Tied Together With a Smile

I've been lying here for hours just listening to him breathe, wrapped in his arms. From the first moment I met him at Joe's, I knew he was different. He was smart, funny, charming. But I wasn't looking for that. I was only looking for a good time that night. So I had one. In the morning I asked him to leave and never expected to see him again.

It was only a matter of hours before I saw him again. Try as I might, I couldn't get him out of my head. He was all the things a woman wants and I fell into it. That's why it's called "falling in love." It's usually an accident, but rarely a mistake. You always know it can happen, but you never plan on it. Then one day you simply wake up and he's the first thing you think of. It's a great feeling like no other, while it lasts.

There's no doubt in my mind I love him. I played the games. I wanted him even when he went back to Addison. I felt guilty. I wanted them to fail. For those months, I would wake up with last night's fling still blissfully sleeping, not realizing he would be kicked out soon. For a moment I would lay there and pray to a deity I don't really believe in and ask for Derek to come back to me. Then I would pray for forgiveness for wanting a marriage that He had ordained to end. I tried to move on, just like he had, but I always came back to him. Eventually he came back to me too and for a time I was happy.

I watch him sleep. I tell myself I'm still happy. I want to believe I am but my heart still feels heavy. He broke my heart. I tried to fix it. It didn't work. Then he came back and I tried to tell myself that he fixed it. Sometimes I'm successful, other times I'm not. This one of those times I'm not. At these times, all I want to do is push every one away and wallow in my loneliness. I never do. It's too hard to push people away who care so much. So the feelings build and eventually it will break through.

A large part of me knows he is the love of my life. A large part of me knows I should never let him go, not just because I'll never find better, but because I don't want to find better. However there's a part of me that screams to give up. Give up on him and us. After all, I wasn't ever sure I wanted this. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I want to be down the line, and he does. He'd never say it but I know he wants three kids and a white picket fence. After Addison, he was looking for love again. I wasn't. I had just fallen into it.

I keep thinking these thoughts as dawn breaks outside of my window. I keep pushing him, testing the waters. I want him to say "enough" or give me a good enough reason for me to say it. I don't want to be the bad guy, not again. After all, I was the adulterous whore, not the wife. I'm ready for the end, but not eagerly awaiting it. I don't want to say those words, the ones that would end a perfect relationship. However, it's looking like I'll have to be the one who tells him I want out.

He's waking up. He leans over me. "Good morning sweetheart." I reach up and kiss him. I tell him the words he wants to hear with the smile on my face he wants to see. I'm still not ready to let him walk. Not yet.

~~~~~G~A~~~~~

This was just a short story I felt compelled to write in hope of reaching some sort of catharsis. Please leave a review. It's different from my usual style, so I'm a little uneasy about how it turned out.

As always thank you for reading, Jen