He stood staring at the girl he hasn't seen in 10 years. Well she wasn't a girl anymore. It has been 10 years. She's grown up a lot. He has his arm wrapped around her waist, her arm resting on his bicep. Her head rested upon her hand. He could see the wedding ring glistening in the sunlight. They were staring at a couple of kids running around the park.
After dropping his bags off at the hotel he decided to take a walk. It's a small town, and he assumed she still lived here. When they were together they always planned on staying in town, raising a family, growing old together, retiring up north. Never had he thought he would ever be looking at her from a distance. Weighing in his mind, deciding between going up and saying hi or walking away and letting her live her obviously happy life without her knowing he was here. Since it was a small town they'd eventually run into each other one day, why not get the awkwardness over now.
"Erin Lindsay?" Jay screamed as he started walking towards her. He watched her arm fall from his arm and her body turn around. He watched her wide smile fall ever so slightly. Heartbreak was evident in her eyes and her body language. He walked closer to her and nodded his head; he put his hands in his pocket. Tension increased as he walked closer to her.
"Jay Halstead," she blinked, like she thought she would never see this man again. Almost hoped she'd never see this man again. And he knew that, Jay knew she hoped she wouldn't ever have to see him again. He deserved that, for what he put her through. They were going to get married, and start a family, but he left. He kept his jealousy to himself as he opened his arms she took a step closer and walked into his arms. A deep breath was released against his neck.
"I missed you Er," he smiled as she released him and looked up at him.
"I bet you did," she laughed. "This is my husband Eric," Erin pointed at her husband as he took a step closer.
"Nice to meet you man," Jay stuck out his hand. "Jay Halstead," he smiled. Eric shook his hand and nodded his head. Jay lifted his eyebrows in the direction of Erin. She just shook her head. "It's good to see you Er, you look good," he smiled.
"You t..." she was interrupted by a three year old boy screaming 'mommy'. He ran up to her, tears stained his cheeks and his arm scraped. "Chase," she bent down at eye level and kissed his cheek just below his eye. "What happened?" She worried.
"Jane was chasin' me 'round the park and I was running across the path and fell," he sniffled.
"What did I tell you about running on the concrete?" She sighed. "Eric, can you?" She gestured towards Chase. Eric nodded his head and lifted Chase into his arms.
"Jane and Chase huh?" Jay smiled at her. "You always liked the name Beth," he pointed out. He watched her nod. "How old is she?" He wondered.
"She's 9," Erin explained. "Chase is 3," she looked down. "You back in town for long?"
"Yeah, I have a job here for a couple months. I don't know if I'm going to stay after I'm done. I guess we'll find out. It was good to see you Er, but I have to get to work," he leaned down and kissed her cheek.
"Hey why don't you come for dinner tonight. Say around 7?" Erin asked. She watched him smile and nod her head.
"I'll be there. You can count on it," he turned and walked towards his truck.
XXX
Jay walked up to his ex-girlfriend, almost fiancé's, childhood home. Everything looked the same since the last time he was here. Her footpath still had weeds growing between the stones. The front door was the same bright blue and the shutters blue to match the front door. Nothing had changed a bit. The same old basketball hoop hung above the garage door, the one her brother almost put her through if he hadn't shown up. The memories he had tried to forget piled up in his brain. He stepped onto the footpath and in the direction of the front door. 7 o'clock on the dot he rung the doorbell. Seconds passed as Erin opened the door.
"It's good to see you. I wasn't sure you were going to show up," she smiled like it was an inside joke. His face fell, and he tried to recover with a small smile. It wasn't the smile Erin knew.
"I'm sorry about that," he confessed. She opened the door wider to allow him to come in. "The place hasn't changed a bit," he declared.
"Yeah, I'm not sure if it's because I haven't had the time or if I don't want to touch anything," she half laughed.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I'm also sorry I never came back for her funeral," he looked down at the floor.
"You know you have got to stop saying sorry. If I hear that one more time out of your mouth I might have to punch you," she laughed. "Can we just start to move on?"
"Yeah, I can move on," Jay whispered. Suddenly there was a loud crash from the room in the back. Erin took off running and Jay followed behind. The scene before him showed a wide eyed nine-year-old holding half a ceramic plate, and a three-year-old walking towards it.
"No, Chase. Don't touch that. What did mommy say about touching glass?" Erin rushed over and picked Chase up into her arms. "Jane, go put that in the garbage can and go get the broom in the closet," Erin instructed.
"Let me help," Jay insisted. Jane came back with the broom and handed it to her mother.
"Take him," Erin urged as she handed Chase over to Jay. He wasn't quite sure if he should. Erin began to clean up the glass on the floor.
"Where's Eric?" Jay questioned.
"Daddy's at work. He's got an important job," Jane explained.
"Does he now?" Jay smirked at Erin. "What does your daddy do?" He questioned.
"I don't really know, all I know is that he flies air planes to secret places," she led on.
"That sounds really cool," Jay seethed. Erin stood and walked in the direction Jay assumed was the kitchen. He placed Chase back down onto the ground and followed Erin. He cornered her in the kitchen. "You hated military men," he whispered angrily.
"I didn't hate them," she sighed.
"You hated me everyday after I told you I wanted to join the Navy."
"We were 15 Jay, I loved you and we were kids. Of course I hated the idea of you leaving me," Erin reasoned. "Can we do this after dinner? I have to get the kids fed and into bed. Then you can lash out at me all you want," she spat back.
The four ate dinner in a near silence and Erin put the two kids to bed. Jay sat at the kitchen table and stared at the warm beer he's had in his hand since before dinner, only one maybe two sips gone. There was a time he'd be three, maybe four beers in by now. His mind wouldn't stop turning. The conversation he's been putting off for 10 years, and now she has kids and a husband. He screwed up. He had the dream and she didn't approve of it.
"They're down for the night. Outside," Erin pointed to the door in the kitchen. Jay left his beer on the table and walked towards the door. "You gonna bring this?" She held up the bottle and watched him shake his head.
"It's yours if you want it," he walked out of the door and sat on the bench against the house.
"You don't drink beer anymore? This things almost full," she eyed him.
"I don't need it. I've changed Er," he gave her a small smile.
"I see that. But Jay, this isn't like high school where you can show up at my door and win me back. I'm married, I have kids, I have a life I'm happy living," she explained slowly.
"I know that. The reason I left was to follow a dream I had for a long time. It was Navy when we were 15. But the months at sea, and not being able to come back to you was getting at me as we hit senior year. Before we turned 18. So I changed it, Marines. They didn't go away for years at a time. I'd be back home every couple of months, to see you. But that day Erin," Jay shook his head. "That was the worst day of my life," he confessed.
"Jay, why didn't you ever tell me? We told each other everything," she wiped a single tear from her cheek.
"I was going to surprise you that day."
"But I never came," she sighed. More tears fell down her face.
"But you never came, and you never wrote back, and when I knocked on your door five months later when I came home your mom told me you weren't home. I hoped I'd see you around town. I visited all of our favorite places, the pond, the overlook, the private beach we were never supposed to be on, even the field we streaked through our junior year. But you weren't there," he felt her hand on his. "So a couple weeks later I went back for another tour, and another, and another, until eventually they had me stationed in Japan for 4 years," he breathed.
"I never showed up because I thought if I did show up you wouldn't leave and I'd keep you from your dream. I couldn't be that girl, the one you stay home for and regret every day after. I wouldn't be that girl," she confessed.
"Then I come home 10 years later and you married a man in the air force. You have two kids who call him daddy. All I have ever envisioned for you and me has been me you and our 5 kids living in this house like you always wanted. With Beth and Andrew, and everything we had ever talked about the 5 years we were together," Jay sighed again. This idea, his idea to hash everything out now, wasn't the best. His thoughts and feelings he's been contemplating over the years had just poured out of him.
"I don't know what to say," she confessed.
"I've had a lot of time to think about this, about us. There was a lot of down time in Japan.
"But if I do say so, I do think about the future we planned quite a lot," she looked at her feet.
"You're just saying that because you feel bad I've analyzed us for ten years," he moved to stand. "I'm just going to go. I'll see you around," he walked past her towards the door. He felt her hand wrap around his upper arm.
"Don't go," she frowned.
"It broke my heart to see you standing so close to him today. It broke me in ways I don't understand," he placed his hand over hers. "I knew you wouldn't wait for me to come home. But I still had this hope in the back of my mind. Like you would be pursuing your dreams while I was pursuing mine, and when we were done we'd have that family," he rested his hip against the armrest by Erin. Her arm rubbing up and down his upper arm.
"It breaks my heart every day I think about that family we've pictured," she sat up on her knees coming face to face with him. He smelled her incredible shampoo, the kinds she's used forever. He looked down at her lips, a little larger than they were ten years ago. Her eyes looked a little aged, but still the most intoxicating color of green.
"I have to go," he whispered. "Before I do something you'd regret big time," Jay said still not backing away. She moved her arm from his bicep up to his neck. Gently tugging on the small hairs.
"Who says I'd regret it," she whispered in his ear.
"You're married," he barely choked out.
"We're in the process of deciding if we should file for divorce," she confessed softly. "I want to, he doesn't."
"So you want to give him a reason to?" He pulled his head back and looked straight into his eyes.
"Partly, and because I can't remember our last kiss. And this has been bothering me since you left," she pulled his face closer to her, their noses slightly touching. "I'm thinking this could spark a memory, or a lot of memories. And we could continue sparking memories," she leaned in a little closer.
"Er," he whispered out as her free hand ran down his chest to the top of his jeans, hooking her fingers through a belt loop. She looked into his eyes.
"I still love you Jay," at those words Jay leaned down and captured her lips. It felt like the first time all over again. He slowly opened his lips allowing his tongue to run across her bottom lip. Her lips spread allowing Jay to run his tongue against hers. Tasting the familiar taste that is Erin Lindsay. She slowly pulled back, but kept her grip on his belt loop. "I need you Jay," she insisted as she pulled him closer to her. Her hands slowly moving his shirt up his chest. She climbed off the bench and gripped his hand, pulling him in the direction of the bedroom. She locked the door and began lifting his shirt off his body. The button of his pants came undone as she gently tugged them off leaving him in his boxer briefs, tight against his thighs. "I thought you said you'd never leave boxers," she giggled as she rubbed her hands over his abs.
"Too hard while in uniform. Their actually more comfortable than I thought," he smiled down at her. He slowly unbuttoned her shirt from bottom to top. Leaving her shirt over her shoulders revealing a small section of her perfect stomach, he unbuttoned her jeans and tugged them down reveling a black lace thong. "I thought you said you'd never ever wear a thong," he smiled.
"They're surprisingly comfortable," she smiled and kissed his chest between his nipples. Jay ran his hands from her hips up to under her breasts. He tugged the shirt off her shoulders and kissed where his hands had just been. He stood in his boxer briefs and she stood in her black lace bra and her matching black thong. He ran a hand through her hair and looked at her.
"You're still just as beautiful," he confessed.
"Make love to me Jay," she pleaded, and he did.
XXX
"You know, this is the first time we didn't need to worry about our parents walking in," she whispered. Jay's arm wrapped around her abdomen as his head rested against her shoulder. She felt him laugh from behind her.
"After ten years, and that's all you can say?" He leaned down to kiss her cheek. "I love you, you know that?"
"I have a pretty good idea," she smiled. "I'm not quite sure I like this whole short hair thing," she confessed as she ran her hand over his almost non-existent hair. "If I remember correctly you had the softest and greatest hair in high school," she leaned back closer to his hair. "I definitely like the longer hair," she gave a small tug.
"Hmmm, you make an interesting point there. You know what I'm not sure I like?" He whispered into her ear. "I'm not sure I like the landscaping you've done down there," he ran his hands from her abdomen down to the junction of her thighs. "I liked it better our first time," he kissed her jaw.
"It was messy our first time," she explained.
"Exactly," he smiled against her cheek. Her flirty, fun expression changed suddenly. Jay could see her mind turning.
"There's something I have to tell you. Something I'm not quite sure you'd stay for," she sighed.
"If it involves you or us, I'd stay forever. I'm never leaving you again," he responded.
"You're still in the military Jay," she pointed out.
"We'll talk about that later. What do you have to say?"
"You know there's another reason why I didn't come to say goodbye," she confessed. She rolled over to face him directly. Her hand slid up his chest and landed on his cheek. "I was at the doctors," she watched his eyes widen. "It wasn't anything deathly," she felt him lean against her hand. "My period was late a couple months before you left. Then I missed it again so I went to the doctor," she watched his eyebrows raise and realization wipe across his face. She nodded to encourage his thoughts.
"Does Eric know?" He let himself speak.
"I met him a couple years after I had Jane. We never really talked about it," she sighed.
"So she doesn't know either?" Erin just shook her head.
"No, she doesn't know. She's asked, but it was hard for me to talk about you as if we weren't together anymore. After enough dodging answers she's eventually stopped asking," Erin rubbed her thumb over his trembling lips. "I'm sorry I never told her about you. But you're back now, I'm sure she wouldn't mind hearing it from you," she reasoned. He just nodded and leaned down to kiss her.
"I better go before they wake up and wonder why there's a guy in their parents bed," Jay smiled.
"You could 'stay on the couch'," she put in air quotes. "I mean lay here with me, and then sleep on the couch," she reasoned. "I love having you here. I miss being in your arms. Stay?" She watched Jay smile and nod his head.
"I'll stay, just for you," he kissed her forehead and watched her eyes close. He stayed there until he felt her body go limp and her breaths evened out. He slipped his arm out from under her and stood to get dressed. He wondered throughout the downstairs and found a pillow and blanket to sleep on the couch with. He lay down on the couch and tried to fall asleep. He hasn't had a good night sleep in 10 years, and tonight wasn't going to be much different.
XXX
He awoke to a toddler staring at his face. "You've got short hair. Kind of like my daddy," Chase spoke.
"You're daddy and I have similar jobs," Jay spoke out. "Where's your mom?"
"She's making pancakes," Chase said then ran away. He stood and followed the toddler into the kitchen.
"Hey," Jay walked closer to her. He took the spatula out of her hand and continued cooking the pancakes.
"We never discussed your military job," she threw out.
"You're right. We never did," he focused on the food in front of him.
"What about your two to three month stay. I don't want you coming in and getting close to Jane and I if you're just going to up and leave in a couple of months," she whispered.
"I left the Military. My contract was up. I decided not to renew it. I found a job as tech adviser in a nearby town. It's a permanent thing," he confessed.
"Permanent? You're sure," she smiled.
"I'm so sure. I mean how could I leave now?" He smiled back. He finished off the pancakes and Erin called everyone to the table for breakfast. Everyone was still in their pajamas, except Jay who was in his wrinkled clothes from the night before.
"Do you do secret missions like daddy?" Chase sparked the conversation.
"Sometimes, but most of the time I worked as an advisor in the Marines. Sometimes they were secret, but not always," Jay looked at the boy in front of him.
"Okay kids. Finish eating, then we have to get Jane to her soccer game," Erin smiled at Jay.
"Jane, you like to play soccer?" He asked. She just nodded her head.
"Jane, you know Jay played soccer in high school. He was the star of the varsity team. Maybe he could give you a couple tips," Erin urged her daughter to speak.
"Girls soccer is different than boys soccer mom," Jane spat out and continued to eat.
"You're right. I think girls soccer involves more speed, agility, and more skill than boys soccer," Jay continued. At this she looked up at him.
"Thank you! I've been trying to tell Dad that for years. He doesn't agree. He always says something along the lines of 'they train too Jane," she imitated Eric's voice. Jay and Erin's heart broke as they heard Jane call Eric dad.
"Well, he's wrong," Jay laughed, as she smiled. She had his smile, but her mom's dimples.
"Okay everybody changed and into the car. Let's move," she ushered the kids upstairs.
"Do you mind if I come to the game?" Jay asked Erin. She shook her head.
"I encourage it," Erin winked. "It's at the high school," she told him. And he nodded his head, kissed her cheek and walked out the front door.
XXX
Jay arrived at the school, parked, and made his way to the field. He stood back just watching the nine and ten year olds play. He eventually moved closer and saw Erin sitting on the bleachers, Chase on her lap. She turned her head and made eye contact with him. She whispered something in Chase's ear and he popped off the bleachers and began to play with the other kids. He took a seat next to her.
"You know, I was thinking," she whispered as he placed a hand on her knee. "We didn't use protection last night," she sighed. He squeezed her knee in reassurance.
"We'll see where it goes, but this time if it happens I want to be there," he gently rubbed her leg. She nodded in agreement. "This got complicated, didn't it?" He questioned.
"Really fast," she laughed.
Jay turned his head and watched the game. Seeing his daughter run up and down the field. "She's really good isn't she?" He asked.
"Yeah, just like her dad. God knows none of that came from me. We know how much of a disaster I was," she laughed.
"Those are some memories I don't want to remember. Although that one of you naked and attempting to play, I don't want to ever lose that one," he smiled.
Soon the game was over and Erin took Chase back to the car while Jay waited for the team meeting to be over. Soon Jane had walked around searching for her mother. "Your mom went to put Chase in the car. He was being fussy," Jay spoke as he reached her.
"Why do you keep coming around," she questioned as he walked with her back to Erin's car.
"Your mom told me you had some questions about your dad," he tried to ease into the conversation.
"She never answered any questions I had about my dad. So I stopped asking a while ago," she stared up at him questioningly. "Why did you know him?"
"Yeah, still do," he wasn't expecting that question. What strange man randomly starts talking about another kid's father? He thought she'd get it. Guess not.
"Is he ever coming back? Do you think I'd get to meet him?" She asked again. He touched her shoulder to stop her from walking. He bent down so he was eye level with her.
"He is back, and he really wants to spend time to get to know you," he looked at her face. Tears started to well in her eyes.
"You're my dad aren't you?" Jay nodded and she flung herself into his arms.
"Why didn't you want me?" She cried into his shoulder.
"Baby," Jay tried to withhold his own tears. "At the time I didn't know you were going to be you until recently. I would have given everything to be here for you," he rubbed her back.
"So it's mommy's fault?" She pulled away from his neck and looked at him. Face red and swollen from the tears.
"No, don't ever blame your mom for this. I hurt your mom so much when I left. Until now I hadn't even talked to her. So don't ever blame her, blame me. Okay?" Jay reached his hands to wipe away her tears, he leaned in to kiss her forehead.
"Are you going to leave again?" She whispered quietly.
"I'm never going to leave again," she confessed and she hugged him tightly again. He lifted Jane up into his arms and began to walk towards Erin's car. He could see her with tears in her eyes. Knowing she hadn't heard the conversation, but knowing she could see the confrontation, she was happy her daughter finally knew the truth.
Jay put her in the car and kissed her forehead. "You did it?" Erin asked as he closed the door.
"The look on her face Er? It reminded me of the time I told you I was leaving. Broke my heart into a million little pieces," he confessed as she hugged him.
"Thank you," she mumbled into his chest.
"Always, I love you," Jay smiled as she nodded in his arms.