Alright, this is my first story here, so please no flaming, thanks.
Red Ring of Death: Combat Devolved
Captain dude: Somewhere in the heavens...they are waiting.
Cortana: Umm, Captain Keyes, sir, this isn't the Marathon, the Pfhor aren't real.
Keyes: Cortana, all I need to know is did we lose them?
Cortana: I think we both know the answer to that.
Keyes: We baked a cake...urm, we made a blind jump. How did they...
*Short but awkward silence.*
Cortana: Get here first? The Covenant ships...
Keyes: ...ARE CYLONS!
Cortana: *in mind* I hope you get turned into a giant mass of undead bodies that rules an anciet race of parastetic zombies. *out of mind* ...Have always been faster.
Cortana:As for tracking us all the way from Reach...at light speed, my maneu...
Pvt. Yorick: POOR ME!
Cortana: My...
Keyes: Pvt. Yorick, don't interupt Cortana...
Cortana: My...
Keyes: ...Understood soldier?
Yorick: Yes sir :(
Cortana: As I was saying, my maneuvering options were limited.
Keyes: We were running dark, yes?
Cortana: Until...
Keyes: OMG, METROIDS!
Cortana: Sir, please pay attention.
Keyes: Sorry.
Cortana: Until we decelerated, no one could have missed the hole we tore in subspace.
*Keyes looks at a bridge crewman's console, and pushes a shiny red button.*
Cortana: Self destruct sequence activated, have a nice day.
*KRA-SPLOSION!*
Keyes: *wakes up.*
Cortana: Everyone, sir?
Keyes: huh...oh! Uhh yeah sure, everyone.
*An alarming klaxon sounds, as crewmen run towards their stations.*
Keyes: And Cortana...
*Cortana's avatar appears.*
Cortana: Hmm?
Keyes: ...let's give our old friends a piece of that cake.
Cortana: I've already begun,*whispering* idiot.
*Meanwhile, in the main hold of the Pillar of Autumn, a marine,Yorick, stands, waving lit plasma 'nades to guide a pelican into the incorrect docking position. He then exploades.*
Cortana: Poor Yorick.
Cortana (COM): Attention, all combat personnel: Please report to your action stations. 5th Platoon, secure airlocks on Deck 11. 14th Platoon, rendezvous with 22nd Tactical at bulkhead Charlie 14."
Bulkhead: MY NAME AIN'T CHARLIE, IT'S BULKHEAD!
*Marines start talking, readying their weapons, preparing Scorpion Tanks and Puma, err, Warthogs, or in Griff's case just loitering, then Sergeant Johnson shows up.*
Sergeant Johnson: You heard the lady! Move like you've got a purpose!
Cortana (COM): This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.
Caboose: Is it a skrewdriver? I have always wanted one of those.
Sergeant Johnson: Once again, it is our job to finish what the flyboys started.
We are leaving this ship, platoon, and engaging the Covenant on solid ground.
When we meet the enemy, we will rip their skulls from their spines, and beat them to death with 'em!
Yorick: Wait a second...how do you beat someone to death with their own skull?
That doesn't seem physically possible!
Sergeant Johnson: That's what those freaks'll be saying.
Yorick: uhh, ok... O.o
Sergeant Johnson: *turns around* Am I right, Marines?
Marines: Sir, yes sir!
Sergeant Johnson: Uh-huh. Damn right, I am. Now move it out! Double time!
*The Marines break formation and run out of the area, and Johnson follows them slowly*
Cortana (COM): Attention, all personnel: We are re-engaging the enemy.
Internal and external contact imminent.
Sergeant Johnson: All you greenhorns who wanted to see Covenant up close...this is gonna be your lucky day.
*X - CORTANA 1 0 CRYOSTOR. 23.4.7 (PRIORITY ALPHA) UNSEAL THE HUSHED CASKET*
Tech Officer Sam Marcus: Whoa! Sir?
Tech Chief Thom Shephard: Right. Let's thaw him out.
*The crewmen start pushing buttons.*
Marcus: Okay. Bringing low-level systems online. Cracking the case in thirty seconds.
Marcus: He's hot! Blowing the pins in five...
Marcus(COM): His suit is green! I thought it was red!
*The Chief's cryotube opens.*
Shephard: *salutes* Sorry for the quick thaw, Master Chief. Things are a little hectic right now. The disorientation should pass quickly.
Marcus (COM): *waves* Welcome back, sir. We'll have you battle ready stat.
Chief: aw, crap.
Shephard:Chief, please look around the room.
I need to get a calibration reading for your battle suit's diagnostics.
Chief: *Waves his hand in front of Shephard's face* No you don't.
Shephard: Chief, just do it.
Chief: FINE! *looks around*
Shephard: Good. Thank you sir.
Marcus (COM): I'm bringing your health monitors online, sir.
Chief: Do I look like i'm sick to you?
Shephard: "Vital signs look normal. No freezer burn.
Okay sir, go ahead and climb out of the cryo tube
Chief: But I wanna sleep-in more! Fine!
*steps out epicly*
Shephard: "I gave you a double dose of the wake-up stim.
Take a quick walk around the cryo bay and join me at the optical diagnostics station when you're ready
*Shephard walks over, and soon Master Chief follows him and stands on a red square*
Chief:*stares at the floor* Oh boy, the red square of death.
Shephard: Sir, I need you to look at me so we can begin.
Chief:*wanders off*
Shephard: Chief, please stand in the red square.
*Edits out a bunch of boring stuff.*
Keyes (COM): Bridge to Cryo 2, this is Captain Keyes.
Send the Chief to the bridge immediately.
END OF CHAPTER 1