"I wanna love you but I don't know how."
Liz hands him the papers at 7 o'clock on a Friday. He stares at them. With just a signature, twenty years of marriage will be over, gone- like they were nothing. He sighs as the creeping feeling that he needs to go be with Mellie to sign these hits him. He calls the required people and tells them he needs to take a trip to Richmond tonight. Everyone agrees to make it happen, he's the president for God's sake and people don't question the president when he needs to go out, whether it be to see his wife or his mistress.
He calls Olivia next to cancel their date for the night. She tells him she's caught up in work anyways and he can picture her shrugging. He doesn't tell her he's flying to see Mellie, he'll tell her later when he knows whether or not it was a good idea.
When he had kicked Mellie out the night she won her senate seat, he had never expected her to grab Teddy and move all the way to Richmond. He hadn't expected Karen to call him the next day to tell him that she was transferring to a private school closer to her mother so that she could live at home. He had figured it was Mellie's idea- Karen coming home to buffer her possibly fragile image. He had even used it in one of the many arguments they had after he made her leave, but Karen was the one to tell him that this was her decision. She confessed to both of her parents that the school hadn't been the same without Jerry, that it made her miss him more, that as her family was crumbling all she wanted was to be with her mom. Fitz never had an argument with Mellie in her home again.
They had talked in great lengths about what happened with the jurors. He realized that he, too, shouldered some of the blame. He never told her the whole story when it came to Rowan. He had been the one to leave her vulnerable to Rowan's manipulations and attacks. He was supposed to protect her and instead she had only done what she thought was necessary to protect them, yet again. They forgave each other, but it was too late for Mellie to come back, even if she wanted to. The press had smeared the news over papers everywhere as soon as they found out about the presidential split. Attempting to make it work wasn't an option anymore.
When he finally makes it to Richmond, he tells the guards to wait at the car, because he knows that this is something that needs to be done in private. He tries to grab the manila envelope as gently as possible, before getting out of the car and taking strides to her door. His hand shakes, but he manages to make three, loud knocks. He doesn't understand why he's so nervous, he's wanted a divorce for so long, but he never thought it would happen.
The door opens and Mellie reveals herself in flannel PJs, her hair flowing, and her glasses fogging at the sudden temperature change.
"Fitz! What are you doing here? Karen's spending the night at a friend's and Teddy isn't feeling well so I put him to bed earlier than normal."
He sighs. He always came to her to see the kids. Normally every week he would fly down and they would spend the day together. He didn't want Mellie to have to bring them to the White House- a reminder of everything she had lost because of it. Her husband, her son, the life she envisioned was all gone because of a big, white house.
"I came to see you."
"Oh."
She opens the door further, letting him enter. The house his family lived in without him felt home-y, like their apartment on Morgan Street all those years ago. She breezes past him, walking into the kitchen.
"Do you want some coffee or tea?"
He smiles, her Southern roots showing reminded him of when they first met. How her daddy told her to be quiet whenever she spoke out of turn, but she would tilt her chin up and just continue going. The night his father bought her for him. He shudders at the idea- she must have liked him and then loved him a lot to give herself away like that.
"I'm good."
She turns to face him, leaning on the countertop behind her.
"Why are you here, Fitz?"
Her voice is a tortured whisper and he suspects that she already knows why he's here. He lets the file plop on the island countertop between them and he watches her face fall.
"I thought so."
"I'm sorry."
She plasters a fake grin on her face. Their promise to stop pretending with each other went out the window the moment she opened the door for him.
"No you're not."
It's not even a dig at him, it's the truth and they both know it. She grabs a pen from the drawer, grabs the papers, and goes to sit at the table. He follows, sitting next to her. She rips the papers from the file and lets her eyes scan them.
"It's everything we agreed upon. You get the kids, I get visitation on agreed upon times, so on and so forth."
She nods.
"Why didn't you just sign them and send them to me?"
"We started our life together and I guess I just…"
"You wanted to end it together too."
He nods and watches as tears well in her eyes.
"It would've been easier to not visibly see what I'm losing."
"I'm…"
"Don't. I always knew that this was how it was going to end. You'd divorce me sooner or later, maybe I'd fight and maybe I wouldn't. And when you kicked me out, I wanted to fight, but when I picked up Teddy in his nursery that I so intricately put together, I realized I was so tired. I knew that it was over, that you and Olivia were going to get married and have ba- a family, and here we are."
He reaches out and grabs the hand that sits in her lap. Their eyes meet and somehow they know what the other is trying to say. I do love you, you are my family no matter what, we will never lose each other.
"Melody Grant- wait are you keeping Grant?"
A mischievous glimmer shines in her eyes.
"Depends on what your exit poll numbers look like."
He laughs, a laugh that goes deep down to his belly. This is who they were, before the rape and her hiding it from him, before the cameras made it impossible to do anything but fake it.
"Well, Mellie, I need you to know that I'm always gonna be around- for our kids and for you. Even though we wont be married, I still will be here. I hope you find someone worthy of your love, someone who will love you right, because you deserve it."
She slides the papers and the pen over to him.
"I need you to do this first, you're the one that wants it… more."
He knows the more part probably isn't true. He is the one that wants it period. Mellie had been happy with their partnership and before everything happened, he had been happy with it too. She had come back to him, his best friend had returned.
"Okay."
He doesn't let go of her hand as he picks up the pen and signs his signature, one that Mellie had perfected, on the dotted line. A cry exits her mouth and their hands separate in order for her to cover it. She looks away from him, before standing and taking position behind her chair. Her whole body is shaking and he can't help but stand and pull her into his arms. It takes him back to how they clung to each other each time they had a nightmare about Jerry dying. He now had Olivia to shush him back to sleep when the nightmare hit, but Mellie had no one and the thought makes him squeeze her tighter.
She pushes away, unable to stand the thought of being comforted by him anymore. He was leaving her, alone, and she had to deal with it. She was strong enough to stand on her own two feet, just like she had before.
She doesn't sit back down, but grabs the pen and is about to sign when Fitz stops her. She looks up to glare at him, but help but notice the presence of tears clouding his own eyes.
He pulls her to him and kisses her. It takes her breath away momentarily, but when they break apart she shoves him away.
"What was that for?"
"I wanted to remember the last time I kissed you, for prosperity's sake."
She doesn't respond, instead she signs her shaky signature right below his. She can't look at him, she doesn't want to look at him, so she stuffs the papers back in the envelope and shoves the file to his chest. She rushes to the foyer and is about to open the door when his voice stops her.
"Mels."
He's so close to her when she turns to face him that it startles her. Their eyes meet and he sees all her pain. A woman who gave birth to three children but can only hold two in her arms, a woman who was raped and kept it to herself in order to not destroy her husband, the woman who he cheated on when all she did was support him. He had planned on loving her forever and forever had ended so soon. He watches as her mind shifts into hyper drive.
"I love…loved you so much. I know I didn't always show it and I should've. I should've been there for you, in the way a wife was supposed to be there for her husband. We should've had more kids, you always wanted more. I should've loved you harder; I should've fought harder for you. I should've told you what Big Jerry did. If you had known, it would've been different. I should've told you."
His hands grip her arms.
"Mel, stop. This isn't your fault, I should've known. You pulled away and I believed any lame excuse you gave me. I should've realized something was wrong. I failed you."
She shakes free of his grasp, running her hands through her hair. She is trying desperately to calm herself down, she doesn't want Teddy to wake up and see her like this.
"This went on for far too long, I should've left. When I announced your affair, I should've left you for real. I should've taken Teddy, Karen, and Jer…Jerry and left. I should've gone home to Asheville. They would've been safe there; Jerry wouldn't have been in danger. I should've left; he'd still be here."
What hurts him most is the tone of her voice as she suddenly realizes how if they had done things differently, their son may still be alive. The mandatory grief counseling they had attended after Fitz attempted suicide and Mellie nearly drank herself into oblivion had taught them one thing- the grief never left.
They would grieve Jerry forever and there was nothing anyone could say or do to change it. They were also the only ones who understood the other. Millions had watched Jerry collapse, blood rushing from his mouth, but only Mellie and Fitz knew what it was like to hold his lifeless body. They were the only ones who could remember what the last beat of his heart sounded like. The world is a very lonely place when the only other person that understands you is the one leaving you.
"Mels, come on, you can't do that."
"I can't help it, Fitz. Jerry is everywhere and yet nowhere. I have two extra bedrooms in this house, one is supposed to be his. Every day of his life I lived in fear of everything he might be and now I'd give anything just to turn it back."
A silence falls between them before she laughs. His eyebrows knit together in confusion.
"I used to think that one day I'd be wishing to turn back the clock so I could give us a better chance, but now it doesn't even matter. You should go, I don't want Teddy waking up and getting excited that you're here."
"I could stay, just for tonight. Let the house be less empty."
She smiles at him, dabbing the tears that have made their home in the corners of her eyes.
"I'd still be empty either way."
He sighs, pulling her close and kissing her forehead. Holding her hands, kissing her forehead and resting his forehead on hers was something he was always allowed to do, even after the rape. Those actions had been the only thing that had connected them- he had been stupid not to see the writing on the wall. He would take it all back for a redo. He should have known.
"I loved you a lot."
"And I loved you, Fitzgerald, but sometimes it's not meant to be. Go home, go back to the White House."
He's struck by the idea that for the first time in twenty plus years, his home is not even technically with her. The last time he had a home before her was when he lived with his mom, nothing had been a home with Big Jerry.
"I haven't…you won't be…"
She taps his chest gently.
"You have a house full of people, you have Olivia- you'll be okay."
"What about you?"
"I'll be okay too."
He steps outside her door and turns just in time to see one last glimpse of her eyes as she shuts the wooden barrier in his face. He leans against it, he can't go just yet, he wants to know she's okay. He reasons that he'll listen until he doesn't hear her crying. But, instead, he hears Teddy's voice and then hers. He knows she'll be okay.
She slides down the door, face in her hands. She's crying, not as much as she expected to, but still. She knows she needs to stop, she had been preparing for years for this day, but it didn't make it hurt any less.
"Mama?"
Teddy's voice is quiet, but when she looks up he's walking to her, thumb in mouth and blue blanket dragging the ground. He's only four, but all of this has been very weird for him too.
"What are you doing up, Teddy bear?"
She picks him up and pulls him into her lap, leaning against the door.
"I heard you talking and I didn't feel good. I wanted you."
"Well you have me, baby. Come on, you can sleep with me tonight."
She stands and walks toward the steps, looking back at the door once before turning off the downstairs lights. She looks at Teddy and kisses his cheek. She has to be okay for him and for Karen, even for Jerry wherever he is. She will be fine.