Disclaimer: You guessed it, I own nothing.
One fine day, los hermonos Emmett and Edward strode into the Cullen household dripping blood.
"Emmett, never speak to me again."
"Oh, come on, bro! Did you, or did you not see how much air that grizzly gained?!"
"Yes. Yes I did."
"That had to be the most amazing thing you've ever seen in all your 108 years, after Bella."
"I can honestly say I would be a lot less disturbed, and a lot more assured you had half a brain had I not seen it."
"Do you think we'll ever find the head?"
"Shut up."
Carlisle called form upstairs, "Does anyone know who charged $5782.99 worth of Catherine Wheels, Roman Candles, and random fireworks to my Discover Card?!"
"Sadly, yes," muttered Edward.
"Hell Yeah!"
"Shut up, Emmett."
Esme walked down the staircase and let out a blood curdling scream.
"What happened, Esme?! Are the Volturi here?!"
"No, worse. I have to replace the carpet again! I just got redone after the "amazing flaming puma incident". Upstairs. Shower. Now.
Edward sighed. "For the record, it was more of an "amazing flying bear incident".
Emmett and Edward trudged gracefully up the stairs. Emmett licked the blood off his hands, then sniffed Edward and started licking the blood off him.
"O.K., psycho. What. Are. You. Doing."
"Edward tastes yummy!"
"That is extremely creepy, even for your standards."
"You're right, he is!" chimed in Alice.
"What?! Does Jasper know about this?"
"Yeah, Edward, you DO taste good," agreed Jasper.
"That is SO not what I meant."
"Hey Alice, honey, would you like it if I drenched myself with a deliciously innocent woodland creature's blood?" Jasper asked, sweetly.
"You know it."
"O.K. I am SO taking a shower right now!"
"No, Eddy-ward, then you won't be tasty anymore!" said Emmett, with a puppy dog face.
"Yeah, Eddy-ward, you're my tastiest almost-child. The rest of you guys suck," Carlisle, who was also tasting Edward, joined in.
(Alice, Emmett, Jasper, but not Rosalie, cause she told me this was a stupid story and she didn't want to be part of it): "Awwwww."
"Where the Hell did you come from?"
"17th century England."
"Come ON. You KNOW that's not what I meant."
"Eddy-ward is a biiiiiiiig ice cream cone!" giggled Jaspy.
"And we've hit a new low."
Several seconds later, Edward was in the shower, scrubbing the grizzly blood off his perfect porcelain skin. Shortly, he was joined by several well-wishers.
"Why, in a million years, did you guys ever follow me in here?!! I am so moving out this time, and not just to my tree house in the backyard again."
(The entire population of Forks, the werewolves, Bella, and all the Cullens plus Rosalie so ha and a lost rhinoceros and Harry Potter): "We love Eddy-ward, the gianormous ice cream cone!!!!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
A/N: In my defense, it was the middle of the night and I had just drunk three Mountain Dews when I wrote this. I got the idea when a friend and I were playing Sims 3 (after staying up all night) and we had made the Cullens and I was wondering what would happen if Edward and Emmett got in the shower together.