Connor and Jude, Part One
The usual disclaimers apply. I do not own The Fosters storyline and characters. This story is a complete work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person living, dead or yet to be born, along with any events that have occurred in the past, present or future is purely consequential.
If you can read this story you are more fortunate than three billion people in the world who cannot read it at all.
The following story is told in the first person by Connor Stevens.
Hello, I am Connor Stevens and I want to tell you about my boyfriend Jude Adams-Foster. But first I wanted to give you guys the backstory on me and my Dad. First off, I was born in a one room log cabin, just kidding, I was really born in a Long Island City hospital. We lived on Long Island until I was five years old. We were not rich, but my Dad called it, "being comfortable".
Dad
I barely remember living on Long Island, but do remember playing in the snow. For the longest time it's has been just me and him. Just before I turned five, Dad and I moved to Los Angeles. He had gotten a new job so we moved. He got us a great apartment in a huge complex. It was a townhouse style apartment, with its own backyard space. There was a community pool, a playground and lots of kids my age too. It felt like home, I made friends, played on a Little League team. Plus I was did really good in school. Dad was able to work from home most of the time. Life was good.
We did all the normal Father and Son stuff, like playing catch, fishing, camping and other fun stuff. Dad would take one weekend a month for us to go and do stuff together. He called it our "Father and Son time". Plus he taught me how to cook, wash clothes, along with the other "GUY" stuff, like fixing the motor on the lawn mower, rewiring a lamp and properly painting a wall.
When I was eleven things started to change. Dad got a really good job and we moved to San Diageo. Dad bought a midcentury modern house. It was a really cool looking house. Three bedrooms, two and half baths, attached garage. Lots of really big floor to ceiling windows. The house is kind of L shaped. The garage on one side. The windows in the dining room faced the street next to the front door. The kitchen was facing the backyard. The living/great room ran the length of the house, so you could walk in the front and see right into the back yard. With a small office/den just off the living room. Then, you take a sharp right turn to the hallway to leading to the bedrooms. Dad's bedroom was at the end of the hallway and had an on suite bathroom. The guest room and my room had to share the hall bathroom. A huge storage closet and the powder room as they call it was across from the den my Dad used as an office.
It did need some work, plus the former owners had left us the sixties vintage living and dining room furniture. We had to have the sofa, living room and dining room chairs recovered. Once it was done, the house looked really cool and sleek. We just used the bedroom furniture we already had. The first year we worked on the house a lot on fixing it up. Between his new job and working on the renovations on the weekends, there wasn't very many opportunities for our "Father and Son" time. It seems like we started drifting apart as I was becoming more independent.
Dad found Anchor Beach School and that is where my life changed forever. The first time I saw Jude, he looked so shy and afraid. I hadn't been at Anchor Beach that long myself, so I knew what it's like being the "new kid". From the first time I met him, I just knew we were going to be friends. And that he was going to be something really special in my life. Looking back if you ask me if had been love at first sight, all I can say is YES. I just didn't know it yet.
Later, I found out we were just few blocks from the Adams-Foster house. Talk about Karma.
Also, let's set the record straight, no pun intended, my Dad does not abuse me. He has never been the warm and fuzzy type of a guy. He is strict and demanding, but I know he really loves me. He just cannot show it sometimes and know I did not make things easy for him either.
Yes, he has spanked me in the past. And when I went to school all banged up, I honestly did run into a door. In our house Dad's his office is right off the living room. He was going to spank me, but I was not going to let him this time. I turned to run and there is a set of pocket doors leading to the front hallway. One of the doors was half way open and I ran right into it. I did manage to give myself a black eye, along with a few cuts and abrasions. Also, I managed to knock the door off its track.
The love part comes from the times he would sit by my bed until I fell asleep when I have been sick. I would wake up the next morning to find he would still be in my room. I am sure he spend the night just keeping an eye on me. One day I asked him why he always kept the door to his bedroom open. He told me, "When you were little you would have really bad nightmares about me leaving you alone. So I always left the door open so you see that I was there or for you to come and get into the bed with me if you needed too". In our old L. A. apartment the bedrooms were right across from each other. Dad had arranged the beds in the bedrooms, so we could see each other from our beds.
When I was eight, I had a really bad stomach virus with a wicked case of diarrhea. Dad told me to stay in my room that afternoon, so I could run to the bathroom if needed. And me being me and a really nice day out, I went out to the backyard. After playing for a few minutes, it hit me. I ran to the backdoor, but I did not make it. I just stood in the door crying, knowing he would be mad at me for not listening to him about going outside. Instead, he just picked me up, soggy pants and all. Without saying a word, he took me to the bathroom and put me in the tub. He helped me get undressed and washed me down the shower wand.
While I was sitting in a warm bath, he was at the sink washing out my soiled underwear and pants. After he finished getting me cleaned up, he wrapped me up in a towel, gave me hug and a kiss on the top of my head, and then carried me to my bed. He sat on the edge of the bed until I fell asleep. Now if that is not love, I don't what is.
Mom
OK guys, now let's talk about the elephant in the room, my Mom. I know I gave Jude a hard time about lying about his father, while the whole time I was avoiding the truth about my own Mother. Sort of my own version of don't ask, don't tell. When I was younger, I kept asking my Dad why Mom doesn't live with us, but all he would do is change the subject. If I pressed him about it, he would get upset and send me to my room. One day it all came to a head. My dad and I were arguing about something. It was so trivial, that to this day I don't even remember what it was about. But, in the heat of the moment, I remember screaming out, "If you weren't so damn stubborn, maybe Mom wouldn't have left us!" As soon as those words left my mouth, I just knew I was a "Dead Man Walking". Forget about crossing a line with my Dad, I pole vaulted completely over it. I saw his face flush bright red and I just closed my eyes waiting for the end to come.
Up to then, my Dad has never just hit me. Yes, he spanked me but never just hit me out of anger. Again, yes, the time I went to school all banged up, I did run into a door trying to get out of a spanking. I was just standing there, waiting for the end of my life as I knew it. Instead I heard the door to his bedroom close, not slammed shut, just calmly closed. Dad had always kept his bedroom door open. Even if just slightly open, he almost never closed it all the way. I got really worried and just went into my room to ponder my fate. I was about to be shipped off to a military boarding school or something worse.
The argument was about 10 am in the morning and it was getting close to 6 pm. The sun was setting and light in the house was getting dim. I had spent the day, cleaning my room, reading and doing homework. I didn't begin to think about playing video games or watching TV. I was starting to get really worried, Dad had not come out of his room all day. So, I went to the kitchen and made some sandwiches and drinks for us, then went to this door and gently knocked, "Dad, can I please come in?"
He opened the door, looking really tired, I said, "I made something to eat, do you want anything?"
"Yes, I would like that". We both walked into the kitchen and sat at the counter and just ate in silence. Afterwards we cleaned up the dishes and he said, "Son we need to talk". I am thinking, "OK, here it comes, I'm being shipped off to God knows where".
He put his hand on my shoulder and guided me to a chair in the living room. He sat on the sofa next to my chair. He started, "Son, there are some things we need to get out into the open about the divorce. I know I have not been too willing to talk about your Mother. I have just been avoiding it and hoping this day wouldn't come any time soon"
"Your Mother was the love of my like and I was not the reason she left us. And before you get the wrong idea it's wasn't your fault either. It's complicated and I am sure you don't remember what happened, so here goes. You were about two and a half and your Mother was pregnant with your sister."
In my head, "WHAT! I HAVE A SISTER?" My jaw must have been hanging down to the floor, like some kind of cartoon character. Seeing the shock on my face, he reached over and put him hand on mine. Looking straight at me, "Your Mother was eight months along and we went for a routine checkup. The Doctor told us the baby no longer had a heartbeat. The baby must have died. He said, we didn't do anything wrong, sometimes it just happens and nothing that could have been done to prevent it."
Sitting back on the sofa, "We had to go the hospital later that day, so they could deliver the baby. We had a small service, just for the immediate family. Afterwards, she went into post-partum depression. It was really bad. There are something you need to know. She was not the first child we lost. Before you were born, you Mother had two miscarriages. That is why the depression was so bad, she couldn't even get of the bed. She normally took care of you, but I ended up caring for both of you for about six months. After several trips to a physiatrist and with the medication she seemed to snap out of it. We were back to normal for about a year."
"It was just a normal Thursday morning in April. We all got up and had breakfast together. Your Mother got you ready for Kindergarten and I went off to work. Your Mother dropped you off at school and never came back."
"I was in meetings all day, and had left my cell phone in my office. So, I never got the message your Mother left, telling me to pick you up that afternoon. I found out when my assistant interrupted the meeting to tell me there was a phone call from your school and you had not picked yet."
"When I got to the school, you were the last student left. You were scared and crying. The teacher told me she tried calling your Mother at home and her cell phone but only got voicemail. Finally they called me to come and get you."
"Once I got you calmed down and took you home, I called everyone we knew. No one had seen her all day, then I called the police but could not file a missing person's report until after she was missing for 24 hours."
"That night you would not go to sleep unless I stayed in your room. You finally fell asleep with me holding your hand. For two weeks after your Mother disappeared you would not go to sleep unless I was with you and holding your hand. It was like you were afraid I was going to leave you too." Now it hit me, that's why when I was little, all Dad had to do to get me go to sleep was simply hold my hand. And the reason for all the bad nightmares I use to have about being left alone.
"I did find a couple a suit cases were missing and some of her clothes. She had also taken the emergency cash we had in the house, about $2,000.00 and few pieces of jewelry. I did file the report with the police but they didn't find anything."
"After a week your Grandfather tried to convince the Police and District Attorney, I had done something to your Mother. He wanted me arrested. The police searched the house; talked to all the neighbors and our friends. The investigation concluded I had nothing to do with her disappearance. But, that did not stop him. Next the old bastard tried to get Child Protective Services to take you away from me." Wow! Dad was not known for using profanity.
"Why?" I asked. I never really thought too much about my Grandparents and why we never visited them.
"He never like me and the fact I married 'his little girl'. He blamed me for the miscarriages and the baby dying. Plus, he thought I should have been out looking for your Mother. But, you were so distraught I needed to be home to take care of you."
"Then, after a month and a half your Mother just showed up of the blue. She went to the police station to tell them she was fine and I had done nothing to hurt her or you. Then she when to see her Father. Her Aunt told me that whatever she talked to her Father about, really shook him up and that I was going to take you and move away, before he got any more ideas about trying to hurt me or to take you away. Son, I couldn't bear the thought of losing you too. So, that is the main reason we moved from New York to California and why we have never been back to visit. The other part of it, is when your Mother showed up, she never came to see me and more importantly she never came to see you."
"Right after we moved to Los Angeles, your Mother moved out here too. And then I got served with divorce papers. She granted me sole custody of you. "
"Why doesn't she want me?" I was really confused.
"It's not that she didn't want you. But, during the divorce proceedings it came out your Mother had checked herself into a mental health facility for a reoccurrence of the post-partum depression brought on when she thought that she was pregnant again. I think she was worried about your wellbeing in case of a relapse, so that's why the sole custody and the limited visitation."
"The reason I have never be willing to talk to you about the divorce is, I never wanted to turn you against her. Look, son I can forgive her for leaving me, but I can never forgive her for leaving you!"
When he finished he got up to leave the room, then leaned over and kissed me on the top of my head. Before he could turn, I grabbed his hand and said, "You haven't done that in a long time and I have really missed it". He pulled me up from the chair into a tight hug and I just started crying. Rubbing my back, he whispered in my ear, "I am never going to leave you." I could feel his body relax, and the years of tension just fell away. Alter letting go he kissed me on the forehead again and said, "Now, let's go out and get some desert I think we need some Father and Son time."
Everything seemed a little better between us, until that night in the hospital when I rocked his world.
The night I got shot was one of the worse nights of my life. I will always remember the sound of that gun being fired. Not that loud bang you hear on television or in the movies, it's more like a really loud pop. There was a searing pain in my foot. It was like being in slow motion as I fell to the floor. The sight of my own blood. Taylor yelling at her Dad to stop shooting. Daria screaming. Jude kneeling by side as I was going to shock. I only remember glimpses of the police and paramedics arriving. Being loaded into the ambulance. Arriving at the hospital and bright lights of the exam room in the ER. The nurse and the doctor telling I would be ok and my Father was on the way. Oh Shit! My Dad was on his way. My Dad looking at me with a sigh of relief that quickly faded.
I guess the police must have told him we had snuck into Taylor's house. After the doctor left the room, he just started yelling at me about how stupid I was for sneaking out, drinking and getting shot. And did I do it for that "girl Daria."
And me, "I snuck out to see Jude! Alright!" I am not sure where the next part came from, "I wanted to see Jude, because he's my boyfriend. Dad! I'm gay!" I was almost screaming. Maybe you say it was the pain killers talking, but it wasn't I just found the nerve to tell him.
I had only see that look on his face one time before, when we had he fight about why Mom left. The range of emotions on his face that ran from angry rage to utter disappointment. But this time it really scared me. As he walked out of the room, I wasn't sure he would come back. They didn't let Jude come with me to the hospital in the ambulance. I hadn't seen him since I got to the hospital. As I lay there in the bed, I have never felt so alone and abandoned. All I could think of is "I want my Mommy!"
And before you get the wrong idea, my Mother would have been there, but she was on a business trip to Australia. Another reason I didn't live with her is she traveled extensively for her work. My Dad did call her and even if she had gotten an immediate flight to L. A., the trip would have been 22 hours. I would be back home before she could clear US Customs. When she did get back to California, she came right to our house from the airport.
Being Gay
Now, I am sure several of you want ask, when did I realize that I was gay. My answer to that question is, when did you realize you're straight? I really do see Jude's point about not wanting to be labeled. Why should a young person have to tell everyone they're gay? You should just be able to be yourself and love whoever your heart tells to love. Whether it is girl or even if it's another guy.
Have you ever been lucky enough to have met someone you just knew was the one? Even if you just didn't know it at the time. I was just that lucky.
When you're eleven you are suppose start to getting interested in girls. I just never thought about it, but I wasn't getting interested in the opposite sex. I was a really cute eleven year old. Girls just flocked around me trying to flirt and I liked the attention. Some of the guys started pairing up with the girls, but I wasn't interested in "settling down" with anyone special.
There were three major events that had brought me to realization I was gay. Of course the first thing was meeting Jude. It was an almost instant friendship and more. I have never felt the same way about any boy or even a girl for that matter. Jude is so easy going, our relationship just felt so right.
The second was when I was at Jude's house, long before my Dad forbad me from sleeping over at the Adams-Foster's house. It was just another normal Saturday afternoon. We were in his and Jesus's bedroom. I don't remember who started it, but we ended up rough housing. We were just having fun, nothing sexual, just tumbling and wrestling around. I had let Jude pin me down. He was laughing, so I reversed it and pinned him down. I was straddled over his midsection, holding his arms above his head. He was giggling and struggling to get free. I was leaning over him, our faces were just inches apart. We were both wearing nylon basketball shorts and our crotches were rubbing together but not on purpose. I began to feel he was getting a little excited, if you know what I mean.
He had closed his eyes and suddenly shuttered for a second. He got this look of bliss on his face. Which almost immediately turned to a look of sheer panic and he began struggling to get up. With a trembling voice, "Connor get off me, I really need to go to the bathroom!" almost pleading, "I really need to go!"
"What happened, did you pee your pants?" I said grinning at him.
"Connor! Please get off me, I really need to go!" he looked like he was about to start crying. So, I rolled off of him. He jumped up and in a flash running into the bathroom.
I got up off the floor and starting thinking, I needed to go too. I walked over to the bathroom door, so I could go in once he was finished. Standing there I wasn't meaning to listen, but something didn't sound right. Right off, the water started running in the sink. And I could swear I heard him mumble, "Oh, shit!" It was a rarity when Jude cursed.
It seemed like he was taking a little too long in there. When suddenly the door jerked open and we were standing face to face. He had that deer in headlights look on his face. His expression didn't register on me at that time and the fact I did not hear the toilet flush. "About time!" I said. "I need to go too." as I pushed past him and closed the door. I walked up to the toilet. I lifted the lid and seat, pulling down the front of my shorts, I sighed with relief as I let go. After finishing I straighten up my underwear and shorts. When I flushed, it hit me I didn't hear Jude flush the toilet before he come out.
I walked up to the sink and turned on the tap. I started washing my hands and noticed the damp washcloth hanging on the towel bar. I have absolutely no idea what made me look down at the clothes hamper. There it was on top, a pair of boy's white Hanes briefs. I snickered to myself, Jude wears tighty whities. Then I noticed it. There was a small wet spot on the front! Then all the pieces fell into place. Oh my God! Jude got off in his pants while we were wrestling. A spontaneous ejaculation is the technical term. No wonder he freaked out and ran into the bathroom. He must have been totally embarrassed. When I went back to the bedroom, I knew better than to tease him about it.
Jude was bend over picking a book we had knocked of the desk while wrestling. His pants were a little big on him and sagging a little. While he was bent over I could tell he was going commando. And I didn't want to make this situation any more awkward than it already was. So to defuse it I said, "Hey, I'm getting a little hungry, did you want to go down and see if your Moms will make us a snack?"
Purposely not making eye contact, "Yeah, I getting a little hungry too" he replied.
"I'm going to head on down", I figured Jude needed a few minutes to get it together.
"I'll be right down" he called out. I did catch of glimpse of him opening the dresser drawer. It was obvious he was pulling out a clean pair of underwear. I just quietly closed the bedroom door and headed down stairs.
I was just chatting with Mrs. Adams-Foster, Lena that is, when Jude came into the kitchen, I gave him my famous smile and he seemed to look a little less nervous.
"Connor" asked Mrs. Adams-Foster "We'll be eating about seven o'clock, did you want to stay for diner?"
"No thank you Mrs. Adams-Foster, my Dad wants me home by five today. It's our Father and Son night."
"That's sounds like fun" she added.
"Yeah, one Saturday a month he tries making it a point to go out and eat, or do something together, like a movie or ballgame".
After we finished our snack, Jude was still a little to quite. Dad had texted me he was going to pick me, so I didn't have to walk home. So I suggested we go out to front porch for a few minutes before I headed home. Sitting on the front step, he still wasn't much eye contact. The question running through my mind was do I tell him I figured out what happened and tell him it's O.K. and it doesn't really mean anything. It was just a physical reaction, that it's normal for boys our age. Before I could say anything Dad drove up and seeing me on the porch he honked the horn. He looked up with those sad puppy dog eyes, looking like he lost the only friend in the world, "See ya".
"Hey, I'll call you later and see you at school on Monday" flashing my famous smile, it seemed to lighten his mood.
I did call him later that night to see how he was doing and he seemed relieved that I did call. We talked about normal boy stuff as if nothing had ever happened. I knew some kids at school thought Jude could be gay after the blue nail polish incident. But I kept on wondering about what happened, did it mean Jude was gay, or was I gay because as soon as I noticed he was getting excited I started getting excited too.
That night I had a dream about the events in his bedroom. We were wrestling and again there was nothing sexual about it, but yet there was. We were laughing and rolling around, me landing on top again, staring into his eyes, feeling the hardness between us. We were both breathing hard, he leaned up and I leaned in, just as our lips were about to meet. Suddenly I sat up in my bed, alone. My eyes were adjusting to the darkness of my room, I looked down as I felt the dampness in MY underwear. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks I just had a WET DREAM about JUDE! The technical term for it would be a nocturnal emission. As the dream and sleep cleared by brain, my mind was racing. I knew I really, REALLY liked Jude. I never had that much of a deep emotional attachment to anyone other than my Dad.
I got up to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up. I pulled off my underwear (black boxer briefs in case you wanted to know) and tossed them into the dirty clothes hamper, along with the tee shirt I was wearing. I thought it was kind of ironic that how Jude did the same thing with his underwear just a few hours ago. It was about one a.m. in the morning, I figured Dad was asleep, so I strolled to the bathroom in just my socks. Funny how some guys, don't think of themselves as being naked so long as they have socks on. I ran some warm water to wet a washcloth. While cleaning myself up, the warm damp cloth was bringing things back up, if you know what I mean. I hung the washcloth up to dry. I figured I'd head back to my room before I had another mess to clean up. I walked out the bathroom with a bit of a swagger, with "Little Connor", well not so little, leading the way. If you're a guy, you'll get it. And walked right into my Dad! I think I must have screamed like a little girl, because I jumped about two feet back.
"I heard you get up son, are you OK?" he asked as I was trying to cover myself as things were quickly deflating.
My face was turning so bright red, I could have been a nightlight "I … I … I'm fine Dad, I just had to go pee."
"Ok, go back to bed Connor" turning to go back to his room. "And son put that thing back in its cage" that was he's way of telling to go put on some underwear.
"Yes sir" was all I could manage to get out.
"Good night, son" and I swear I could have hear him stifle a laugh as he pushed to door closed.
The third part was a few days later when Dad told me I could not be friends with Jude and go over to Jude's house or spend the night. I asked if Jude could come over here and spend the night. All I got was a resounding "NO!" as the answer.
"Why?" as I was choking back the tears.
"I'm concerned Jude is gay and I don't want you to be friends with any gay kids!" was all I got as he was walking back to his office.
I went into my room, my emotions running from angry to sad and back. I thought about running away, but where could I go? How could Dad tell me I had to give up the best friend I ever had. How could I choose between my Dad and Jude? Dad was all I have known, but I mean to tell you, no one meant as much to me as Jude did. He was all I could think about. I wanted, no needed him to be a part of my life. I really needed to figure out exactly what my feelings were towards Jude. Was it friendship, brotherly love or something so much more? And that is when I came to the self-realization, I'm GAY and I was in LOVE with JUDE!