The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been turned off. I just thought it was time for a new couple to bicker. Besides Archer and Lana. Or Ron and Mallory. Then I had a thought…
Romance Should Come With An Off Switch
"Oh my God Lana!" Archer groaned as he walked into the break room. "Give it a rest already!" He was wearing a blue shirt and black underwear. And tan loafers with blue socks.
"No, I will not!" Lana snapped as she followed him.
"I see it's Causal Friday again," Ray quipped as he drank his coffee at the table. Pam and Cheryl were with him.
"I thought it was only Tuesday?" Cheryl blinked.
Archer and Lana ignored them. "I can't believe you would throw away everything we've worked for…" Lana went on.
"I'm not throwing away anything!" Archer interrupted.
"You certainly threw yourself at Veronica Deane!" Lana barked.
"How long are you going to bitch about that?" Archer shouted as they left the break room.
"How long are you going to obsess about that bitch?" Lana shot back.
"I am not obsessed with Veronica Deane!" Archer protested.
"Then why did I catch you googling her in your office?" Lana shouted. "WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN!"
"A, I was doing research on her," Archer pointed out. "Googling is such a subversive term."
"Newsflash Archer," Lana glared at him. "You don't need your pants off to do research!"
"Technically you don't need them on either," Archer shrugged.
"The kind of research you do, no you don't!" Lana snapped.
"Okay, in the second place!" Archer was flustered. "I spilled coffee on my pants!"
"That's not all you probably spilled," Lana snapped. "I could see your erection from across the hall."
"Okay maybe there was one picture of her in a baiting suit I happened to find," Archer admitted.
"AGGGH!" Lana turned on her heel and walked away.
"It was from the movie August Beach!" Archer shouted as he went after her. "It's a classic!"
"A classic excuse for you to jerk off!" Lana snapped.
"Speaking of jerks…" Ray groaned. "It's déjà vu all over again!"
"Again, it's Tuesday," Cheryl pointed out.
"I mean…" Ray said slightly annoyed. "Those two are fighting like they're at the Hatfield and McCoy's wedding banquet."
"Weren't they enemies?" Cheryl was confused.
"Yes," Ray said. "But a Hatfield and a McCoy got married to each other. But it didn't stop the feud. And the marriage ended in a disaster. Just like this so called second time around for their relationship."
"I can't understand why Lana just won't let it go," Cheryl scoffed. "I mean it was just a kiss after all."
"Probably because Lana's a woman," Ray shrugged.
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Pam snapped.
"Yeah!" Cheryl snapped as well.
"Now don't jump down my throat y'all," Ray said. "I'm just pointing out women take relationships more seriously. Women are in the most part biologically wired to need relationships."
"Then how do you explain Cyril?" Pam gave him a look.
"Well in every species there's always a few mutants," Ray gave her a look.
"That's true," Pam said. "I guess there's some truth in what you're saying Ray. Women are just more nurturing than men. Because we're more invested in our relationships. The main reason I was such a great HR manager was that I was so nurturing."
"Pam," Ray gave her a look. "You completely sucked at being an HR manager. You spent more time drinking, eating and gossiping than actually doing work."
"You mean providing nourishment, hydration and being involved with my co-worker's lives!" Pam corrected.
"Involved?" Ray asked. "Pam you spied on our conversations, read our personal files then gossiped about them to anyone who would listen! You are and still and incorrigible gossip!"
"Yes, but in a nurturing sense," Pam told him.
"Pam," Ray rolled his eyes. "When you hide your feet in a bathroom stall while other people are talking so you can hear what they're saying. And then go out and tell everybody else what those people said…It's called something else!"
"Speaking of something else…" Pam groaned. "This latest fight between Lana and Archer is getting old. It's like for all their talk about growing and changing, they're right back to where they started."
"Believe it or not, Pam," Mallory sighed as she walked in holding a drink. "I agree with you."
"Stop the presses," Ray said sarcastically. "Apparently Hell has frozen over."
"Yes, I get it Miss Manners," Mallory hissed at Ray. "But even I have to admit that Pam has a point. This fight between Sterling and Lana has been done to death. And surprise! It's Sterling's fault. Who could have seen that coming?"
"I dunno," Cheryl thought. "Lana's trust issues aren't exactly on the sidelines here."
"And you don't think she has a right to mistrust Archer?" Ray asked. "After all he's done to her? And is doing to her now?"
"Ray it takes two to tango," Pam pointed out.
"Which is what Sterling practically did with Veronica Deane," Mallory said. "Horizontally."
"They could have done it standing up," Pam added. "Or…"
"PAM!" Mallory snapped.
"Just saying," Pam shrugged. "I'd do her."
"You'd do…" Mallory began. "Pick a name in the phone book."
"Yeah but Lana totally shares the blame for this," Cheryl shrugged.
"Are you out of your mind?" Ray snapped.
"I take it that's a rhetorical question?" Mallory groaned.
"It's not just me right?" Ray asked Mallory.
"No, I'm with you on this," Mallory admitted. "Sterling definitely is to blame here."
"We didn't say Archer didn't share at least half the blame here," Pam spoke up.
"HALF?" Ron and Mallory said at the same time.
"Jinx," Ray pointed at Mallory.
"You owe him a coke," Cheryl spoke up.
"There's cocaine?" Pam's ears perked up.
"The soda!" Cheryl shouted.
"Oh," Pam said. "What was I talking about again?"
"At the risk of destroying more of my brain cells with your idiocy," Mallory sighed. "We were saying how we were all getting sick of this stupid endless fight between Sterling and Lana. Even I would like a change of pace around here!"
"OH MY GOD WILL YOU GIVE IT A REST WOMAN?" Krieger's booming voice was heard.
"YOU GIVE IT A REST!" Mitsuko was heard shrieking. "MY CHERRY BLOSSOMS NO LONGER WILT FOR YOU!"
"They haven't wilted for years!" Krieger snapped as he stormed in with Mitsuko floating behind him. "They don't wilt at all! You're a god damn hologram!"
"How about that?" Ray pointed.
"Well it is different," Mallory sighed as Krieger and Mitsuko argued. "I'll give them that."
"And here we go!" Mitsuko threw up her arms. "And here we go!"
"I wish they'd both go," Cheryl grumbled.
"This is why you not take our relationship seriously!" Mitsuko snapped pointing her finger at Krieger. "You consider me just a hologram!"
"Well you are!" Krieger protested. "Technically."
"And technically you are just a partially shaved monkey grown out of a test tube!" Mitsuko snapped. "Yeah, Mitsuko went there!"
"Oh dear God," Mallory groaned. "The stupidity of this agency never ceases to astound me."
"You don't understand me!" Krieger shouted at Mitsuko. "You never understood me!"
"And whose fault you think that is?" Mitsuko snapped. "I can't help it if you don't program me to understand you!"
"You are just like your mother board!" Krieger snapped.
"Don't bring my mother board into this!" Mitsuko snapped. "I am not her!"
"I'll say you're not!" Krieger snapped. "Her I could shut off!"
"The highlight of my day," Mallory groaned as Krieger and Mitsuko kept bickering. "The Nazi nitwit and the hologram harpy going at it."
"I know," Cheryl admitted. "Those two aren't a good couple."
"But maybe…?" Pam thought aloud. "Ray have you ever considered…?"
"No, thank you!" Ray snapped. "Krieger and I are quite happy to stay in the Friend Zone for right now."
"Damn it woman! I'm a man who has needs!" Krieger shouted. "And sometimes I need to dissect things more than sex!"
"I see your point," Pam told him.
"Duh!" Ray rolled his eyes.
"Don't forget Mitsuko!" Krieger snapped. "You need me way more than I need you!"
"HA!" Mitsuko snapped. "Then if you not so desperate for companionship, why did you feel the need to create me? An artificial woman made of light when all you had to do was go to a bar or something?"
"You know I don't feel comfortable around the single's scene," Krieger frowned.
"Was that before or after all the restraining orders?" Mitsuko sneered.
"So about this theory of yours about women needing relationships more than men…?" Pam gave Ray a look.
"Well there's always exceptions to the rule," Ray winced.
"I'll do it!" Krieger took out a remote. "I will push this button and delete you!"
"That doesn't delete me and you know it!" Mitsuko snapped. "That only reboots my system for an hour!"
"It's still an hour of peace and quiet away from you!" Krieger snapped.
"You think I don't know what you're really doing down in the lab with those…?" Mitsuko began.
Then Krieger pushed the button. Mitsuko disappeared. "Now if only all relationships could come with an off switch," Krieger grumbled.
"I know right?" Cheryl agreed.
"Does anyone want to know what that was all about?" Mallory groaned as Krieger left the room.
"No," The others said as one.
"Me neither…" Mallory groaned as she finished her drink.