DISPARITY
Set sometime after "Not Fade Away", Illyria and Angel have a discussion.
Disclaimer: Angel belongs to Mutant Enemy, Joss Whedon, etc.
"The blood of your friends is on my garments," Illyria told Angel, pacing all the while. She paused when he did not respond, letting her blue stare pierce into him. "Do you mourn for them?"
Angel swallowed. "Yes."
"Why? From the day they were conceived and born into this world as naked, wailing infants, this day was meant to come. All mortals one day meet their ends, so why mourn them when their time comes?"
"It was never supposed to happen this way," Angel responded coldly.
Illyria refocused her gaze. "You feel responsible for their deaths. Why?"
"Isn't it obvious," Angel asked, annoyed now more than anything.
Illyria did not answer and continued to stare at him.
"I put them in danger. I sent them to this apocalypse."
"They willingly laid down their lives for your ideals," Illyria corrected. "Their deaths were of no fault of yours."
Angel could not respond and let out a heavy sigh. Moments passed, not one speaking each starring vacantly at the cracked asphalt.
"You were with Wesley when he died," Angel at last said.
Illyria's head snapped up to meet his gaze, but she did not respond.
"Did you feel anything?"
Illyria darted her gaze to the ground once more. "I felt...this shell felt sorrow for Wesley's passing. It is a repugnant emotion."
"You don't feel anything," Angel said, more to himself.
"This shell is as much apart of me as I am of it," Illyria began, but quickly hesitated. "Burkle would have felt sorrow for his passing."
"And therefore you do too," Angel asked. "Tell me, does Fred even exist anymore, somewhere within you, or is she, as we've presumed, another friend lost to this conflict?"
"Your question is invalid. You imply disparity between beings were none exists. Winifred Burkle does not exist anymore, but neither does the old one."
Illyria stopped and searched the night sky. "I cannot describe it to you. I hate what I have become, and yet I exist, while others did not escape this day with their lives. It seems too unlikely an event to be." She stopped once more. "You cannot possibly understand what it is like to fall so far."
"You forget that I also house two beings," Angel answered.
"You dare compare your existence to mine, vampire?"
"I might not be an old one, but I don't have to be to understand," Angel responded. "I remember everything, all the horrible things I did before I was cursed with a soul."
Angel stopped, suddenly pained by his thoughts.
"That's why I came here. Redemption."
"To atone for the things that Angelus did, you mean," Illyria asked.
"Angelus. Angel. Many times there appears to be no distinction," Angel requited. "For instance, the harm, the damage that came of my actions....it was more characteristic of—"
"Silence," Illyria commanded. "You're logic is flawed. You mean to atone for actions that you have not committed. You seek to atone based on the memories of a being who is not you."
"Angelus is a part of me, Illyria," Angel retorted.
"But he is not you," Illyria answered. "The ensouled vampire named Angel sits before me, not the demon Angelus."
For the first time since all that had happened, Angel allowed himself a smile. Illyria looked quizzically at the expression but turned away immediately following.
After a moment Angel spoke up. "Illyria, I think you're right. Our bodies host two beings, but one is always more prevalent."
"You speak truth," Illyria concurred.
"Only I don't think I was just talking to Illyria."
For the first time, a trace of a smile slid to Illyria's face. "Perhaps you are right."