All This Love
"I didn't think you'd make it."
Sean shielded his eyes and looked up into the guarded face of the pretty redhead standing by his side. Her hair was still long and straight and very red, gleaming as she sat down slowly in the chair he offered her.
"I didn't think you'd made it..." He couldn't believe it; she was really sitting in front of him, like barely any time had passed since their last, slightly awkward, meeting at the bus station five years ago. But time had passed, Sean guessed.
Ellie glanced down at her hands in her lap and back up at Sean. "I almost didn't," she admitted. "I didn't know what I wanted to do. I mean, sure there were letters and phone calls but... face-to-face is a whole different... It's just different."
"Well," Sean cleared his throat. "I'm glad you came. So, how was your flight?"
The waiter chose that moment to sidle up to the small table, pen hovering slightly above the pad of paper. He welcomed them to L'Api'zzeria, asked if it was their first time, and promptly took their drink orders for a beer and a glass of red wine.
Ellie glanced down at her hands again, her eyes hidden by the dark sunglasses she wore. "The flight was okay. The glass of Dewar's made it bearable."
Sean laughed and drummed his fingers slightly on table. "I had more than enough vodka. I guess the stewardess thought I was cute."
"I believe they're called flight attendants now," Ellie informed. She tossed her hair with a small grin on her face. "I can't believe you got on a plane. I would pay to see that."
"Hey! Did I ever make fun of you for your fears? Hmm? Clowns, bugs..."
"Oh, please! You tormented me relentlessly!"
"So, maybe I did. Anyway... God, you look good, El."
"Do I?"
"Yeah. College did you well. I mean, you were always beautiful but... you look... you're just older. You've grown up. You have it all together now."
Ellie coughed and folded her arms across her chest, leaning back in her seat, letting Sean get a better look at her. Short-sleeved black silk top tucked into a pair of wide-legged ivory pants. He couldn't believe this was the same girl who used to wear arm-warmers and chunky black boots. He liked this new adult and decidedly more feminine version of Ellie, but he appreciated that black would still always be first choice on her color palette. And that tough look was still there; he could see it in the way her mouth was tightened slightly. And he knew if she took off those sunglasses that he'd still see the same, chaotic mixture of intensity and vulnerability in her eyes, the look that first drew him to her.
"Outward appearances can be deceiving, Sean."
"What do you mean by-..."
Ellie removed her sunglasses and placed them on the table. It took Sean a moment to fully gather what he was seeing right in front of him. To him, this had to be a joke. A sick, cruel joke because Ellie would never in her life have a black eye.
Their drinks were placed in front of them by Pierre or Jean-Luc or whatever the hell his name was and an apology for the wait was accepted by Ellie, who kept her eyes cast down. She fingered the stem of her wine glass and looked back up at Sean. The bruise around her eye was still there. It was real.
"Please tell me you got in a bar fight with some trashy girl. Please."
"No. No trashy girl. Remember that guy I told you I was seeing? Paul?"
Sean set his beer down hard. "I didn't realize you were still seeing him."
Ellie sighed, "I don't know. I don't know what he is anymore."
"But he did this to you?" Sean could feel the anger in his stomach, threatening to bubble over any time. No, he wasn't just angry. He was furious. Furious that some guy had the nerve to place a hand on Ellie, to hurt her.
"He just- He gets angry, and he has problems with controlling it. I mean, it's really not even his fault. He can't help it. If I didn't push him so much. Well, you know how I can get. I can be moralizing and... He's going to get help. And he has changed. It used to be so much worse but now it's- it's fine. He's sorry, and he loves me. He tells me that everyday."
"Right," Sean scoffed. "I'm sure he tells you he loves you everyday right after he hits you."
Ellie rubbed the back of her neck uncomfortably. "This isn't how I imagined this would go. I thought you'd react differently."
"What? You thought I'd sweep you into a hug and tell you that he'll change and let you go back to him?"
"No- I just... I do things to make him angry. I'm late all the time and I can't cook right and..." she paused to finish her wine. "Listen, in my purse, I have another plane ticket heading back to New York, leaving tonight. I'll be on that plane. I came here to tell you that-..." she paused again, this time to just look at Sean, her eyes pierced to his face. He could see the tears starting to swell up, making her gaze look glassy, and he knew that she was remembering what they had together. She shook her head slightly and focused again on the present. "That I can't talk to you anymore. We can't write, either. He doesn't like it."
"You flew all the way to Tahiti to tell me that you can't talk to me anymore?" Sean knew Ellie had to see the ridiculousness of the situation.
"Well, you sent a ticket. I didn't think it should be wasted. And anyway, this, this, is not something I can just end over the phone or in a letter. It deserves more than that."
"He's scared."
"What would he have to be scared about?"
"Because he knows that you love me, and I love you. And so do you. And he knows that." Sean's voice trembled with anger. Why couldn't she just see just how much they wanted to be together?
"I can't have this talk right now. I should get going." She stood and started to gather her things. Her hand shakily reached for her sunglasses but Sean grabbed them first.
"No, you're not hiding this anymore. Go ahead and let everyone know that you're with someone who treats you like this, who you let treat you like this..."
"That's not fair!"
"No, what's not fair is you flying here to tell me goodbye. It's not fair that you wrote me letters saying that you loved me and then you-..."
"We said we'd see other people. You saw that one girl."
"Ann. But she never hit me, now did she?"
"Goodbye."
Sean took hold of her wrist and held her still. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to rub it in, it's just that I can't stand seeing you like this. Can we at least walk along the beach first? You can't come to Tahiti and not see the beach."
She stared out towards the ocean, a stony look on her face. She was trying to find the strength to say no and to just leave, but she should have known it wouldn't be so easy.
"Fine, but I can't stay long."
Sean stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his cargo shorts and sneaked a peek at Ellie beside him, her pants rolled up past her ankles and the heels she had worn dangling from her fingertips. He loved the way the soft ocean breeze skipped through her hair, and he wanted to brush the few stubborn strands out of her eyes for her, but brushing hair out of one's eyes is a move only suitable coming from a romantic partner, and they never had established just what they were to each other.
They had tried being friends through their letters while he had been away at training and she in college but all of their letters ended up finishing with "love" no matter how hard they tried to keep it platonic. And the phone calls... the phone calls were long and emotional. He listened to all of her fears during her years at college: how much she hated her Finite teacher, how Paige always tried to one-up her, and her worries about her mother living alone while her dad was overseas. And she put up with his constant indecision about his future and where he wanted to go in life. She had been there for him to talk to when Jay got into a near-fatal accident, an event in Sean's life that had affected him more than he thought possible. Sean knew that deep down those phone calls were about more than just friendship but they both had never been able to admit this to the other.
Ellie was the first to end the silence. "The last time we were at the beach together, things didn't end so well, either."
She was remembering Wasaga after the shooting. A pang of guilt ran through Sean's stomach as he thought about how he had left her that day and returned a year later only to rekindle his long drawn out, dead-end relationship with Emma Nelson. Last he had heard, she was engaged to a guy she met in college, an environmental journalist who had aspirations to work for National Geographic. He still kept in contact with her and their relationship was friendly, especially after they both realized that what they once had could only be labeled as a bond that will always be there but would never be enough for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. It had been good while it lasted but it should have ended when they broke up their sophomore year. They both had moved on. Well, Emma had moved on. Sean couldn't help but find himself still stuck in the past, or should he say stuck on a girl from the past.
"I wish things had worked out different," Sean murmured, more to himself than to Ellie, but she heard.
"Me too. But, things can still end on good terms. I already told you my story so what about yours? It's been awhile since our last phone call."
Sean stopped walking and stared at her hard. "Don't. Don't let an abusive relationship be your story. Tell me more. What amazing things is the incredible Ellie Nash doing these days?" Sean only hoped he'd hear good news, anything to assure him that Ellie had something that could be her escape from Paul.
"Nothing really..." Ellie lowered herself in the sand and drew her knees to her chin. Sean followed suit. "I'm still working on my Masters at NYU, and I've started an internship at a magazine. Mostly human-interest stories and celebrity-related news but nothing like a tabloid. And, who knows, after working there for awhile, investigative reporting may be in the future."
Sean smiled and nudged her softly with his elbow. "That sounds just like you. I still can't believe you're going for your Masters. When you wrote me and told me that I was floored. You know how long it took me just to get through high school."
"But you did. Anyway, enough about me." A blush crept over her cheeks. "This whole day has been about me. Let's talk about you. You're much more interesting."
"I don't know about that. You already know everything. I'm still working at that auto repair shop, and I finally got that Associate's degree, but I've been kind of toying with the idea of, well, you know how much Mr. Ehl did for me and I don't know. Sometimes I think it'd be cool to do that for someone else, you know?"
It was Ellie's turn to smile. "You want to teach auto shop?"
"Maybe. It sounds like something I could do. I just don't really know where to begin."
Ellie reached over and wrapped her arms tightly around Sean's neck. "Sean, this is great. I mean, you struggled for so long about what to do with your life and now you have this."
"Yeah, you would know. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone else."
Ellie's gaze softened, and she twisted the ring on her index finger. "If you need any help finding leads or recommendations or just any kind of advice, I'm here, okay?"
Sean shrugged and stared sadly at the waves crashing against the shore. "How can you help me if you can't even talk to me?"
She hadn't thought of that. She hadn't been able to think about much during their conversation except for the way Sean's hair shimmered in the sun or the easy way they were able to talk to each other, like they had never abandoned their small apartment back in Toronto. And as much as it embarrassed her to admit, she had also been thinking about how nice it would feel to make love on a beach with someone that actually meant something. It would ensure that this trip to the beach ended on a good note, anyway.
"Before I go, remind me to reimburse you for the ticket."
"It's fine. The money doesn't matter."
"No, I didn't use the ticket as you intended so I owe you."
"I got to see you, didn't I?"
Ellie blinked. "Oh."
"Please don't go."
"I have to."
"No, you don't. You don't owe that son of a bitch anything. Don't be one of those girls who keeps going back to get the shit kicked out of her only to have her dead body found in a woods because one night the argument went too far."
Ellie stood up angrily. "I told myself I'd never be one of those girls. I said, 'Damnit, Ellie, you will always be strong and never let a guy push you around.' But imagining something and then actually going through it is a whole lot different."
Sean threw up his arms. "Why? Just tell me why."
"Because he loves me," she cried. "He loves me. And you know that is all I have ever wanted, someone to love me, to not see me as second best. I want to be first. For once in my life, I want to be first. And with him, I know I am, and I know he will never leave me."
"You're right. He won't ever leave you because keeping you and knocking you around makes him feel good about himself. He doesn't love you. Someone who hurts you like this, who makes you feel worthless, does not love you. I love you. I have loved you since detention. And I don't love just some of you, just parts. No, I love all of you, flaws and all. I love that your neurotic and that you can't cook and... Jesus, El, I love you. So I'm begging you. Please, don't go. At least not back to him because I can't live knowing that you're with someone who hurts you. You, above everyone, doesn't deserve to be treated like this."
"Sean-..."
He knelt down slowly, his hands gripping behind her knees. "Please, I have never in my life begged for something, but I am begging you now, do not go back to him. Please. Please."
She glanced at her watch and shook her head sadly. "I'm going to be late."
He didn't follow her to the airport. He wanted to, but he couldn't bring himself to actually go through with the actions. He knew he would never be able to watch her board a plane that was taking her back to an abusive boyfriend who could never give her the love she deserved. He couldn't understand why she couldn't just allow herself to, for once, be happy. He knew that with him she could truly be happy because he would do anything to make her happy, anything at all.
So instead of following her to the airport, he stayed on the beach, and he allowed himself to remember. He remembered everything they had; he remembered the late night study sessions that always ended in late night make out sessions; he remembered the first time they made love, and how nervous she had been; he had taken her shaking hands and twisted his fingers slowly through each of hers, and, god, he had been shaking, too, and it wasn't even his first time, even though he wished it had been. It had been slow and slightly awkward but afterwards he had held her and they talked until the sun rose; and then they had made love again, and this time it was more comfortable, for both of him.
He remembered whispering into her ear that he loved her, and even then he had known that her's was a love that he could never replace. Now, as he stared out at the sun setting on the horizon, he knew that he had been right; she couldn't be replaced. Everything about her had been new and honest and good; and he had wanted something good his entire life. He wanted to be mad at her for throwing what they could have been away this evening, but he couldn't bring himself to blame her. After all, he had thrown it away once before, too, and he knew that deep down there was something bigger going on than he could ever imagine; deep down, something was pushing Ellie to stay with that man, and maybe he would never be able to understand her motives. Maybe he wasn't supposed to understand. Hell, he was just now beginning to understand that those simple moments he had spent with Ellie in the past were the only damn thing that seemed to matter in the present.
He had poured his soul out to her; he had told her he loved her and admitting love for someone was not an easy task for Sean. His specialty was running from the good things, but he had met his match when he had met Ellie. If there was someone who would never allow herself to be happy, it was her. And more than anything, Sean wanted to teach her to let herself be happy, even if it was the last thing he ever did. And how could he not want that? Happy Ellie meant that amazing smile that lit up her entire face, the kind of smile that made him think she was seeing life for the first time. And happy Ellie meant that infectious laugh; he knew that laugh anywhere. That laugh was one of the things he was going to miss most about her. Maybe if he could relive those moments from the past just one more time, it would be enough. He could live off the echo of her laugh and the memory of her smile and be completely satisfied.
"I told myself I wouldn't be that girl."
His shoulders tensed. It was her. That voice...
"And getting on that plane would have been something 'that girl' would have done."
He lifted his head to look at her. "What made you come back?"
"Someone told me something I've waited my entire lifetime to hear."
"I've told you in letters and phone calls and-..."
"Yeah, but this time, for the first time in years, I felt it."
"I love you, Ellie."
Her shoulders fell with the weight of the words. "I'm scared, Sean."
Sean stood up and caressed the side of her face. "Scared of what?"
"Scared of this. I've felt this way before, and it did not end good. Believe me, it ended in tears and razors and..." Her voice broke, and Sean felt the familiar stab in his chest again. "Sean, you have to promise me that this is real; this is forever. Because I am throwing myself head first into this. I'm not thinking twice; I'm not thinking at all. I'm just doing. I am relying on the idea that this love I feel- this immense love I feel- for you is enough; that you will give me your all like I am giving you, and believe me, all this love right here if for you. And you have to promise me that this time will be different. This time you will not walk out on me."
"Ellie, it is different. I'm older. And I know this is hard for you to believe, but I actually think I've grown a little bit and... God, Ellie, everything about you... you just make me feel good... and happy. With you, I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I don't feel like a nobody. You make me feel like somebody."
The corner of her mouth tugged upwards into a sad smile, and she reached her hand out slightly to brush his knuckles with hers. "I think we both have known what it's like to feel worthless."
"Yeah," he sighed. "I guess so."
"I think," her voice faltered. "I think I liked the fact that he needed me around to feel good about himself. Even if he was hurting me, it made me feel needed, and like I actually had a role in life; I wasn't just watching it go by anymore."
"You are somebody. You're the smartest girl I know and the kindest and... you- you have a heart that- people can just see it by looking at you. I can't explain it really."
"I think that's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me."
Sean grinned. "What can I say? You inspire me."
They took in each other in silence for a moment, just enjoying the feeling of being near each other again. A plane passed overhead, and they both peered up at it, knowing full well that Ellie could have been on that plane. Sean instinctively reached for her small hand and held it gently in his, as the thought of how close he had come to losing her again reentered his mind.
"I'm glad you're going to let yourself be happy again."
"Mmm," she murmured in agreement. "So, where do we go from here?"
Sean turned his head to look into her open face, her features, for once, unguarded, and felt a warmth spread throughout his body at the sight of the familiar if chaotic mixture of intensity and vulnerability in her eyes. He allowed that look to draw him in again without any shame. "We go forward."
Reviews/Rants always welcome. This story ended up way different than I imagined. I began writing it and a different approach from what I had planned just started to flow naturally. I hope the story is enjoyable and worthy of Sellie.