I wrote this ages ago, I think just after Point of No Return aired but then sort of forgot about it (and it's not my best work either so *shrug*). This was also inspired in part by these videos on various disorders like eating disorders, self harm and others. I can't find the link to them but I'll post it here if I do find it, because they were really chilling and touching.
I have to warn you, this fic is also slightly a self-indulgent fic working through some of my thoughts of SPN.
Detached
A lot of people with psychological problems don't feel comfortable in their skin. They try to burn it off or stretch it across their bodies so thin that it evaporates into non-existence.
Me, I'm just inviting someone else in to take over.
It can be difficult to spot someone who has a psychological illness at first, but the signs are all there, just waiting for someone to notice them. They hide behind a mask of happiness like puppets bouncing around on their strings, existing purely as a show while the real human being suffers in silence and pain backstage. I want to escape this darkness, but I don't trust anyone enough to guide me from it. Not even Sam. How can I after seeing how much he hates his family that his heaven is to escape from them? How can I when I have seen that for Sam I am the all-consuming darkness he needs to escape from?
Sometimes I think it is Sam who is putting on a show.
It was meant to be me and Sammy against the world. But it hadn't been like that for a long time. I won't subject Sam to the darkness. That is why I had to leave. Well, one of the reasons anyway. I detached myself from Sam and gave him his exit. Now I just have to reattach myself elsewhere. One final sacrifice from me, and then my part in this all-out war is over.
I always did want to go out with a bang.
I also always wanted my life to mean something. I have died so many times. I have been to heaven and hell. And still, after everything that I've seen, everything that I've done, it's never enough to stop the suffering. All my life I've had to look out for Sam and protect him, but I failed. I watched him bleed to death after Jake stabbed him in the back. I abandoned him when my time was up. I failed to save him from Ruby's lies and I failed to stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life which resulted in this mess we're in now. I didn't save him, but I couldn't stop him either. And if I can't even keep my own brother safe how am I meant to save the entire world?
I've come to see there is only one answer to that; I can't.
I used to think that I could. I fought against the demons, Lucifer, and all of the angels to boot. I knew it would be tough, but I thought that I could do it. Because I had Sam and Bobby and Cas fighting right there with me. I was Dean Winchester, and I was not backing down without a fight. Team Freewill giving the sons of bitches hell. But after being hammered at from all sides they wore me down. I couldn't say yes to Michael, I couldn't let Sam say yes to Lucifer, I had to keep Bobby going after his accident, even Cas when he lost faith in God. But who gave me faith?
When Jo and Ellen died it was sad, but at least they died for a good cause, right? Except I failed them. Their sacrifice meant nothing. Just another two names on the long list of people who have died because I screwed up. When Zach threw me into the future I was shocked to see how the world had gone from bad to worse. But the most unsettling thing was seeing what I had become. I was prepared to sacrifice my friends to kill the devil. And I still failed.
Whatever happens, I don't want to become like that.
I've tried fighting back. It doesn't work. But that doesn't mean I'm just going to sit back and watch while Michael and Lucifer rip the planet to shreds. There is one last thing that I can do to stop it. Something that the other Dean didn't do until it was too late. But before I do there is somewhere I have to go. All my life people have left me, my Dad, Sammy, even Cassie pushed me away. None of them understood that I needed them. But there is one person who didn't push me away, who invited me in. One person that I left when I wanted to stay.