Title: What Friends Are For?
Author: Kakkarotlover
Genre: Romance/Comedy
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The women in Konoha have had enough of Sasuke being single, and decide to speed up his romantic life. Hopefully Naruto can save him from a village full of vultures. Isn't that what good friends are for? Eventual SasuNaru.
AN: This chapter was BETA'd by the amazing Four-Armed Kyte Pheonix! Everyone give him four thumbs up!!

"I HAVE NO INTREST IN ANY OF THE WOMEN IN THIS VILLAGE."

Nice sentence, no? It has a subject, a verb, a direct object ... it even has a period. This sentence was born from pure innocence and with just a hint of annoyance. This sentence was born into the world, as most words are, with the simple hope that they would mean something. The hope that maybe their words will be written down in years to come by school children in small uncomfortable desks to be memorized and analyzed in every way possible. Many people spend their lives attempting to string together a series of nouns, adjectives, and verbs that will perhaps alter the course of our future.

Little did this speaker know that this very sentence would send his very reality into a downward spiral. Not to mention sending the entire Hidden Village of the Leaf's female population into total chaos.

"HE SAID WHAT???!!!" The very speaker of this sentence was also not aware that her voice would cause the old woman standing nearby to lose her hearing for almost twenty-four hours; but that would be a different story entirely. Sakura, of Konoha village, winced before nodding her head. Her friend Ino, responsible for the first eardrum-splitting statement collapsed into her chair. "This explains everything." Her pink-haired friend merely nodded again, simply unable to speak.

"This is why he always turns down everyone. This is why he only hangs around with the guys. He just views us women as weak and pathetic." Once again, her companion simply nodded. "DAMMIT SAKURA! STOP NODDING AND SAY SOMETHING."

The girl named Sakura opened her eyes in fright, before dropping her head and bursting into tears. The blond stared at her curiously before seeing her friends shoulder's shaking in body raking sobs. Ino froze unable to thing of a suitable course of action, before finally pulling the sobbing girl to her and trying to calm her down. "I'm sorry Sakura. I didn't mean to yell." Sakura could not reply as she continued to pour her tears into the fabric of Ino's shirt.

"SASUKE! PLEASE TELL ME! WHOM DO YOU LIKE?" A PAUSE. A DEEP COLLECTED BREATH.

"No one." A gasp.

"What type of girl do you like? What do you want me to be?" Another pause. A sigh.

"I want someone who is as strong as I am. I want someone that I would never have to protect. Someone who could be an asset to me, instead of just a hindrance. I have no interest in any of the women in this village."

The news of Sasuke's confession spread like wildfire. Everyone - from the Hokage on down - seemed to be discussing the surprising admission. It began as a rumor until Sasuke confirmed his statement publicly. With his indifferent eyes he stood in front of Ichikaru's ramen, Naruto by his side looking thoroughly scandalized, as he confirmed Sakura's tale for everyone in the area to hear. Using the cold air that had gained him so many admirers before, he claimed that none of the women in Konoha held any interest to him. Even as he was dragged away by a fuming Naruto he told off the sobbing woman for interrupting their lunch.

The woman of Konoha disappeared. They locked themselves in their homes, forbidding their friends, boyfriends and sometimes even parents from invading their solitude. For a week the village of Konoha was entrapped in a forbidding mood. Some eyewitnesses would later swear up and down that the entire village was encased in fog.

Ironically, the video rental owners had never seen better days and the owner of the local dessert delivery service made enough money that week to retire and move to the tropical island of Nikichi. He died three months later from a pelican bite.

Anyway, the village was in a real dire state.

"Damn it, Sasuke. Why did you have to open your big mouth?" Naruto merely received a glare as the punch he aimed for Sasuke's head missed. He jumped back barely avoiding the kick aimed for his stomach. The two ninjas stood stationary, both trying to catch their breaths.

"Not you too. Hokage-sama has already reprimanded me. It's not my fault everyone is overacting over this." Naruto took the momentary pause to regain his composure. Sparring against each other had become a regular routine between the two ninja's. Their moves slowly molding around each others, till they could almost always guess what the other's move was going to be beforehand. This helped them in always trying to find new ways to surprise their opponent and never using the same moves over and over. Kakashi was once overheard saying that sometimes, if you watched long enough, it was more like a dance than a fight.

"Overreacting? You crushed the dreams of almost every female in the village! Even the ones that weren't hopelessly in love with you feel tremendously guilty." Sasuke rolled his eyes and knowing Naruto was rested up, lunged at him. Naruto blocked the punch that would have otherwise crushed a few ribs and thrust his leg out aiming for the other's knee. Sasuke leapt into the air, pulling his knees to his chest, before slamming the heel of his feet directly onto Naruto's chest. The blonde's eyes widened before flying through the air only to plummet back to the ground with a hard thud. He skidded through the dirt a few feet before coming to a stop more than 10 yards away from his starting point. Sasuke flew backwards before landing on his hands, twisting his body though the air and planting his feet firmly on the ground.

"They should feel guilty! The females of this village are embarrassingly weak. The majority of them are too obsessed with trivial sappy matters, while the one's that are actually worth their weight in kunai are never appreciated and often scoffed at. I am ashamed for this village's female population!"

"..." When Sasuke realized he was not going to receive a response from the blond he slowly walked toward him, already dreading the walk back to the village with the other over his shoulder if the boy was unconscious. Needless to say he was surprised in only finding the other glaring up at him from the ground.

"Still. It wasn't very nice." Sasuke smirked, knowing the sound of defeat, and held out his hand.

"Since when have you know me to be nice?" Naruto took in the irony of the situation but opted to say nothing. He grasped Sasuke's hand and with the extra anchorage found himself standing. Bending over, he dusted his pants clean of the dirt that had accumulated on them.

"So...want to grab a bite to eat?" Sasuke rolled his eyes and turned, facing away from Naruto.

"No ramen, dobe." The blond opened his mouth to make a retort about Sasuke's lack of good taste when he felt the leaves rustle. The wind began to whirl around them, causing the dead leaves that littered the ground to fly up and whisk through the air. Before Naruto could comment on this sudden change of weather he saw a hand fly downward towards Sasuke's neck and his best friend crumble to the ground.

"SASUKE!" Naruto found himself flying towards his friend's attacker only to come face to face with his own Jounin Team leader. Kakashi was standing over of Sasuke with his eye in it's usual half moon curve. "Kakashi-sensei?"

"Good morning Naruto!" Kakashi leaned over, picked up, then threw the limp body of the Uchiha unceremoniously over his shoulder. Kakashi gave Naruto a small salute before preparing to disappear again.

"WAIT! SENSEI!" Kakashi turned his attention back to Naruto, his expression tightening. "Where are you taking Sasuke?!"

"Tsunade-Sama wishes to see him."

"But did you have to knock him unconscious?"

"Believe me, after he hears what is in store for him, he will wish he had stayed unconscious." Before Naruto could continue his objections, Kakashi once again disappeared into a whirl of air and leaves. Naruto stood still for a moment or two before growling.

What were they going to do to Sasuke? Tsunade and he had gone to great lengths to keep the news of Sasuke's momentary defect from Konoha a secret. Kakashi had found them both near death on the boundary between the two worlds and brought them back, where Tsuande had promised to give Sasuke another chance. Naruto had begged and pleaded that Sasuke's actions be kept a secret from the rest of the village.

"No crime deserves to have to know what it's like to be shunned by your entire village. Trust someone who knows."

Given this statement, Tsuande had no choice but to give in to Naruto's plea. She demanded that those who knew were to never speak of it ever again. Naruto and Kakashi kept Sasuke under close watch for a long time, taking shifts at staying with him. After three months he was allowed to be given missions again and after a year he was able to take the Chunnin exam again. Tsuande told them the reason behind the precautions was that they were afraid Orochimaru would once again come for the surviving Uchiha; protecting Sasuke from the Sound - when in fact they were just protecting Sasuke from himself.

Anger started to boil in Naruto as he saw the image of Kakashi disappearing with Sasuke replay in his head. After almost losing his best friend once, he had resigned to never do it again.

Naruto leaped from roof to roof heading towards the Hokage's tower. He soared through the air towards the next roof landing without a sound before jogging the next few feet and leaping once again. Every shout hurdled in his direction simply bounced off. He kept his eyes facing forward as he saw the looming tower becoming larger in his vision.

When he could see the base of the tower he reached inside of himself, finding his never diminishing supply of power, and began to quicken his steps.

His heart was beating so fast he was sure it would burst from his chest. They were going to take Sasuke away from him again. He had to get there in time to make an objection. But would they even listen to an objection from the Kyubi brat?

Would he even get there in time to make an objection?

The image of waking up next to Sasuke in the hospital room pierced through his consciousness, pouring salt on the already open wound. The weeks of watching Sasuke's every move. The terror that shot through his very core every time Sasuke was missing for almost five minutes - searching frantically to only find him in the bathroom or kitchen.

Waking up early every morning to stand in the doorway making sure he was still asleep in his bed.

Naruto burst through Tsunade's office door, as he had so many times before. The Hokage was sitting at her desk, her eyes letting her surprise be known. The traitor Kakashi was standing next to the desk, seeming none too surprised himself. In his haste to grasp Tsunade by the neck, Naruto forgot to look down therefore, never seeing the shackled body of his friend, which only accumulated to his surprise when he tripped over said body and landed face first in the plush carpet.

"Fuck!" Naruto groaned as he looked behind him, finding his feet tangled around the bound and gagged body of a very irritated Sasuke Uchiha. Naruto gaped before finally untangling his legs and jumping up.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" Naruto finally tore his eyes away from Sasuke to stare at Tsunade and Kakashi, pointing an ever accusing finger. "IS THIS SOME KIND OF PERVERTED GAME YOU TWO ARE PLAYING?"

Tsunade pulled herself from her initial confusion to throw a paper weight, nailing Naruto right between the eyes just below his forehead protector. The blond grabbed his brow with his hands, hopping from one foot to the other, crying out.

"OW, Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!" Tsunade groaned reeling in the fact that the boy could take a hit that would severely injure a normal man, if not put him in mortal danger, and come out barely scathed. Sometimes it was a blessing, and sometimes it was a curse.

"What do you want Naruto-baka?" Naruto finally calmed down his whining, still holding his forehead protectively. His demeanor changed so quickly, that Tsunade was left stunned. His eyes sharpened and his mouth straightened, making his whiskers stand out on his boyish face even more.

"What are you going to do with Sasuke?" The room's occupants were stunned into silence at the pure ice in Naruto's voice. Every single person occupying the office was familiar with Naruto's swift personality changes when it came to protecting his loved ones. Yet, it was still a sight to behold. Tsuande dropped her shoulders, letting out a breath, which calmed Naruto down slightly.

"Calm down baka, you act like we are going to kill him or something." Naruto continued to glare at the older woman, but his temper had dulled down. Finally realizing Sasuke was lying at his feet he leaned down to pull the gag from his mouth. But before his hand touched it Kakashi snatched up Sasuke and dragged him to other side of the room, only causing the anger in Sasuke's face intensify.

"Listen Naruto, this has nothing to do with Orochimaru." That simple statement calmed Naruto down entirely; his shoulders sagging and even letting a small smile grace his lips. Sasuke couldn't help but be annoyed as someone once again brought up the one bad decision he had ever made. It was over and done with, why couldn't they just let it go. "As you may have noticed, the women in this village are a little put out by Sasuke's admission." Sasuke and Naruto both simultaneously rolled their eyes; one at the ridiculousness of the situation and the other at the obviousness of it.

"The women of the village have decided to have a tournament." Kakashi interrupted cheerfully. "It's going to be a multiple part competition. There is going to be a beauty contest, a skill contest, a strength contest ..." Naruto blinked, trying to take in the information as Kakashi went on about the tournament. The blonde's mind had gotten sharper over the years, thanks in part to Jirayia's training and Sasuke's taunting, but the words Kakashi were giving him left him stunned momentarily - his open-mouthed gape making him resemble his younger days.

"And guess what the prize is! Or maybe I should say who ..." Naruto immediately looked down at his closet friend, almost his brother, just in time to see the Uchiha's eyes widen to immeasurable proportions.

Naruto was used to Sasuke always being the calm and collected one. Every time a situation would arise that would leave Naruto stuttering and bumbling, Sasuke would always be there to knock some sense into the blond with his harsh words and cold demeanor. In Naruto's life, he had only seen the Uchiha lose his composure a few times. Therefore it was easy to understand why Naruto was at a loss, when the Sasuke began to have a mild nervous breakdown.

"This is like some cruel joke. That has to be it! It's just all a cruel joke. They can't just OWN me. There are laws against things like that." Sasuke was pacing. Sasuke never paced. Naruto was frightened.

Naruto was sitting on the bed assigned to the Uchiha, in the room he was to be living in - or locked in - for the duration of the tournament. The room wasn't that bad in Naruto's opinion. It had a nice comfortable bed, a small living area with a couch, chairs and a good sized bathroom. Naruto decided rather bitterly it was better than his own apartment. He sat silently watching his best friend pace from one side of the room to the other, pulling his hair into even odder angles than usual.

"I'm sure they won't own you Sasuke. Maybe just borrow you for a while or something." Naruto could only smile at the look of contempt Sasuke shot at him. He was used to the Uchiha's glare and just accepted them as Sasuke's way of showing affection. The glare also brought back his Sasuke, the one that did not panic or pace, because a Sasuke that panicked was just to frightening to want to keep around for too long.

"Why are you here again?" Naruto gave his trademark cheeky grin.

"For moral support." Sasuke collapsed into a nearby chair, tossing his head back and closing his eyes.

"You are doing a horrible job."

"You're welcome!" Sasuke's not so cheery reply was cut off before it began as the sliding door to the room opened and Shikimaru entered. Naruto waved enthusiastically, which Shikamaru greeted with a roll of his eyes. "Hey Shika!" The lazy jounin nodded at Naruto as he held a scroll out to Sasuke.

"I was told to give this to you Uchiha-san." Naruto jumped up and ran over to stand behind Sasuke, watching him unfold the scroll, then reading over his shoulder ...

ATTENTION ALL LADIES OF KONOHA!

THIS FRIDAY there will be a competition held in THE Konoha Grand Arena for all kunnuchi of Konoha! ONLY WOMEN NEED APPLY!

The Competition will be split into four categories!

•STRENGTH.The contestants will be split into at least five groups. the winner's of each of the groups will advance to the next phases of the competition.

•Beauty.This phase of the competition will include a costume showcase in front of a panel of judges. Contestants will draw a slot which will contain the costume they are required to wear. Contestants will be judged on a scale of 1 to 10.

•SKILL. The next phase of the competition will be a cooking contest. Contestants will be given a dish to prepare and a time limit. Contestants will be judged on a scale of 1 to 10.

•Interview.Each contestant will be asked a single question that will be judged according to sincerity and originality. Contestants will be judged on a scale of 1 to 10.

WHOEVER HAS THE HIGHEST SCORE AT THE END OF THE COMPETITION WILL BE ANNOUNCED AS THE WINNER.

The grand prize is…

A 5 day/4 night all expenses paid trip to anywhere in the world, WITH UCHIHA SASUKE!!

Registration will be held Thursday at a location TBA. Registrants must be between the ages of 16 and 25, and at least gennin status. Applicants must also be able to provide proof of Konoha citizenship.

"Well…at least they don't own you."

"Go to hell dobe."

KL: So you likey? No? Yes?
Sasuke: It's trash.
Naruto: Actually, I think it's wonderful. glare
Kl:rolls eyes Oh would you two get a room? You couldn't cut through the sexual tension in this room with a butcher knife.
Sasuke and Naruto: 0.o
KL: To quote the greatest man who ever lived, "TTFN or TA TA FOR NOW!"
Friendly neighborhood 4-armed beta: sooo … what happens next? quirks one eye-brow skywards in curiosity, having sudden visions of Naruto in a swimsuit
KL: Swimsuit? Nope Nope! What will it be then?...A SUPER SPECIAL SURPISE! ;; Ignore me I think I've lost it.