Harry Potter
A Spoof of the Popular Series
How to Lose a Husband in Ten Hours
This is a spoof that takes place at the end of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's fifth year. Ron and Hermione decide to elope in Hogsmeade, and chaos ensues. Keep in mind that I wrote this several years ago, back before the sixth book came out, so some of it may be a tad out of date.
(Scene: Harry sitting by himself in the Great Hall. The only other people in there are McGonagall and Hagrid, who are making out viciously on the staff table)
Harry: I wonder what it would be like if they had a baby?
Hermione: (Running through the doors) Harry! Ron and I are eloping!
Harry: WHAT?
Hermione: We're eloping! We got bored while playing chess and decided, "Hey! We're not doing anything this Saturday! Why not elope?"
Harry: Because you're 16 for goodness sake!
Hermione: 16 and a half, you foul, you loathsome... uch, I hate you so much! (Runs out crying)
Harry: (Runs out of the Great Hall after Hermione) Hermione wait!
Hermione: No! Get away from me you hag! (Stops at the top of the staircase) I never want to speak to you again! I was going to let you be my bridesmaid at the wedding, but now I think I'll pick Ginny instead!
Harry: Awww, man! (Pause) Wait a minute, Hermione! First of all, if you really are going to elope, then there won't be any bridesmaids to begin with. Second of all, I couldn't be a bridesmaid, I'm not a girl!
Hermione: Shut up! I don't care what you say, Harry! I'm eloping with Ron this Saturday, after we're both done with our homework! We're going to get married in a little chapel in Hogsmeade!
Harry: Over my dead body! (Runs up the stairs toward Hermione)
Hermione: No! (Pushes Harry away from her once he reaches her step)
Harry: ARRRRRGH! (Falls down the stairs, until he lies in a crumpled heap on the floor)
Hermione: Oh my gosh! I killed him! (Pause) Oh well, I guess that's one less order of salmon for the reception!
(Exit Hermione. Cut to Ron and Hermione walking into Hogsmeade. It's Saturday, the day of the wedding)
Hermione: Ron, aren't you excited? Today's our wedding! We're going to be married happily ever after! We're gonna have a house once you get a decent paying job and a large family once we get out of school. Oh I'm going to be popping out babies everywhere! We're gonna have six girls, named Clemence, Edress, Rowena, Lana, Zimbabwe, Opalabiscuitnaborski... and then six boys, named Rugusto, Regina, Polo, Luey Anderson, Gargantuan, and Trigusta. We might even adopt a little Mexican British boy, wouldn't that be fun?
Ron: (Exasperatedly) Hermione, how do you expect us to have 12 children? My parents can barely manage six kids
Hermione: Seven, Ron.
Ron: Well, we don't really include Ginny as part of the family...
Hermione: Whatever. We can worry about that after we graduate from Hogwarts, because there's no way I'm going to be carrying a baby around to all my classes. Oh! I almost forgot! Where are we going for our honeymoon?
Ron: Well, Hagrid told us he'd let us use his cabin.
Hermione: (Disappointed) We're having our honeymoon in Hagrid's cabin? How long is it going to be?
Ron: (Nervous) Well er... just one night.
Hermione: (Angry) OUR HONEYMOON IS JUST ONE NIGHT?
Ron: Well, I have loads of homework to do next week!
(Ron and Hermione walk into Hogsmeade Village)
Hermione: (Calming down) I suppose you're right. So what do you think you're going to give me for our first anniversary gift, next year? I have some ideas myself
Ron: (Annoyed) It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding, you know.
Hermione: Oh please, Ron! That's just a silly Muggle superstition... Now let's get married!
Ron: Already?
Hermione: Well, we're in front of the wedding chapel, silly!
Ron: I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, Hermione...
Hermione: Oh, come on! (Pushes Ron into the chapel, and then enters herself)
(Inside the chapel, Sirius who conveniently isn't dead Snape, and Dumbledore are standing with bridesmaid dresses on. McGonagall, Luna Lovegood, and Hedwig all have tuxedos on)
Hermione: What's going on?
Ron: That's what I'd like to know! Why are all of you here?
Dumbledore: Well, we heard that you two were getting married, so we decided we'd surprise you by being here! Surprise!
Luna: (Looking dreamy) Weddings are so unimportant. Daddy says it's just a way for the Ministry to keep tabs on us, so that they can
Hermione: Who invited her to the wedding?
McGonagall: Look, the point is that we're all here and ready to celebrate your future together, Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger... or should I say, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley?
Hermione: Well, this is great! Really, it is... but we were kind of hoping that we could have a small wedding.
Sirius: Nonsense! We all want to be here for this joyous occasion!
McGonagall: And by the way, your parents say, "We wish we could come, but we don't want to."
Ron: (Sarcastically) Well that's pleasant of them!
Snape: Where's our flower girl? And the ring bearer? I want to get this wedding started!
Dumbledore: Patience, Severus, they will be here.
(Wedding music plays)
Sirius: Well speak of the devil! Looks like the wedding's about to start!
Hermione: Oh gosh! Oh gosh! We're really going to do this, aren't we?
Ron: (Nervous) Yep! I suppose so!
Snape: Well, what are you waiting for, Weasley? Get up here! (Does a spell that pulls Ron to the front of the aisle)
Hedwig: Wait! Wait! Where's our minister?
(Everyone gasps)
Ron: You can talk?
Hedwig: (Looking embarrassed) No...
Snape: The crazy talking owl has a point! Where's our minister?
(Cricket noise)
Snape: Well, I guess I'll have to do it then!
McGonagall: But Severus, you aren't worthy to be a minister!
Snape: Nonsense! I got ordained online... now let's start this thing! Flower girl, ring bearer! Come in.
Malfoy: (Walks in with a pink dress on, goes down the aisles throwing flowers around)
Jessica Simpson: (Walks in with pillow and ring, humming to herself) Hmmm, where am I?
Snape: Let the ceremony begin! Will everyone please take their seats?
Ron: Um, professor, there aren't any seats in here.
Snape: SILENCE! Ten points from Gryffindor.
McGonagall: You can't take ten points from the groom's house! It's outrageous!
Snape: YOU'RE outrageous! Now, if I can proceed with the ceremony... Do you, Ronald, take Hermione
McGonagall: You forgot the vows, Severus.
Snape: Did I? How do you know I didn't just SKIP the vows, Minerva, so that I could get to my cocktail party?
Luna: You're being rather rude, you know.
Snape: (Glaring at her) Who are you?
Hermione: Can we please continue with the ceremony? I want to get to Honeydukes to buy our wedding dinner!
Snape: Very well, very well. Do you, Ronald, take Hermione to be your magically wedded wife?
Ron: (Smiling at Hermione) I do.
Snape: And do you, Hermione, take Ronald to be your magically wedded husband?
Ron: I do.
Snape: It's HER turn to say it, you fool!
Ron: Oh... sorry.
Hermione: (Smiling) I do!
Snape: Really? Hermione, you could do so much better.
Hermione: Your mom could do so much better!
Malfoy: (In high voice) That is so disrespectful to mothers, I– HATE– you! (Runs out crying)
Snape: Rings, please!
Jessica Simpson: (Just stands there, smiling, looking around at everybody)
Snape: Jessica, would you please bring me the rings?
Jessica: Oh, were you talking to me? I'm sorry! (Takes the rings to Snape)
Snape: There you go! (Hands rings to Ron and Hermione)
Ron and Hermione: (Smiling at each other as they put the rings on each others' hands)
Snape: If anyone thinks that this marriage should not take place, speak now, or forever hold your peace!
Luna: (In tears) I don't think they should get married! Ron is the love of MY life! We belong together! Please, Ron, reconsider! Would you rather be with this girl, who is obviously in denial, or would you rather be with me, and search for crumple horned snork acks for the rest of your life? Do not marry Hermione, or you'll never forgive yourself! NEVER! (Runs out)
(Awkward silence for five minutes)
Snape: Well, if there are no further objections, I now pronounce you husband and wife! Hermione, I hope you learn to keep your mouth shut. And Ron, I hope you're better at marriage than you are at Potions. You may kiss the bride.
Ron and Hermione: (Kiss passionately)
Everyone else: Awwww!
Snape: Laverto!
Ron and Hermione: (Break apart)
Ron: What did you just do?
Snape: I placed the Lover's Jinx on you. If either of you cheats on the other one while you're alive, you'll die!
Hermione: Well that's pleasant!
(Cut to Hagrid's house, at Ron and Hermione's "honeymoon")
Hermione: Oh, Ron! Have you ever been so happy?
Ron: Yeah, sure. Does Hagrid have a loo?
Hermione: I was just thinking that! I wonder what Hagrid does when he needs to go to the bathroom?
Ron: Oh, look! There's a note on his door!
(Shows the note)
Hagrid's Voice: Ter Mr. and Mrs. Weasley,
Congratulations ter the new married couple! I wish a lifetime of happiness ter yeh both! I really hope you guys can make it through life tergether. As you might know, me and Minerva have decided ter split up-
(Shows Ron and Hermione again)
Hermione: Oh no! Poor Hagrid! I do hope he's all right!
Ron: Wait, there's more!
(Shows note again)
Hagrid's Voice: Don't you two worry yer betrothed little heads, though. Things didn' work out because Minerva's parents didn' approve of me. Sometimes I stare at McGonagall through the window, and I can see her starin' back through those sexy square-rimmed spectacles...
(Shows the couple again)
Ron: Man! This letter goes on forever!
Hermione: Oh, forget this! I need to go to the bathroom!
Ron: Yeah, me too! What do you say we head up to the castle?
Hermione: (Without hesitation) Agreed.
(The couple exits Hagrid's hut and heads toward the castle)
Voldemort: (Pops out of nowhere in front of Ron and Hermione and holds hands up) Stop!
Ron: Oh my gosh! It's LORD VOLDEMORT!
Hermione and Voldemort: Well, DUH!
Voldemort: Come here, Miss Granger.
Hermione: Why? What do you want from me?
Voldemort: It is necessary that one of you dies tonight. Don't ask, just accept! I chose you, Hermione, because you're a mudblood. Plus I don't like your outfit all that much.
Hermione: Don't take me, take someone less important! (Looks around frantically, looks at Ron, then pushes him forward) Take Ron!
Voldemort: Very well. (Grabs Ron's arm)
Ron: (Struggling) What? No, Hermione! What are you doing?
Hermione: Sorry, Ronald! I can't die without taking my N.E.W.T.'s!
Ron: But what about our future together? What about our house? What about our twelve children?
Hermione: Eh, I can always find someone else to do all that with.
Ron: I can't believe you're saying this!
Hermione: Goodbye, Ron. (Kisses him) I will always have pumpkin juice! (Runs up to the castle)
Ron: I'll haunt you for this, Granger! I mean Weasley. Whatever...
Voldemort: (Pointing his wand at Ron) Avada Kedavra!
(Cut to Hermione coming out of the bathroom. A ghost version of Ron is waiting for her in the hall)
Hermione: Oh hey, Ron! What's up?
Ron: Do you notice anything different about me?
Hermione: Not really… Oh wait, I know! You got a haircut!
Ron: I'm a ghost, you idiot!
Hermione: You're dead? When did that happen?
Ron: You just let Voldemort kill me!
Hermione: Did I? I don't remember that. Then again, I think I'm still a bit tipsy from the reception.
Ron: We didn't have any alcohol at the reception.
Hermione: OK, what is this really about, Ron?
Ron: I want an apology.
Hermione: Not gonna happen. Can't I just buy you dinner?
Ron: I can't eat, Hermione. I'm a ghost!
Hermione: Oh, get over it!
Ron: I don't think we should see each other anymore, Hermione.
Hermione: Why, are you seeing another woman? Is it that tramp Hannah Abbott from Herbology?
Ron: Ew, no, she's hideous!
(Hannah Abbott emerges from behind a suit of armor and runs away, crying)
Ron: We're done, Hermione. I've already moved on. It's time you did the same. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, where we'll make beautiful bathroom floods together. So, until we meet again, which hopefully will never happen, I bid you adieu.
Hermione: Yeah, not listening. Look, if you're not going to come to the cabin tonight, I'll just go up to my dormitory. But don't come crying to me when you get over this whole me sacrificing you to Voldemort thing, because this (slaps her bum, making a freakishly loud smacking noise) will not stay on the market for long, you know what I'm saying? (Walks away)
(Cut to Hermione sitting in the common room, alone, stroking Crookshanks)
Hermione: I can't believe Ron's dead. And I have to tell his family. They're going to be so upset when they find out it was my fault—especially Ginny. She always overreacts to everything!
Ginny: (Emerges from behind the curtains) I heard that, Hermione. And I couldn't help but overhear that you're looking for a new boyfriend.
Hermione: I never said I'm looking for a new boyfriend.
Ginny: I think I know how to help you with your problem. You see, Parvati runs the Hogwarts Speed Dating Service, and I'm sure she'd be happy to tell you when the next session is.
Hermione: Why did they pick the sluttiest girl in the school to run the speed dating service?
Parvati: (Standing up from behind a couch) You're not gonna get any help from me with that attitude, you little ho! No offense.
Hermione: Saying "no offense" doesn't take the offense away!
Parvati: Whatever. Look, the next speed dating session is this Saturday at eight, in the Great Hall. Be there, or be a lesbian. Seamus said he'd be there!
Hermione: I hate Seamus with a fiery passion!
Seamus: (Comes out of the fireplace) I don't care for you too much either, Hermione!
Hermione: Why are you all popping out of random places like that?
Seamus: We were just playing hide-and-go-seek, Hogwarts style.
Parvati: Hermione, I can't possibly imagine a boy ever liking you, but I think you should at least give speed dating a shot. You might even decide you like it!
Hermione: I don't know... on the first day of school, Harry said, "You might even decide you like Parvati!" But that hasn't happened yet, now has it?
Ginny: Come on, Hermione, just give it a chance! I had a blast doing speed dating; I often ended up making out with twelve guys in one night!
Hermione: Yeah, but you're naturally promiscuous.
Ginny: Be that as it may, there's a promiscuous girl in everyone, even in the boys! You just have to believe...
Hermione: You know, I aspire to be a lot of things, but promiscuous is not one of them.
Ginny: Shh, Hermione, shhhhhh.
Parvati: Hermione, if you don't give the speed dating a shot, I won't be your friend anymore.
Hermione: We're not friends anyway, Parvati!
Parvati: Then I'll start hanging out with you every day.
Hermione: (Quickly) I'll do the speed dating.
Parvati: Oh, Hermione, I'm so excited for me! I mean you. Do you need help getting ready?
Hermione: No, I'll probably just go looking like I usually do.
Parvati: I'm sorry, I think I just threw up in my mouth. You can't be serious!
Hermione: What's wrong with the way I look?
Parvati: (Looks Hermione over with a blank look on her face) You know, I think Luna knows a makeover spell that will be perfect for you.
Hermione: I don't want a makeover from that itch!
Parvati: Great! Now we're halfway to getting a guy to like you. If only we could completely make over your personality, you'd have a really good chance of finding someone.
Hermione: Hey, I have a fantastic personality.
Parvati: Again, throw up in the mouth.
Hermione: I don't know about this, you guys. What if I don't find anybody at the speed dating?
Parvati: Oh, you probably won't. You'll be lucky if any of the guys spend more than five seconds with you. But it'll still be fun!
Ginny: Don't listen to her, Hermione. You'll find someone at the speed dating session this Saturday!
Hermione: (With confidence) You're right! There's no way I'm not going to find anybody this weekend.
Ginny: Well, don't get too cocky. There's always the chance that you won't find anyone.
Hermione: But you just said–
Ginny: Shhh, Hermione, stop!
Hermione: I'm going to bed. I need my beauty sleep for this Saturday.
Parvati: Ain't that the truth!
Hermione: You have a very awkward nose. (Walks into girls' dormitory. Goes into seventh-year dorm and sits on her bed, where Crookshanks is now laying). Hello, Crookshanks. (Starts petting him) At least I have one friend left in this world.
(Crookshanks jumps and clings onto Hermione's face, smothering her. Muffled screams come from Hermione. Ginny walks in)
Ginny: Oh no! (Points wand at Crookshanks) Avada Kedavra!
(Crookshanks falls to the ground, dead)
Hermione: Did you really have to kill him?
Ginny: Yes.
Hermione: You could have just stunned him! And besides, you almost killed me, Ginny!
Ginny: I was willing– and hoping– to make that sacrifice.
Hermione: (Taking out wand) You're gonna pay for that one, Ginny.
Ginny: Oh, wait! I just realized that this isn't my dorm room! I'm a year below you, so my dorm is down one floor... silly me! (Walks out)
Hermione: Wait, come back here! Dang it!
Parvati: (Crawling out from under a bed) Don't you hate it when people walk out on you right when you're about to hex them?
Hermione: How did you get up here so quickly?
Parvati: That is neither here nor there, Hermione.
Hermione: Then… where is it?
Parvati: Let's plot revenge on Ginny. You know, she really doesn't like it when she's blamed for something she didn't do. So, tomorrow, you're going to set off a stink bomb in the Great Hall and Ginny's going to get framed. Sound appealing?
Hermione: No.
Parvati: Come on, it's the perfect plan! And it won't fail. I pull pranks all the time, I even pulled one on Ashton Kutcher himself!
Hermione: Parvati, why have you been so nice to me lately? You used to never miss a chance to insult me, and now you're trying to give me advice? Are you being possessed by some kindly spirit?
Parvati: I don't think so... I've never been possessed before... except for that one time when Halle Berry and I switched bodies, but that was with my permission.
Hermione: Shut up!
Parvati: I know! Pretty unbelievable, isn't it?
Hermione: No, I mean seriously shut up! Stop talking! I want to go to bed.
Parvati: You can't go to bed! Stay up for another few days! We haven't had girl talk for a while...
Hermione: We've never had girl talk!
Parvati: It's just... I feel like I've been really mean to you, and I really want to start over.
Hermione: Oh… well, I would like that! So... what do you want to talk about?
Parvati: Boys! Or maybe gas prices.
(Enter Lavender Brown)
Lavender: Hey girls and Hermione!
Hermione: So yeah, the gas prices are getting really ridic–
Parvati: Shhh, Hermione, don't care! So Lavender, what do you think of that new boy in our Potions class?
Lavender: We're not taking Potions anymore, Parvati.
Parvati: Shhhh, get me out of this conversation! Hermione is such a bore!
Hermione: You said we could be friends, you slut!
Parvati: I am not a slut! Ok, so I'm going out with sixteen boys right now, and three of those boys are brothers, and I'm also just making out with random people I pass in the hall, and I wear these really revealing outfits, but that does not make me a slut!
Hermione: Shut up! (Picks Parvati and throws her against the wall)
(Parvati falls to the ground, limp and lifeless. Lavender runs over to her and feels her pulse.)
Lavender: Oh no, you killed her!
Hermione: Really?
Lavender: Psych! I feel a pulse.
Hermione: (Fussing) You shouldn't get a person's hopes up, Lavender! (Goes to bed, sucking her thumb)
(Cut to Saturday night. Hermione enters the Great Hall, where dozens of small tables are placed. A bunch of boys are standing against one hall, and a bunch of girls are standing against the opposite hall. Hermione stands in line with the girls. Parvati walks up to her)
Hermione: This had better be good, Parvati! I gave up a perfectly good night of doing nothing and getting fat for this! If I don't find a guy to marry by tonight, I'm suing you!
Parvati: Hermione, you can't expect to meet someone, fall in love, and get married in one night! These things take time, especially for someone like you, who has so little going for her.
Hermione: What is that supposed to mean?
Parvati: Look, I don't have the time or energy to go through my list of criticisms for you right now.
Hermione: You know what? I've just realized that I don't want to get dating help from a tramp like you. I'm leaving!
Parvati: OK!
Hermione: Really? You're giving up that easily? But you worked so hard to get me here!
Parvati: That's because this is a set-up. There's no speed-dating at Hogwarts. It was banned after the Hogwarts pregnancy rate skyrocketed. I just gathered everybody here to have a surprise party for you!
Everyone else: SURPRISE!
Hermione: (Shocked) Um… what is this for?
Parvati: To celebrate your birthday, silly!
Hermione: My birthday isn't for another seven months, Parvati.
Parvati: Be that as it may, this should more than make up for all the horrible things I've said and done to you, including that potion I slipped into your pumpkin juice this morning.
Hermione: What potion?
Parvati: The potion that makes you pregnant. Congratulations, you're going to have a baby!
Hermione: Oh no…. not again.
Parvati: What?
Hermione: Wait a minute… I didn't drink pumpkin juice this morning, Parvati.
Parvati: Well then who did I give the potion to?
Voice: (Coming from the doorway) Me.
(Everybody turns. Professor McGonagall is standing in the doorway)
Parvati: Ew, you're preggers? But you're viciously old!
McGonagall: Six thousand points from Gryffindor! And besides, it wasn't me who said it, it was the person standing behind me.
(McGonagall moves aside to reveal Angelina Jolie)
Parvati: Angelina Jolie? What are you doing here?
Angelina: My dear, I am a Hogwarts alumni.
Hermione: You're a witch?
Angelina: More of a seductress, really, but yes, I do have magical powers. I just came here for a brief visit. Little did I know I would end up pregnant! This makes baby number 26! I never should have stopped in the Great Hall and stolen that goblet of pumpkin juice from that ugly, frizzy-haired girl.
Hermione: Hey, who are you calling frizzy-haired?
The End