Disclaimer: If you think I own this, get help.
I Guess You could call this more of a story than an actual guide, but if you find ninjas to be incredibly awesome, and don't want to die painfully, here are some of the do's and do not's of survival
Rule #1: under no circumstances should you glomp a ninja. They are trained killers, carry sharp blades, and you will be surprise hugging them. Am I the only one who sees the flaws here?
Rule #2: if for some reason you end up in the elemental nations and live long enough to have a friendly meeting with a ninja (not likely, I know), do not attempt to amaze them by spouting off your knowledge of them, their personal lives, or their village (I've never heard of nukenin's being friendly); they will not like this and will no doubt decide to eliminate you as a threat (i.e. you will die painfully).
Rule #3: If you meet a shinier, please try to restrain your fangirl tendencies. Some of us will have a hard enough time getting a ninja to talk to them without the added trouble of being stereotyped as an idiot.
Rule #4: don't lock any ninja in a room with their fangirls. You WILL pay for this.
Rule #5: Remember that the Kages are the strongest in their village, so please respect them. Unless you feel like dying that day.
Rule #6: if you see someone's picture in a bingo book, go as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Rule #7: if your friend does something stupid and likely to end in their death, leave them. You can't be loyal if you're dead.
Rule #8: calling Kurenai "Voldemort" is wrong. Extremely funny, but wrong.
Rule #9: don't follow ninjas. First of all, they know how to lose you. If you can easily follow a ninja, worry.
Rule #10: you are not a ninja, and must remember that fact.
Rule #11: if you have a secret crush on a ninja, keep it to yourself.
Rule #12: if you must lie and betray your friends to stay out of T&I, do so. Would you rather have friends or sanity?
Rule #13: you are not Sasuke's long lost sister and should not say you are. Especially not to anyone besides Konoha-nin.
Rule #14: repeat after me: I was not kidnapped from the elemental nations when I was a kid and should stop saying this.
Rule #15: I don't care if ninjas are friendly in fanfiction; they're not in real life.
Rule #16: don't cut a ninjas hair. If you get that close to a ninja without them noticing, be happy. They might let you live that way.
Rule #17: remember: kakashi is not a pedophile, and he does not molest his genin team. I know what the thousand years of death thing looked like, but it's not true.
Rule #18: summons are feared and respected. They are not pets, and they will not like being treated like one.
Rule #19: never touch Tsunade's sake, Naruto's ramen, or Anko's Dango. Sasuke and his tomatoes should be avoided as well.
Rule # 20: any orders given to you by a Kage must be followed. No exceptions.
Rule #21: don't encourage Gai or Lee. The other ninja will gladly kill you for this.
Rule #22: don't challenge ninjas to a fight.
Rule #23: if you fight a ninja, dodge and run.
Rule #24: don't sing "Mr. Sandman" every time you see Gaara. Once or twice is enough.
Rule #25: if someone tells you to avoid a place, it's not a challenge.
Rule #26: Tsunade does not have any sort of addiction and you should not put her in rehab.
Rule #27: if you see a cat, assume it is Tora and run.
Rule #28: dressing up as Naruto without the seal, and telling people "it's loose!" IS NOT FUNNY.
Rule #29: you should not let rivals kill each other for entertainment. The gladiator fights stopped for a reason. That reason was the destruction of an entire civilization.
Rule #30: calling Sasuke "ugly" in front of his fangirls is not a good idea.
If you followed all these rules, you should (hopefully) get back home alive and you broke them for fun, I pity you.