Disclaimer: I don't own Cats and I have equal respect to all different religions.
Life to the Everlasting Cat
"Mom, I don't want to go to the service."
"Now listen here, young tom. I've had quite enough of your complaining. I raised you to be a Catolic, so you will attend the service every Saturday."
"Plato doesn't have to go."
"That's because his parents are Catheists."
Tumblebrutus groaned as his mother dragged him and his brother across London to the weekly Catolic service.
"Why do I have to come?" Pouncival objected. "You didn't take Tumble with you when he was my age!"
"Because your father is in Glasgow for work and I will not be leaving you home alone," Jennyanydots explained. "Now hurry up, I don't want to be late."
Pouncival wisely kept his mouth shut for the next minutes, but Tumblebrutus couldn't help but complain a bit more. "Cori and Tanto don't go."
"Because their parents are Mouselims."
"Alonzo?" he tried.
"Orthodogs."
"I didn't know cats could be Orthodogs," Pouncival remarked.
"Well, apparently they can," Jennyanydots said with a despising sniff. "Nowadays, they allow anything in this country."
Tumblebrutus just sighed at his mother's conservatism as they reached London's Catolic Cathedral. Jennyanydots opened the door and dragged her sons with her.
"How about Macavitism?" Pouncival asked.
"Carbucketty!" his mother exclaimed. Tumblebrutus knew it was a bad sign when she called them by their first names. "Don't you dare ever mention that heathen name again in a sacred place like this! Do you not want to go to the Heaviside Layer?"
Pouncival mumbled something and stared at the floor as they entered the large room and slowly made their way to the front. They sat down on the second row, and Jennyanydots took a small book from her seat. Tumblebrutus took a quick glance at the book and saw different poems and songs were written in it, as well as long texts with numbers between the paragraphs.
"Excuse me." Tumblebrutus looked up and saw Asparagus and Jellylorum. He quickly stood up to let them pass, and poked his brother to make him do the same. The couple sat down next to Jennyanydots.
"Oh, hello Jenny," Jellylorum said.
"Why, good evening Jelly," she responded. "How are you?"
"Good, thank you! But my father-in-law…"
"Is he getting weaker?"
"The palsy is getting worse. He didn't have the strength to come."
"That's too bad. Especially since there already are less cats in here every week."
"At least your sons come with you. Admetus is always 'too busy'." Jellylorum chuckled. "But all he ever does is watch those 'Rumpus Cat' movies."
"Well, Tumble and Pounce are always eager to come," Jenny proudly said. Tumblebrutus rolled his eyes. "They will be fine Catolics one day."
Jellylorum smiled at the two brothers warm-heartedly before turning back to her friend. "Have you heard?" she asked with a worried face. "Father Deuteronomy had a dreadful fall, he won't be able to do the service for nearly three months!"
"Oh dear! Then who will?"
"There's this new priest, he just finished his education. Deuteronomy seemed to be very fond of him, I never heard him complain."
Tumblebrutus grew bored of the conversation when they started to talk about how the neighbors wouldn't cut the hedge, so he reached over his brother, who was blankly staring at some statue of some apawstel, and took the small book from his mother's paws. He opened it on a random page and started reading.
'Thou shalt not do such fiendish activities before Mine eyes!' And thus the Messiah spake as the Everlasting Cat let lightning smite the fiend Firefrorefiddle. And so, let us pray that He shall strike down all Macavitists at once so that we may feast upon the carp and anchovies and fruit bats and large ch…
Tumblebrutus' attention was torn from the book as a door opened and a silver tabby entered. He positioned himself behind the altar.
"Welcome, my dear Jellicles," he said, "and thank you for coming out tonight, one and all. As you see, father Deuteronomy is not here today. It is with great sadness that I announce that, because of certain circumstances, he will be absent for more than two months. He has given me the task of taking his place. My name is Munkustrap, and I was taught in the ways of the Everlasting Cat by Deuteronomy himself." Several whispers echoed through the room. Munkustrap raised his paw and the cats were silenced. "Let us start." He raised his paws and spoke: "Oh, Everlasting Cat, bless this day, so we may learn how to do Your will, and that we may all go to the Heaviside Layer when our time has come."
Munkustrap gave a signal and a small tuxedo tom stepped forward. "Presto!" the tom shouted, and suddenly, all the candles in the Cathedral were lit. Munkustrap nodded and the tux sat down again.
An organ started playing and Jennyanydots tugged the little book out of Tumblebrutus' paws. "The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity," it rang around the cathedral. "Vivat! Life to the Everlasting Cat!" The voices and the organ faded away.
"Now, my dear Jellicles," Munkustrap continued, "is the time I would normally read a text of the Everlasting Book." Next to Tumblebrutus and Pouncival, Jennyanydots nodded and prepared to open the Book on the right page. "However, I would like to tell a story of my own experience instead," the new priest added. Jennyanydots and Jellylorum exchanged confused looks.
Munkustrap started: "I recently walked past the local mousk, and I saw a couple of elderly queens walk by, shaking their heads and muttering disapproving words. I wondered why they did that. It then occurred to me that I saw something similar a week earlier, when a lady roughly dragged her kitten away from one of Jemima's Witnesses. I had asked myself the same question then, and I am still asking it right now, to all of you. Not in the least bit am I saying every religion is right about who the true god is, nor am I saying anyone is right in the first place," he said, causing Jennyanydots to gasp. "I'm just saying that this is not the purpose of religion. The true purpose is not fighting for your opinion to count as the most important one, but to find strength and love. Whether what you believe is true or not, if you find strength in it, that is all that matters. And think about it: one thing every religion has in common is the order to love thy neighbor, not fight each other like Pekes and Pollicles! I'll admit, we have made mistakes in the past. I'm thinking of Growltiger the Conqueror, who assassinated thousands of Siamese and Persians, in the name of the Everlasting Cat. Even in the very book you're holding right now, it says in chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one: 'And thus the Everlasting Cat cast fire upon the city of Catlantis, sending it, with all its ungodly inhabitants, to the very depths of the ocean. "There," He spake, "Thou hath got thine posteriors booted." Do you really believe that is something the Everlasting Cat would do or say? Is that what you believe in?" Jennyanydots was now staring at Munkustrap wide-eyed, speechless. "Deuteronomy has taught me about the Everlasting Cat, but most of all, he taught me to love every cat equally. It is time everyone learns that. Take my son, for example. Yes, we can get married and have children now," he added when he noticed a few confused looks. He pointed at the tuxedo who had lit the candles. "My son, Mistoffelees, is head over heels in love with a tom, and the only thing I have against that is that Mistoffelees, you can get way better than that curious tom who treats everyone like his own personal toys. A century ago, I would have disowned him or something like that, or I wouldn't have been able to because I had to take a vow of celibacy and he wouldn't exist in the first place. But now, cats started to realize that the actual purpose of belief is to believe in love. We are far from reaching that ultimate goal of world peace, but it would solve much if we took the time to think about this. Whether you're Catolic, Mouselim, Catheist, Orthodog, Pekestant or even a Macavitist, don't let your faith get in the way of your love, let it encourage it." He let out a deep sigh and placed his paws on the altar. "Thank you for listening. Vivat."
"Life to the Everlasting Cat," the cats hesitantly added as they got up and scurried toward the door, whispering things to each other. As soon as they got out, Jennyanydots grabbed her sons' shoulders and dragged them home.
"He made some good points, mom," Tumblebrutus said.
"Nonsense," Jennyanydots simply said in a condescending tone.
"So he will be doing the service again next week?"
"I suppose. But darling, you don't have to come if you don't want to. I mean, it's just a bunch of silly talk after all."
"What's silly?"
"Oh, the shame!" she cried out as she threw her paws into the air. "Deuteronomy would be so embarrassed! That new fellow is almost telling our kittens to become Macavitists!"
"I think you're overreacting, mother."
"What's wrong with Macavitists?" Pouncival asked. "I think it's kinda cool, worshipping the Hidden Paw…"
"You better stay away from anything remotely connected to that cult, understood?"
"How about…"
"I said no!"
It stayed silent for the rest of the way home. I think it's the easiest if I just stay a Catheist, Tumblebrutus thought.
oo0O0oo
AN: So yeah, what started off as a light-weighted 'if-worshipping-the-Everlasting-Cat-was-an-actual-religion'-story quickly escalated into a religion-rant. Sorry.
If you ask me what my religion is, I'll tell you: "The only god I pray to is Andrew Lloyd Webber, god of music and creator of worlds (like the Cats-world)." Happy birthday, ALW, this is dedicated to you! (In case you are reading this for some reason)