The Ansem Report

Disclaimer: I do not own any persons, ideas, nor things mentioned and/or related to in this fan fiction.

A blonde, short haired man with a blonde goatee sat behind a desk in front of a large studio audience. "Tonight," the man said, "We'll talk about Sora, is this guy for real or just a crock. And the new movie staring Destiny Islands' own Kairi, is it to be a flop? We'll interview with the actress and Axel about the movie and Sora. I'm Ansem the Wise and this is the Ansem Report."

A screen shows and many colors and shapes go across it. A heartless flies by on screen as more colors fill it. At the end the heartless appears once more and the screen fades.

"Ah yes…" Ansem began, "Sora. What is it with kids now-a-days that think they NEED spiky hair? Riku finally realized that either long or short well-kept hair is ideal. Sure he looks like a silver haired hippy but if it gets the girls," A picture of Riku wearing tie-dye surrounded by girls appeared on screen, "I say go for it! But anyways, Sora do something about the hair. This isn't Dragon ball Z or some other 'Anime'. This is a game. A game I like to call: Life. So get a comb or get a hair cut."

Time for a short break

And we're back

"Now as we know Sora flies around in crafts called Gummi Ships. Odd thing is they can be cost effective. They are free. Which brings us to today's Word. Gummi ships cannot really be that great of a thing, come on, they have a limited part in today's society." (And They Look Like Crap) The Audience chuckles. "And all of the sides are flat," (Like the FFX-2 pixies), "And when you want power you have to sacrifice speed and mobility. There is nothing thing that has power and speed these days,"(except Kairi in bed) The crowd gasped, "Ahem, that was a bit uncalled for. Anyways my closing argument: Gummi ships are near pointless and are just there for a good time if you have nothing else to do." (Just like Ansem) Ansem sighs, "We'll be right back don't you go away."

Commercial about Heartless-B-Gone.

"Welcome back. Joining us now is the rising-star actress, Kairi. Hello Kairi."

"Hello Ansem!" Kairi said cheerfully, "Thank you for having me."

"Yes, no problem. Now coming out soon is a movie called: The Tale of Seven Disney Princesses, which you are the star of. I have a question. There are seven princesses, what makes you the 'star'?"

"The only reason I'm the star is because I am the hero's girl…"

"Sora?"

"Yes, and because none of the other princesses wanted to be in the movie."

"So," Ansem cleared his throat, "all of the other princesses are played by actresses?"

"Yes and one man in drag."

"Wow. Now you mentioned being the hero's girl… Is Sora in the movie as well?"

"No. He is played by an actor too."

"So Sora refused to be in the movie?"

"Well at the time of filming he was nowhere to be found, so he automatically got replaced. Sora is played by Tidus, who dyed his hair brown for the part. Wakka is his stunt-double. It really will be a great movie."

"Did you know that I am in a movie coming out soon as well?"

"No, what is it called?"

"Nobodies with Candy. It only had one season on Comedy Kingdom, and then they decided to make a movie of it."

"Sounds good, I'll go see it when it comes out." Kairi smiled.

"You bet you will. The Tale of Seven Disney Princesses is out in theaters next Friday in every world except for The Pride Lands and Tarzans Jungle. After the break we'll talk to Axel about Sora and Roxas."

BREAK

"Now here with us is Axel."

"Hey Ansem, Heeeeeeeeeey Kaiiiiiriiii…." Axel said shaking Ansem's hand and sitting in a chair next to Kairi.

"Hmph!" Kairi crossed her arms and pouted.

"Baby I said I was sorry…" Axel sighed placing his hand on Kairi's shoulder.

"Don't call me baby and DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa… What's going on?" Ansem asked with a puzzled look.

"Uhg… This jerk here kidnapped me and then let me get kidnapped."

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT… Got it memorized?"

"What-ever… say what you are going to say and leave me alone."

Ansem coughs, "Well then. Axel we know Roxas was your best friend, but what Naminwas Naminé to you?"

"Naminé and I were dating until she went back into Kairi." Axel frowned… Kairi giggled. "I loved her with all my make-believe heart and she felt the same." Kairi giggle some more. "What is your problem? I'm in deep wannabe sorrow over here and you keep laughing at me."

"Hee hee… oh it's nothing Pinwheel," Axel gaped as Kairi blurted the pet name Naminé had given him, "Naminé was just telling me about how she cheated on you…"

"WHAT! WHO WAS IS! MARLUXIA? ZEXION? Or was it you?" Axel yelled then pointed a threatening finger at Ansem.

"Um… gross… perhaps? I am many decades her senior and she isn't even legal, not to mention, she isn't even real."

"She was real to me… so did she say who it was?"

"God… my show has gone to shambles…" Ansem muttered.

"I'd tell you but then the Ansem Report would turn into an episode of Scrooge McDuck, Maleficent, or even Dr. Philoctetes." Kairi grinned.

"Go for it. You already took over my show." Ansem said walking off the stage.

"It was Roxas!" Kairi squealed.

"WHAT!" Axel cried, "My best friend stole my girlfriend? AHHHHH!"

"It was destiny, me and Sora… Naminé and Roxas. Hey Ansem the Wise is gone…"

"HE IS?" Axel perked up.

"YEAH!"

Axel and Kairi stood up in front of the dumbfounded

"WELCOME TO THE GAMEBIZ SHOW WITH KAIRI AND AXEL!" They exclaimed.