Scourges
He had a reason for doing it. It wasn't any of this pissy, oh-my-boyfriend-dumped-me-so-my-life-isn't-worth-living crap. It was simply that the tattoo wasn't enough. It didn't hurt enough. So every night when the others were asleep, he chose a new spot and began.
"Uno… dos...tres… "
The scars were hardly noticeable.
"Cuatro…cinco…seis…"
The bleeding would stop by morning.
"Siete…ocho…neuve…diez…"
But he liked the blood. It was something he shared with them.
"Once…doce…trece…catorce… "
So many lives gone in the time it took to blink. Young lives. Lives full of promise. And he had been unable to stop it.
His hands were getting wet; he tightened his grip on the blade.
"Quince…dieciséis… diecisiete… dieciocho…"
Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee…
"Diecinueve…veinte…"
Blessed art Thou among women, and blessed be the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus…
"Veintiuno… veintidós… veintitrés…"
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death…
"Veinticuatro… veinticinco."
Amen, the ladders are built. Ladders of red to reach to heaven.
"Cougar? Jesus!"
Not Jesus. No power to save, to redeem.
Voices. A voice, rather. Cloth wrapping his arms. Jensen.
"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"
What is there to tell? That this is something he must do? Surely Jensen can figure that out. The cuts are shallow; not one of them will cause serious injury. They are only reminders.
Scourges.
Warm arms are wrapped around him and for a moment, he freezes, not quite ready to come out of the pain-place, the place of atonement. Jensen's hands stroke through his hair and with a sigh, Cougar relaxes into the embrace. The hacker's fingers trace over the pale lines on his forearms and press the towel gently against the new cuts. "Oh Cougs…"
"I know, amor."
"I just wish there was something I could do. Anything! Anything so you don't feel like you gotta do this."
Cougar shakes his head gently. "Just be here with me."
Jensen does, easing back to sit against the wall of the bathroom in their latest safe house while the sniper curls up in his lap, resting against the blonde tech's shoulder, his eyes drifting closed. He does not awaken when Jensen carries him back to bed.