color his tone once, when he was pleading Susannah to hold on.
"No," Roland replied.
Anger reappeared in Eddie's eyes and he grabbed the front of the gunslinger's faded shirt. "God damn you!" he snarled. "Can't you see I need this? What will it take to get you to help me? Close your eyes if you can't stomach the image, let me suck you off and you can pretend I'm just some chick, I don't mind playing with yo' candlestick," the last spoken in such a near perfect replication of the late Detta Walker that Roland actually raised a brow in surprise, momentarily forgetting the actual request being made.
"Don't be obscene, Eddie," he finally replied wearily. Eddie's anger drained out of him, replaced by…nothing. It was like Eddie just vanished and the body that slumped tiredly against his own was nothing but a shell. Truly concerned now, Roland maneuvered his hand between them, his fingers under Eddie's chin to tilt his head back. There was still some life to those eyes but for the most part Eddie seemed defeated. Roland would do whatever it took to get to the Dark Tower, why couldn't he do the same to keep the last of his ka-tet in tact? He sighed heavily. "So be it, Eddie, so be it," he finally relented. Eddie's eyes became more focused and he looked at Roland skeptically, ready for disappointment.
Roland stared back levelly and Eddie leaned closer, hesitant at first but when no word of protest came from the gunslinger, Eddie completed the kiss that had been stopped earlier. Roland's eye slipped closed more from habit than anything and he was surprised to find that the supple lips working almost hungrily against his own didn't feel that different from what he was used to. They were soft and full and when a persistent tongue ran against his lips begging entry, Roland allowed it and here is where the difference was. Eddie tasted of sweet masculinity, was it possible to taste such a thing? Roland would have thought the answer was no, now he found it was yes, but it wasn't an unpleasant taste. The gunslinger had been compliant, letting Eddie lead this deep kiss but now as inhibitions faded he took control. He pushed against the body in front of him and Eddie was happy enough to follow the movement without resistance, laying against the cool ground of the cave as Roland positioned himself over the younger man.
Almost roughly, Roland shoved his leg between Eddie's thighs, applying pressure to his groin and Eddie gasped, his eyes rolling back in his head. The gunslinger found he could look at Eddie, that he didn't need to pretend Eddie was a woman, or anything other than Eddie. He could see Eddie's arousal tenting his old jeans and felt the stirrings of his own erection starting as Eddie moaned. Roland leaned in and his lips met Eddie's again, his kiss rough but passionate as he moved his body, his leg slowly grinding into Eddie's erection and making the young man mewl into the heated kiss. He broke from the kiss and let his mouth trail down Eddie's jaw line to his neck where he bit that sun-darkened skin, making Eddie gasp and wince when sharp teeth bit too deep. Roland felt Eddie's hand trailing up his chest, going to the buttons and carefully undoing them. Roland had to give him credit, Eddie's hazel eyes were so blown with lust it was a wonder he didn't just rip the shirt open, something Roland would have hit him upside the head for as this was one of two shirts he owned. Once the gunslinger's chest was bare, Eddie let his hands explore that bare skin and Roland released an appreciative moan at the ministrations.
"Nnn Christ…Roland," Eddie panted, bucking his hips obscenely into Roland's thigh. This wanton display of lust was almost pornographic in Roland's opinion, but rather than dismaying him, it only made his arousal that much harder. When did his mind accept that such an act between he and Eddie wasn't wrong? Surely before this night, if he still held his notion that laying with a man was beyond him and that he and Eddie Dean could never engage in such an activity, than this would not be happening right now. So then, somewhere along the path Roland had accepted that his love for Eddie was perhaps more than what he imagined it to be; he just never had reason to explore it because Eddie had Susannah and the gunslinger didn't want such a relationship.
Roland slipped his left hand beneath the waistband of Eddie's jeans. Back in the Blue Heaven, these pants had fit Eddie, now they were loose, a reason for concern at any other time, right now it was more convenient. He palmed Eddie's member through his underwear, eliciting a longing moan from the other. Roland pulled both pants and undergarments away, moving aside only slightly as Eddie kicked them off entirely. Roland's hands traveled up Eddie's thighs, coming to rest at his manhood. He grasped Eddie's arousal with his left hand and began to pump him slowly. It was easier than he thought it would be, pleasuring Eddie this way. He was a man after all, he knew what turned him on when no one was available, the rhythm his hand needed to follow in order to bring him to that blissful climax, and he used this technique now on Eddie and saw that it was working. Eddie was arching towards his touch, biting at his lower lip, writhing beneath him in such a way that Roland knew the image would be burned into his memory forever.
Eddie suddenly reached out and grabbed his wrist, halting the movement of his hand and Roland raised a brow at him. "I'm…so close," Eddie breathed. "But I want…I want you to…feel it too." Roland canted his head to the side in silent question and Eddie groaned, whether from the absence of that pumping or exasperation at the gunslinger's lack of understanding, Roland could not tell. "Fuck me, Roland," he moaned, rolling his hips into the hand that still held him.
Roland smiled, the gesture making him seem years younger. "No," he said and before Eddie could release the outrage that stole across his face, Roland kissed him. "No, I will not fuck you, Eddie, fucking holds no meaning. Instead, I will make love to you."
Eddie didn't think such romanticism was within the gunslinger's capacity and he actually released a short laugh before draping an arm over his face, hiding his eyes but Roland could see the flush bloom in his cheeks. "Shit…just when I think I have you finally figured out, you go and say that," he whispered and Roland knew that Eddie was deeply touched. The smile faded from Roland's face and he took Eddie's wrist with his right hand and drew the arm from his face so he could look into those hazel eyes. "I have never done this before," he said, knowing he didn't need to indicate he meant with a man. "From my understanding of those who have, there will be pain for you Eddie, perhaps intense pain. As I have no idea how badly it can be, you will tell me if it's too much and we will stop."
Eddie raised a brow and that smirk that Roland was so used to from before Algul Siento reassured the gunslinger that yes, this was really what Eddie needed. Tomorrow may see him gloomy once more, but for now he was content and this moment of contentment might very well save him from hurting himself. "You know I won't," Eddie said. Roland sighed. "There is my fool," he grunted and Eddie chuckled. Roland may not have done this before, but he knew enough about anatomy to know that attempting to simply thrust into Eddie right away might seriously hurt him and whether Eddie said so or not, Roland knew he couldn't risk damaging him too much, he was going through enough mental anguish that physical pain would be nothing but detrimental. So he slipped his hand lower, his finger brushing against Eddie's puckered hole and Eddie gasped, a deep blush coloring his cheeks. Roland's right hand came to rest on Eddie's stomach. "Relax," the gunslinger whispered and Eddie closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. Roland pushed his finger in, surprised at how the muscles resisted so adamantly and heard Eddie groan in clear discomfort.
The hesitation must have shown on Roland's face for Eddie growled, fierce eyes locking on his face. "Don't you dare stop," he ordered. Any other time Roland might have to remind him who the dinh was, but not right now. "As you wish," Roland replied. He began to move his finger, in and out, slowly and sensually and as Eddie felt the pain melting away into pleasure he arched his back, moaning wantonly. Roland slipped another finger in and Eddie cried out. Roland didn't stop this time, if Eddie needed him to stop, Roland was sure he'd know. He began to scissor his fingers, coaxing those tight muscles to relax and stretch so that they would be able to accept Roland's hardened member. He continued this until the muscles stopped resisting the movement of his fingers and then he looked to Eddie once more. "Are you…?" he began.
"Ready? Fuck…yes, yes I'm ready," Eddie groaned.
Roland took a moment to undo his jeans and push them and his undergarments from his hips, feeling relief that his erection wasn't restricted by the thick denim any longer. He spit into his hand and rubbed it over his arousal before he positioned himself over Eddie again, lining up against his entrance. Eddie was shivering in anticipation and then Roland was pushing in. It hurt like hell, so much so that Eddie couldn't quite silence the harsh cry, the noise cut off by Roland's lips crashing onto his again. Eddie's hands grabbed the gunslinger's shoulders so tightly that Roland knew he'd have bruises there tomorrow, his own hands found their way to Eddie's hips and held on tightly, pushing his member in as his hands pulled Eddie's hips closer, allowing him in deeper.
"Nnnn f-fuck, yeeess, hnnn d-don't stop," Eddie whimpered.
Roland thrust in until he was completely buried in the tight walls of Eddie Dean. He moaned deep in his throat, that tightness around his arousal made him, if possible, harder. He began to rock his hips back and forth into Eddie and Eddie moaned with every breath, wrapping his legs around Roland's hips. The gunslinger continued to pepper his lips with kisses, nipping at the bottom lip almost playfully and the next time those lips came close, Eddie closed on them hungrily, their tongues engaging in a brief power struggle that Roland won by angling his hips and thrusting hard enough to hit Eddie's prostrate, making Eddie gasped into the kiss. He cried out, no longer in pain, but in absolute longing and those sounds filled Roland with intense warmth as he increased his rhythm, the sound of skin against skin and pleasured moans filling the grotto.
The climax that was building in Roland was powerful, reminding him of the feeling Susan Delgado elicited from him whenever they lay together, but at the same time it was completely new and foreign because Eddie wasn't Susan, wasn't even close just as Roland wasn't Susannah. Roland knew he was close, could see that Eddie was close as well and so the gunslinger wrapped his fingers around Eddie's arousal again, pumping in time to his thrusts and earning another obscene moan from the younger man. Eddie hit his orgasm and the second his muscles tightened, milking the gunslinger's member, Roland's climax followed suit. They came together, Roland shouting Eddie's name, Eddie shouting Roland's. When both men felt this orgasm pass, Roland pulled out of Eddie reaching over to grab a cloth from his nearby bag and using it to diligently wipe Eddie clean.
Eddie groaned, sounding impatient as he wrested the cloth from Roland's hand and tossed it aside carelessly. He grabbed the gunslinger and pulled him close again. Roland allowed this and lay on his back as Eddie draped his body over him, his head on Roland's shoulder, his arm over Roland's chest and one leg draped over Roland's thighs. Roland smiled faintly, letting his arms circle Eddie and the two fell asleep like that.
When Roland woke up, he was not in a small grotto holding Eddie Dean; he was in a much larger cave, in a sleeping bag. He sat up slowly and saw Jake close by, sleeping on his air mattress and beyond him, Oy was curled up on his bed and finally, he saw Susannah asleep by Eddie, who was also sitting up and looking at him levelly. Everything became clear to Roland in that moment. That feeling that he and Eddie had gone todash, but not todash dawned on him. They had somehow ended up in a future timeline that…Roland was realizing with dread was probably the alternative of what was going to happen. Perhaps it was a version of the Gingerbread House Ted spoke of in the tapes, that place that became whatever you wanted it to be. What Roland and Eddie had wanted, it seemed, was a reason to bring them together.
Now they sat in the pre-dawn stillness of Thunderclap, looking at each other and knowing what they experienced had been real, but was out of reach because Roland knew with certainty that the ka-shume that settled over them since Walter's death was about to be balanced with the death of Eddie Dean. Eddie was going to die when they tried to release the Breakers and the gunslinger knew Eddie was aware of this. Melancholy washed over the gunslinger, to have found this feeling only to have it be denied in the awful face of ka, always ka, was almost too much but there was no way to fight it, Roland had enough experience to know that. He got up and beckoned to Eddie, leaving the cave and going to the smaller one where he and his ka-tet had spoken to Ted, Dinky and Sheemie just the previous night. Eddie followed and they stood at the mouth of that cave in silence. "I understand the truth of this ka-shume now," Roland said heavily.
"As do I," Eddie agreed, he sounded eerily calm. "I'm glad it happened though," he continued, finally looking at Roland. "I'm glad I know what it's like to…be with you." He seemed almost shy now, but Roland found it rather endearing.
The gunslinger drew Eddie to him, placing a chaste kiss to his lips that Eddie returned. It wasn't fueled with the passion of that other world, but there was deep meaning to it all the same. Eddie Dean loved the gunslinger, and the gunslinger returned it.