Krieger took off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness from my tiny little mind. These crazy people have to do something between missions, right?
Krieger's Night Out
"Why is he here?" Ron grumbled as he drove the car. "It's rare enough we get a night out to ourselves. Why did you have to bring him with us?"
In the front of the car was Mallory and Ron. In the back was Krieger. "Hello!" Krieger said cheerfully.
"Because…" Mallory sighed. "I made a deal a long time ago with Krieger. At least a couple times a year I have to take him on a night out or a little day trip. Don't ask."
"I really think I should," Ron remarked.
"No, you don't…" Mallory rubbed her nose in anticipation of a headache she knew would come.
"Yeah I do," Ron said.
"No, you don't…" Mallory emphasized. "Trust me on this one."
"Trust you?" Ron asked sarcastically. "HA!"
"Ro-on," Mallory glared at him.
"So what did he do?" Ron snapped. "Or should I ask who? Or is it whom? Oh god! This isn't like Pam isn't it?"
"No, unfortunately," Krieger sighed.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"Then what's the deal here?" Ron snapped. "I mean I'd get it if you brought Sterling on our date. In fact, that's kind of par for the course with your relationship."
"Just what do you mean by that?" Mallory snapped.
"What do you think I mean by that?" Ron snapped back. "Norman Bates had a less complicated relationship with his mother! And a healthier one!"
"What?" Mallory gasped.
"Let's just say if I ever find Sterling wearing one of your dresses I wouldn't be surprised," Ron went on.
"Neither would I," Krieger said honestly.
"Ron…" Mallory growled. "There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Sterling!"
Both Krieger and Ron laughed. "Wow…" Krieger snickered. "Even I can't believe that one."
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"So why are we hanging out with Dr. Kraut-En-Stein instead of your own son?" Ron asked.
"Because technically I might be her son," Krieger spoke up.
"WHAAAAAAAAAT?" Ron yelled, nearly driving off the road.
"Adopted obviously," Krieger corrected.
"Semi-legally adopted," Mallory admitted. "Which means probably not legal."
"Probably not legal?" Ron yelled.
"I had to get Krieger into this country somehow," Mallory explained. "So in Argentina I forged some documents and signed some that were actually legal. You know? Mixing them in together so it looked good. Well I was kind of confused which was which so there's a fifty-fifty chance Krieger is my adopted son."
"Fifty…" Ron sputtered. "Wait a second, I thought the guy was from Brazil?"
"He is," Mallory said. "We made a stop along the way."
"For at least a year," Krieger said. "While I was being deprogrammed and reprogrammed and reprogrammed again at a black site."
"And I had to do some work in South America at the time so…" Mallory added.
"So I don't want to know anymore," Ron groaned.
"There's also a chance that this Krieger isn't the original but a clone," Mallory added. "Not that that's much of a difference."
"I said I didn't want to know!" Ron barked.
"There's no proof that I'm not the original Krieger!" Krieger snapped. "I mean I may be a clone but not of myself! I think…"
"Oh this again…" Mallory groaned. "I said I was sorry I thought you were a clone of Adolph Hitler."
"Why would you think that?" Ron asked. "He doesn't even look like Hitler!"
"See?" Krieger barked.
"How many times do I have to apologize for that?" Mallory snapped.
"Once would be nice!" Krieger snapped.
"Not going to happen," Mallory grumbled.
"And you wonder where my brother Archer gets it from," Krieger said.
"I know? Right?" Ron asked.
"He's not your brother! Probably!" Mallory snapped. "And whatever you are I know you were some kind of Nazi science project so I had every right to get those Dobermans to kill your so called father so I could kidnap you!"
"That was you?" Krieger was stunned.
"Well you didn't think those well trained Kraut canines just up and ripped him apart all by themselves did you?" Mallory asked.
"Honestly…" Krieger began.
"Okay," Ron said. "Here's the part where we all shut up and get onto another topic. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYMORE! This night is going to be weird enough as it is!"
"Just be glad he didn't bring the damn hologram," Mallory grumbled.
"I think Mitsuko and I are taking a break," Krieger explained. "She's been a real pill lately."
"I know the feeling," Ron grumbled. Mallory glared at him.
"It's just yak, yak, yak…" Krieger went on. "Like she's doing me a favor by being in a relationship with me!"
"Preaching to the choir," Ron remarked.
"And no matter what I do," Krieger went on. "I can never please her!"
"Maybe this won't be so bad after all?" Ron asked himself. "Seems like you and I have a lot in common Krieger!"
"You know…?" Mallory growled.
"Sometimes I think I should have unplugged her when I had the chance," Krieger groaned. "Or at least before she learned to self-replicate herself."
"I don't get that last part but the unplugging thing I will take under advisement," Ron growled. "You know? Just in case…?"
"Ditto," Mallory glared at him.
Ron added. "Before you get any cute ideas Sweetheart I think it's only fair to warn you that you don't get everything in my will. Not even half of my dealerships!"
"Smart idea Ron," Krieger spoke up.
"What? Why wouldn't you give your dealerships to me?" Mallory gasped. "I mean God forbid anything happens to you…"
"Because I would like what I've built to last after I'm gone!" Ron snapped.
"And just does that supposed to mean?" Mallory shouted.
"You really need me to explain that to you?" Ron asked.
"Yes I would like you to," Mallory said icily.
"Me too!" Krieger added. "Well actually I do get it. I just like explanations."
"You're going to get it if you don't shut up!" Mallory snapped at Krieger. "And I would like you to explain yourself Ron! What exactly do you mean by that crack?"
"I mean honey you may be a lot of things," Ron began. "A lot of things. Things I never thought a woman could be…Things I didn't think any human being with a soul could be. But a shrewd businesswoman, not one of them!"
"What?" Mallory gasped. "I ran one of the most powerful spy agencies in the world!"
"Correction," Ron told her. "You ran one of the most illegal spy agencies in the world. Right into the ground!"
"I…" Mallory began.
Ron didn't let her finish. "And then you ran a drug cartel! Oh wait, it wasn't as much a cartel as it was a drug giveaway! And at the same time you tried playing Colonel Mom Parker to Cheryl or Cherlene or whatever her name is. And how did that end huh?"
"Not well," Krieger admitted.
"She turned out to be a one hit wonder that was more of a hit with the arson squad than the billboard charts!" Ron snapped. "And then you tried arms dealing and took over some country I never even heard of for a few weeks. Then when that literally…not figuratively…literally blew up in your face, you tried running that cockamamie CIA contract thing. Which ended up in disaster!"
"Ron…" Mallory growled.
"And now in addition to running a detective agency that can't find a clue," Ron went on. "You got suckered into a land fraud deal that you tried to get me to go along with! Boy they must really see you coming don't they?"
"They really do," Krieger shrugged.
"WHO ASKED YOU?" Mallory shouted at Krieger.
"Face it doll," Ron said. "If wasn't for me you wouldn't have a pot to piss in!"
"Do you have to be so crass?" Mallory growled.
"I'm crass?" Ron snorted. "I've heard you say things that would make sailors blush!"
"Well get ready Ron," Mallory growled. "Here's a few things I am going to say to you!"
"Mutter, Vater!" Krieger called out. "Please don't fight!"
"I'm not your father!" Ron shouted.
"And I'm pretty sure I'm not your mother," Mallory snapped. "Legally…Definitely not biologically!"
"Then how come you came to my high school graduation and not Archer's?" Krieger asked.
"Scheduling issues mostly," Mallory admitted. "I had an important event to go to when Sterling graduated. And I had an event I wanted to avoid when you had your graduation so…"
"The more I hear you talk about your past the clearer it becomes why Sterling is so messed up," Ron groaned.
"I know, right?" Krieger said.
"I swear if you two don't stop this…" Mallory gritted her teeth. "I will turn this car around…"
"I'm driving the car!" Ron snapped. "How can you turn the car around if I'm driving it?"
"You don't want to know," Krieger said.
"It's going to be one of those nights isn't it?" Ron groaned.
"It won't be if you shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"Who?" Krieger asked. "Me or Ron?"
"BOTH! EITHER!" Mallory snapped.
"Well that will make such scintillating conversation," Ron quipped.
"Just shut up and drive," Mallory said. "I have been looking forward to getting a table at Porceline's for weeks. And now that I've finally gotten one there is no way in hell I'm going to miss out on this chance!"
"What's Porceline's?" Krieger asked.
"It's this new fancy pants hoity-toity restaurant that's all the rave this week," Ron explained. "So what did you do? Call in another bomb threat?"
"You can't always use a bomb threat!" Mallory snapped.
"Really?" Krieger asked. "You do."
"It took a little finessing but I managed to convince the little French snot who books stables that we are dining with a well-known but prefers to remain anonymous food critic for the Huffington Post Online Review," Mallory explained.
"Really?" Ron remarked. "So that's why you brought Krieger!"
"Look I'm killing two birds with one stone," Mallory said.
"What birds?" Krieger asked nervously. "I didn't bring any birds this time! I swear!"
"Not literal birds you…" Mallory gritted her teeth. "It's a figure of speech for multi-tasking."
"Oh," Krieger said. "Because I didn't bring any birds this time. Or mice. Or…"
"I know," Mallory interrupted. "All you have to do is act slightly aloof and throw out a few phrases in German. Since you are German the second part should be easy!"
"Wunderbar!" Krieger grinned.
"Hooray for fraud and identity theft," Ron said sarcastically.
"It's not identity theft if the person is anonymous!" Mallory snapped. "You can't steal an identity that doesn't exist!"
"But if there was a way," Ron remarked. "You'd find it."
"She would," Krieger nodded.
"Oh that seafood risotto everyone is raving about better be worth this," Mallory grumbled.
"Somehow I doubt it," Ron remarked.
About twenty-three minutes later…
"No damn risotto is worth this," Mallory grumbled. The three of them were at a remote table near the kitchen door. "I can't believe this."
"Well at least we're close to the kitchen," Ron said. "So we know the food will be warm when we get it."
"I swear if I ever find that little French snot that made us sit at this table I will make sure he gets it," Mallory growled. "It's official. The French are now officially tied with the Irish on my list of people I hate!"
"A list that grows longer every minute," Ron quipped.
"I like this table," Krieger grinned as he drank some wine. "It's nice and dark."
"You would," Ron groaned.
"This is ridiculous," Mallory groaned. "I've been in caves that weren't as dark and remote."
WHOOSH!
"And that damn door making a noise every time some damn waiter goes in and out of the kitchen!" Mallory snapped. "It's enough to drive one insane!"
WHOOSH!
"See what I mean?" Mallory groaned.
WHOOSH!
"I find it relaxing," Krieger said. "It's like the ocean waves crashing along a rocky coastline."
WHOOSH!
CRASH! CLATTER! SMASH!
"Ah, seagulls!" Krieger grinned as the sound of a chef shouting expletives to some clumsy waiter was heard.
"I am going to kill that French bastard…" Mallory growled.
WHOOSH!
"Ugh…" Mallory rubbed her temples. The door kept opening and closing during all the time they talked.
"Look Mallory," Ron sighed. "I know this isn't exactly how you pictured it but look at the bright side. At least you're at the restaurant you wanted getting the meal you wanted. Can you at least be happy about that?"
"I take it that's a rhetorical question?" Mallory gave him a look.
"Looking back at it now…" Ron groaned.
"You don't get it Ron," Mallory said. "The point of going to a restaurant like this isn't to eat!"
"It isn't?" Ron asked. "Could have fooled my stomach."
"If I wanted to merely satisfy my appetite I could do it with a couple of martinis and a salad at home!" Mallory snapped. "The point of going to a restaurant like Porceline's is to see and be seen!"
"You mean it's a status symbol," Krieger said.
"Exactly!" Mallory nodded. "I remember the old days…"
"Here we go," Ron groaned.
Mallory sighed, her eyes taking a wistful look. "I remember back in New York. The Russian Tea Room. 21. Le Cirque. Pierre New York. Sardis. I could walk into any one of them, any restaurant I wanted and I would get a table without needing a reservation!"
"What did you do honey?" Ron quipped. "Flashed the head waiter?"
"I was young and beautiful," Mallory sighed. "I had any man I wanted to take me anywhere I wanted at the drop of a hat. Famous chefs fawned over me, cooking me dishes just to please my pallet. The whole of New York was my playground and I…"
"Am full of it," Ron interrupted. "Yeah, yeah. You used to be a high class muckety muck. I know this already! Getting tired of hearing about it actually."
Mallory ignored him. "But now…Now I'm cast aside like yesterday's garbage!"
"Well not if you recycle," Krieger said. "You'd be amazed at what you can…"
"Krieger!" Mallory cut him off with a withering glare before she continued. "Here I am in exile. Disbarred, disgraced, displaced…Scrounging for pennies to survive…"
"While living off me," Ron grumbled. "You're not exactly living in the slums you know?"
"As much as I loathe admitting it," Mallory grumbled. "Sterling's stupid idea of a detective agency is the only chance I have left of regaining my former glory. Of restoring my tarnished reputation!"
"Well whose fault is that?" Ron snapped.
"If we're going to be technical at least part of it is Krieger's," Mallory pointed.
"What?" Krieger asked.
"You're the idiot who ruined the operation and destroyed that damn shrink ray machine!" Mallory glared at him.
"How many times do I have to apologize for that?" Krieger asked.
"Once would be nice!" Mallory snapped.
"Why did I stay with you again?" Ron sighed. "Seriously. Explain to me why I chose to stay with you instead of getting a divorce when I had the chance?"
"Oh it doesn't matter," Mallory grumbled. "You, Sterling and all the other members of Idiot Squad ruined my life! What did I ever do to deserve this?"
"I take it that's a rhetorical question?" Ron folded his arms.
"We could always do something else," Krieger suggested.
"Oh God if this is what I think this is about then forget it!" Mallory snapped. "I thought you grew out of your drama club phase?"
"I can't help it!" Krieger said. "I love performing! It's in my blood!"
"No," Mallory gave him a look. "Psychosis and murder is in your blood. And god only knows what crap the Nazis threw in when you were created."
"But I can create more than what's in my lab!" Krieger said.
"Krieger I am still having nightmares about that horror show you called a puppet show you forced us to watch last year!" Mallory snapped.
"Puppet show?" Ron asked.
"You don't want to know," Mallory groaned. "Apparently genocide of various ethnic races isn't enough for Nazis. They have to murder good taste as well."
"Let's Defeat the Topsiders got great reviews!" Krieger said. He sneakily took some bread and put it under his jacket.
"Krieger it was performed in a sewer!" Mallory snapped. "Where most of your ideas belong!"
"But I want to be more than what I was created for!" Krieger pleaded.
"That's what worries me," Mallory said.
"Archer changed his career at the drop of a hat," Krieger pouted.
"And you know how those always end up," Mallory gave him a look.
"He got to be an astronaut, a miniature submarine gunman," Krieger counted off. "A chef at a fancy restaurant…"
"He got to crash a billion-dollar space shuttle," Mallory counted off. "Killed several people and our spy careers, and got that restaurant closed down when the head chef murdered the Albanian Ambassador!"
"That was not one of our better date nights," Ron sighed.
"Archer was even a freaking pirate king in the South Pacific," Krieger said. "So you know…"
"Wait, when was this?" Mallory barked.
"When he was held hostage by pirates in the South Pacific," Krieger said. "Technically only the last few days because the pirates revolted so…"
"So Sterling made me worry for nothing?" Mallory shouted. "That little…"
"Keep your voice down!" Ron hissed. "People are staring! As if they weren't already!"
"Oh please!" Mallory snapped. "It's so dark in this drab dreary corner they can hardly see us! I guess that's one benefit of this table. So no one can see my shame!"
"This is a perfectly fine table," Krieger said as he opened up his jacket. Revealing a rat wearing a tiny black tuxedo. "Ratly thinks this is nice too."
"What the hell…?" Ron did a double take.
"YOU BROUGHT A RAT INTO A RESTAURANT?" Mallory yelled.
"A tame rat!" Krieger protested. "He's cleaner than Pam."
"Not exactly a high bar to beat!" Mallory shouted. "You said you didn't bring any mice this time!"
"I didn't!" Krieger said. "Ratly is a rat. Different species."
"It's still a disgusting rat!" Mallory shouted.
"Ratly is not disgusting! He's one of my smarter test subjects!" Krieger huffed as he put Ratly on the table. "And he has better table manners than Pam."
"Now I wish you brought the damn hologram instead!" Mallory groaned.
"I wish I brought some other people instead," Ron groaned.
At the same time this was going on people in the restaurant were starting to panic. As soon as Mallory said the words a rat into the restaurant, people got up from their chairs and left in both panic and in a huff.
It did not help that a waitress walking by two seconds after Krieger put Ratly on the table saw the little rodent. She screamed and ran screaming back into the kitchen. Where the sounds of food and dishes dropping as well as more expletives could be heard.
Of course the waitress' screaming attracted the attention of even more people. Some of them did actually manage to see Ratly. They ran off screaming about rats which frightened off more people.
Pretty soon there was a stampede of angry customers running for the door. Some of them shoved and pushed each other pretty hard. One man was accidentally knocked into a waiter delivering food. As the food flew and hit other customers, some took this as a personal attack. Others just decided to simply attack the nearest person next to them.
In other words, in less than two minutes the restaurant had turned into complete pandemonium. Some people were fighting with fists. Others with their food. People were running for the door trying not to get trampled. And some were being trampled.
One waiter was screaming at a chef who had come out to see what the commotion was about. The chef shouted back. Soon the waiter and the chef were in a fist fight.
"Krieger!" Mallory glared at him.
"What?" Krieger asked. "Think of it as revenge for getting a bad table."
"How about this for revenge?" Mallory raised up a knife and pointed it at Krieger.
"SMOKE BOMB!" Krieger yelped and ran away. Mallory screamed and chased after him with the pointed knife. Leaving Ron and Ratly behind.
"Maybe next time I'll take the nutty Nazi scientist and leave my wife at home?" Ron groaned.
"On second thought…" Ron said as he noticed Ratly nibbling some bread. Then the tiny little rodent took a napkin and wiped its mouth. "I'll be damned. It does have better manners than Pam!"