A/N This is for all those who want to know if Jacob is ok - for those who want closure Enjoy.
"Jacob. Jacob," she whimpers helplessly into my ears.
"Jacob," she repeats, tears lacing her voice with harmony.
I force myself deeper into her while she clutches my neck to her chest for dear life, grunting as I do so.
"Jacob," she says again, getting louder and squeezing me harder in between tears that fall from her eyelashes and into the crease between her cheek and eyelid. I grunt again to avoid hearing the helpless sound. She sighs and unlocks her legs from around my waist to indicate she wanted me to stop thrusting, but I didn't though. She cries louder and squeezes tighter.
"Jacob, please."
I grunt a third time, focusing my thoughts on something other than her. I glance up for a split second passed the sweaty and glistening white skin I was over and a pang of pain hits me in the chest. All I saw was Leah's tan skin, those hazel eyes, and perfect body that I'd spent my adolescent life lusting after. She was here and she was watching us, and I didn't want her to be. I wanted to focus on the women under me, but I couldn't.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"It's okay, baby," she whimpers. "Just be gentle, okay? Please."
My hips slow down at her command. I bury my face back into her chest and kiss along her breast lovingly while her moans of pain turn to ones of pleasure. Her legs refold over my hips and lower back.
The sensation of our intimacy should be enjoyable, and it is to a certain extent. I love being with her a lot, but that sensation is overcome with unresolved demons that still like to haunt me.
My thighs shift against my bedsheets while she meets every thrust accordingly.
"Jacob," she moans blissfully.
"Fuck," I respond, leaning back and kneeling while setting her legs over my shoulders. I thrust forward and forward, pushing her closer to an edge she wasn't used to. She places her hand between us and rattles her clit, causing her legs to shake as well as her face.
The darkness of the room can't differentiate one woman from the other. Nessie and Leah switch multiple times, and I shake my own face to focus. Nessie gets louder, clawing at my bedsheets with her perfect nails. Her voice gets deeper, matching how Leah's used to when she'd moan my full name in utter ecstasy. The tears waste no time welling up in my eyes when I lean forward and thrust at the speed and depth I was before. The moans had turned to whimpers again.
"Jacob, stop," she begs.
I grunt another time when every memory of Leah and I returns The tears descend off my face and onto hers.
She gasps repeatedly and squeezes me. "Jacob."
I feel a sensation in my inner thighs as well as my balls even as they continue to slap against her ass. My abs tighten.
"Jacob," she cries and looks up at me. I stare back intently, forcing her brown eyes, white skin, and various other vampire features into my head. My lips crash hard on hers, and our tears mix in a salty and watery tang.
"Leah," I moan aloud.
Leah's gasps fill my ears, making them ring, as she digs her nails in my back. "Fuck," she whispers.
"You like, baby girl?"
She kisses me now and nods, at lost for words. Her mouth is open in a hollow circle, her lips shaking just as vigorously as the rest of her taut body. Thrusting viciously, I hold her tighter and pray for her to stay forever. When she begins to fade from me, the tears continue.
"Leah," I say softly and unsurely, beginning to find pleasure in my actions. "Leah, baby. Don't leave."
It's silent except for the sound of our skin colliding rapidly, and just like that, she's gone again.
"Lee-lee," I exhale desperately through running tears and a closed throat. "Leah, Leah, Leah, Leah," I chant as if her name is a ritual and by God's grace, she'll return just in time for my orgasm. It takes several pushes to be brought over the edge and in between tears, I collapse onto my girlfriend, involuntarily muttering and damn near hollering Leah's name. My orgasm is so intense and sudden that I can feel my heart pulse through my toes and fingertips and the fact that we didn't use a condom is a minor detail to me. She carefully holds me close to her, kissing my head when she detects my tears are from sadness and not the overwhelming orgasm I just experienced.
"I'm sorry," I say, bawling onto her Nessie's chest. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, fuck."
She sniffles. "It's okay, baby, just go to sleep."
"Leah," I say again and remove myself from inside of her to lay by her side. She keeps my head safe in her embrace. "Leah."
Nessie squeezes me.
"I'm sorry," I say again. "I'm sorry I need her so much."
She just nods. "Go to sleep, Jacob."
I slept peacefully and awoke slowly the next morning. My cheek lay upon Nessie's cold stomach overtop her bellybutton and piercing hooked onto it. I nudge the charm out of my face with my nose and use slight movement to look up at her. She's awake but not moving as she stares at the ceiling with a solemn expression and her hand aimlessly scratching through my scalp soothingly.
I move my left arm upward to run my fingers over her ribcage and down to her hips. She stays just as she was as I kiss along her midriff.
"Morning, babe," I say first. She hums a weak response and turns her body on to her side, my lips landing onto her back now.
She's still mad.
I sigh and get out of bed and go down the hall to my bathroom. In between peeing, I stare intently at myself in the mirror to see that my eyes are puffy from crying last night. I flush the toilet, wash my hands, and when I enter my room, Nessie is out of bed shimmying into her jeans shorts.
"You leaving?" I ask, panicked.
"I got work. Pastor Reynolds wants me at the church early today."
The upset and purely unsatisfied look on her face shows she's lying and just wants to get the hell away from me.
"You can't stay another hour?" I press and walk over to where she is to wrap my huge hand around her tiny waist. She pulls away and her tiny breasts jiggle. I try the action again, but she slaps my hands this time.
"Love to, but I can't," she says sternly and searches through my bedsheets for her bra. I eye it as it hangs neatly on the chair to my desk, but don't say anything.
"Ness," I say lowly and put my hands at the ends of her hair to get her to look at me. She only presents her profile and sighs.
"Yes?"
I bite my lip and her eyeball already glistens against the sunshine sneaking through my blinds with the tears she's about to shed.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"I hurt you," I conclude, remembering my mistake from last night.
She shakes her head furiously, quits the search for her bra, and just puts her lace top on.
"Talk to me," I whisper, putting her hands in mine so that she'll face me frontal. She does but avoids meeting my eyes. Her jaw is shivering.
"I hurt you, didn't I?" I repeat.
She shakes her head then dips it low. "No, you didn't. Not physically, at least," she says and brushes her shoulder onto mine when she passes me. I miss grabbing her wrist by a quick few inches when she turns around, eyes red and lips thin.
"Actually, I take that back," she adds, coolly. "You have a tendency to be rough."
I gulp. "Ness."
She shakes her head and searches for her bag. "I have to go, Jacob."
My lip quivers.
"Don't go, babe," I plead. "Stay with me. Talk to me about it."
Nessie flips her hair about and buttons her shorts. "I'm tired of having this talk with you."
"It was an accident. I didn't mean to say her name again."
She scoffs and covers her mouth to hide a sniffle. A piece of me dies when Renesmee cries - especially when I know I put those tears there. It'd become such an often occurrence that I should be desensitized to it.
"We've been together a whole year, Jacob, okay? I can't keep letting you call me by her name."
I growl. "I can't help it, baby. I can't help that I miss her."
She shakes her head some more. "You're still love her."
"I'm not," I lie and plop onto my bed.
"You treat me like it's my fault she's gone."
"She was the love of my life, okay? Show some sympathy
"I've been showing sympathy for the passed year. I was really sympathetic when you called me her name in front of my parents and bruised my fucking collar bone when I corrected you."
Hearing Nessie cuss was liberating. "That was an accident."
She takes a seat on the edge of the bed to be farthest away from me. "Don't feed me that crap, Jacob. You hurt me so much."
"You don't think I know that?" I reply.
"Do you?"
I blink hard.
"No, do you really, Jacob? You call me her name, you talk to me like I'm her, you touch me like I'm her - you don't see me as Nessie, do you? You see me as a figure. A female body equipped with tits and a vagina and you take it upon yourself to put her feature on me like I'm a Barbie doll. But I'm not. I'm not her. I've never been her. I've tried, but no one can ever place next to your precious Leah."
Her sincerity fading by the end of her sentence with that last hint of sarcasm is what makes my skin prickle and my blood run cold.
"You're right, y'know. No one can place. Not even you. You think I actually give a shit if you love me? You're just a vulnerable and convenient lay," I spit back out, watching her face shift painfully. I've probably said worse to her over the passed year which is probably why she hasn't broken down in tears yet. "Fuck you, okay?"
"Fuck me? Fuck you!"
I expect her to leave it at that till she tenses and hisses at me. "Fuck you and your little fucking dead girlfriend!" She hollers back, punching my chest as hard as she could, stirring me up and provoking me to slam her into the nearest wall. Her stance is cowered and her hair is veiling her face, blocking those brown eyes to plead with me not to hurt her.
Taking multiple steps back, I sneer. "Don't you ever talk about her like that."
She doesn't say anything. The tears begin to cascade down her face without a problem while her hands and legs shake in shock. I swallow hard and attempt to slow my breathing down.
"Don't you ever -" I begin and she puts her pale hands up to interrupt me.
"Okay, okay," she whimpers. "I'm s-s-sorry. I didn't mean to-"
She doesn't have to finish her sentence before I come off my high and wrap my arms around her in comfort, kissing her red hair.
"Shhh, Ness, it's okay," I coo and hold her tighter to me. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I mutter into her neck and she just digs her fingernails deeper into my skin.
"Jacob," she says. I ignore it and cleanse my brain multiple times to forget what I had just did to her.
"I'm sorry."
She sniffles and rubs her face into my chest. "I'm sorry," she says. "I shouldn't have-"
I drown out everything she says. If I listen to her apologize, it'll make me feel ten times worse.
My prerogative wasn't to be a monster towards her. I didn't mean for the backlash of Leah's death to turn me into someone unlovable. I didn't wanna become the reason Nessie decided to give up on love and loving people. Although, I couldn't help thinking that I only make this shit work with Nessie is not because she's my imprint, but Leah said we were meant to be together. My frequent talks with Leah's ghost surely fucks with my head more than anything.
I hold my girlfriend tighter and kiss her head. "I'm sorry."
She pulls herself away from me to look at my face. Her face is drenched.
"Do you resent me cus I'm not her?"
I shake my head. "No."
She wipes her face. "Don't lie."
"Nessie, I don't."
Her intent stare on me lasts thirty seconds. "You see her in me, don't you?"
"No!" I shout. I'm a terrible liar.
"We've been together for a year, and you're still in love with her. Aren't you?"
I don't respond so quickly now.
"Aren't you?!" She accuses louder and pushes me in the chest.
"Nessie," I begin, replaying every memory I've had with Leah like a slideshow through my head. My eyes sting.
"You don't love me. Not like you love her," she concludes rubbing her shoulder from where I slammed her into the wall.
Leah's chipper smile shifts its way into my head and her hair, her scent, her body, her laugh, her eyes follow. It burns to talk of her so vividly.
"I love you," she says. "You know that, right? I've always loved you," her voice cracks when she sees I'm thinking of a response.
Her panic reaches a high when she grabs my hands and pulls herself towards me desperately.
"I love you so much, Jacob. I've been in love with you since I was a little girl. Every moment I watched you sleep for six years - I loved you. I fell in love with you from the moment you woke up. When we walked on the beach the day you met Alex - I loved you. When we went on that date and you showed me how to cliff dive - I loved you. When you called me 'Leah' for the first time - I loved you even then," she tells me, eyes shut and tears leaking over her eyelashes. I listen closely and a shiver goes down my spine, indicating that Leah had entered the room. Goosebumps form rapidly across my skin.
"I loved you when we made love in your bed for the first time. When you apologized for being so rough the first time. When you cried in my arms afterwards cus you thought you hurt me. Even when you treat me like I'm nothing - I love you. I wanna make the pain go away," she promises and wipes my face of tears and sweat.
I unintentionally project Leah onto Nessie with every word she says. "Ness," I begin.
"We've been together a year, and you'v never once told me you love me,"she interrupts and puts her hands in my pockets. "Why?"
I word my sentence carefully in my head and take deep breaths before I say it. "
"Ness, I am never going to love anyone half as much as I love Leah. Ever."
"Never," she repeats brokenly.
"It's gonna be a really, really, really long time before I ever let myself feel that way towards someone else. I can't give that part of myself up to anyone right now."
She shudders and pulls her hands back. "Not even me?"
"Ness, you're a great girl, but-"
"So, you've basically been wasting my time, huh?" She suddenly exclaims, hitting me in the chest again.
"Nessie, there's a reason why I can't tell you I love you right now, "I lie stupidly.
"Because you don't," she says bluntly as though she knows better than I. My head shakes in protest even though it's halfway true.
"You don't get it. You could get hurt if I let myself feel the same way about her with you."
"I'm already hurt," her voice is icy when she responds. "You hurt me more than I can imagine. You're incapable of loving, aren't you? You're a fucking monster - an apathetic, soulless, abusive, fucking monster!"
Her eyes are wild and tangled between emotions. The depth of her voice doesn't really give away just how angry versus sad she is, or whether her words are out of spite or true emotion. I sigh and don't even react at how accurate she sounds. "Babe,-" I try, but she puts her hands up to stop me.
"I'm gonna go," she says dismissively and grabs her bag. The tears flow rhythmically down her face, and the only thing I think to do is grab her wrist and twirl her back towards me. She resists, just as I'd predict she'd do, but I don't let up. Before she can even reach the door, I have her encased in my arms, holding her tighter than I ever have before, refusing her departure. She squirms to be let go as each tear falls with tiny splatters onto my arms.
"Nessie, if you don't stop, we can't talk about this, " I warn and press my lips to her head in not so much a kiss as much as a gesture of familiarity.
She lets up her struggle after a few moments. She drops her bag with a loud clunk and sinks into me hard as if to make us one person. At first, I expect her to hit me or something but instead she wraps her arms around my forearms protectively.
Her breathing has slowed, but she hasn't stopped crying. "What can I do?" she whines.
"Huh?"
Her head falls slack and hits my chest. Her knees wobble. "To make you love me. Whatever it is, I'll do. Just-" she hiccups. "-please, Jacob. Anything. Please love me."
It takes me a moment to pick up that she's speaking on impulse. The guilt that resides in the pit of my lead stomach tells me to take care of her, so I lift her in one swift motion to carry her bridal style back onto my bed where she can calm down and get herself together. I didn't want her leaving this upset if I knew I could do something to help.
"Just go back to sleep," I instruct as gently as possible. The red numbers on my digital clock only read that it's a quarter to seven.
"Jacob," she pleads weakly, scrunching up in my thick comforter. "Jacob, I'm sorry."
The tears sting viciously. I clench my jaw and attempt to scoff but the sound projects as a throaty groan of pain. "You have nothing to apologize for, sweetheart," I try to sound leveled to assure her but fail. As she continues to cry, I remove her shorts and top, throw them aside, and get her snuggled comfortably under the blankets. She appreciatively nuzzles her head towards my hand in passing, but then grimaces when she sees me back away from the bed.
"Come," she says shyly, and that single word alone coming out of her mouth so clear and solitary -sounds so desperate and faulted just like our relationship. I want to, but something tells me that if I get anywhere near her, I'll end up hurting her feelings.
I hesitantly sit on the edge of the bed. "Go back to sleep," I repeat, more stern this time. "Promise me you'll go back to sleep and we'll talk when you get up, okay?"
She nods after searching my face for reason. Her head falls onto the pillow without a fight, and she stares further for another twenty seconds before shutting her eyes and dozing off. I gulp at how badly I wanna climb in with her and vow my loyalty to her. Leah's presence washes over me, and the goosebumps return.
"You're ruining my life, you know that," I say half-heartedly, aware she's listening. I hear her chuckle, but she doesn't say anything else for a few moments. I sit at my desk and browse the internet, uninterested, in between watching Nessie sleep peacefully. When nine o'clock rolls around, I hear Rachel's car pull into the driveway, indicating she's home from her night shift at the hospital. I trot down the stairs and make it to the kitchen in time to find my elder sister shuffling through the refrigerator with an open carton of orange juice in hand, sipping delicately.
"Morning'," I greet her and immediately wash my hands and pull pans out of the cabinet to begin cooking breakfast for Nessie so she'll have something to eat when she awakes. She hums a greeting through focused sips of her juice, not turning from the fridge to look at me.
"Late shift?" I ask to make conversation, already knowing the answer.
She nods and closes the fridge with a yogurt in hand. "I'm on break," she says and the tired bags under her eyes that deepen the hue of her already dark skin and messy bun of unbrushed black strands prove so. "Gotta go back in a few hours. Carlisle says hi."
I nod and reach into the cupboard above me to get out pancake mix and caramel. Ness had grown to love caramel pancakes ever since I'd made a batch without realizing we were out of syrup.
Rach notices and smirks. "Nessie here?"
I cringe. "She's still asleep."
She checks her watch. "Almost ten in the morning. Guess you guys had a fun night," she comments suggestively, wiggling her eyebrows.
I ignore that comment and her aside from answer the occasional question in between flipping pancakes and cutting up fruit to accommodate; Nessie usually liked strawberries and melons.
I finish cooking, wash the pain out to put it in the dishwasher, and barely say goodbye to Rachel when I balance a dinner tray of pancakes, fruit, and orange juice in one hand. When I open the door to my bedroom, Ness is still sound asleep left in the same position I left her in. I set the tray beside her, sit, and wait about three minutes on the edge of the bed beside her before getting impatient and tickling her ear. She shudders awake slowly, making cute noises when she fully opens her eyes to look straight at me. At first, she looks pensive and unresponsive but a weak smile slides over her lips.
"I made you a little something," I gesture towards the tray of food and her skin goes as deep red as her hair.
"Ah, baby," she coos, sounding as though she's more impressed with the food for existing rather than me fixing it. "Thanks, love," she continues and sits upward to kiss my cheek. She yawns and stretches herself out once before grabbing the fork and bowl of fruit.
"How sweet," she says groggily in between bites of strawberry.
I ease. "I hope this suffices as an apology," I try out, and she shrugs as though she doesn't know what I'm talking about. My eyes roll fondly.
"I know you didn't mean what you said and you know I didn't mean what I said," she fibs in between chews of her fruit. I watch the juice of a strawberry trickle between her teeth and down her naturally pink lips.
"But you did."
She looks down at her breakfast with guilt and eyes that are hooded in sadness. "Jacob, I was just angry. We've been through this many times. I get that you're not ready to say that you love me."
Her tone is too calm. I sigh, and she presents the fork with a strawberry on the end of it to distract me. I lean forward and eat the fruit anyway.
"It hurts you, though. I don't wanna keep hurting you like this. You really know I can't help when I say her name in bed-"
She cuts me off. "I guess it's pretty selfish of me to think you'd be over her this soon. I keep forgetting that she went so violently, and you had to watch."
My eyes sting. "That's not an excuse to be so cruel to you."
She finishes her fruit and sets the bowl aside on the tray and sips her orange juice. "I knew what I was signing up for when I took on the role of being your girlfriend, Jacob. I knew it wasn't going to be easy," she tells me, setting her drink down and grabbing her pancakes. Judging by the eager glisten in her eyes and the nonchalant shrug she gives me, her effort on the conversation is done. She cuts her pancakes.
"Now are we gonna devour these or are you gonna keep making me feel bad?"
And I do help Nessie finish her breakfast. After taking a hot shower together, she puts on one of my shirts, despite having a fair amount of her own in one of my drawers. We watch her favorite movie, Dirty Dancing, on my couch until Billy comes home with some of his fishing buddies. I suggest we go to First Beach to get out of the cramped house, but sadly, she tells me she has to leave. She kisses my cheek before she leaves, and I smack her ass playfully as she goes. Billy's friends follow soon after, leaving just my dad and I.
I go to the living room to see him watching some nature show, so I take it upon myself to join him. We make small talk and he speaks as though he knows there's a thick tension in the house. Like he automatically knows that I'm in need of his fatherly advise seeing as though that's the only time I ever talk to him.
"Dad," I say, my voice sounding small when I call him during a commercial. He turns his head lightly.
"Hmm?"
I feel like a kid again. "How long after mom died did you find it safe for you to let yourself love someone...how you loved her, I mean?" I word as carefully as possible, attempts to sound stupid failing. He chuckles humorously.
"You don't have a stepmother, so that should answer your question," he points out, rolling to face me. His answer is upsetting.
"Billy," I start and the distressed echo in my voice must trigger him to be serious because his smile drops and his upper body tenses. He sighs apologetically.
"You and Nessie had another fight, huh?"
"She told me she loved me. I wanted to say it back, but I can't without feeling that I'm cheating on Leah or something," I confess.
"Well, do you love her?"
My hesitation is slight. I'm afraid to say my answer aloud when Leah is listening. "I don't even think I've fully accepted Leah being gone."
The noise Billy makes is gruff. "You probably don't remember when your mother passed, do you?"
I put my head down. "I do."
"Do you remember how long it to me to accept that she was gone?" He almost sounds more reminiscent than sad.
"Months," I answer, remembering all too well. "But it's been over a year. I should've let go."
"Sarah and Leah both died in car accidents, yeah? I got a phone call. You had to watch. There's differentiating dynamics, and I think it takes more time than you're giving yourself to heal over what you witnessed. Your case is a bit traumatic to say the least."
I stay silent till I'm sure he's finished.
"Now, I'll ask again. Do you love Nessie?"
When he puts it like that, the answer seems so obvious. Of course, I love Nessie. How couldn't I? Clearly, she's beautiful inside and out, and doesn't deserve an ounce of the shit I put her through. The fact that she's been by my side since I woke up should be a reason enough to love her. God, I do - I really do think I love Nessie. Like love her. Like I'm in love with her. She gave me a feeling Leah didn't in seeming so realistic yet unattainable at the same time.
I gulp.
Then why can't I tell her that?
Billy just grunts and shrugs at my silence. "You know what's best for you."
I shake my head. "If I did, I wouldn't have tried to kill myself six years ago."
He flinches at the bluntness. "Jacob."
"No, Billy, I don't know what's best for me. I've been trying to figure that out."
"You want my advice?" he asks as though it were out context of our conversation. My eyebrows knit together in confusion at his question.
"Sure."
He seems so solemn. "Maybe you should break things off with Renesmee. Cus if you don't realize you love her by now, maybe you're wasting her time. Doesn't matter if she's your imprint."
Ness and I had our rough patches, but in all the fights we'd ever had, we never once even considered breaking up with one another. I guess it didn't feel right being imprints and all; breaking up seemed childish.
I didn't want to leave her as much she didn't wanna leave me. But then again, she might be staying with me sympathetically because she knew it was her destined responsibility to put up with my bullshit whether I was grieving or not. That wasn't fair to her. She deserved to be free to fuck and deal with whoever she wanted without worrying about hurting my feelings, or saying the wrong thing and sending me into an angry rage of tears and pushing her against a wall with demand for an apology.
I'd never broken up with anyone before. Shockingly enough, I've never been dumped, so there was no way of knowing how I'd want to be approached if someone were to go about leaving me. Well, I wasn't a complete asshole, so I'd delay breaking up with Nessie till I felt we were at our weakest. Maybe I should get her angry and make it easier to hate me, so the process is easier on both of us.
With no plan in mind, some days later, I visited the church she volunteers at and am immediately greeted by the orphans and her boss, Pastor Reynolds, who was more than thrilled to see I'd stopped by and directed me to the playroom where Nessie was sitting Indian style in the middle of the play rug, coloring out of the pages of a coloring book, while a handful of toddlers wreak havoc on her hair. She doesn't look up at first, so I stare for a moment and my heart feels like breaking when I take her in her gentlest nature. I just wanted to scoop her up, nuzzle her close to my chest, and promise to love her like I'd loved Leah.
But I don't. Instead, I lean on the threshold and bite my lip. "Nice hair."
Her head snaps up, and a grateful smile follows when she drops her crayon and stands up to give me a hug and kiss at which the kids groan at. "Hey, babe," she greets me, hands firm on my forearms when she notices my off putting stance. "Didn't think you'd stop by today."
"Just wanted to see you," I tell her and kiss her a second time but this time harder and longer. It's enough to wipe the smile off her face and replace it with a lapping tongue and heated moans. After a few seconds, she pulls away and smiles with teeth this time, invading my space easily by wrapping her arms smoothly around my waist and pulling me in for a second hug. I squeeze hard and kiss her head. God, I love this girl.
"You couldn't wait till tonight?" she says, returning the squeeze and laying her head upon my chest languidly.
As soon as she says that, I perk up. It's Thursday - date night. "No, I guess I couldn't.
A thin layer of red rushes to her white, structed cheeks. "Can you stay for a while?"
I enjoyed volunteering with Nessie. The kids were fun to watch and play with, and I had no issue playing favorites when it came to Alex. She was another year older and wiser and seemed to get smarter every time I was with her. Nessie grew a loving relationship with her as well, and had even gone so far to confess that she wanted to adopt Alex when she was old enough to do so.
A few hours passed by while I was at the church till six o'clock rolled around and instead of going home to change into something nicer to go out to eat, Nessie came home with me to have a home cooked dinner date. The only meal I excel in preparing is Nessie's pancakes so after a quick trip to the grocery store, Nessie spent half an hour preparing a lasagna and another forty minutes going back in forth from the kitchen and the couch to check on it in the oven. We ate in the living room while watching episodes of her favorite program - Orange is the New Black - on Netflix. As she lays her head on my chest, struggling to finish her second helping of lasagna, I can't help but cup the back of her head protectively and kiss her face gently as she laughs at the mishaps and mayhems of Piper Chapman as she serves her fifteen month time in jail.
This is nice. This is safe.
The last sense of security I'd had was that night seven years ago now when Leah and I had decided to ditch La Push. She'd told me she was pregnant a few days earlier and she was more than scared to tell her mother given than Leah was only eighteen at the time. In the dumbass manor that I handle things, I promised Leah a future. A future that included me as her husband, our beautiful bouncing baby boy or girl, a house with a picket fence that I'd built from scratch, and maybe even a dog. I'd be a mechanic by then and make enough money so that she'd never have to lift a fucking finger. I'd keep her safe and wanting for not a damn thing while we lived our lush life in only God knows where. The imprint didn't mean a damn thing to me.
So, we left with the false hope that nothing could touch us. My Leah and I was all we needed, all we wanted. It was just us and us only. In those few moments before we crashed, I'd found pure bliss and happiness. I was safe. She was safe. We were safe. We didn't need anything or anyone else. We were one. We were connected; untouchable. She was mine, and I was eternally hers. Whatever we had made me feel safe and alive and assured. That's how imprints are supposed to be.
In that moment, I stare down at Nessie and I can't tell if a lump in my throat or a flutter in my chest is causing me to feel so overwhelmed. That safe and assured feeling returned every time I looked at Nessie. It's clear as fuck now; I can't break up with her. I can't do it. I won't do it. I can't leave her. I just fucking can't. She's my baby. My baby.
She's giving me that feeling all over again by just being here with me on this couch, touching me and enjoying my company. My blinking eyes fight tears at how fucked up I've been to her when all she was ever trying to do was give me a second chance. Nessie saw in me what Leah did; that's why she's here. She's was my second chance at true happiness. Nessie's the fucking reason I'm even still here, and my actions over the passed year cause me to get choked up.
She really does love me. Jesus, how the hell could I have been so fucking blind?
"Hey," I murmur,attempting to even out my hoarse voice and bouncing my knee rapidly.
She doesn't look from the TV. "Hmm?"
I swallow. "I love you."
There's a pause. Nessie jerks her head upward in an instant, eyebrows scrunching together in utter confusion while her eyes search far and wide the features of my stone face for any signs of amusement or playfulness. When seeing none, she bites her bottom lip shyly, and that red returns to her cheeks. Suddenly feeling guilty for startling her with saying that, I just nod as if I'm hinting towards some secret she should comprehend nonverbally.
"Yeah?" she says after a moment of uncertainty.
"Yes. Like... a lot."
A flicker of a smirk flashes on her face. "I love you, too."
She turns back towards the TV, squeezing my hand as she does so, and continues her show.
After a few episodes, Nessie and I retire upstairs. We do our nightly routine of saying goodnight to my father and sister before brushing our teeth and taking showers. Feeling sentimental, I reach my hand out to her as she lays across my bed in her volunteer uniform to guide her to the bathroom. At first, she's confused and cautiously eyeing me till I just smile sweetly, and nod my head to ensure that everything was okay.
Once in the bathroom, I turn the shower on and let the hot water rush out the faucet for a few moments before evening out the temperature with cold water. When the water reaches warm, I turn back to Nessie who looks beyond wondering at my intentions. Not saying a word or instruction and with great care, I do my best to keep relaxed and unbutton and unzip her jean shorts. The only sound to be heard is her heavy panting and the shower rushing, with steam to follow and fog up the atmosphere and the mirror.
She takes my hint and lets me slide her out of her bottoms, taking her thong down with them, and they lazily around around her ankles. She's staring at me closely the entire time I undress her as though anything could trigger me at any instant.
Once Nessie's completely naked before me, it takes me a moment of distracted admiration to remember what we're doing. I undress myself and take her hand again, leading her into the warm shower. The soft patter of the water from the faucet on her skin gets her nipples hard in an instant, so she takes it upon herself to brush her body against mine for me to feel rather than see. I shiver at her touch and resist kissing her for a moment till she maneuvers her hands to my neck, pulling my lips down to hers. Water seeps through the kiss, and I don't mind catching a few drops when our lips depart and reconnect with each lap of our tongues. The second she moans, I hesitate then politely push away when her hand wanders towards my dick. She gets a few slick strokes in before I hectically grab her wrist as though I didn't enjoy the contact.
A sound of protest emits from between her pink lips when she sees that I don't need her touching me like that right now. Feeling bad, I glance down at her sorrowfully and caress her sides.
"Not right now, baby girl," I say.
Unconvinced, she tests me and takes the hand not intertwined with mine to stroke me a few more times, staring me down as though I were kidding with her. Patiently, I grab that wrist, too, and chuckle to myself and kiss her forehead to avoid letting her think I was frustrated with her defiant actions.
"Can we, please, just, -" I struggle for the word, but Nessie knows me well enough to understand what I want. She nods with what can be confused with indignation, but I kiss her forehead again. Nessie sighs and retracts her hands from mine to pull me in for a hug. I hug back and stray my penis as far from her as possible.
We take a moment of just staring at each other gratefully before I get the bar of soap from the dish and lather it up in my hands. I set the soap back down and take my sweet time soothing my hands over every crevice and crack of Renesmee's body. She let me do so, moaning when I kneeled before her and scrubbed between her thighs or anywhere around her waist. To get her way, she pushed her hips forward in my face, tempting me. I pretend not to notice and kiss along her body instead, making damn certain that she knows how much I love her.
It's when we're sitting under the showerhead, while I'm washing her hair does she begin to cry. I can't tell that she is at first because her face is already wet from the water from the faucet, but the minor choked up and pained sounds she reluctantly lets out that alert me. At first, I believe I'd gotten shampoo in her eye, but she shakes her head when I ask. Her body curls in on mine and she makes herself into a ball in my arms. I'm thrown off guard for a moment, but I hold her anyway.
Jesus, what'd I do know? Is it cus I didn't wanna have sex? Well, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
"Baby girl, I'm sorry," I apologize with no preamble. "Nessie, I love you, okay?"
She shakes as though she's cold but the water and my body heat made that impossible.
"Nessie, baby, I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry I was so mean to you. Please, please, God, I love you so fucking much. I'm sorry it took me so damn long to figure it out, ok? Please, don't hate me," I beg between dry sobs. "Please, Nessie. I love you. I love you."
Renesmee seems to cry harder and a fucking chuckle comes out her mouth, starting me. She shakes but I reach around to see has a huge smile on her face and she's wiping away happy tears. Confused, I quickly wipe my face and nudge her lighty.
"Baby?"
She lets out another chorus of laughter before turning to me, pausing for a few seconds, and laughing even harder. It's not a cynical or mocking laugh by any means, so when I see that the hysterics aren't letting up, I force a few out before genuinely giggling at whatever with her. She grabs my forearms forcefully to steady herself despite being cozy between my legs when she bends herself over in a fit. Instead of mentioning my apologetic break down, we rinse her hair out and kiss lazily while it settles in conditioner.
We don't get out of the shower till fifteen minutes later. Tired, she doesn't even bother with pajamas and plops right on my bed and almost immediately falls asleep when she hits the pillow. I put on boxers and nuzzle in close to her, scratching her scalp easily while she mumbles in her sleep and drools cutely on my chest.
That next morning, I disarm my alarm to avoid wakening her, kiss her a few times before going downstairs, making her some pancakes and cutting up some fruit.
FIN