Spoiler for "Debate Camp."
This story brings up Simon's past from my "Wounds that Heal" story, where Simon's wife, Michelle, a CPD officer, was killed in the line shortly after she and Simon learned she was pregnant.
Enjoy!
The Dreams We Carry
"Andi is pregnant with twins."
"Who's Andi?" Simon tried to remember who went to "debate camp" with the President. It's been a long day, he was tired, and talk of a pregnancy threatened to bring up an old familiar pain he didn't need right now.
"Apparently they're Toby's, though I couldn't get the complete story out of him. I guess that's what you'd call a friendly divorce."
"Yeah…How was your day today?" Simon tried to change the subject, knowing full well he sounded, at the very least, odd, if not a complete jerk. Some enthusiasm was obviously called for, but he couldn't manage it."It was long…hey, are you OK?" CJ was instantly concerned. She knew Simon would be tired – with the elections so close, the Vice President's schedule was almost as insane as the President's, and Simon headed Hoynes' security detail now. But Simon sounded subdued, somehow, or deeply unhappy, for some reason. He wasn't just tired.
"I'll be fine when you get back." Thoughts of being near CJ again made him smile. Between his schedule and hers, they haven't seen each other in almost two weeks, and phone calls just weren't cutting it. He needed his girl.
He also needed to stop feeling sorry for himself, wishing for what could have been…
CJ bit her lower lip, trying not to let her insecurities get the better of her. He was looking forward to her return – he just said so. So maybe he wasn't about to break up with her, right? Five months into their relationship – their very intense relationship – CJ still had trouble believing things were this good. She was so used to getting hurt by men she kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"I'm sorry, it's been a long day on top of a long two weeks…I'm just feeling down. I miss you." Simon sighed. It was the truth, but not all of it. He tended to feel this melancholy every time one of his buddies announced a baby on the way. With CJ and Toby being such close friends, he knew he was going to hear a lot about the twins in the coming months. He also knew a baby wasn't a subject he should bring up with CJ, anytime in the foreseeable future. She had trouble enough trusting their relationship and worrying about her job.
"I miss you too," she said, and laughed bitterly. "Toby is all excited about the babies but extremely upset Andi won't remarry him. They get time together here. And we want to be together and can't."
She frowned into the phone. "Was I making any sense just now?"
Simon laughed. "Yes, you were, but your exhaustion is definitely showing!" His voice softened. "I should probably let you go, but I don't want to. Hearing your voice does me a world of good."
CJ smiled, feeling warmth course through her body. His voice and his words always felt like a warm comfortable blanket wrapped around her – in the absence of Simon himself, as long as he spoke to her she could get through even the roughest day.
They sat in comfortable silence for a while. CJ was still mulling over the earlier part of the conversation, feeling she was missing something crucial. It wasn't that she didn't believe Simon – she did. But her intuition whispered there was another part to his melancholy she should be aware of. "Do you ever think about the baby you lost, when Michelle died?" She didn't realize she'd spoken the words until it was too late. Closing her eyes in sheer terror she thought, oh, no, what have I done?
"I'm sorry," she started to say, frantically, desperately. "I didn't mean…I didn't even know I was…"
"Yes." His voice was so heavy, so sad, it brought tears to her eyes. Oh God, Claudia Jean, what have you done??? The words screamed in her mind, even as she knew she found the answer to her earlier concern. Now she wished she didn't, wished she'd just taken him at his words and left good enough alone. "CJ, it's OK to talk about it, you know."
"It's OK to cause you pain? Bring back bad memories?" She chocked on a sob. "I love you. I'm so sorry…"
"You've never said that before."
"What?" She blinked, trying to reign in her emotions. "Never said what before?"
"That you loved me." Simon smiled. He'd said the words to her often. He was pretty sure she felt the same, but he also saw her recoil in fear every time her deepest emotions came too close to the surface. This woman has been hurt deeply in the past, he guessed early on in their relationship, and Toby later confirmed it. He was willing to give her as long as it took to trust him.
CJ felt like a deer caught in the headlights. Frozen with fear, her first impulse was to end the conversation and flee. But she caused him pain tonight, and the least she can do is give him the kind of honesty he deserved, the kind she always got from him.
"I do love you, Simon."
He sighed contentedly, and she pictured him on the couch, in his favorite Jeans and a worn t-shirt, his head tilted back and his beloved face relaxing. She swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath. She didn't want to take up the unfinished business but she needed his forgiveness before they said their goodnights.
"Si…"
"You realize I'm pathetic, right? I've gone through life being loved, by parents, siblings, and then a wife. I spent my adult life having jobs I love at which I am very good…Six months ago I was bemoaning the fact that at my age, I was probably not going to have another great love like I've known with Michelle so long ago. Than one day you stormed past me into your office, wearing that red dress and an attitude…" He stopped as she made a sound between laughter and tears. His voice softened again, and she could really feel his strong arms around her, holding her the way he did when he knew she needed comforting but wouldn't ask for it.
"Ceej, I have my quirks. I have a history, like everyone else. But I love you, and that's all that matters – all that really matters. If you…"
"This dream is important to you," she whispered, fighting tears.
"YOU are important to me!"
"You deserve someone who can give you what you want. I'm not that person, Simon. I'm…too selfish to be a mom, too career oriented."
"You're what I want, CJ. Look," he sighed, "Do you remember the night we came back from New York? The night we went out for drinks after the play?"
"I hope that's a rhetorical question."
"Well, yes, it was. I walked you back to your newly-put-back-together car, and you asked me if I believed in miracles."
"You said you were looking at one right then," she whispered.
"And I've been looking at my miracle ever since. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"
She was quiet for so long he thought she hung up. "CJ?"
"Why would you give up a dream that's so important to you? If you hurt every time another friend is having a baby, it's obviously…I don't know…A chunk of your life you've never stopped grieving..."
"Maybe it just means I need to do some grief work. CJ, when Michelle died she was only in her first trimester and everyone sort of forgot that I lost not only a wife, but a potential child. I tried to do the same over the years, but maybe I shouldn't have." He sighed. "Look, I've got my young mischief-maker," that was his affectionate name for Anthony, "to keep me busy on the kid front. If I allow myself the selfish luxury of feeling unjustifiably sorry for myself, humor me. It'll pass."
"Not in a million years, CJ."
"You can't know this for sure."
"I do know this for sure. But you need far more reassurances than I can give over the phone. Can we talk about this face to face?"
"I'll be home day after tomorrow."
"Amazingly enough, so will I. Will you call tomorrow?"
"Yes," she said in a very small voice.
"I love you with all my heart, spitfire."
"Sleep well, Agent 99."
He sighed. "You too, Ceej."