Disclaimers - If I owned this, Norman Osborne would be the gibbering idiot, not Tony. And if I owned Coldplay, they would be sitting in my room playing for me 24/7.
Spoilers - Some for the "World's Most Wanted" story arc of Invincible Iron Man as well as the events preceding it (Civil War, the Death of Captain America, Secret Invasion, etc.)
Summary - Tony Stark wants to go back to the start. [Songfic] [Comicverse] [Pepperony!]
A/N -- Ahh, it feels good to return to the Iron Man fandom, and to throw some Coldplay in there too! The title of this fic is also the title of the song it's based on. It's from the album X&Y.
Bear in mind that this is comicverse. If you haven't been reading the comics, this will be very confusing. I apologize! Here's the general background:
After a heartbreaking civil war and a catastrophic alien invasion, Tony Stark has fallen from power and is being pursued by Norman Osborne (aka the Green Goblin) who has taken control of the remnants of S.H.I.E.L.D. He is the most wanted man on the planet and currently on the run, deleting pieces of his brain to keep sensitive data (such as the identities of several of his fellow superheroes) from falling into Osborne's hands. At this point, he is so far gone that he can't even spell and is only able to pilot the Mark 1 suit. He has bid Pepper Potts - whom he has finally kissed and (presumably) made love to in the recent past - farewell and now trudges across the desert of Afghanistan in a desperate bid to protect a world that no longer believes in him.
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The Scientist
These are the thoughts of Tony Stark as he dies.
He thinks of her, of course. Of red hair and sad blue eyes. Of a kiss and a whispered Godspeed. He almost forgot her once, in the ice and snow of Siberia. He will not do so again in Afghanistan.
He tries to make himself recite things about her to pass the time but one by one they slip away. He can't describe what it feels like to delete your brain, piece by piece. It's as if one moment a thought or a memory is there - like the sound of her laugh - and then it is gone. Only shadows remain - memories of memories that brush the edges of his consciousness and torment him with their soft touch. He remembers only that he is forgetting.
He's happy he got to see her again. Happy she got to save him for once. Happy - Happy was her husband's name. His friend's name. He killed him. To save him? He remembers a hospital, and her hand on his, and a question, and an answer, and nothing else.
Somewhere in the desert, he forgets her name. Only a feeling remains. It is happiness - pure and clear as the sky above him.
No matter how weak his mind gets, he never forgets that he is dying. And he never regrets it. He regrets only that it took a war and an invasion and suicide to say to her -
To say what?
He wanted to save the world. Thought he was doing a pretty good job of it. Thought that that cave had changed him. Thought the Avengers had changed him. He had money and power and friends and he was changing everything for the better. It was so easy for him to stand in the limelight and say "I am Iron Man". It will be so for the others. They will all stand together. They will save the world.
Instead there is war. He is beginning to forget already what he thought he would remember forever. He is forgetting the bodies of the dead children in Stamford, the rage, the decisions he was so sure of. He forgets the look in Steve's eyes when they stand on other sides of the battlefield. He can't remember who it was who called him Judas - but he believes him now.
He forgets standing over Steve's body. But he remembers the feeling that it wasn't worth it. It lingers in the mist long after he forgets what it means. He forgets who Captain America is not long after that - hell, he forgets what America is too. But these two feelings linger: happiness and regret, like magnets drawing inexorably closer to one another (he doesn't remember what inexorable means but he knows it's the right word) and himself trapped in-between.
The mercy of his slow death is this: everything is simple again. There is no past or future, no business, no politics, no villains, no science. Not even love. There are only his feelings and the desert around him. It is elemental. It is terrifying. But it fills him with hope.
He is dying. But - and it is a faint thought, his last thought before judgment descends from the sky - there is hope for renewal. He has gone back to the start. He remembers - a plan - himself - the desert - an old friend - and her.
These are the thoughts of Tony Stark as he prepares to live again.
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Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
*
I was just guessing at numbers and fingers
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
*
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
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A/N -- Well, that's it: short and sweet and confusing. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless! I'm considering writing another Coldplay songfic that will be much happier than this (and most likely movieverse), so do keep an eye out.